Sunday, 05 April 2009
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Is There Ever A Right Time to Meddle in A Relationship?
Most people frown upon homewreckers. However, I don't think I would be a homewrecker if I meddled in this relationship. I won't let him cheat with me, which wouldn't make me a homewrecker. That is the last resort.
Here's my story.
Right now, this guy and I are just friends. We have not hooked up; we are just getting to know each other...as friends for now.
Just when I was about to give up after hitting dead end after dead end, and finally accept that I would be alone for a while, I met this amazing guy. The problem? He's in an extremely toxic relationship and has a fling on the side. Now, before people judge him, please let me explain.
He was honest from the start that he already had a girlfriend, and a fling to boot, but he still wanted to get to know me. He explained his situation very well to me. I was proud of him for being honest to begin with. 95% of the men that I meet lie about being in a relationship with someone just so they think they can have me for the night...but this guy, he was genuine...that's what I already like about him.
So I know if he were to ever go out with me, he would tell people he had a girlfriend. He did not try to make a move on me at all, but we've been having long conversations, getting to know each other...as friends.
He told me he has been extremely depressed in his current relationship, that he's only with her because he doesn't want to come home to no one and they are used to each other; he wants someone to hang out with (he's afraid to die alone)...however, she doesn't satisfy him; that's why he has this fling with another girl.
His girlfriend said that if he ever cheated on her, she would leave him. When he heard that, he took the opportunity to cheat, but those were just words of hers and she refuses to let him leave, so she allows him to have this fling...basically a psycho, clingy girlfriend who doesn't know what's good for her.
Any advice on how to help him get through this? He's extremely depressed and has even said that he doesn't like that he makes that other girl the other woman but his girlfriend won't allow him to leave her completely no matter what he does to her. Obviously this other woman doesn't have respect for herself either, knowing he has a girlfriend; neither does this girlfriend, knowing he has a fling.
I refuse to hook up with him knowing he has a girlfriend AND a fling already.
He told me he wishes he could be with someone like me, and I want him to hang out with me. I want to make him happy and I think he would make me happy. I want to make him forget about his girl and fling and have the courage to finally leave both of them for good because they are depressing him. I think he needs a push from someone to help him finally get out. Their relationship has already run its course and it is failing.
I think it's just as bad to be in an unhappy relationship which is not good for you just to be with someone. I know he means well, but like he said, he can't leave no matter what he does, but if he finds the right person to help him which I think would be me, it could work.
Any words of wisdom on how to go about this? Have you been in a situation where someone was in a toxic relationship but they couldn't get out and you helped them finally break up, but it was for better?
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- From: anonymish
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Comments (48)
It seems like you're trying to justify being "the other woman."
I think if you really wanna get with this guy, wait til all the other girls are out of the picture. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for some dramarama.
Firstly, I would like to say that the guy you are interested in is not a man but a boy. He's afraid to be alone and yet he's juggling 3 women at the same time? He's not afraid to be alone. His problem is he can not commit. No one is forced to stay in a relationship. He has a mouth and 2 legs. He can leave her if he chooses. AND if he really likes you, he would drop the other woman.
You clearly have been manipulated by this guy. Wake up. You say you don't want to become the other woman... you might not have slept with him, but you're on the fast track there.
Also, a whore who is honest with who she sleeps with, does not make her any less of a whore. Apply that to your situation.
no there never is a right time, i don't think you're in a position to be judging, especially as it seeems like you're interested in being another woman.
I've been in a situation where the man was telling me how unhappy he was in his relationship, and how he wanted to hook up with me, or at least he wanted some advice... but i steered clear of it all, tellin him he needed to just man up and sort himself out... now a year down the line... they are still together and happy as ever.
you say their relationship has run its course and it's failing... it doesn't seem like thats the end of it really, i'd save yourself the trouble and step back.
Also, his friends have told him to leave his girlfriend, too, but he won't. He drinks way too much because of her, too. He knows he should leave her not even his friends can help convince him to break up with her.
He's afraid to leave her because she's a huge girl and has a huge brother, too, who can beat him up and break him in half.
@shetakesphotos@xanga - I agree. This is just a justification, which is honestly stupid because no matter how it'll be put, the "other woman" is still the "other woman".
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - You're right on that he's manipulating the situation. He needs to grow some balls and leave both women if he doesn't like his situation.
This is too messy as it is. I couldn't even finish it through and had to constantly look back inorder to leave any kind of sensible comment. Putting yourself into it will make it messier. If you have any self-respect, keep your distance or even better, just walk away from it all period. He doesn't like his situation, he better gets out of it first before bringing anyone in especially you. Bringing yourself in would make you the second "other woman". But seriously, you could do hell of a lot better than this guy.
Get the heck outta this mess. I'd say distance yourself from him and his drama until this guy comes to his senses and drops them both. Seriously, do you think even if he broke up with his psycho gf that he wouldn't just start something even more with this side girl that he has? I don't buy it. Sounds like a charming womanizer to me and you seriously need to busy yourself with someone worthwhile and available.
@Anonymous - Stop justifying his actions. I would worry less about why he's dating 2 women and go find yourself someone who doesn't have so much baggage.
@Anonymous - You're trying to justify his and your actions, which are both incredibly wrong.
This makes me physically ill.
I hate to say this, but by saying you want to help him with his relationship problems, you're just meddling even MORE. If I were you, I would just avoid this guy completely and worry about yourself. :\
It's really obvious that this guy has serious commitment issues.
You're kind of the other woman, already. It sounds like you both want to be together. That'll solve the problem of not being alone. Is the "psycho" girlfriend the problem, or would having this on your consciences be what's holding you two back? I feel kind of bad for saying this, but he did kind of get himself into this mess by having a fling and not letting go when he knew he should. It's probably best if you did what he should have done, and let go. Be by his side as a friend, but nothing more. The situation is already too sticky to enter.
run away now. find someone who respects himself and women.
sorry, but add this guy to the list of losers.
Loser loser double loser as if whatever get the picture, duh!
Uh. Honey, it sounds like you're about to set yourself up for some messy drama. I say wait 'till the guy grows a pair and leaves the two women.
first off, how in the world is it that the girlfriend WONT let him leave. Tell him to walk out on her and be done with it.
You could offer words of encouragement but that's all you can do. The rest is up to him to have the balls to decide for himself what he wants and needs in his life as a man and not a boy. No one can keep him in a relationship but himself. He's either afraid to be alone or just insecure about himself as in individual and he constantly need someone to boost up his ego and self esteem. If he's not ready to cut ties with these two other women, you should leave him alone until he's ready to unless you want to be part of his circle and/or rebound girl that he comes crying to.
wow what a coward.
Hmmm.. there are two things that could be going on with this guy and neither is good.
1. He's just talking you up about how happy he is so he can add another third girl too his ring, not too bad for him I suppose, especially since we can do it all without having to be secret now.
2. He really is upset in his current relationship(s). If so though, he has a serious problem with himself that he needs to sort out before you want to get in a relationship with him.
"he's only with her because he doesn't want to come home to no one" "he wants someone to hang out with" "he's
afraid to die alone"
Those are all RED lights! He is obvious not mature enough for a relationship, mainly because he doesn't seem to have any independence at all. You should never get into this type of co-dependent relationship he has formed, it seems that is his personality. He shouldn't even be thinking of a THIRD relationship at this point.... he should be on his own, learning to respect himself, love himself, and be able to get alone! There is something wrong when someone can't be alone... you shouldn't get get in a relationship with this dependent of a man... more like a boy though.
If you really care for him, thinks he cares for you, and want to pursue a relationship.... you have to somehow make sure he is not the first one, and you really care for him, help him get out of any toxic situations like these relationships (as a friend) and then let him get used to being an independent functioning individual... then you two after than can have a possible relationship together.
He just "can't" get out of the relationship? She won't "let" him? What's she going to do? Advise him to break up with her (and the fling- who you didn't really talk about at all, so I don't know whether he even wants to get out of that relationship), and if she won't leave him alone he should get a restraining order.
If he doesn't listen to you, he's just making excuses, and if that's the case, you don't want any part of this.
did he try to hit on you? cos you said that, "I refuse to hook up with him knowing he has a girlfriend AND a fling already."
Well what happened to me before was I met a guy who told me that he was in the stage of separating... to cut the long story short, I didn't know him well enough and hooked up with him. And then the next time I refused to do so, he took on a 360 degree change in his character and showed me the scary part of himself. I have not contacted him since.
And then down the line, I started to realize what he told me might not be true after all. At first, he divulged to me details of his shaky marriage, his insecurities and his more recent relationship because of his failed marriage. So like you, I was very touched by how forthcoming he was to come clean with me.
After the breakup and when my mind started clearing up, I realized what he have told me might not be 100% true after all. After all, he was the one who told me stuff, he could give the story a spin in any way he liked. I have no one to verify with. I had wanted to get to know him deeper in the first place but he kept nudging us to get together. I admit it was my fault that I caved in instead of taking time to know him better. I felt very "rushed" by him.
Hope my experience will give you some perspective ya?
i know you said not to judge him, but he sounds like a looser.
think of it this way, if hes cheating on his girl, why wouldn't he cheat on you? i don't believe the statement, once a cheater always a cheater, but... it is hard to break. i dont care if his girl did or didnt give him the allowance to, its still wrong. and he should have left her in the first place if he was going to have a flind whether she "let" him or not that doesn't even make sense.
plus, how do you know he'll be able to just walk away from his "fling" what if she has feelings for him too, what if they don't break it off just cause he gets with you. obviously she doesn't care if he has the current girlfriend, so why would she stop if you were his girlfriend?
just some things to think about...
Sounds like he needs to grow up and gtfo of that relationship.
If he can't be a big boy and do it on his own, he's not worth being labeled a homewrecker for.
They all need to grow up.
He needs to man up and walk out on her. Why is he so scared to be alone? He can always find someone else.
And you need to distance yourself from him. For now.
I feel like you are telling my story. I'm literally in the same exact situation, except, we actually have hooked up, I guess I'm the fling then, in my story. Unfortunately, I hate to tell you there's nothing you can do. He's obviously scared of leaving his girlfriend for some reason, and if he hasn't yet, there's not much you can do to convince him. If he is going to, he will in his own time. All you can do it wait, if you're willing, or give up on him. Or, I guess in your case, just remain friends with him, and deal. There's nothing you can do to change the situation.
So many people tell me I should just walk away and give up. So many people tell me this is horrible, and I'm not gonna get anywhere. You think I don't know that? It's not that easy, I know what you're going through. Feel free to send me a message or something if you need to talk more. Good luck with the situation though.
I would tell him to grow some balls, be a man, and leave his girlfriend/fling.. IF that's actually what he really wants to do.
To me, he sounds like he's just some guy trying to get with as many women as he can while portraying the "victim" to gain sympathy.
i say get out now. if he really wanted too, he would get out of it himself.on top of that if the fling was to piss her off, why does he still stay with the fling after the girl wasn't leaving him? just get out and stay away/