Sunday, 05 April 2009
-
Can You Start Over with Your First Love?
So we dated for two and half years in high school. He was my only "real" boyfriend back then. He apparently had already purchased an engagement ring for me back then - although I didn't learn about this until about eight months ago when I ran back into him at a local store. He caught me on a good day - I was dressed all cute and out on a mission to "see what I could find".
So Fate played her hand and threw my "What If" back in my direction. We began dating again.
In November, I began talking to him about how we needed to work on our communication skills because I was frustrated with situations and I thought he might be too. Our communication has improved slightly - but now there are doubts that apparently only I am having.
Even though I am not the nicest person to him, he isn't complaining about anything. I feel like as soon as I walk in the door I'm looking for something to complain about. He's currently not working because of an injury, and I had problems in November because he got laid off.
So I ask myself - are all of my problems because he's not working (and I had just recently gotten out of a long term relationship where my SO relied on me financially), or are all of my problems because I had thought that I would marry him when I was younger and I just want him to want more in life and to have more faith in himself?
Am I just disappointed that Fate brought us back together, although apparently it wasn't for my benefit (because if I leave him again, he will be hurt and I will be right back where I started)? Why wouldn't fate have let me find Mr. Right without this detour? Is the pain and suffering and anger and frustration worth all of this?
Do I hold on and essentially lead him on by continuing this relationship even though I am completely unsure and he's apparently afraid of going into jewelry stores because he sees rings? And yet, he told a good friend of ours that I was the one rushing the relationship...
I have spoken up about my concerns and my feelings and I feel as if he is just living in the past and just not seeing the situation for what it is...
How do I tell the man who wants to marry me that even I don't know why he wants to marry me...that I am so shaken by my doubts that I am just reverting to negative words and actions to push him away...
Can you ever really start over with someone (your first someone) when it didn't work before?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: Dandelion632@xanga
- Name: Dandelion632
- About Me: I'm growing, I'm changing -- I'm discovering what it means to be me.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 0 Views: 0 0 Comments: 0 0 View all posts by Dandelion632@xanga
Comments (35)
Not really. Love doesn't standstill for you. It changes and it evolves and it should be something that evolves with your relationship. You guys have been apart for quite some time. Getting acquainted first would probably be a better idea than jumping into the relationship thinking that you two were meant to get married. I say go with the flow and take things more slowly.
I hate to say it but I think his has something to do with you being on a rebound and finding comfort in an old flame. I'm sure I can reignite the flame with my first love, but the emotional attachment isnt there anymore. So I'm not going to go there. Besides, we always move forward, with the better, not move back...
But good luck to you!
I think wondering so much isn't a good sign. If there are more positives than negatives, then you should consider staying with him. I don't know if love can wait around. I've never been in love.
this happened to me almost 2 years ago. judging from experience, i say no. it's all nice at first and surreal, but for me, i just realized for the second time why we would never work out. but i mean, you never know.
I think trying to get to know him again would've been the first thing to do if you were going to consider dating again. I'm sure the both of you had changed so much and he just may not be what you want anymore, despite your past together. I don't think having so many doubts about the relationship is a good sign and maybe you should re-think why you're with him.
For me? I don't think so. My ex and I broke up five months ago. He was my first love and also first long-term relationship (2 years). I don't think it's possible for us to rekindle our relationship or even "accidentally" bump into each other since we haven't talked or seen each other for five months. He moved to California, and I'm in New Jersey... yeh, sucks. I wish we could at least talk, I'm not looking to get back together with him, but I just need to hear his voice and be friends again.
It doesn't sound like you really wanna be in the relationship with him right now. I wouldn't start dating him again just yet. I think dating someone twice is a mistake - it could end for the same reason it ended before.
I wouldn't write this relationship off completely. Time changes people, but I believe that a few basics about the other person still remain. You should talk to your blast from the past about this concern you have, so he is aware of the reason for your caution and he can do something about it on his end, it's only fair.
Even if it doesn't work out, you are aware that you have issues concerning supporting someone
financially from your last relationship, and it makes sense that you
have carried it forward. I personally found it helpful to talk to someone about my past relationships and the
effects that it has on my future relationships and how I interact within them. I would suggest you do the same or this could become a continuing pattern, high school sweetheart or not.
starting over is hard because the expectations from last relationship and reasons for breakup are always there.
you might be going through the whole stage of testing out your bf again. not only him, but testing yourself out too on whether or not YOU really love him. its gonna be really hard. are YOU up for the challenge?
From my experience with my 'first' i dont think so... but i've seen it work for others...
Good luck! :)
If they haven't changed and you haven't changed, the odds are not good that it'll work any better this time around.
But if you've both grown, there's a decent chance.
i think ur thinking wayy too much about this relationship. you got to take things one day at a time.. and stop thinking about the future.. my favorite quote on relationships are :
"sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the
future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding
with our mind what we want our heart to feel, sometimes we just have to
go with.. whatever happens-happens"
me and my bf dated when we were 14.. and it ended really badly.. we didnt talk for like 4 years.. and then all of the sudden we meet back up. .and its been amazing ever since.. i've been dating my bf for almost 1yr and 4 months. he got deployed to iraq.. he could have died.. all these "what ifs".. and i was afraid.. but u got to stop thinking about all the things ur afraid of.. and stop comparing ur past relationship to ur current one. if he's having trouble w. his job situation.. u shud really be helping him through it instead of putting him down.
all i was seeing in this post was negative things about it.. why dont u start focusing on the positive.. and if the negative things really out weigh the positive.. maybe u shud re-think if the relationship will really work out.
@spanz@xanga - Spanz, have you tried telling him that? There are some fantastic guys out there who are OK with being friends after. I'm not saying it's not HARD work to get there, but take baby steps. Maybe you'll have to start out with really shallow conversations; maybe the first few months or year will be awkward... But remember: friendship is about communication, just like a relationship.
After my first relationship, my ex and I decided to stay friends. We had a rocky first few years, but we figured it out. After my second relationship, THAT ex and I still don't talk (which really makes me sad). I think relationships are too big to be able to cut those people out of your lives for good. Of course, my husband disagrees. :P
Probably not.
But if you want to make it work, I'd advise you to talk with your boyfriend about it.
Good luck ~
Anything can happen, you just gotta try. :]
i tried once...but its not the same anymore..
But first love stays strong no matter what, it hurts the deepest... and i think every first love ends on a tragic note. my first love left the city to forget about me, to start his new life.
its been 4 years, ive dated plenty of men, but im still not moving on...
if fate brought u back once again, u should at least give it a try...
@the_hidden_angel@revelife - I've emailed him a couple of times before, but he's never replied to me. I don't a phone number since he moved across the country... I tried to get his best friend to persuade him, but obviously that didn't work out.
I guess he just needs more time to finally speak to me again... or maybe he found someone else. Who knows. Sigh.
i think it mostly depends on WHY it didn't work before. i was in a nearly identical situation, except now we're married (to each other, that is- haha). and when we got back together there was a period of...confusion, i guess?...when we had to figure out how to see the relationship we were currently in with one another (as opposed to the earlier one) and how to get past the baggage we had each accumulated while we were apart. it's not easy and there were times we both wondered whether or not this was going to work again. honestly, it just took time to sort out. now we're extremely happy together but i'm not gonna lie- that "starting over" period of our relationship was difficult.
i suggest you give it some time. your mind will present the answer to you sooner or later. i'm not saying this WILL work out- maybe you do need to break up; maybe you're just not compatible as a couple regardless of leftover feelings. but i think it's a mistake to throw it away too soon. the thing that kept me trying with my husband was that he was the most amazing person i'd ever met and i loved how i felt and thought with him. do you feel that way about this guy??
like i said- wait it out. i think if/when it's time to leave (assuming you have your head on straight) you'll know.
:)
I think people get back together because they remember the "good times"
but don't take into consideration that which tore them apart. The problems that arose the first time obviously were strong enough to break your relationship back then. Have those issues been quelled? You have to deal with those recurring problems if you want to salvage this relationship.
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. -George Bernard Shaw
so my answer is NO, you can NOt.
First, you need to be nice to him. Not being "the nicest person to him" doesn't help him move forward in the relationship or motivate him to do anything beneficial. Even if you have problems with past people taking advantage of you for money, he's been laid off. Drop it.
Repeat relationships don't work unless you clear the air from the first relationship with that person.
@stalkdebbie@xanga - Good point.
It might work for some but for your case, it's not gonna happen.
Just be honest with him!
Being together with someone regardless if they were your first love or not again, sometimes it's a good idea and sometimes it's not. Most of the time, we get back together with them because we remember all the good times we had with them before the relationship turned sour. Not only that, but we already known them and we're familiar with them. When we get back into the relationship with them, we don't fix the issues that we had before. We forgot that we're not the same people we were back then and with all this mixed together, it's hard to make the relationship work the second time around.
You should reevaluate why you are dating him again and see if you are happy being with him being who you are today and vice versa. Talk to him and express yourself and him as well.