Saturday, 04 April 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I Feel Like I'm Dating Myself
I have been with this guy for about seven months officially, but we have been seeing each other for much longer. I really do like him and I know that he really loves me. But the thing is, lately I feel as if I've just been in this illusion relationship with myself. Everything we do is planned by me. I know that if I don't make a suggestion to do something, he won't bother and will just complain that he's bored, moping around at home. He just never feels like talking to me.
Whenever I try to start a conversation, he just "listens" and never says anything. Even when I am asking a question, I feel like the whole time I am just talking to myself. He refuses to call me or start IM conversations. We don't celebrate any of these anniversaries or "monthaversaries" - nothing. He's not the type to just do a random gesture of kindness or go out of his way to comfort me when i'm feeling down. He refuses to do anything couple-like but he claims that he loves me. I feel like I am in this almost pathetic relationship with myself and he's just a shell of a robot boyfriend.Sad to say, though, but this feeling is not uncommon. I felt this same way before and I've called him out on it. He just says that he's like that and it's normal. Whenever I bring it up, though, it just upsets him, makes him feel bad about himself and it never fixes anything. I just forgive him for making me feel like this and life goes on. I brush aside that he never feels like talking to me, wants to start conversations or wants to see me on his own will. I brush aside the fact that I feel like I am in a relationship with myself most of the time and just replace it all with the fact that I know that he loves me.
I dont know what to do anymore. Am i just being too selfish and expecting more than I should? Or do I forgive and forget way too easily?
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Comments (41)
Gahhhh. This relationship sounds like a dead end to me.
stop hanging around hoping he'll just miraculously change. If you've brought it to his attention and he doesn't make an effort, dump him and find someone who makes you happy.
Talk to him. Tell him doing those things you mentioned are really important to you. He needs to put more effort into the relationship.
If you're not happy with the way this relationship is or how it's going and if you either feel he doesn't make any effort to do anything to fix it even after trying to talk to him about it or if he really doesn't, then maybe you should just go be in a relationship with someone who will have conversations with you and do things with you. Good luck.
that was my second boyfriend to the tee. if you're bored you should move on to someone who can hold your interest.
First off your not married and u shouldnt have to deal with this nonsense any longer. If u continue to stay in something thats making u so unhappy then its ur fault no one elses not saying ur blaming anyone. its obvious this man doesnt see his mistakes and when a man doesnt think they are in the wrong they WILL NOT CHANGE, so its up to you to put your foot down and let this man know that either he makes some changes or your leaving him. you can do so much better...its either he doesnt know how to be in a relationship or he is just lazii an wants u to do every single thing in it or he just doesnt care what happens if yall stay together or not. i say dont make so much effort if someone isnt going to make the same effort. its really pointless when the other person doesnt try, its depressing and its no fun being in a relationship when the other person is like him. so u need to make a choice because like u said you ARE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP BY YOURSELF and u mines well be alone because u are anyways. onlii diffrence is that u have a title on u.
You're definitely not being too selfish. You don't seem very happy with the relationship right now, so it makes sense you would wanna say something. If you can't work out something with your bf to make things less boring and empty it's probably best to call it quits. If he really cares he will try to change his ways. Otherwise, it may just be best to move on.
dig deep and do things he may be interested in. maybe that wil spark the real him to show.
but dont put all emphasis on him
gl
First off, you're not being selfish at all! Don't worry about that.
This relationship sounds dead. If talking to him hasn't worked, what makes you think talking about it a second, third, fourth time is going to change him?
I think it's best to drop this and find someone new.
It's up to you to decide whether you think he's worth sticking around for. He's not going to change; he's being himself, and if you love him how he is, then learn to live with it and take the good with the bad. If not, try to be graceful about leaving.
On a side note, I've always thought the phrase "I'm dating myself" to mean showing age by making antiquated references was odd. Every time I hear it, I have the urge to interpret it the same way you've used it here. It just seems to be the most logical literal meaning. I'd be hesitant to use it that way, though, since it also seems like a euphemism for masturbation.
a similar thing happened to me. towards the end of the relationship, everything just went monotonous... i was the one carrying the conversation and everywhere I go is what I want. while i like having things my way SOMETIME i want a guy who can put up a fight too. it didn't work out for me. I try to make excuses for him too. But well, sometimes we have to be picky with our choices, and that includes not settling for something less. If it's bothering you now, it will keep bothering you
I've been in such a relationship just a while ago. Perhaps you shoud try talking to him and ask that you'd like him to be a bit more pro-active in the relationship. :)
forgive
get out
forget
yer goin nowher fast in yer current stayte
Er, the only advice I have is to back off from him. (Not too much that he thinks you're avoiding him/stopped loving/stopped trying) but don't call him so much, don't IM him, don't text him. And see if he takes the initiative to call you first. Because then you can see how much he thinks about you. If he goes a whole day or even a weekend w/out calling/talking/seeing you, then I think you should move on. :/
this probably isn't the relationship for you. it's time to move on, love.
he sounds bored with you, and you seem to be holding on trying to make something out of this dumpster of a situation..i think you deserve someone whose interested in you. something better that will make you happy, not worried all the time
:]
if you're bored in a relationship, you might as well end it.
Communicate with him. Express your concerns to him (again). Tell him that little gestures he do like plan a date or actually communicate with you will make you feel more appreciated. If he still don't take any effort to do those things in xxx amount of time, you know yourself best. You either find someone else who will or stick around and endure it.
He's the boring robot type, huh? I think there is no chemistry and this relationship should end.
I would die of boredom.
I definately get how you're feeling. Does he really love you? I mean there are many different kinds of love. Love for family, love for friend, love for significant other. Are you sure that this love he tells you he feels is the kind of love you want and need in a relationship? Cause a relationship involves both sides contributing to the relationship. If this isn't a "serious" relationship and you're not serious about him then just see how it goes but if you want something more serious and real move on. It doesn't seem like you're going to get what you want from him.
What someone wants in a relationship isn't too much to ask. But maybe asking it from him is being selfish because that is his personality. It's relative. Don't think you're asking too much about what you want in a relationship. It might be too much for him and that's when you have to decide whether want you is something you need and deserve or you can give it for him cause his standards are lower and what you ask for is too much for HIM.
I don't know if that made any sense but that's what my friends have been telling me. What i want isn't wrong or selfish but for him it might be too much to ask cause of his personality.
omg, i just got into an argument with my boyfriend about this!
you aren't being selfish at all!well, mines not as bad. when that special day of the month comes along. it im afraid to say anything because i hearing, "oh it's today??" would suck.i dont know to you, but i just forgive and well, forgive and forgive and forgive. i know its bad. but when you figure out a better way on how to deal with it.. please, let me know.Love is an amazing concept, ideal for fairytales where people do not pay taxes, get divorced, or die from STDs.
But relationships are about reality - and the reality is, in relationships promising someone that you love them is never equivalent to showing them that you love them. It is easy to say that you love someone. "I love you" - Three words that even a person with a learning disorder could manage. But if they love you, they should volunteer at least a minimum of effort to doing the things that make you happy. If he loves you, you should be something of a priority in his life.
I think he is too self involved to be in a relationship. He is going through the motions, but he's not enthusiastic about it. Love is supposed to be passionate, and relationships require a mutual commitment. He shouldn't need constant encouragement to get involved if he really loves you.
he does not sound like boyfriend material to me. he is just not putting in the effort, and even if he loves you, sometimes it's just not good enough!
i would move on. or at least take a break to see if he will really change.
do you see him everyday?? are you guys seeing too much? cuz this is what happens if you are.. hahah im experiencing right now...
well for me.. i turned my focus on other parts of my life.. and spent more time with friends.. i think it is wat happens after the 'honeymoon' months.. then you'll have more to talk about and he'll start missing you!! and maybe think of something to do to spark up the relationship