Friday, 03 April 2009
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I Can't Have My Cake And Eat It, Too
My BF Rick and I have been dating for two years and everything is good. I've always had a problem with Rick not finishing college and from time to time have felt that his knowledge isn't up to my standards, but I have put aside these things because I love him. I have a bachelor's degree and do administrative work. Rick, on the other hand, works for his family. We have different views about life, so sometimes it's hard to talk to him. For example, he doesn't get why I "waste my time" participating in community events and donate to charity. About a month ago, I met Josh. It's such a rare occurrence that I met someone like Josh because he is so smart and we have so much in common. We have been chatting almost every day online, and because of this, we've covered so much ground and feel like we know so much about each other, something that most couples have yet to achieve over time. Josh expressed his feelings for me knowing about Rick and I told him it was mutual, that there is no doubt I was feeling the same chemistry between me and Josh. I didn't want to hide anything from Rick, so of course, I told Rick about how Josh was feeling about me.
Last Friday, Josh and I went out to eat for lunch. I stated that loyalty is very important to me and I didn't want it to become a pattern for me to drop a significant part of my life when something else better comes along. Josh probably refused to accept the truth and said that he would give me some time to think it over. Yesterday, he and I had dinner - mind you, this was related to my work. (I have been keeping Rick in the loop with these meetings between me and Josh). Then Josh asked me if I had made up my mind.
Without my saying much, he knew that leaving Rick wasn't going to happen for me. I went home with a pain in my heart; I was devastated knowing that Josh and I will never be the same. I wanted to cry.
Selfishly, I want to keep in close contact with him, but I know it would be uncomfortable and painful for him to be near me at the moment. I finally broke down and cried in front of Rick and told him that I have lost Josh as a friend. I have made a choice to stay with Rick, but I feel a part of my heart is dying knowing that I have hurt Josh and myself at the same time. I don't know what is gonna happen between us, but the agony right now isn't so great. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too.
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Comments (36)
I know this isn't having anything to do with the story, but I'm a bit iffy about that cliche.
I love cake.
Look on the bright side, at least you have your cake!
Josh should have known from the beginning that there wasn't much of a chance that you and him would get together. He knew that you were in a relationship, right? You weren't leading him to believe that he had a chance, right?
Things should be friendly between the two of you, but in a friend kind of way. If you're wanting to be close and intimate with him, you're right, things won't be that way. However, the two of you can be good friends.
How do you know that Josh and you won't still be friends? What, now that he found out that you won't leave your boyfriend he's decided that you're not worth hanging out with? If he's a mature adult, I highly doubt that's the case, unless he was only talking to you to get with you.
Though, the way you talk really makes it seem like Rick is a moron. Actually, it makes it seem like you believe anyone with lower than a bachelor's degree is a moron. :/ That's not cool.
if you are going to go around thinking rick is inferior to you for the rest of your life, that's not a very good relationship... that's how my mom treated my dad (she has a bachelor's, he never finished college) and they ended up divorced
wow. as much as we want both guys, sometimes thats not the way things work. I guess things are a bit iffy with Josh too because why would he continue to talk to you if he knows oyu have a bf? that part doesn't make sense to me. but yeah. you made the right decision so cheer up.
@black_lie@xanga - You make a great point. And it was something I was going to bring up.
You seem to feel as though he doesn't meet your intellectual needs and it sounds like you're not truly happy with your relationship. I think you should really sit down and analyze your relationship and see what you really feel and really want.
things happen for a reason. perhaps that will give your old lover a reason to expand his intellect. tell him the truth, be honest. you never cheated on him so he has no reason not to trust you. trust yourself, and know that you deserve the best.
I've been in this exact same situation. Gotta say, I'm glad I chose to just have my cake :]
i simply dont understand why cant you hav both that seemz the ideel choyse to me
rick you & josh
Again, people seem to think that because this guy doesn't meet your "standards", that it's something he should work on.Yeah, cause it's so terrible to quit school and actually work for a living. Oh but no, he has to be as "intelligent" as you. I think your boyfriend needs to find someone who is up to his standards, not the other way around.
firstly... if you can't eat your cake when you have it... when are you supposed to eat your cake? That makes no sense! >:(
as for the actual topic... you know how rare it is to find someone who values loyalty? Just look at all the comments about "haha, you should just cheat, or dump your guy, blah blah"
People suck...
It's lame to think Josh wouldn't be able to keep his feeling at a healthy level... find a way to turn his attraction into just a great friendship. I've done it many times for friends of mine. Can't say it didn't hurt a lot... but I care about people, so I don't mind taking a little pain for their happiness :p
no real solution to be had here... just... Kudos to you for being loyal and trustworthy... it's very VERY rare these days ^^
What draws me away from your story is the way you mentioned Rick. If the way your lives seem to be headed is so conflicting, I think it would be a good idea to settle that matter before dealing with the Josh thing. We don't know how Rick feels about the spark that you and Josh felt for one another, but it doesn't really matter because it's there. It's nice that you were loyal, but what if you're denying yourself, and Rick, of a proper relationship because you're in so much pain over another man? Sorry to sound so grim. Good luck!
That's how life is. You can't always get what you want. You want your cake and eat it too? Break up with Rick, because you make him out to be so inferior, find someone new, and if there was a guy expresses interest in you but you decide to stay with your bf, go keep that other guy as your friend. You want to go eat your cake, go, but if you don't, don't whine so much about it. You regret it, deal with it.
Kudos to you for being honest with Rick. At least it didn't turn out that you lost both of them.
you remind me of a girl that i once knew (cue usher)...
whats the point of cake if you can't eat it? i mean what else are you supposed to do with it? put it up on a shelf and wait for it to get moldy? wtf? i know i'm completely disregarding the point behind the saying, but its stupid anyways.
I feel your pain.. I was in a situation like this recently, too. It sucks...
A degree doesn't mean anything. People graduate from college and still are completely unintelligent beings. At least Rick works.
I can't help but think you went looking for someone to replace Rick because you aren't happy, and thus Josh entered the scene. And by all logical, you shouldn't stick around because you've been with him for 2 years.
Choices are all around you. Better get used to making them and dealing with it.
I think the analogy is suppose to say that you're suppose to admire the beautiful cake and although it is delicious, do not eat it, since everyone loves cake and if you take one bite of the cake, you'll be sorry you did...because that cake is so scrumptuous that you'll go crazy and stuff your face and cause a big mess or something
before you know it, you've consumed 6 cakes and 20 extra pounds so resist the temptation or else you'll pay the consequences.
You're not satisfied by your boyfriend. You did hide something from your bf, you also had feelings for Josh. You should have kept your friendship to a minimum or none at all but I guess that is how it is right now.
i basically love how you consider Rick to be beneath your standards because he doesnt have a degree...that is totally not snobbish at all!
technically you dont even deserve the cake, let alone eat it. rick should dump you for a) being a jerk about his career; b) hanging out with a guy you like and he likes you; and c) A! how mean!
@IfIWereAchilles@xanga - @GaMeGurLsH@xanga - @manishmathur - i agree with all your comments... i was going to leave similar comments.... well said!
if you and Rick are so different then maybe you guys aren't meant for each other. but on the other hand you seem to have a good connection with Josh..i think the only thing holding you back is Rick. because since Rick is there...and loyalty is what's keeping you away from Josh. if Rick wasn't there..you and Josh could've been something.
All I caught out of the story ist hat A. You seem to think that Rick is beneath you and that B. You weren't compeletly honest, you only told Rick that Josh had feelings for YOU, not that you returned them.
Honestly, though, don't stay out of loyality. Stay because you love him. If you feel like you can find better, go find it. You'll be unhappy if you stay just because you've been together so long.
if intellect is a big part on whether or not you are attracted to a guy, then i have no idea why you would stay with someone who dropped out of college. now, i'm not saying that rick is "stupid" so to say, however, if it makes you unhappy that he dropped out of college and missed out on broadening his mind, then i would have stuck with josh. he seems like he has more perseverance, what with finishing college AND continuing to win you over, even though he knew things would be tough because of rick. he didn't give up on college or you, whereas rick did give up on college by dropping out. what kind of personality does that mean he has? when things get tough, he'll just give up? i don't know about you, but i find quitting unattractive! honestly, if i were in your position, i would leave rick and call josh back as soon as possible before you lose him for good.