I recently got to know this guy; we've been talking non-stop for about three weeks now, and I'm embarrassed to say that I find myself wanting to be in a relationship with him. Why am I embarrassed?
In the past, I've always had a standard for myself - that I needed to know someone very, very well as a friend first before I would decide to be in a relationship with him. Even if infatuation gets the better of me and I'd want to date him very badly, I'd stick by my rule of being friends with him for at least five months before making a decision; I would say even five months is not long because I used to be a paranoid freak and wanted to remain friends for a year first!
Now in my current situation, I believe we are both attracted to each other and actually want to be in a relationship in the future, but I'm afraid he might pop the question before I feel ready. I'm a more conservative type of person and would not want to partake in a serious relationship before I'm absolutely sure of my feelings, and yet I am torn between my own promise to myself that I still need to observe our relationship longer and diving right in.
How long do you have to know a person for before you agree to be in a relationship with them? What was the shortest amount of time you took to get to know a person before you dated them?
And lastly, does "friend time" even matter if you and your SO already have mutual feelings for each other?
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Comments (37)
Yikes. I think that, if you and your SO both have mutual feelings, give it a month or two, but don't lose out on the relationship because you want to wait. If he pops the question too early, explain to him your feelings on the matter, if he really cares for you, he will respect your wishes. =]
*shrugs* My boyfriend and I were friends for about a month and a half before we started dating.
I think it's fine if you date someone without being friends with them for very long first. Sometimes, being friends first is not so great because then when you break up with the friend turned lover, you're losing a friendship & a relationship.
I can agree with being a long mutual friendship before wanting a romantic relationship. Because if you can't be friends for a long time, why even bother being a couple. Marriage is more than just physical attraction, it's a friendship.
I'm the same way as you, but I don't have any set time. I just know that I would rather be friends with somebody first. Me and the love of my life were friends for years before we got together, so we both know how the other behaves in all sorts of situations.
You know, even if you have mutual feelings, friend time is still important to some people. It is to me. Okay, if you have mutual feelings that means that you can go ahead and go into a relationship. The whole point of being friends first (for me atleast) is to see how trustworthy a person is, what kind of person they are in general, etc. If he's already interested in you, you won't be able to see things as blatantly because he already cares about what you think about him. When you're literally just friends for a while first, you get to see the others not so pretty side and their good sides. I think that's the best part of being friends first.
With me, I've noticed that the shorter period of time I know a person before "dating" them, the shorter period of time that I'm actually dating them.
I have thought of this same standard, except I would probably allot 1 month before I started going out with him exclusively. I have only thought about this recently in theory, so I haven't put it to the test though. But 1 year? That's a long time to wait!
i think it's rather openminded of you to date guys that you've known as friends for so long.
I'm anywhere between3 and 6 months of 'talking' as I call it,but it sometimes doesn't matter as long as we're both ready for it.
I would say that you should know them as a friend for at least 3 months if you're planning on pursuing a serious relationship. If you're just into the dating scene then it really doesn't matter.
I knew a guy for two weeks and we started dating... that was the worst month of my life!
I think friend time is extra valuable if you both have feelings for each other. The subtext make both of your more earnest in finding out about the other person; it allows you to make an investment to expedite an inevitable.
do it when it FEELS right. Dont put a time limit on it. thats just silly.
I would say give it a little more time... my last boyfriend and I hit it off IMMEDIATELY... As in, the first time we hungout (in a group) away from school, we ended up making out at the end of the night... And were going to wait til about two months of talking before we started dating, but let the feelings get in the way, and ended up together after about three weeks of spending a lot of time together.
I wish we hadn't... it got too serious way too fast, and we didn't know each other well enough. We knew the positives, but not the negative aspects... I didn't know that sometimes he just got quiet, and always thought something was wrong if he wasn't being as goofy or as talkative... He didn't really know what I expected out of a relationship... And I think it all caused friction... And then we broke up after three months of dating. So, I think at least a couple of months of talking would do you better... Your original idea is a good one... I'm going to follow it from now on :) Maybe not five months, but at least a couple.. .Then you can learn the negatives as well as the positives instead of just following your emotions before you really know each other... It sucks to breakup when you still have feelings for each other because the "relationship" aspect of your feelings didn't work out so well because you didn't know eachother well enough.
i think you have been wise to take things slow previously. i think maybe you're already getting emotionally attached to him and maybe that is why it's getting a little tempting to almost consider compromising the standards you had always made for yourself (this is what happened to me by the way. lol).
in the beginning, typically people are trying to make the best impression possible. it takes time to find out what a person is really like, and it's also helpful to know how the person interacts with others, how they handle situations.
i rushed too quickly into a relationship with a guy and i wished we could have had more time to be friends first. we ended up breaking up, and i realized afterwards that it was the best thing for both of us. we needed to build a stronger foundation or not be together at all. maybe someday we could still be friends --maybe even more. at the very least, we both learned hopefully what to do with other relationships.
hope that helps. message me if you want to talk about it more.
in the past i've only gone out with guys i've known for a year or more, but they weren't always close friends... this one guy was a guy i had met at summer camp. two years later i ran into him again at college. we started dating really soon and it turned out really bad. don't be afraid to take it slow but try not to lose him too! it's a hard line to walk heh
I used to say 1 year. I've decided that it is more like 1 month. With anymore than 2/3 months, if the two of you really click then you will start ending up high on the friends ladder.
totally WAIT!!!
*ugh* especially if you've kind of looked at him with a discerning eye and have any sort of red flags go up... trust your instincts but definitely give it some time so you can just be sure.
it's totally worth the wait. :)
i'd wait a little longer, but more importantly, make sure you're seeing him in different situations, not just talking. people can be all talk sometimes, especially if they think you're hott.
What you are doing is completely acceptable and damn near solid advice! You need to build time and trust with somebody before you jump into a relationship with that person. Five months sounds kinda long, but it's a good measure.
Friend time is a must even when you both have mutual feelings for each other; this will help you discern love and lust.
Hmm. I'd say one month tops. If I want him, I'll go out of my way to get what my heart wants.
Sometimes I hope I can get to know him a little better, instead of rushing into a relationship with him. But mostly, the guys ask me out first before I can even think about it. I think it like this way: If he askes me if I want to be in a relationship with him, but I decline saying I want to be friends a little bit more before we take a whole new step, I'm afraid he'll think I have no interest in him.
That's a nice advice though, I've never thought about it.
if it seems right, then just go for it. Even if you break your rule, at least you took a chance. I think that's all that matters
I respect your dating standard. I had one myself too. "He must be this, he must be that, I must wait this long, etc." However, whether you like it or not, someone will come strolling along, steal your heart, and break all your "rules." That pretty much happened to me and I couldn't be happier. :)
Perhaps this is a new experience for you. Just let it roll. If all else fails, talk to him.
Honestly? I met my fiance, had one date with him, and by the third date, we were official. I'd say, start to finish, it was about a month (he went to Maine for a week in there, or it'd have been less.) I knew on the first date that he was going to be important to me. Sometimes it's good to just take the leap. If you fall, you fall, but if he catches you...well, imagine what you'd have missed out on if you hadn't leapt.
-Katie
Good thoughts.Â
However, sometimes you can't just control your feelings. Feelings go before thinking.i got introduced to my bf through a friend who played match maker and so she told me random things about him. then a couple of weeks later, i went to meet up with her and her bf and my bf. honestly, we starting dating by the end of the day and it was official and i wouldn't change it for the world. i don't know, every relationship is different.
I met my boyfriend through friends on what was supposed to be a girls' day, after meeting him that day and casual talking with him the same night with our friends surrounding... he stalked me on Myspace and texted me everyday until our first date. We didn't lean into an official relationship until pretty much I think mid-October, so pretty much a month and a half. The thing is, he claims that our relationship started when we had our first date... last day of August.
But it's pretty accurate. I would usually give a time of about a month and a half, but then it all depends on how well we connect. Can't let the opportunity slide. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. :3
dangerous road either way because love is a slippery slope that defies logic. my last relationship i was great friends with the girl in question and it felt like we knew so much about each other that the next step got almost obvious. the problem is, she had come from a bad place (as had i) and she was working to get us together much longer than i realized until now. so you have to think if it's worth the risk to lose the friendship. we decided it was (though now i feel i might have been "tricked and lured," growing to love someone that wasn't real) but now that things have ended i don't see us being friends again.
when are we ever really sure of our feelings?
My boyfriend and I knew eachother for about a year and a bit through a campus ministry group at college...but we were friends for about 4 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend.