Thursday, 02 April 2009
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Don't Ignore Relationship Problems - They Won't Go Away
You think you've finally met Mr. Right. He's just perfect...until one day he takes off his shirt and *scream* his back is as hairy as those '70s shag carpets. Then you give him the boot! You can't have a guy with something you're not comfy with.
If you can relate to a scenario like this, and this was how you reacted, yes, you are too picky. But who said being picky is a bad thing?
I have to admit that I am a very picky young woman - no, I don't search out faults, but if I stumble upon one, it stares me in the face every time I'm with the person. More important is how you deal with your pickiness issues...in my previous relationship, there were many things my ex did that annoyed me; he was always indecisive, leaving me to make all our decisions. I don't mind being the boss sometimes, but come on, you're supposed to be the MAN. He also had a very competitive spirit and would bad-mouth me whenever we played a game together. He also loved to argue over stupid nothings, like why it's called cheese bread and not bread cheese (yes, this was a real argument).
I ignored these issues, amongst others, but they came up over and over again. I got progressively more annoyed until a rift started to develop. We eventually split up.
I was talking to my mom about the situation and told her about all of these nitpicky issues, and she made a comment that has stuck with me! She said that I should never ignore anything that bothers me because it won't go away; it will just build and build until either you suffer or you can't take anymore. Although it may be being picky, you have to be comfortable with every aspect of your relationship or it just won't work. In a relationship, you should not have to tolerate your partner - you should enjoy every minute and love him or her wholeheartedly.
Now, I'm not advising you to just break up with your significant other if you find something that bothers you. But I'm telling you to talk about it. Don't let it dwell inside. Tell him/her how you feel and see if you both can fix the problem. Maybe he or she is tolerating some things you do, too. It can be a learning process and it should definitely help your relationship grow as you two are able to be honest with each other.
To me, everyone has a right to be picky; it's your choice who you pick for a partner, especially if you are looking for one to share your life with. But don't overdo the pickiness or go overboard without talking it out. Just ask him to shave his back!
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- From: prettygurl2890@xanga
- Name: Dainty
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Comments (30)
I had this exact problem with my ex. He was the 'party guy' while I was more of a homebody. He was stubborn, flaky, and constantly running late. I thought I could handle it, but a combination of everything that bothered me about him eventually led to our breakup.
I like this. You have to either solve the problem or get over it. You can't just leave it lingering overhead because it is going to cause more problems!
I knew I'd finally find someone who agrees that pickiness isn't a bad thing in relationships. The rest of you life is a long time to put up with something that annoys you.
SAME thing happened to me. I chose to ignore all his problems and didn't realize how they affected me, it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.
I love how you wrote:
"I ignored these issues, amongst others, but they came up over and over again. I got progressively more annoyed until a rift started to develop. We eventually split up."
Except the issues he had were kinda worse and went too far deep to be able to fix. I should have known from the start but I was blinded by love. I know now next time to cut a relationship short if I come upon these same issues.
You're right, but I don't think I'd stay with someone whose maturity level is far beyond salvageable. That's probably my number one deal-breaker. I need stability, not pull-my-finger =/. Picky, picky, picky. Haha, maybe I make up for it by loving any and all kinds of food<3.
There was this guy I liked but I couldn't stand the thought of kissing him because he had a gross mustache and I was too embarrassed to tell him I hated it. I think that if you're not even comfortable enough to tell each other what you honestly think about their flaws, your relationship won't be able to withstand bigger, non-trivial issues.
i totally agree. i used to sweep everything under the carpet until one day i cannot take it anymore and it just happen. i broke up with him.
"I don't mind being the boss sometimes, but come on, you're supposed to be the MAN." and thus, the gender card appears!
I couldnt agree with this more! I think thats why me & my love have such a good relationship. we dont just drop it & avoid the problem & honestly, I cant because my anger builds up & would push me away from her which I dont want to do. We communicate about how we feel no matter how small or big the problem is.
I think your advice is extremely helpful. & PEOPLE: IF YOU'RE SMART THEN YOU'LL TAKE THIS ADVICE!!
@Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga - Lol! Duuude, me too. My bf has a mustache and beard and it feels gross kissing him.
But i actually tell him i hate it and make fun of him everyday, so that hopefully he will shave it one day.
Amen!
There are some things where people are being too picky with things that are unimportant, that they can simply get over. Then there are the big things that need to be talked about and discussed. Letting it build up is never a good idea, because frustration can destroy an otherwise perfect relationship.
I have the same views on that as you and your mother. I don't want to nag too much, but if I know something is going to continue to bother me, it's just going to get worse, so I should mention it just once and things could improve.
it's true that you should be comfortable with every aspect of your relationship, but i don't think you should immediately drop your significant other just because you don't like a few things about them. sure, if the difference is too much then that's different. but adapting to other people's weaknesses makes you grow as a person.
This is good advice. From the first week my boyfriend & I started dating, I confronted him about things he did that I didn't particularly like. They habits he wanted to change anyway, so he stopped and is now the perfect boyfriend :) <3
I have to admit that I am a very picky young woman - no, I don't
search out faults, but if I stumble upon one, it stares me in the face
every time I'm with the person: Syntax Genocide.
Solid advice. However, your proposition is more idealistic. In other words, in the real world it doesn't work that easily such as not hitting your child when he/she does something wrong. The S.O. may not be willing to change it at all and then you two break up and realize that you've ended something on a tic that you couldn't deal with?
It takes all flavors to make a world. Yes, talk it over if you two get into a fight, no matter how serious or dumb it is. No, don't make a huge stink about it if your S.O.'s bad trait is a really minor one. Suck it up and deal with it, as I'm sure you've got a few traits you would make your S.O. endure.
Yeah, I feel you here. My b/f would always think his way of getting out of an argument was kissing, and it would sometimes work. Therefore, the problem would arise again. He can't understand why they keep coming back up - because he won't talk about it. He's always looking for the easy way out.
Ugh, my boyfriend would think that by telling me he loves me during an argument would fix everything and take back all the idiotic and nonsense he had said to me in the first place... WRONG. So in the end, I keep rambling about it until there was a stand that it wouldn't happen again, but of course "I love you babe, I'm sorry... let's not argue anymore" then kissy face and I just give up. I have yet brought up this issue, but all the little jealousy issues... been talk, talked about it, but yet it still happens every once and awhile.. shrugs~
Great post!
Often when a couple decides to split up, they usually give reasons why. But if they unexpectedly get back together in the future, they leave the problems that once ended things behind, and start "new", which causes even more problems.
If a couple decides to get back together, I think it's important to consider the problems/issues that broke them apart because one person or the other may have not changed at all. In fact, he/she may have even gotten worse. So I think it's important to work your way up from the bumpy road and talk it out.
People often suggest to never get back with an ex, but I think it all really depends on how your ex got to be your ex. *shrugs*
I agree. If there's issues or problems, you can't ignore them. You've got to TALK and address the issues. They're not just going to randomly disappear...
great advice, girl!!
This sounds like a friend of mine and his ex. They have gotten back together I don't know how many times anymore and broken up over the same unresolved issues that caused their breakup the last time. He's finally (supposedly) decided his ex and him are done completely, though I remain skeptical.
this is a good post! very interesting and being picky is a good thing, else we'll end up with some asshole guy who step all over us. and it will keep bothering you if you don't talk about it. i know it does for me too... if it was really really bothering me.
I just got out of a relationship like that...we both let things build and build for a year and a half, and it ultimately ended. I will never make the mistake of not talking things out with my SO again.
i agree with what you are saying, but its harder said than done. sometimes you risk ruining all together.