Thursday, 02 April 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: He "Just Wanted to Be Single"
My BF and I broke up about six weeks ago. Throughout the three years we dated, he has been the sweetest guy to me and we have had some of the best memories together. During our fight, he had listed all the things he wasn't happy with. I had suspected some of those things had bothered him before, checked with him and he convinced me they weren't problems; he had asked me to do the same. After our fight, he said, "I don't want someone to worry or care about me anymore, I just want to be single". To me, we never had the chance to talk about how we could change anything we weren't happy with.
We have always talked about how we were "the one"s for each other. We have talked about our futures. Yes, we are in our early 20s, but he has always seemed more mature compared to other guys his age, and I have praised him for that. And for this reason, I have always had hope and faith in this relationship. But now, with his attitude, response and walking away from this relationship, I don't know what's going on. Did he become less mature? I'd like to genuinely believe everything he has ever said to me.
There are massive exams for school and work around the corner. I don't know if he is stressed and just doesn't want to deal with the relationship. But to me, it feels awful because I don't really know what is going on. When others are around us, he is cold and pretends I don't exist. When there are not others around, he says hi and asks how I have been. I had asked him about a week or two after our separation if there was hope for us; he said no and left it at that.
So where do I go from here?
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Comments (32)
a convent
Try to move on.
Even after a year, it's going to hurt..but you can't really do anything. He's made up his mind.
Usually when a guy wants to make things work, he will try his best to salvage it. It seems like he's doing nothing and I don't think he's going to change his mind any time soon.
Hm, sounds really rough. Just take time to take care of yourself. Do things you couldn't do while you had a boyfriend. Have fun with your friends.
I seriously hope everything turns out okay.
Take care!
Give him some space. It could be stress or it could be permanent. Dwelling on it and beating yourself up over it isn't going to change anything.
Yikes. It sounds like hes pretty sure that he doesnt want to be with you. =[ And what kind of crap is that, not talking to you in front of people, but talking when no one is around?
@Marissa_Sonnier@xanga - Yep. Time to leave him alone.
my guess is that he feels too young to be committed to one person. if you're in your early 20's and been together for 3 years, he's probably wanting to see what else is out there before he is ready to settle down. you need to take this time to go out and do your own thing. date other guys if you want. maybe you'll find someone better, or maybe he'll see you dating and realize what a mistake he made and come back to you. of course you don't have to date if you don't want, but don't sit around waiting for him because if he doesn't come back to you, you're gonna regret the time you wasted waiting when you could have been out living your life. i hope everything works out well for you however it ends up.
I'm sorry to say but it really sounds like he doesn't want to be with you right now. It may be a number of reasons why you two aren't together. But in the end he doesn't want to be together. It sux because you and he made some future plans together. But it's not based on immaturity that he doesn't want to be with you. In fact, he doesn't want to delay it further anymore by telling you it's not going to work. That tells you he's not playing you around.
Take some time off each other. You may make new friends and have a different and better future for yourself. Don't close yourself off to new opportunities!
leave him!! seriously, you'll come to realize this for urself sooner or later..
From what I've just read, it's all set. He has no desire to be involved in a relationship. :\
Just try and move on from this. Take care of yourself for the time being while you're healing from this. If he really cares about you and realizes his mistake in letting you go, he'll return.
But for now, just do things for yourself.
I hope things work out for you.
well let it go i think he isnt that into you anymore..the best thing is to drop off the radar. My gut feel is that he is interested in someone else.
Yeah, i agree. It doesn't really sound like he wants to be tied down right now, i guess he just wants some space.
I hope things get better from here !
Take care :)
take time off for yourself and try to move on.
i was in a similar situation and there was no point in trying once a guy made up his mind already.
I know its easier said than done to leave him alone and move on. Cause you love that person so deeply and you can't grasp why their behavior towards you changed. I went through this 3 yrs ago with my ex-ex. At that time I did not see his actions for what they were. He did not want to be in a relationship. Your ex is young and probably realized that he is not ready for a relationship or wants to see what else is out there. In my case my ex-ex was playing the field. I know what its like to be ignored and treated that way. So I know how confused you must be.
Like I said its easier said than done but you need to move on and think about yourself. I was depressed during this part of my life but there came a point in which I couldn't take it anymore and started changing everything, moved on, and I picked up meditation. Take it from someone that lived it. This person no longer wants to be with you and the best thing to do is to take that step to move on with your life. You deserve better than this. Stay strong, time will help. Know that whatever happens you are going to be ok.
 What I would do is move on. Look I'll bet he is realizing that he doesn't know who he is. He was with you and his identity became wrapped up in you. Now he is just wanting some space. I would suggest that he is not talking to you in front of others because he doesn't know how you are going to react when he talks with you. He may be afraid that you are going to cry or become emotional. He doesn't want a scene?
The best I can say is the old addage "if you love something set it free..." and I think this may be really hard but true for you. I think if you really love him let him go off and find out who he is and what he wants. And enjoy watching the growth in him. He either will come back a better man or he won't come back but that is better than having someone that doesn't love you and is misserable because they feel like they missed out on something.
Obviously I don't know it all but from what you shared and from my detached perspective this is what I would do. I hope some of this helps you. If it doesn't....sorry.
Move on.
It's that simple really. Guys tend to have a need to be alone often (I know I do) whether or not the reason is sound. I chose to remain single because I KNOW myself and my limits and have decided to sacrifice personal relationship opportunities to focus more on work and school.
You're not at fault really, but he had to prioritize and decided that you weren't worth an additional factor of stress to balance in, nor did he want to put you off and ignore you so you can both get your respective shit done. Part of the problem is that balancing school, work, study, and a relationship is VERY taxing on anybody. It can all be balanced, but odds are the grades are going to take a hit and the relationship will suffer/be strained.
My boyfriend and I just broke up a couple weeks ago for the same reason; all though our relationship wasn't nearly as long. School was getting hectic, he was trying to make decisions about leaving, and I guess to him the stress of relationship on top of that wasn't worth it. I'm sure he still cares a lot about you... that was in the case in mine, but he probably thinks it's better for both of you to be able to move on. I know it still sucks though, even if you think about it logically... Good luck :)
"To me, we never had the chance to talk about how we could change anything we weren't happy with."
Maybe this is the problem here. If you two don't talk about your problems and how to better it, the relationship is just going down hill from there.
Talking about your future and your plans with each other is great, but before you two get there, you two have to work on your issues first before you two could get there.
With that said, if he said he has no hope for you two in the future, I would just move on. What more can you do?
I don't want to give you too much hope, because when that hope is crushed, it's beyond cruel. I'm experiencing THE EXACT SAME thing right now...so what I'm telling you is just what I'm going through...
My boyfriend broke up with me after two years of wonderful relationship. We actually had just celebrated our 2nd anniversary less than a week before he broke up with me. We then entered into 5 months of semi-relationship. When we were together, we were just like a couple. He still held my hands, put his arms around me, and he still cuddled me...we still talked every single night. But he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship at that moment.
I went through a lot of ups and downs. There were times when I had hopes for us seeing how he was treating me (even in public). But then what he said didn't make sense at all--that he couldn't give the relationship the degree of devotion he felt I deserved..so finally one day I asked him, "What do you want from me?" and he said "I guess friendship?" I decided to call it completely off. I spent one last day with him, and then I walked away. I deleted his phone number, txt messages...and told him not to call me.
A week later he called me and told me he wanted me back. I told him to think it through...and currently I don't know what he decided (we're allowing a few weeks for each other to think things through and not talking until this coming Sunday)...but you know, if he wants you, HE will be the one who makes an effort to get you back. I know it's hard (I really do), but try to move on as much as you can...
Good luck. I sure hope everything works out in the end.
you can either fight for what you believe in, because down the line he will see it and maybe come back to you, or you can just move on with your life and hope for the best for the both of you.
personally, i've been through this before. the first time the ex and i broke up, i said exactly what he said. but my reason for breaking up with him was because he was too possessive that i felt suffocated. though through some time, we tried to get back together, and when i realized that he was someone i wanted to spend my life with, he no longer felt the same way anymore. he too said, "i just want to be single and concentrate on work." at the time i believed him, but then a short time down the road i found out he 'broke up' with me and didn't want to officially be together anymore because he had fallen for his co worker, and didn't have the balls to tell me. hah anyway, call it karma or whatever you want, but as much as it hurt, it will ALWAYS get better. speaking from personal experience of course. i personally believe that everyone deserves to be with someone who cares for them, who will treat them like a queen. so if this guy isn't giving you the respect and love that you are seeking for, why be with him? he may have been the love of your life, but perhaps he just wasn't the one for you. sorry for the novel and shitty grammar/spelling. hah
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." Alan Cohen
im sorry you have to go thru this too...were pretty much in the same boat. ive recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 yrs and like you he had our sweet moments too and the whole talk about the future. I know that it breaks ur hear to see someone do this to u when u thought he was different and all. I guess the one thing though is that my ex still wants to hangout, but even that hurts...pretending like i dont care.
I know its gonna hurt but the best thing for u to do now is reorganize ur priorities in life. What is really important to u? who will there all the time? focus your attention on building something you know u'll never lose in the end.
In my case, my ex had plans of marrying me but then something inside him change and evr since then he doesnt want to talk about the future anymore. I think he got scared. Just give it time for now. Invest time on yourself to heal, and eventually he'll come around.
@alterEGGO@xanga - i agree with you
just give him some space and breathe. for now, just do you. don't worry about him, or any other guy, just let him be him for now. if he finally decides to come to his senses, he'll come back himself. cheer up :)
I think guys leave their emotional baggage behind easier than women. Of course, it all depends on the individual but it sounds like he really is tired of being in a relationship. Sometimes that can feel like shackles and with men's lack of commitment [as compared to women], I think he just wants his freedom over his relationship with you.
Move on.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but trust me, things will get better soon. It sounds like he's already made his decision and doesn't seem like he'll be changing his mind anytime soon.
If he wanted to make this work, he would. But he's not. If he has no hope for you both in the future and can't picture a future with you, most likely that picture isn't going to happen.
I know it's hard, but try to move on. Try not to think about it, you'll eventually move on and regret wasting time on a guy that didn't care. You deserve better and you may even find that you're happier without him.