Tuesday, 31 March 2009
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Help My Best Friend See Me As More Than A Friend
I told my best friend, T, who I've known for about 7 months, that when I had first met him I had a small crush on him, but I "got over it" (I clearly haven't). He responded with, "Aww, well, when I first met you, my intention was to hook up with you, but you rejected me, so I got discouraged. But I'm glad we became friends, because if we hooked up, it would have gone down a different path."
Long story short, I didn't mean to reject him; he mistook my actions for rejection. But we became very close after that, and now we are best friends. We flirt constantly, sleep in the same bed sometimes (although he tries to avoid touching me in ANY way), he drives from his home half an hour away just to see me for a half hour at a party, meets my friends and gets along with them great. We text each other every day, talk on the phone basically every day, go to the gym together occasionally, and sometimes, when he's drunk, he wants me to kiss him on the lips. I do, and he likes it, but we don't do anything past a peck.
His close friend asked me if I liked him or if I would hook up with him, and keeps sort of hinting to me that T likes me. T always touches me in a flirty way, and when we dance at clubs, it gets intense. He even holds my hands, which is something he doesn't do with any other girl he dances with. But now he seems to avoid dancing with me and I don't get why. He is constantly telling me about how he reads too much into girls' actions, and he tells me about the girls he thinks are hot or he wants to hook up with, which is either him trying to make me jealous, or a clear sign that he's just not that into me. He also says that when he's really into a girl, he doesn't let her know because "some girls like a challenge."
But, at the same time, my friends tell me that it's obvious that he likes me. Multiple times he has randomly said things like, "Man, we are a good looking set of friends." I am the one girl he is ALWAYS spending time with constantly, even when other girls he is apparently into fling themselves at him. He still hangs out with me WAY more than he hangs out with them. If he wasn't that into me, wouldn't he not be around me as much as he is? Or is it just because we are best friends?
He isn't over his ex-girlfriend and vents to me about that, and he's told me that he isn't looking for a relationship right now; he just wants to hook up and try to forget about his ex. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want a relationship, so I got that... I'm not looking for that with him (or at least right now). But that doesn't stop someone from having feelings for someone else, right? My gut instinct is telling me that he DOES like me, but because he's told me constantly that he needs encouragement from girls in order to pursue them (and the fact that I had rejected him in the beginning) so he isn't making a move on me anymore because he thinks I put him in the Best Friend Zone.The one thing I DO know is that we both know that we are attracted to each other, and I can always sense sexual tension between us. He made it clear to me the other day that he knows I'm "not interested" in him... should I make a move? How do I bring this up? I want it to be natural and laid back, but I can't figure out how to approach this at ALL.
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About the Author
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- From: gymnastgrl5@xanga
- Name: gymnastgrl5
- About Me: My dream is to get into Cirque du Soleil, I want it more than anything. I perform on Aerial Fabric to the song Roxanne by Moulin Rouge... it's my passion, I live and breathe performing. I'm way too hyper-observant, a hopeless romantic, and have gone through way too much for an 18 year old.
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Comments (27)
My favorite policy is honesty.
I think that's the best way to go about things.
"Remember when you thought I rejected you? Well, actually...."
Yunno? Just go for it. See what happens. Good luck!
Hmm . . . have you told him . . . well you can definitly hint at it poke at the idea really hard! And make sure the idea gets through.
If you guys are as tight as you say you are, and you really think you want to try this...
Bust a move.
If he rejects you, be honest and say something, "I really wanted to give this a shot, but now since I know you're not interested, I think this will help me get over you." Then, make it obvious to him that you really do enjoy his friendship as just that, friendship.
If he's really one of your best friends, he won't let a misplaced move ruin the friendship youve got.. and if he does, well, honestly he's probably not the kind of guy friend that will stick around anyway, so to hell with him.
My first instincts says that he's obviously attracted to you, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and in fact would just wanna hook up. I think if you wanna see if there's any relationship potential with him you gotta asked him personally. However, I'm not sure if right now is the best time to get in a relationship with him, especially if you know he's still not over his ex.
Didn't he say that he's not looking for a relationship right now?
If you think its worth a shot, then kiss him and see how he reacts..and do it while being sober. But chances are he's still very emotionally unstable especially if he's still talking about his ex. I think in this situation, it's worth it, but be prepared if things do not go the way you imagine them.
Next time you're dancing (sober) kiss him. Let it get intense, and then kiss him.
Maybe you should try making a move on him to see his reaction... Maybe you should go in for a longer peck during the right moments when he isn't drunk. NEVER TRUST A GUY IF HE IS DRUNK because he can always use that excuse to get away with. Just try doing some thing more intimate to see his response if he likes it and goes with it or if he backs away with a confused look. If he doesn't feel the same way just shrug it off like it's nothing. It's easier said than done but give it a try if you want your answer.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - This guy hit it on the head exactly.
Your friend/potential bf is at a war with three perceptions: the thought of being with you, the thought of going back to the ex or the thought of being with somebody else all together. If he's doing this shit like I do often, he's bringing up other girls to cover his ass about how he feels for you out of rejection. Because if he goes all in and you weren't ready, he's going to hurt REAL bad.
You need to confront this issue with him head on. He says one thing; but he's damn near doing EVERYTHING OPPOSITE! Sit him down and try to figure out where exactly you two stand. Odds are, if this keeps going, you will get massively confused.
just lay him already and get it over with
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Took the words right outta my mouth!
The question isn't should you make a move. It's if you make a move will you be ok with hooking up and not being able to have him. You said that he isn't over his ex. Which to me means you will be second in eyes. =/ But if you are ok with it than make a move. He does seem to like you. And who knows? Maybe you'll be the girl to change him =). Sweets, everything is in your hands.
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - Ditto.
I suggest you wait until he's ready for a relationship or else, you're just going to be a booty call/rebound for him.
i think you both are afraid the other person doesn't really like the other as much so you both are playing all these unnecessary games which could lead to either one of you hooking up with somebody else and hurting the other. his actions seem to speak louder than words. probably the reason why he is being so coy is he is afraid you arne't into him as much. i think you need to just flat out ask him what his feelings are for you and if he says somethng about knowing you aren't interested, dispel that myth! you both need to let go of your pride and be real, honest.
my instincts say he totally likes you. he was probably testing the waters a couple of times, and protecting himself from getting too emotionally attached other times. sit him down and ask him to be real, put his pride on the shelf, but then you also own up to your feelings!
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - good point. i must've skimmed over that part way too fast. *quickly re-reads*
....well, in that case, proceed w/ caution. still sit him down/talk, but keep your expectations low seeing as he says he's not over his ex.
also, take roadlesstaken's advice and message him in the morning. lol.
@YouTOme@xanga - "also, take roadlesstaken's advice and message him in the morning. lol."
Haha thanks =P
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - well i heard you were a doctor!!
- my lame april fools joke
Honey, only you can decide.
This is a tough, but not unusual situation. Some might agree that guys and girls can't be friends, and that sexual tension seems to prove this so. You need to ask yourself if you're happy in your friendly state right now, and if you really want to hook up with this guy. Will it strain your friendship and possibly end it? Or will it make your bond stronger and potentially grow to something more? Keep in mind that complicating a friendship is a risky move, although it can possibly lead to greater things. My advice, listen to your instincts. Good luck!
wow you are kind of hot, I see why this guy likes you.
But back to your problem, I think being honest is the way to go. But be clear with him, you don't just want to be the girl he screws around with from time to time. Tell him you are attracted to him and you are starting to have feelings for him and you get the impression that he does too. And if he confirms this is true, then you two should be a couple or at least try. But if he doesn't want a serious relationship and he pretty much just wants sex then don't. Because though a friends with benefits seems like a good idea on paper, someone gets hurt. And if you can, just be friends, though that task seems challenging. Then you will know for sure. This guy doesn't seem really assertive, either that or he is afraid of rejection. I don't mean to pick at your age, but its time to get over the elementary school "I like you-I hate you" attitudes and just put it out there. If he doesn't feel the same way you do, then if you can try to continue to be friends without the sexual benefits, if not move on. Roll with the punches until you find what you need.
good luck
Just tell him. If he thinks you're "not interested" in him when you actually are, then prove him wrong.
if it was me, i would flirt some more to see how he respond. and go from there
@YouTOme@xanga - Haha you had me there for a second. I was like who said THAT?
As much as I support relationships with your best friends (cause sometimes it REALLY can work), I say wait it out. However, I do suggest you talk to him. Be honest, and figure out where he stands on all of this. Communication's the only way you'll figure out if he does like you or not. Just be prepared if he says no. Tell him you don't want to be a rebound for him but more like an actual formal relationship.
Best of luck. I was friends with my best friend for 4 years before we started dating. Couldn't be happier I swear it. I had a 2-year-long off-and-on crush on him, it was insane.
go for it. he already likes you. you don't need any help from anyone haha.
Why don't you just lay one on his lips next time and not just a peck? But if he isn't looking for a relationship and YOU aren't looking for a relationship, why do you want to pursue it? Is it worth the risk of damaging the friendship? Or is this something like "I don't want to be in a relationship but want to pursue this guy until he is ready so then I am ready."
You might want to think about if you want to have a serious relationship with him before letting him know. And since he thought you rejected him, it's best if YOU let him know that you ARE interested in him. Give him a big smackeroo and then after the intense make out...admit your feelings and ask what he wants with you two. If he isn't ready to build a relationship, take a break for a bit and then continue the friendship.
im all for the just tell him vibe going on here
but also be careful
becuase its obvious you 2 are really good friends
make sure your okay with the whole FWB and just h/u thing cus that mayb what he wants
cus it sounds lik hes not over his ex and NOT rdy for that much "emotional" lvl of a relat. that most girls need...
but hay, he wants you, you want him
what are you waiting for?!?!?!
you only live once.