Tuesday, 31 March 2009
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She Thinks We're Still Together But We're Not.
Recently, I broke up with "J," my girlfriend of nearly a year. I wanted nothing to do with her; she pissed me off so bad and it was VERY clear at the time that she felt the same. She cannot trust me no matter what, she cannot ever be honest about what she wants or thinks or feels, and apparently, I monopolize any conversation we ever have and I always make her feel like crap. Whatever.
So, with my newfound freedom, I went out with "D," this guy I've been friends with for a while and kinda had a thing for. I never did or said anything about it because I was with J. We had the best time - he was the perfect gentleman and I learned so much about him, it made me really like him a lot. We went out at 9 p.m. and I didn't get home until just after 8 a.m. - it was the greatest night ever! We talked and laughed and sat outside under a blanket watching the stars, which is something J would never do with me because she's so afraid of getting "caught" with me. We were both raised to believe that being gay was wrong. I didn't know I was bi until I fell in love with her, and vice versa. We're not openly out to any of our friends or families, either, but we live together.I got home and J asked where I had been. She'd worked the night before and was used to getting home and finding me in bed asleep. I wasn't there when she got home. I told her I had been with D and she nodded and went into our/her room. I guess she didn't get that I had gone out on a date with him, because when I followed her into her room, she said she thought about "us" at work and decided that she was still in love with me but was "confused" because our relationship is against everything she's been taught her whole life. I said if it was so confusing, we should just stay broken up and go out with guys. She started crying, saying that the thought of another guy holding me or touching me like she had made her sick. She said she didn't care if it was confusing, but she loved me and was IN love with me, so we should stay together. She kept saying how in love she was with me over and over again and crying because she didn't want to think about the idea of being without me or me being with someone else. I tried to tell her that I felt it was really over and stuff but she wouldn't have any of it and just kept crying.
We ended up having sex, which was stupid because I was still really confused about where we stood with each other. Apparently, sex for her means we're back together even though nothing has changed.
I hate it because I really do like D but J is so fragile and she can't handle this, especially not after all of that. I still love her. She will always have a few very special places in my heart - one of my very best friend ever, and of being my first love. But I just don't feel that way about her anymore. She can't trust me or be honest with me about how she's feeling. She constantly pushes me away when we have any disagreements at all and you know what? After being pushed away and iced out so often, I'm kinda getting the feeling that I'm not welcome here, so I'm gone.
I just don't know what to do now because I live with her and can't move out (I moved to Michigan to live with her from Texas). She's still convinced we're still together but I want to move on.
How do I break it to her that I want to see someone else but still be friends with her? Or should I forget about the guy until J moves on too?
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- From: x_last_first_kiss_x@xanga
- Name: Ashley
- About Me: I don't always have a clue about what's going on, but I'm determined to enjoy life to the fullest. The choice is always yours to make.
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Comments (29)
Woah... Having sex with her was not a smart move. She's going to be VERY confused.... You might try talking to her and figuring out what attracted you to her in the first place. If you're still having sex with her, you must still be with her in some way. Maybe if you tried working out your differences then you could salvage what's left of your relationship and build on that. You don't really want to lose the last year of your life for some new fling. At least I wouldn't.
You really screwed yourself over by having sex with her.
Don't really know what else to say beside that, good luck.
You can't stay in a relationship you're not happy with just for the sake of the other person. It's pretty clear to me that you need to move out.
But I guess you already figured that. Just be upfront with her. Sit her down and have a talk. She will be very upset I'm sure, but what else can you do?
Did you actually break up with her? Using those words? Or were you just assuming that it was very clear? It sounds to me like she just misunderstood. And having sex probably was a really big mistake. That definitely didn't help clear things up.
I say it's best if you break it off completely with her before you even THINK about going out with another person...especially since you want to be friends. She'll feel used or that you were leading her on if she finds out about D...
Good luck.
Why can't you move out? Why can't you find your own place. It sounds to me like you need to figure out what you really want her or not. Don't even bring anyone else into this. If you aren't happy with her then move to make sure you are happy...then start dating but don't do it and live in the same house that would be like flaunting the fact to her.
U just need to come right out and tell her. yall not together and its just not going to happen simple as that. u stop being intrested in her because she couldnt trust u or she couldnt talk to you about everything...u dont like that done to you so dont do it to her. let it be known and asap because leading someone on and u dont have the same feelins can hurt the person even worse. JUST TELL HER!!!!!!!
Clearly, you already made your decision and you do want to move on. There is no nice way to break up with someone. You just have to sit her down and be completely honest with her. That's the least you can do for her and yourself. Don't stay in a relationship where you are not happy to make someone happy. You're just going to hurt yourself and resent her for it in the long run.
Let go. Move out. Start a new chapter in life.
It'll hurt but in time, your wounds would heal. You'll thank yourself for it later and so would she.
first step, move out.
i stayed with a guy i wanted to break up with for a year and i regretted it deeply. i also regretted ever dating him but that is somewhat of a different story.
uum. you need to tell her the truth- you're doing no favors by keeping it from her, and then find a new place to live.
1. Move out. Unless you're stuck in a lease, which is what I am assuming.
2. Sit her down and tell her it's over. Breakups are never easy.
3. Having sex with her was a baaaaad idea. Don't do it again if you want her to get the hint that it's over.
That's what I would do, but ultimately, it's your choice. If you want to stay with her, you need to talk to her about it and let her know that in order to make it work these things need to change. If not, you're gone.
Sounds like the situation sucks. I didn't read the whole thing but from what I've seen in the comments it sounds like you had sex with her after breaking up while she was still in a foggy stage about your relationship. Doesn't sound good at all. Seems like you made your fair share of mistakes.
Best thing to do is be clear and concise from now on! Let her know exactly how you feel and don't believe that she'll take sex as just sex.
Tell her straight up. No need to beat around the bush.
If she sees that you really, really mean it, and she's a true friend, she'll stick around and remain your friend.
Tell her over again that it's over. You're sorry if you confused her. But it's just over and you've already moved on. She needs to, too.
Really? Sex? Headaches all around!
You've just confirmed with this girl that you're back together, because you allowed yourself to have sex with her instead of making it clear that you were broken up. You're letting the fear of her being hurt keep you chained in a relationship you don't want to be in. If you indulge her now, you'll always do it. She won't move on at this rate.
You'll just have to be straight forward. It's more successful than inadvertent make-up sex.
Yeah, um, move out.
Find a way.
wait wait wait. I might be stupid but if J is your girlfriend and D is your boyfriend are you male/female? and are you bisexual? Sorry! I think I am a little naieve >.<
@MartialArtist322@xanga - you skipped some lines apparently. :/
and yeah. sex during breakup = very mixed signals, chica.but do you really want to just wait until she's over you?that's not fair to either of you.i agree, you have to tell her.
The best thing you can do to her is break up, and give her some time and space to grieve, hate you for a bit and move on. Maybe you can be friends later but you're gonna have to not talk to her or anything until she is over it.
Having sex with her was really stupid. Tell her the truth, say that having sex with her was a mistake and that you want to be with "D". Of course she will be hurt, but if you don't do this, she will continue to get hurt. Besides, if you don't tell her, she will get the idea after awhile and become even more confused and hurt.
have her get a counselor- i mean if you want it to work than get counseling and say 'you need to be honest with me and give and take a little more if you want this to work..'
but she just seems dramatic- and like she has some things to sort out
i like the guy better
you will probably need to move out, i know you moved for her
but it would be for the best. if you want to move on with your life you need to move out
just tell her exactly what you said, 'i'm sorry but this is not working, i do not see us going anywhere long term... so i feel its best we cut it off now. its just that i feel like there are many things that aren't working, like we do not have good communication-etcetc. ... but i will always care about you and i truly wish you the best'
this honestly makes me really sad. because i am that girl. i can't be honest with him and do freeze him out
and we were our first love
its just funny reading your post- because its like it was written by him... this probably doesn't apply. but. maybe something happened and because she doesn't want to talk about it before she knew it she couldn't talk about anything
honesty really does matter, if i would have been honest- maybe he would have wanted it. but idk. it kind of faded for both of us
its just sad
well, you know what to do
xoxoxx
I say u tell her where u stand and dont go out with this guy till time has passed or u have moved on. It sucks feeling replaced
Just tell her straight up it's over instead of dragging it on. I think it's hard to remain friends once a person becomes your ex.
i think from what i can tell, she;s not gonna handle it well and i doubt you guys are gonna be "friends" after this =T
er......you probably won't be able to be friends with her for a long time, so prepare yourself for that. it would be better for you both to not be friends for a while anyway...helps with the getting-over-it.
and you do need to be honest, but firm with her. she thinks sex makes everything ok, which is not true. so don't let her continue thinking that. set her straight, and soon.
also, i'd start looking for a new place to live immediately; if it's impossible to break your current lease have something lined up for when your time in your apartment with J is up. Tell her you are planning to move out.
for me, i wouldn't stop seeing the boy if you really like him, but i would let him know what's going on with the living situation and the ex-gf, just so he's not blindsided. if she gets his numbers and crazy-calls him in a fit of rage.
This is one of those situations where the best thing (and maybe the worst thing) is to be honest with everyone [especially yourself!], and you will never make a clean break otherwise.