Monday, 30 March 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I'm Going Right to Friendship Hell
My friend N had a party for her police academy graduation last weekend. There was an AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS guy there, M; I ended up spending most of my night with him and then he drove me home.
We spent most of the night off in the corner laughing to ourselves about everyone else. He impressed me with 1) his looks, 2) his sense of humor and 3) his intelligence. I'm telling you, total package. Come to find out, he knows N 'cause he dated her...for four and a half years. Yeah, I found out that this is the M who she wanted/wants to marry one day...uh oh. Well, that makes my hundreds of inappropriate thoughts awkward...but wait, what about D...N's boyfriend who she lives with?...Hmm.So fast forward to a few days ago when I friended M on Facebook...mmmm, shirtless pictures of M. Wait - bad...off limits, right?
Fast forward again to tonight, when he and I were talking on Facebook IM. FML, he is amazing. We ended up swapping numbers after he offered his up. And now, after he signed off Facebook, we're texting. And he's talking about hanging out next weekend, which only part of me is opposed to.
That is terrible, isn't it?
...or does it not matter because N's with D and has no "dibs" on M, especially because they split years ago and are now "just friends"....ugh, what do I do?
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Comments (27)
Ehh, this is a tricky situation. I'd be curious to know how long ago it was that your friend dated this guy.
If you are really friends with N, you have to let her know. Its debatable whether you need her consent or not, but at the least you have to let her know.
Ask your friend first. If it really was years ago and she is over him, it shouldn't be a problem. It's still a really awkward situation, though. Good luck!
Wellll, she's living with her new boyfriend, then it must be atleast semi-serious with him. So, really she can't be like "no, you can't date him." If she is truely just friends with mr. perfect then there should be no problem.
It all comes down to how much you value your friendship. I'd mention the idea of how you've been talking to him, and what a sweet guy he is.. See if she flips out that you're talking to him. Then, ask what she'd think about you two as a couple. Just go from there.
And remember; what's worse to lose-- your best friend, or a possible boyfriend? Make sure you REALLY know the answer if you choose to throw your friendship away for a boy. Good luck! :)
Uhh.
If I were in that situation, I'd just casually bring up "M" to her and talk about him? "Soo, I met M the other night..."
But I guess it shouldn't be that serious, since your friend has a boyfriend.
talk to N, see if she's fine with it. get hre permission and what not.
I agree with dreamerboi23, I think that you should have a conversation with N, but no necessarily to ask her permission. That depends on if you feel that you should have her permission or not.
Either u go after the guy and lose ur friend. Or u say bye bye to ur friend and go with the guy. I dont care if u ask her, because if she says its ok, shes lying and u are gunna lose ur friend neways
how about you try it out and find out his fun flaws.
You're going to have to talk to her before any of this gets more serious. Better to tell her yourself than have her find out about it via facebook or something, right? But if she's anything like me, she won't care that her friend is dating an ex she once "loved" if she's with somebody new. I would know... happened to me too and it's all fine and dandy!
What you might want to do depends on how close you are with your friend. If she's still hung over him (which she probably isn't, or she wouldn't/shouldn't be dating another guy out of fairness), then you might want to either 1. back off for a while, or 2. talk to her and have her think about why she's with her new boyfriend and why she's not over M. If she's over him, then go for it. Why not, right? Either way, communication is probably the best option here; just talk to her. If she's really your friend, and if she's in a new, happy relationship, then she'll either get over it or be happy for you. Good luck!
This kind of stuff is why I like just having acquaintances. I don't have to worry about stepping on anybodys toes because A) I probably won't, and B) Hey, I don't know I'm doing it anyway so they can't hate me.
(Selfish? Possibly.)
Okay, so, you're worried about how your friend will react, and all of that. You don't want bad feelings between you and your friend over some guy who you just met. Understandable, absolutely.
Bring M up to her randomly. Test the waters to see how she reacts in general to the thought of you two corresponding.
If she is honestly just friends with him, she shouldn't really be bothered. She's with another guy now, even living with him. She's got her a man, why should M be off limits to you? She must be serious about D to be living with him. So if she's honestly over M, she wouldn't have any problem with it. Or shouldn't.
Talk to your friend, see how she feels and tell her you really like this guy. If it looks like you're hiding it from her, she will feel more betrayed than if you just told her yourself.
Go out w him.
How good of friends are you if she dated the guy 4 and 1/2 years and you never met him? It has been over long enough that yall have become friends. I think the girl's claiming guys indefinatly is well..wrong. I hope that made sense.
Before you do anything with M, let your friend (N) know. Tell N that you really like M and would like to get to know him. If she don't mind, go for it. If she does, respect her feelings but still, you're not asking for her permission. You are letting her know as a friend should before M and you can take it any further. Besides, they have broken up for years and she is living with her boyfriend who they might be kind of serious.
If she does mind, it makes me curious. Why? She's with D and besides, if she was really a friend, she wouldn't stop you from getting to know someone even if it was someone who she thought she might of gotten married to.
Well if "N" is with "D" then there should be no problem whatsoever. "N" really doesn't have a say in the matter if you go for "M." "N" can't complain about you going out with "M" because she's with someone and should be well over "M" to begin with. It's safe for you to assume that she is over her ex and if she's not, too bad. "M" is fair game in my book. Although, it would probably be a good idea to let her know that you're going to be going out with her ex so there are no surprises or whatever. If she's okay with it, great, but if not oh well. You aren't getting nor do you need her permission to get to know him better and potentially date him.
Just go for it with M.
Talk it over with your friend and see if she gives you the heads up. You don't want to waste a friend over a guy, no matter how amazing he is.
everybody loves sloppy seconds.
friends do not date each others exes.
lol he is sooo off limits.
what's this friendship worth to you?
Hmm wouldn't she have noticed if you'd spent most of the night at the party with him? Either way... you definitely need to talk to her. I don't know how good friends you are, but I think exes of good friends are off-limits. IMO.
How close are you with the ex-girlfriend? Ask her if she's cool with it. Ask yourself if you'll be cool with it and ask yourself if you two were dating, would you stop him from hanging out with the ex-gf (becoming jealous)?
Go to your friend, tell her about it. If she's a true friend, she will tell you her thoughts - honestly! If she doesn't want you to date M, she'll explain her reasons (and they shouldn't be stupid reasons).
If she says she wants some time to think about it - give her time. After thinking it through, I'm sure she'll realize that she has no "dibs" and you and M are both free to do what you want, but you had the courtesy to tell her and or ask her first.
I would mention that he asked you to hang out and see what she says. I mean she IS living with her current BF so she really doesn't have a claim on the other guy.