Monday, 30 March 2009

• Friendship or Relationship - Walking The Fine Lines

  I haven't been the luckiest individual when it comes to love, to say the least, and even so early in my life, I have to say I've had at least my fair share of disappointments. Every time I have a passing fancy and act on it, it goes off without a hitch, but every time I fall in love, it seems like I'm doomed from the start. Unfortunately, this time it looks like I've fallen in love with my best friend.

  It started out (and on the surface, still continues) like most serious high school friendships between girls do - we're like sisters - inseparable - though we have our moments. Joined at the hip. We like being together, like friends should, and spend a decent amount of time with each other, because that's what we enjoy doing. She helps me through heartaches and other troubles; I help her out when her parents are being ridiculous or there's something else on her mind, the way it should be. We're very close - so close that since about two years ago, friends of ours have jokingly stated that we're going to end up married.

  I suppose you could say we're a very intimate sort of close. That is, when you get right down to it, we really do act like a couple. More often than not, she leads me around by the hand, we tell each other absolutely everything, and it's gotten to the point where it's completely natural when we stay the night at one another's house to sleep in the same bed (not very odd, I suppose? I've only ever had one best friend, so I don't really know), curled up very close together. More often than not, actually, she wraps me up in her arms, the way one would a lover. It's just been a natural sort of thing for us, and it's never bothered me, because I'm so just comfortable with her.

  The problem is that I'm falling in love with her - probably not even falling anymore, as it's probably far too late to use the present tense. It's not like a lusting after her kind of in love with her, either, or I would just attribute that to sexual frustration (the waiting game is a hard one). No, as a friend, she means the world to me, and I know that that is always going to be the case and I'm always going to love her, but now it seems like there's something more. It's overwhelming, a semi-subconscious need to be hers. Kind of strange, because it crept right out of the woodwork, but that's how these things happen anyway, isn't it?

  And it's not like I'm hiding it from her. We dated for a little while at the beginning of the year, and we've talked about it, and much to my dismay it seems that she really just isn't romantically into me, so far as she can tell. The problem is, I don't know if she would be able to tell one way or another.

  She is a very practical individual, and a few years back, she went through a little issue with a mutual friend of ours. Nothing big - he didn't mistreat her, wasn't a jerk to her or anything like that, but she kept finding that she would fall hard for him and feel bad about the whole thing, and then when they were dating, she was not interested at all. This went on for a couple of months, with them getting together and breaking up again over and over, until finally, she pretty much stuffed all romantic anything that she had into a little box and threw it into the ocean. I think I helped the ocean throwing along, as well.
  

  She'd been interested a while back, before we even dated, but I was lovelorn and wallowing in self pity over some boy, and she decided not to go for it. Now I think that her feelings are probably lying in a jumbled mass somewhere cursing her name. They may or may not be for me - I kind of wish she would find them in general, for me or otherwise, so I could know whether or not to get over myself and move on.

  I am impatient.

  It's hard, because aside from being in love with her, I know I love her more than anything and I hate that it hurts to be around her. I just want to talk to her about it, but I don't want her to think I'm pushing the issue.

  SIGH.

  Anyone else ever walked those fine lines before?

  • 8:03 PM
  • 1863 Views
  • 36 eProps
  • 18 Comments