Anyone who's read my blog for a while now knows about the paradigm shift in my current relationship. I'm with a wonderful woman who I feel deserves the very best life has to offer, including the best of myself. This has led to me doing small/large things that under most circumstances, I wouldn't do for my girlfriend. I gave her my vehicle to drive three hours away and keep for two weeks because her car was messed up. I paid to get her car fixed and I'm not allowing her to pay me back. The list goes on and on of things that some of my close Xanga female friends have called "hubby activities," meaning that a lot of my actions would correspond to what a husband would do for his lawfully wedded wife. All this is okay with me because I do see myself spending the rest of my life with her.
Realizing all of this has led me to question some things about the way daily life is expected to run.
In particular, the concept of marriage compared to the concept of a serious relationship. I personally don't see the large gap that supposedly exists between the actions of two people who are in a
serious "relationship" and the actions of two people who are married. Through my eyes, I don't know what more I would do for the love of my life after we're married that I'm not already doing now. I'm supporting her in every manner I'm capable of - whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, I'm there for her. The only thing left, in my eyes, is for her to take my last name and co-habitation. But my focus is not on the physical circumstances or the legalities that come with being married. It's even been suggested in California to do away with the legal side of a marriage, which is another blog post for another time.
My question is, what are the intangibles that would change in between before and after saying "I do"? I can't think of many things in my life that would require much alteration. My level of commitment is higher than it's ever been in my life, my focus on the long term, my dedication to one person, all these things are at the point where they need to be to ensure long term success. But what about you?
If you're already married, what was the biggest change for you, if any?
If you're not married, what do you predict will be some of the things that will need to be changed about you?
I'm all for marriage and plan to do so at the first chance our lives allow for it to happen. However, that doesn't stop me from questioning the nature of the change from one stage of life to the next.
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Comments (78)
My mom says I'm "mentally married" to my boyfriend, haha.
But to answer your question, I don't think there's all that much of a difference between being in a serious relationship & being married. Some people just like to put a label on things.
Then again, the only relationship I've ever been in is the one I'm in now, and we're both living at college. We basically live in the same room, so it feels like we're living together. My point of view is probably skewed because of lack of experience.
I've actually spent a month living with my SO while I was house-sitting and it was during that time that I really came to understand the intangible that you're talking about.
The leap between a committed relationship and marriage or cohabitation (in my unmarried eyes) comes from the ability to maintain your individual space and identity even when the two of you are considered to be "like one." It true that you could do without marriage and still emulate all of the ideals of it.
Marriage is more of a "forever" (although it doesn't HAVE to be by any means) where as there is an easier escape in simply committed relationships. When you choose to be married, you have a responsibility for the other person that may not necessarily be present otherwise. You're more likely to devote yourselves to them or feel confined by the nature of the relationship and so balance becomes vitally important during these transitional stages. It can really make or break the relationship.
Personally, this means that I have to be a lot more giving both emotionally, spatially and within my schedule. I have lived alone (as an only child, latch key kid) for so long that I noticed a sense of greediness (for his affection, for his time, etc) when we lived together that I didn't experience outside of that in our relationship.
I imagine you won't know until you try it. Best of luck in any case :)
I think saying 'I do' puts you into the responsibility, and shows that you care about things and the relationship. (on the negative,) Serious relationship can give people excuses to be care less. Not everyone feels the need to be there for the other person. This reminds me of a drawback of saying 'I do.' Some people say 'I do' but don't really 'do it.' After all, marry or not makes no difference if both individules commit to the relationship.
Only difference is she won't be able to take half of your stuff when you split up. Other than that, there is no reason to get married. There's nothing you can't get in a marriage that you can't without one. Don't listen to women, because they have everything to gain from making you sign that contract.
@catguin@xanga - But getting a divorce is easier than getting a driver's license these days. How much "responsibility" do you really get from marriage anymore?
@irishgrrl690@xanga - There's no study out there that shows what you said to be true. In fact, the high divorce rates might suggest that it is actually not.
I don't think much changes, except perhaps the notion of permanence. Some people feel more tied down in a marriage than they do while dating. Haha, don't ask me; I don't know why.
My fiancé and I have been together for over 5 1/2 years now. We've never had sex/never lived together...so obviously that will be a HUGE change!
We're also planning to have children, so another ginormous change there.
We're obviously very traditional, so I imagine many things are going to change. It'll be difficult, but I am so incredibly blessed to be getting married to him.
@coolmonkey@xanga - To be fair, 49% of cohabitation relationships end in 5 years, and of those
remaining, 70% turn to marriage. For white women (such as myself) 75% of those relationships result in marriage within five years.
It's about fifty-fifty actually. So that's rather inconclusive.
(this information is from a 2002 study by the CDC based on face-to-face interviews with 10,847 women age 15-44 in 1995.)
@irishgrrl690@xanga - But the main question is whether or not things change when you're married or not, and there's no real way to prove that either way. But for a male, there is certainly no benefit to it.
@coolmonkey@xanga - Yah I guess you're right.
Sharing a life with the woman you love does sound like there are no benefits whatsoever. Well darn.
Also, I can imagine how sharing the financial burden of a house or other day-to-day expenses would really NOT benefit anyone. Oh. Or tax rebates. Or a sign of general devotion.
Man. That WOULD suck.
Hey, to each their own.
@irishgrrl690@xanga -
1) You can share a life with the woman you love without getting married.
2) If you don't have a family to support, you don't need to live in a house. A nice condo or apartment will suffice for a bachelor pad. Also, you may share expenses, but most of those will be hers anyway, so you don't really gain from that arrangement. The small tax rebates are not worth the tremendous cost of divorce if the marriage doesn't work out.
Having lived with my fiance for three years, and having been with him for four years, I can honestly say that not much will change for us. I'm just anxious to be his wife, to have his name, to be "official." I do feel like we're married already, though, just without the tax benefits
. So it's more a sentimental thing than anything, I guess.
-Katie
ehhh its much harder for u to get out of it than if u were just dating but i guess even divorce is easier now
@coolmonkey@xanga - what if one of you gets into an accident and is in the hospital, in a comma or something. If your not married then the other has aboslutley no say in what happens.
@Cameronie@xanga - Well, the next in the chain-of-command is my immediate family to make that decision, right? So in either case, someone will make that choice in that life-or-death (hopefully unlikely) situation.
I would say in marriage it's much more official. And by that I mean you got a slip of paper as proof, you share the same last name, and as with anything, great power comes great responsibility. Marriage to me seems more stressful than in a serious relationship (in both good and bad ways). And of course, tax benefits and all that jazz.
Right now with my bf, when we lived together it went really well and I felt like it was a lil sneak peek as to how we would be should we become married. Granted it was only a month, but we do plan on living together once my internship is done and I get a permanent job. And I am in no rush to get married, and neither is he, and we're happy with that.
Wow, you're so sweet. It's hard meeting a good man these days esp. since a lot of guys don't have chivalry. If you get dumped your woman is a fool!
I didn't think there was much difference between being married and being in a serious relationship but there is a world of difference. I strongly believe that your choice of spouse is the largest decision of your life. this is the person who will be your life partner. marriage makes your relationship official.
@coolmonkey@xanga - Well duh.
You merely sound like there's no upside to marriage whatsoever. I'm just arguing that there are plenty of great things about marriage including the continuation of what you already have in a more permanent state.
And what do you mean most of the expenses will be hers?? I know for a fact that my SO consumes WAY more food than I do, has a much more expensive taste in clothes and probably uses a lot more electricity than I do. So... what expenses are you referring to?
Once people get married, they assume ownership of each other. It can feel confining and be the source of many fights as can a variety of just sharing the same space issues. Married people often have jealousy issues with each other, may not be sexually compatible, may have disagreements over their shared spaces, may not be as romantically inclined toward one another after the courtship phase is over. It's one thing to say you want to be with someone forever - and bear in mind marriage is in front of witnesses who will try to hold you to it - but it is quite another to really want to stay with someone once you get to know them in a far more up close and personal way than can be imagined while simply dating.
I've been married thrice... none of those times my idea. I just let myself get more or less cajoled into it. Long story. First guy was easy going and very romantic while we dated and even when we lived together. He allegedly liked to dance with me which I particularly loved. That all ended the instant I married him. Suddenly he became a psycho jealous tyrant and there was nothing easy going or romantic about our relationship at all. He also became abusive. It was all to clear he merely considered me a possession, an important one, but a possession all the same. Under duress I converted to Islam just to get him off my back about it. He was a Muslim Iranian, so this may have simply gone with the territory, but it did NOT endear me to marriage.
The second hubby I met in the Army. He was fun, romantic, and tolerant even after I married but turned into emotionally abusive psycho with serious issues once we both left the military and had babies. It was painfully clear that he couldn't handle personal responsibility and normal stresses on the outside or in marriage and he refused to acknowledge that it was a problem.
Third hubby... well, after the first two fiascos, I kept saying no to his proposals for 5 years straight even though I didn't mind living together and we got along well. I didn't want him to turn into a monster like the other two had. We had to get married in order to get a house loan. That was the only reason I gave in. But he didn't turn into a monster. The only trouble is the fact that I'd like house pets, he won't tolerate them, and we are completely, 100% sexually incompatible. That stuff would have been nice to know before we got married but, really, even living together, there was not a clue until after we got married.
Hence, I do not recommend marriage. I think you're better off just the way you are. But I may be a bit biased there.
Sorry for the long post. I couldn't think of a short way to put it.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - There's plenty of upsides to get married for a woman, but not for a man. Typically, marriage is divorce insurance for a woman because the courts almost always side with her since men usually earn more. If you marry a guy that makes significantly less than you, then that's your own fault.
You can't deny that, in most relationships, the woman is, by far, the bigger consumer. Just because you deem yourself the exception, it doesn't disprove the rule. And if you weren't married and living separately, this money situation wouldn't even be an issue.
Awww, your post made me cry. You're so sweet!
I'm 17 and almost 18. My boyfriend is 19. We've been dating for over three years and have been friends for almost five. No one understands our relationship but us. Everyone thinks, "Oh, you stupid naive teenagers" when they hear about us talking about marriage, but we are closer and fit more perfectly together than a LOT of people. And most of the reason is because no one understands that my boyfriend has for his age a miraculous maturity that goes wayyyy beyond his years. He's more mature than my very responsible and wise parents, and they've had time on their sides.
Anyways, me and my boyfriend are going to get married when we graduate from college (we're freshmen right now) and attending the same university. We are headed in the same tracks career-wise. Medicine. And we both just.. work. We've been through MANY hard times, but I know that with time and a lot of effort our problems will be solved especially with my boyfriend's almost limitless patience.
His maturity and patience are things that he acquired, I believe, through his hardships during his childhood. He had an abusive stepfather and very very strict religious grandparents.
But we're so close that we act like a married couple and in some ways, we already are.
We share the same bank account. We help out the other in their time of need (as long as it's ultimately beneficial) We have shared our deepest and darkest secrets with each other. There are no lies within our relationship, though there are times where we keep our thoughts to ourselves, because telling each other EVERYTHING on your minds will always lead to trouble.
Okay... I've ranted enough.
Summary: Me and my boyfriend, despite our young age, are married in spirit.
The actual action of getting married, with the wedding and all, is just a formality. What most people don't understand is that you first need to be married spiritually before getting married formally. And that's why there are so many divorces these days; a lot of people rush into marriage without REALLY getting to know their significant other until it's too late.
@coolmonkey@xanga - I don't think that women "win" divorce proceedings simply because men tend to make more (this is becoming less and less of an excuse these days anyway). Recent studies (such as the one published in 2008 by the American Sociological Review) actually found that women were 25% more likely to attain a managerial position in a shrinking economy. Another study released in 2004 found that women were 20% more likely than in 1994 to earn more than their male counterparts. In 2005 a study found that in dual income families, the wives earned more than their husbands 25.5% of the time in comparison to 10% of the time in 1995. This suggests that that excuse is diminishing rather quickly.
I think women receiving more money after a divorce also has to do with the fact that women are much more likely to receive the children (85% of child support payers are male).
Furthermore, I'm NOT an exception to the spending rule. Because men tend to have a larger income than women they are also more likely to buy big ticket items. Men aged 30-44 have, on average $2,000 MORE debt than women. Men aged 45 to 59 have, on average, $4,000 dollars more debt than their female counterparts. (This is according to Columbia, a debt-processing center based in Maryland.) A study done by Iowa State University actually found that while women will buy MORE things, men spend more money per product (women will spend 25 bucks on a pair of shoes, men will spend 50). Men are 70% less likely to bargain hunt than women.
All of this leads me to believe that I CAN deny that women are the biggest spenders in relationships and that it's JUST gender dynamics that result in a higher payoff for women post divorce.
I think you would get too weary to do such gentlemanly things for her on a regular basis. So unless you're perfect and selfless, the charming favors and profuse affection simply cannot last forever.