Miss Penguin I find it interesting that the top two health topics for men on
WebMD recently were (1) Weight Loss Boosts Sex and (2) Frequent Masturbation. For women, the top two are: (1) Bad Marriages and (2) Why hair goes grey.
I think this very keenly shows the different expectations between what men are supposed to worry about and what women are supposed to worry about. 7 of the top 12 for men are about sex. For women, only one is (#6) and it's called "why skip sex" and it's about the most common reasons people give for avoiding sex with their partner.
It really bothers me that there's this common misconception that women don't or aren't supposed to enjoy sex, and that men need it all the time.
And the worst part is that it's totally okay for men to talk about sex, to sleep with many people, to need sex. But if a woman needs sex, or talks about sex, or sleeps with many people, she's a slut. And I feel like many women who sleep with lots of men do it for validation of their self-esteem and not because they actually really are enjoying the sex.
Not that I ever really read Cosmo or any of that other trashy shit, but it seems to me all the articles I've seen about sex are "99 new ways to please your man" or something focused on his needs, his wants, what you can do to spice things up for him. Why are we taught from a young age that we aren't supposed to enjoy sex? Sex is never for us. It's to keep our men pleased. And hell, we're often to blame for marriages going bad or for men cheating on their wives: we weren't pleasing HIS sexual desires. We wouldn't give him what HE needed. And women are taught very early on that they hate sex. In movies, in TV shows, in films, it's always the women avoiding the sex, and them men complaining to their friends how their wife won't sleep with them anymore.
I'm going to share something very personal now. Maybe it's an overshare, but it's okay because 99.99999% of you don't know who I am. I have never enjoyed sex. Or, well, I enjoyed the foreplay and I enjoyed being physically close to the guy that I loved. But it didn't feel good, not the way it could. And I'm starting to realize it was all in my head. I was afraid to enjoy it. I was afraid for it to feel good. I thought that wasn't how it was supposed to be. Women are just supposed to please the men, right? We weren't supposed to get any enjoyment out of it. I wouldn't want to be considered a slut. Well, that stops here. I'm ending the cycle. I want to enjoy sex and take pride in enjoying sex.
Comments (31)
I was like that in my first relationship that included sex. I didn't really get pleasure out of it because well frankly, he wasn't good. I didn't know what to expect, I just knew that to keep the relationship good and going, I would have to please and make HIM happy. In my second relationship, we developed an intimacy that I never thought I would have with someone. This time, it wasn't only about HIM. I made it about ME also because honestly, I love sex as much as the next person. Only when I'm in a commited relationship and know the person very well though. I can't think of having random sex with strangers and finding pleasure, because it takes a while for a guy to know what the girl likes and wants, and you can't do that with one night stands. One night stands are basically MADE for men, because they always get their pleasure while most of the time, the woman is left hanging.
But I agree with your post, I don't see why women can't express how much they love sex as well, it's not just men!
You never really hear about women leaving their guys because the sex is bad, but when it's the other way around, guys always leave for another woman!
Haha, I love sex, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Hear hear!
It's not over till I say it's over!
But sometimes it is about the girl - if you get the right guy. My ex refused to come until I did, and usually attempted to set new records for the number of times he could make me come in one session. So it's possible...just not encouraged by society.
I disagree. A lot of stuff is about women too.
I don't think its a misconception that women enjoy sex! I think it just says sex isn't our top health concern.
We should have a men version of Cosmopolitan.
I mean something with "99 ways to please your lady in bed", or anything like that. It looks like so many men in this world are brainless. (Not saying some of you are brainless, but in most general cases, meh.)
Sex is awesome, and more awesome when a man knows how to have good sex.
What do I mean by this? Simple.
Know what you're doing, don't rush it to the intercourse, and rush to your own orgasm.
Do little things she likes, and foreplay is more than awesome.
Anyways, I shouldn't write an essay about how man should have sex in bed, 'cause anyways, it's their own sex they're having. But for god's sake, please have some thought into the ladies sometimes.
I don't think we're taught that sex is all about men. Cosmo and all that stuff is made to attract women. How many guys do you see reading Cosmo for fun? I also don't think we're taught that we're not supposed to enjoy sex. We're taught to not have sex at an early age because of diseases, and just old fashioned-ness...Maybe some people, who still think that sex is only for procreation, still believe that sex shouldn't be enjoyed, but the rest of use know that our bodies are designed to enjoy sex.
Lol, I can't really add to anything 'cuz me = viiiirgin.
i do have to say that those cosmo articles pisses me off. it is always about us pleasing the guy. i don't get that and i never will.
4 Reasons why there isn't a huge media mass for pleasure towards women for sex:
1: Media (Obvious)
2: Other women. As much as sex is turning into an open topic, there are still women out there who will see sex as a topic to not be dicussed at all, still women being raised to not talk about it, and friends will always talk behind other peoples back and call other girls sluts (You women are just so personal and foul).
3: Men think that they're doing good in bed, and that because...
4: Fake Orgasms & Women not talking to their men, because they dont want to hurt the mans feelings. I don't exactly have a solution for that one.
I'm like you in that my first relationship involving sex was pitiful. I never felt what I was supposed to, but I still wanted to because it seemed like the only time he would spend with me, but it only came once every few weeks. Aside from that, he was too tired all the time and just wanted me to use my mouth, which about once a week or so, I would just give up and give in to.
Turns out he was just cheating on me over the internet and masturbating a little too much.
I only wanted sex because of the closeness back then, and even though he was able to get off and not me, I always wanted it more than he did.
Well, I don't really have much to say towards this. Women don't HAVE to think that way. :/
That was my biggest fear a couple years ago - that I would react that way when I get intimate with someone. But something changed this past year and now I'm not worried about that anymore.
Sometimes some of my intelligent, beautiful, successful, in a committed relationship female friends admit that they are hesitant to ask for more sex from their SOs in fear that they will appear to be sluts or promiscuous.
WTF????!!!!
If you love your SO, why would you not enjoy being intimate with them. Asking for more horizontal mambos is a good thing!!! And I'm sure their SOs would not mind at all!!!!!
That's good. I hope you do. The (few!) guys I've been with, including my now boyfriend of 1.5 years+ have always put my pleasure first, so I can't really relate to your predicament. Just trust that many guys who aren't douche bags are very concerned with their women's pleasure. Why do you think girls fake orgasms?! (I don't ! For the record) Because they want the guy to feel like he's made her feel good! Feminism has made changes; embrace them and your sexuality. It's fun!
@spanz@xanga -
lol. me tooooo.
but i enjoyed the post, tho :)
i am now well-informed.
I agree. I personally learned about sex as a teen from watching porn and from trashy magazines mentioned in the post, and media such as those do convey the twisted message that women are supposed to please the men and sex is never for us. I do feel this way most of the time with the guys I've been with. I focus more on their pleasures than on mine. Not because I'm selfless, but because I think this is what I'm supposed/expected to do.
This post really made me think. I'd always read those magazine titles, and seen those movies.. and I based a lot of views off them.
Now however, with my current partner, I've developed a more healthy view of sex. The media needs to get it right!
I get really pissed off about the whole GUYS ARE MANLY IF THEY SLEEP WITH 3498364985 WOMEN but WOMEN ARE SLUTS IF THEY SLEEP WITH TWO GUYS.
Seriously, what the hell society?
Hm. I'd have to say that I enjoy sex, and although it's kind of a new thing to me, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it, being a female--I was afraid I wouldn't, for the exact reasons you talked about here. I thought it was all about "pleasing your man", etc. etc. But it was the complete opposite--my boyfriend makes it seem like more of an intimate moment, he makes sure he pleases me first (he insists on it), and it always ends up just being a special thing between us. It's not just physical satisfaction, it's another method of showing our affections for one another.
And if any guy I knew slept around with women, I'd probably sit them down and bitch at them for it. It is by NO means acceptable by ANY standards I have. Heck if I dated any guy like that he'd get the boot in no time.
I never enjoyed sex until my current boyfriend,
but its amazing now.
I'm such an independent woman most of the time. But I really feel like when I first had sex, it wasn't that great. And I was like, gosh, I guess I'm just not going to enjoy this.
..the third time, it was AMAZING. and now I love it. honestly, though, it requires quite a bit of self-esteem to just get over worrying- am I good? do I look good? I can't believe I'm naked right now- and just enjoy it, and be present in the moment. after that though it's pretty much the best thing ever. :) I would let yourself enjoy it- most men love a women who knows what she likes in bed and isn't afraid to say it.
I don't understand what the original poster means when she (very clearly a she) says, "what men are supposed to worry about." Men have pretty much next to no worry about what they're "supposed to" worry about, and worry about whatever the frack they want to. The reason they're the top two is because what men search for on WebMD, not what they're "supposed to" search for. Men aren't generally conformed into roles by what they're taught the role they should take. They generally take whatever the role they want to take, despite any or lack of teaching on "supposed-to" roles.
hahha. that's awesome that you posted on this topic!
first of all i'd like to thank you for posting because I thought I was the black sheep of women, here. ever since I have moved into a bigger city, from a small rural reserve, i've had a thing about sex. I love sex. i'm not calling myself a sex-addict though.lol. but every guy i've been with seems to think that its so great that i like sex just as much as they do. i've actually been referred to as a guy in girl's clothing.... guys i've met have nvr called me a slut for liking sex, for having many guys. and i'm surprised that none of my girl friends have ever called me names for it. thing i'm worried about in getting into the next relationship, is that my boyfriend is going to assume that because I like sex there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me! my childhood was not messed up, and sex is not just something to do because i'm "bored" or "its my way of getting to know a person on an intimate level". I just LIKE sex! LOL.
I dont know if anyone else has had the same experience as me......
but in my previous relationship, i was with the guy for about a yr and half. it first started out as "friends with benefits" but after awhile, we started realizing we had feelings for each other....things went on from there. whenever we seen each other, we'd watch tv, cuddle. talk. have dinners together. not only did we share a lot of memories together at that intimate level. but we'd have sex a lot too. two or three times a night. then again in the morning.lol. yes, call me crazy. but since then, i've always wanted sex. used to having sex every week....
@myother_world@xanga -Â
girl you are not alone! i'm the same way! i love it!i've only slept with a couple of guys but they both were into pleasing me so i've never had a bad experience with sex. and even when i don't orgasm i still think it feels great. idk maybe i'm more sensitive down there? lol.Â