Saturday, 28 March 2009
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How Can I Be There For A Friend Who's Lost A Loved One?
My best guy friend's girlfriend just passed away. He told me that a friend of his and I are the only people who really understand what he's going through. The thing is, I don't know what he's going through. I've only met the girl a couple of times.
When he talks to me about her, I just break down crying and I feel like I'm not the strongest person to talk to for him. Also, I told him I couldn't handle going to the funeral because I won't be stable. I did say he could call me up after and I'd keep him company and try to make him feel better. I still feel guilty about not going to the funeral, though.What I want to know is what is okay and not okay to do when you are trying to be there for someone whose loved one just died. Can you make jokes? Ask questions about everything that happened? I know he needs me to be there to listen, but I still feel like that's not enough.
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- From: ItsLoveMakeItHurt0@xanga
- About Me: I have to many interesting thoughts and ideas to keep inside this tiny head of mine!
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Comments (20)
First and foremost, I am truly sorry for your friend's loss.
However, you should just be there for him and that would include going to the funeral. It shows him that you really do have feelings for him (not as a lover, but as a friend, as my friend offered me when my dad died).
Talk to him and allow him to mourn a lot and have him let it all out. Try to avoid hot-spots (anything that might remind him about it). Talk to him whenever he calls, even if you got nothing to say. The important thing is that you will listen. Guy or Girl, somebody close to us dies, we're hurting. What's important really, is that you are there, even if you'll be doing nothing or knowing nothing about how he feels.
Don't try to seem like you are trying to swoop in on him on the rebound (even if you are not, don't make it SEEM like you are). Don't crack jokes about the death itself, but at least try to crack a weak joke after a couple days have passed. Don't try to tell him to suck it up and move on quickly (do this after it's been 3-4 months). Most importantly, don't tell him you know how he feels. Even if we all lose a loved one, the pains are all different.
Just be there. Be there to cry, to listen, to talk, to go for a walk (even in silence), to provide a shoulder at the funeral, to make dinner, to listen to music, to give a hug, to do whatever.
There's nothing more important than just being there with your friend when he needs you most. I doubt you'll say anything that will be the most "unacceptable" thing to say or do anything wildly inappropriate that will make you regret your attending the funeral and hanging out with him during this time. (Though I'd highly recommend using your best judgment.)
I do believe that you would come to regret staying away and further isolating someone who feels so alone already.I've had to deal with many deaths..
No one ever knows how to handle it for me.
But (sorry for your loss)
and
just be there.
that's unusual, a girlfriend instead of say a grandmother or something. But maybe you've experienced a death before and he's just relating to that, which you really need someone to relate to. so just listen and let him say what he needs to say
Since I have experienced what your friend is experiencing right now, and had a great friend help me through it, I can say that, really, compassionately being with him (not in a relationship sense) is what really amounts to everything.
For me, what helped the most wasn't advice given to me, about how I had to move on, stop living in the past, get over it and remember her fondly, etc, but the fact that whenever I needed to vent emotion, be reminded that there was still emotional warmth in the world, or simply not be alone, my friend was there. Whether it was me calling her in the middle of night because I was up all night thinking, or her and I going out to the movies, simply having someone there who cared and who saw my pain, and not only saw my pain but cared, was what helped.
So my advice now from the recovered side of this to you would be, be there, be compassionate and sympathetic, and be an attentive listener. This does not mean that you have to give profound truths of life and death to him, because he will have to find those on his own. Fundamentally, you cannot discover his path to recovery for him, he must find it on his own: but you can be the support for it, you can be what sustains him on this path.
For specifics, sometimes comic relief is a good thing. Especially if a situation is becoming far too depressing far too quickly. I would, though, avoid making death, her, or suicide (god forbid) a subject of any jokes. I find that in situations as grim as these, old jokes between you two, inside jokes, or running jokes work the best, to make him smile even a bit and alleviate some of the depression, even if its temporary - it can help tremendously.
Sometimes, asking someone to explain the situation helps them sort it out within their own head and removes a bit of emotional confusion concerning the situation. In this case, asking him to explain things might be good, because you could gain some genuine understanding of his pain through hearing it, and perhaps use that knowledge to help him.
I hope that it will turn out like my situation did, in that my friend and I now have the closest friendship I've ever witnessed or had because of a situation like this, and I have since made peace with the past. I give you my best wishes for this, and give him my deepest sympathy and understanding.
I think just being there for him and listening to him would be enough. He probably has a lot of stuff going through his mind, so just giving him a shoulder to lean on might be all he needs from you right now. I'm sorry to hear about your friend's lost.
This past year was one of the worse for me. Three people passed on, either a loved one or my friend's loved ones, all within a couple of weeks.
I can honestly say, having been on both sides - just be there.
I know it can awkward, and even painful for you, to be there at the funeral, but you'll regret not being there later. Just be there, even in the background, to help him out.
I did it for my friend and it was so painful for me - but then when I think about it later, "how painful was it for her?"
I'm sorry for the loss.
@DreamingOfTheSea@xanga - Thank you. I've been on both sides, but it was still nice to have it reaffirmed that I did help out my friend a bit, even if it was only a bit.
Sorry to hear about your friend's loss. Just be there for him when he needs you. That is the best thing you can do for him. I think he just need a distraction where he is not thinking about her because the more he thinks about her, the more hurt he feels.
When my sister passed away, many folks disappeared because they were not comfortable with the subject. Somehow get in touch with him on reg basis. Talking about the person he lost and mentioning things that you remember about her that were beautiful. It's always good to know that your loved one was special to others as well.
Death is always hard to deal with but as everyone ahs already said--jut being there is key. And it may very well be the only thing you can do.
my roommate's boyfriend of 4 years died when we were living together. i was the one to get the call.
he lived in europe and we were studying in the states so she couldn't really do anything immediately, like go to his house or whatever... she did end up buying a plane ticket and taking a flight home the next morning to make it to the funeral.. there's really not that much that you CAN do... i mean, just kinda be whatever he needs you to be. people grieve differently. some like to have others around and like to be distracted and like to laugh, others don't.when the call came, i let her cry for a while and then i made her get up and took her out for a walk and bought her ice-cream and talked about other things and then i helped her find a plane ticket for under 2500 dollars in the next 24 hrs.. our friends came by and we all just kinda acted like everything was almost normal. this was a specific situation, though, because she couldn't just get there right away, so we wanted her to keep it together as much as possible because she had a long trip ahead of her (it takes her more than a day to get back home from where we live, 3 different flights and a car ride). i kept it together while she was there, and i finally broke down after she left. i just felt that she needed me to be strong because she had nobody else here, i was the closest thing she had to a family so i HAD to be that way. she is an unbelievable woman, though. she came back, made up for the midterms she missed the week she was home, and could talk about him and about the good times they had without crying or anything. i couldn't believe how well she handled it all. but i'm not gonna lie, it's hard to be there for someone in that situation, because of course, it hurts you too, and you always feel useless because you think nothing you say or do can ever make a difference. it's been 3 years since he died, and she tells me now that i really made a difference. so, even if it's tough on you, remember that this is what friends are for. the bad times. just to compare... my best childhood friend's father died whlie i was home on winter break a couple of years ago. me and him grew up together but since i was living abroad and we didnt see each other that much, i thought there were other people that he'd prefer to have by his side at that time. i went to the funeral but that was it, and then had to go back to the states 3 days later, and i was kinda glad cos it was too painful anyway.i moved back home last year and we became very close again and then he told me that we would never really be the same kind of friends again because, even tho he loves me, he could never forgive me for not being there for him.i read the situation wrong, and i made a mistake. point being, it's really important to be there... any way that you can.deff just being there. you may not think it's enough, but to him it will be.
Just being there to support him should be enough, even if you may not know what else to do.
u don't need to do anything, except talk to him, listen to him, & be with him. he already said he only trusts u. it's a totally different thing when he never even says he thinks ur the only friend he can turn to. then u don't even know what he wants/likes.
wow that must be rough for him, sorry about his lost, all i can say is just be there for him. listen to him, and hug him here and there because he is going to need those. i know its not going to bring his girlfriend back but people just need a hug. also take him out to a movie or even for walks or a breakfast/lunch/dinner to try and keep his mind off of things. no its not going to get rid of the thoughts of course but at least your keeping him busy. just be that friend. the person that he can look bck and say when my girlfriend passed away she was there for me thru thick and thin. people need friends like that.
I would just try to be there for him. Go out to lunch, go see a movie - get him out and about and bring up regular conversations (invite him to group things even if he says no because he will appreciate the invite), then ask him how he is doing. If he opens up and expresses what he is feeling and thinking great, if not he does not want to talk about it. Just be a friend and do not press to hard or think he should be expressing grief in a specific way and within a specific time.
I agree with everyone else who's saying "just being there and lending an ear" is enough. If the other individual wants to open up about his grieving process down the road, he'll know you'll be there for him.
definitely emphatize rather than symphatize. dont give false reassurance or something that may not be true.just encourage and be like " is there anything I can do for u?" or say " I hope you find courage inside to go through all of this." Let them know youre their when they need you
The loss of a loved one is hard on anyone. I watched my best friend cope with the loss of her father this last summer and, I dropped everything to simply be by her side for a week. The most important thing is to simply be there for the one who has lost a loved one. In what way, you will figure out in time. For me when i was by my best friend's side, I would talk her to sleep talking about just different stories, we would read books, read our Bibles, etc
And just this last week, she insisted on coming with me to the visitation of a guy I've worked with for the last three years. He passed away at work and, while I didn't know him very well, my friend was still there for me when I wasn't sure what to think.
So, like everyone else has been saying, the question is not how can you be there for them, the question is have you been there for them in whatever way you can.
be there for him. even you he doesn't ask for you.