Miss ReindeerLong ago, as a freshman in high school, I introduced my new friend "Vicky" to my friend from grammar school, "Patrick". I thought they would hit it off and make a cute couple. It became pretty clear that he just wanted to be friends with Vicky, which I think had to do with her appearance. She's a beautiful girl, but she's quite heavy. He's no pixie either, but that's not the point. High school progressed and horny teenage boys will take it where they can get it whether they are attracted to the girl or not.
Patrick continued to have an on and off sexual relationship with Vicky, causing her heartbreak each time he met another girl that could occupy his time. Every time he broke it off with her, I would have to listen to her telling me all the lovely things he would say to her and how it couldn't be over. It would make me cringe because it was so blatantly obvious he was using her, but I thought telling her this wo uld really hurt her feelings.
I figured that with everyone going away to college pretty soon the whole mess would be over with and she could move on.
Today, it's been eight years since they met - we are now 23 and out of college. He's
still jerking her around and she still allows it. She's totally convinced that they are meant to be together and that she is in love with him. She very well may be in love with him; I wouldn't be able to know exactly how she feels. I do know, however, that Patrick is not the right person for her because it's clear that he has little respect for her based on how he's treated her since he's met her.
What is the best thing to tell Vicky in this situation? She continues to call me for advice and I'm running low on patience for all of this. I want to tell her as gently as I can this is a toxic relationship and she needs to move on, but is it possible to do this without hurting her feelings? I'm afraid that she'll get upset with me and discount my opinion because it's not what she wants to hear.
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Comments (32)
You cant tell her nothing she is going to continue on doin the same thing anyways. its pointless to even try and give her advice...its been 8years and she is still putting up with his b.s, Im kind of suprised you havent ranout of any advice already. good for you, your way better then i am because i dont have patients for people like that. someone who keeps getting hurt but keeps going back nevermind once or twice but she has been going back for 8years. Its sad on her part that she is wasting her life time on this fool and on top of that she has so much low selfesteem that she is afraid to let him go because she might not find no one else. I say have a sit down with her and tell her that u tried all u can to help her and give her as much advice as possible but you have finally ranout and u cant sit and do this anymore. At least your being nice about it and not hurting her feelings but honestly if she can take getting mistreated by this man for 8years then im sure she can handle u going to her and telling her your tired of her annoying shit about her man that she will never have or get.
be sensitive, but firm. tell her that she needs to know he is just playing with her heart. she needs to know that she is worth someone who cares for her, about her, and enough that he won't just say the nice things, he'll be faithful.
Sad to say, you really can't make someone do something. Keep up the advice, but only she can finally say, I want out. I agree it's very toxic for her to be with a guy like that. Good luck.
So he's been doing this for 8 years and you still haven't told her that he's using her? I understand that you're trying to be a friend... but in order to be a real friend you have to be honest, even if it hurts. You could have saved her so much pain if you told her this 7 years ago. I know why you didn't, but can you really live with this going on for another 8 years? What happens when they've been doing this for 16 years, and he's married with kids, and she's still alone because he uses her every once in a while, and she still really believes they will be together someday? You have to decide which is more important to you... her happiness, or your friendship with her. If it's the latter, you're not a very good friend to begin with.Â
If I were you I'd be pretty irritated. I know that sounds mean, but think about it - you've been talking to her and advising her for YEARS but does she listen? If she doesn't (and it's obvious that she doesn't), I'd be irritated especially since it's been happening over and over again. I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel sorry for her too, but more irritated than anything else. As a Christian, I think she needs to be set free. (But don't bombard me with hate mail just because I said that.)
What is the best thing to tell Vicky in this situation? She continues
to call me for advice and I'm running low on patience for all of this.
I want to tell her as gently as I can this is a toxic relationship and
she needs to move on, but is it possible to do this without hurting her
feelings? I'm afraid that she'll get upset with me and discount my
opinion because it's not what she wants to hear.
It's all gotta happen. Take it from me, you want to fuck up your friendship with Vicky? Keep pressing these matters on. She's got her head in the clouds and she's not going to come down from this high of hers. You said she's heavy set. As a fellow fatty speaking, she may have low self-esteem as a result of it and she may see Patrick as her one and only guy that will look at her. Hence, this obsession with staying around through thick and thin. Try building up her confidence and self-esteem so she can start to feel comfortable talking to other guys.
You can't talk to her about this at all, but you can damn well try to subvert it if possible.
If she is going to you to complain and get advice, tell it to her face that this is a toxic relationship. She's the one that's coming to you for advice, so if she doesn't want to hear what you say, she can stop coming to you. If she doesn't listen, she will stop asking you for advice because she doesn't want to hear it. If she does listen, she will get out of the vicious cycle. Win-win.
You can't keep sugarcoating the answers.
Tell her straightly, but be senstive.
:/
just tell her already
you shouldn't have waited 8 years to tell her...
you should have told her what was on your mind in the very beginning, not that that would guarantee saving her these 8 years of constant heartbreak, but at least you wouldn't be in this position now.
tell her asap, even if she doesn't listen, you can't say you didn't try to help. the rest is up to her.
You just have to tell her the truth. It's going to hurt no matter how she hears it, so you want to make sure that she REALLY gets it. Otherwise, she'll just go back to him again. It will take time to get over, so be there for her when she needs you.
Point blank: Tell her the truth, don't cushion it. Then be the shoulder to cry on when the tears come pouring out.
I think 8 years is a little too long...holy crap. After 8 years I think I'd get it...
she's fucking blind. holy shit.
tell her
blunt and honestly
get the fuck going.
i think you have amazing patience for your friend, and that is really good. but by not being blunt, you're kind of encouraging her to continue with her pursue with this guy. when she tells you things that he says that are sweet, tell her it's fake. put her in your perspective. would she want to see you in that position? what if you were getting hurt, she knew it, you were blind to it, but she didn't do anything? let her know that this is how you feel . but good for you for being there for her after 8 years. she's lucky to have someone like you to fall back on.
I think you need to sit her down, and just have a heart-to-heart talk. Make her evaluate her own life and ask her if this is what she really wants from life? If he is the kind of guy she would want to spend forever with? If she sees that he's using her, and still refuses to let go of her nototion that they're meant to be together, then at least you could say you tried.
But, try to be supportive; some people are like drugs, you can get used to/addicted to them, and its hard to break free from them. It'll take time, but it's certianly not impossible.
I'm sure you already know what to do. Even if she does get angry, it's not like you didn't try to warn her. Better late than never. Besides, if she won't accept this wake-up call, then it's partially her own fault for letting this happen to her and not listening to a concerned friend's opinion. Good luck!
@DarkButtercup94@xanga - you got it.
She's been in this situation for eight years, going through the pain over and over again; I don't think that you telling her it's a toxic relationship will actually have much of an effect on her. After all, most people don't let someone walk all over them for eight years like that while still somehow thinking that the other person loves them.
You can just tell her your opinion. She keeps coming to you for advice, give it to her. Be calm, be patient, be nice; but be blunt, and straight to the point. Tell her how it really is through a third person perspective, yours, and either she'll listen and think it over or she won't.
Sadly, you can't make her do anything, no matter how dumb she's currently being.
This is precisely happening to me and i am still trying to get over him. My friends told me that i had to move on, but as i love him so much, i stayed, and now i realize i shouldn't be letting him control me or use me only for sex anymore.
She's developed a dependency on her partner. Probably to the extent that she's making excuses for his inadequacy, is delusional about the way he treats her and because she possibly has low self esteem - does not have a high sense of self worth [and therefore does not expect much from her relationships].
You obviously see the situation differently, because you're not so blindly besotted. As her friend, and as the person who hooked them up in the first place, you're obliged to tell her the truth as you see it and you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that Patrick is trash and he needs to go. No ifs, or buts. None of that "What if we remain friends?" bullshit.
Scary.
I'm 23 years old. About 6 years ago I met and fell for a Patrick type in high school and only VERY recently got completely over him.
All of my best friends told me numerous times that I needed to let him go. That he was using me. They tried to help....God knows they did. But I am a stubborn person...I hung on WAY longer than I should have. Why? Because love is so completely blind. No matter how much someone you love hurts you (friend or significant other), you'll let it continue in hopes that maybe one day you'll change them.
No matter how many ways or how many times my friends told me, I held on to my Patrick for years. My blinders finally came off and I realized what a jerk he was. I realized that he used me. I saw everything for what it truly was. And I let him go. I learned alot from him. We're still close friends, but it will never be anything more than that ever again.
You can tell your friend that she's in a toxic relationship. And hopefully she'll listen. But truth be told, she'll continue on this path until she meets someone else that will make Patrick obsolete to her or until one of them moves FAR away from the other so that there is time to meet someone else! :)
(This story seriously was crazy...I thought someone was writing about me for a minute)
You should be honest with her. A lot of times, we can save people from things that are harmful to them, but we spare their feelings, and they end up being in more trouble. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want her to tell you the truth if you were in a relationship like she's in right now. Even though it's been 8 years *which was too long for her to be in a damaging relationship*, that's not the point. You need to snatch her out. She may feel like she can't find anyone else because she's heavy. He's thinking the same thing; that's why he's using her like he is. It's sad that there are guys out there like that, who prey on vunerable women like that.
It makes me angry just thinking about that.
No one deserves that. So, swallow your fears and tell her. She may fuss and fight, but the thing is that you have to be her friend and take it. Explain to her that you love her and you're not trying to ruin her life, you're trying to help her. I promise you, she'll thank you for it. It may not be now, but she will thank you. What will happen if they get married? He may even start abusing her! So, I would suggest tell her now.
"Today, it's been eight years since they met - we are now 23 and out of college. He's still jerking her around and she still allows it. She's totally convinced that they are meant to be together and that she is in love with him."
Dude I cant believe you'd let this happen for so long!!! 8 yrs is a long time? You need to stop thinking about how to break it to her as gentle as possible bc she really needs to wake up. Throw a bucket of cold water at her, It will hurt but if u keep letting her do this then its gonna hurt even more over the long run. Worst yet she might find terrible things that shes never thought of before. Maybe the best thing she should do is move away for a while so that she can start over again. Thats what I would do if I were in her shoes.
If she's asking you for advice, I think it's a good thing to tell her how you really feel. You're her friend and you care about her; if she's asking, you have somewhat of an obligation to tell her what's up.
As for how to go about telling her, I'm not sure on that one. Try to do it in as nice of a way as possible, but at the same time, make sure that you do tell her the whole story—don't leave parts out to spare her feelings. Patrick has already ensured that her feelings will be hurt, so unfortunately, there's no way around hurt feelings.
Eights year is a long time to be sugar coatings the truth to spare someone's feelings. If it were me, I would bluntly tell her the truth from day one if she asks. It may hurt her but what will hurt her more is having her believe that Patrick and her are destined to be together.. forever, when reality is, she's just a rag doll for him to toss around. If you told her the truth and she refused to listen, well, you did your part. The rest is up to her and if she gets hurt in the long run, it's her fault.