You might want to re-evaluate exactly WHY you want to get married. Is it just because you want to be a 'wife'? Do you doubt that he will stay by you? Would a piece of paper really make you feel any more secure in his devotion to you than him simply living and raising your daughter with you?

I understand the cultural impulse to get married, and the need to want to legally bind someone to you, but before you force him into an ultimatum, you should really think about why exactly you're doing that. And if your mutual love is less important than having a ring.

I don't think it's a commitment issues, since he's definitely committed to you and the children.  Title-phobia!  That's probably not a real phobia; at least, it's not the proper name, if such a phobia exists.  If the relationship doesn't work out, goodness forbid, and your children are reared from your or your boyfriend, it would still be as traumatic as having a parent torn away.  In this case, I don't think having a cruddy marriage has anything to do with his not being there for your kids.  If he wants to be there, he will be (unless there are legal restrictions...).

He might just not believe in marriage, in general, but I don't have an explanation for that.  I don't know why some people don't want to get married, and why some people do.

If you are looking for a marriage, talk to him about it and ask why he wouldn't just give it a try.  For all he knows, the world could actually be a happy place if you both put in your share of work for the family.  The only thing that could deprive his children of their biological father's time is him.  Maybe he doesn't realize that.  Maybe you can tell him so.  At the same time, think about the things on which you're willing to compromise.  It'll make the discussion easier, I'd think.  However, if he's too stiff for you, then it might be an option to separate.  Conflicting interests such as these could get in the way of a healthy relationship between the two of you, and could involve your children as well.

Good luck!

p.s. sorry for my lengthy comment...

Firstly, i want to ask...how can girls agree on having babies from guys who dont intend to marry them? i can never understand, " the live in the same house together but not marry philosophy"....if he can a have a baby (family) with you then ofcourse he can marry you. He is just being clever here, or maybe he is not ready to commit himself to you which might mean he will leave you alone with you baby sooner or later! Tell him if he doesnt believe in marriage, you do and so he should respect your likes and dislikes and not overshadow ur dreams with his fears and past. He cant punish you for something you have nothing to do with. Living together, having babies together is like getting married- he likes the pleasurable things aobut marriage but not the being responsible part...he is not ready for commitment? such men really make me angry

i used to have this same fear because of my parents, but i've found someone i truly love so i feel willing to take a chance... not that we're going to get married soon, but if he proposed i wouldn't say no. maybe there is something wrong in your relationship... especially if you have already talked about marriage before and he's now turning you down

Even if you don't have a ceremony, you will be married common-law eventually.  Maybe he just doesn't want to make a big deal about it and a legal marriage would be better for him than a huge wedding. 
Why do you want to get married?  Would it be better if you just had a ring and called him your husband?

@eternal_relevance@xanga - I don't think so.
For me, marriage is something I would only do if the girl would really really want it. I don't see the sense in it, other than monetary advantages when it comes to taxes.

You don't need a legal document and a rock to let people know you love eachother. Just because society tells you that you do doesn't mean that you have to. Getting married can really screw up a relationship, especially if things go horribly wrong not long afterwards. If you love him than it really shouldn't matter. I can't stress that enough.

If you give him an ultimatum, are you prepare to leave if he refuse to give you a ring and sign the papers to make you two "legal" as man and wife?  Or is that just a threat to make him consider marrying you?  Neither way, giving him an ultimatum is like forcing him to marry you if you really look at it.  If he chose to marry you, he's forced to because he don't want to lose you and the child - not because he's ready and he wants to out of his own will.  If he chose not to, you lose him and he lose both of you.  Really, an ultimatum is a lose-lose deal in this situation.  I wouldn't consider it because really, you benefit nothing from it.

If getting a rock on your finger and signing papers to make you two "legal" as a couple is really that important to you, maybe you should share your feelings to him and compromise.  But like most have emphasis, you also don't need a rock on your finger and papers to sign to make you two "committed" together as a couple.

Actions, actions.. speaks so much more what than what you wear on your finger and what you sign.

never been in that situation, but i can see from his part since his parents divorced, he doesn't want to put your child of what he's been thru. don't force it on him. you've only been together for 5 years, give him time and plus most guys fear marriage

is having the title really that important to you? you seem to be committed in every other way except on paper, which honestly, is a little trivial.

I would not do the ultimatum thing, that just makes me sick when women do that.  Seriously, scaring your man into doing something?  Wouldn't you rather him decide on his own so you know that it is what he really wants.  I think he sounds pretty committed as it is.  I would just keep going and not worry about the whole marriage thing.  If it really is that important to you, maybe you should find someone who wants the same thing.   But I hope you stay with your man because he sounds like a great boyfriend and father :)

i keep seeing these comments saying "the title isn't important" and think that wow. these people obviously don't understand because they're not in the situation where they'd like to be married.
i used to think that too. but now i'm madly in love with the man i've been with for the last 2 1/2 years and plan on marrying him in four.

the best thing you can tell him is that you're  not his mother and he's not his father. you guys are completely different from his parents, so you would have a different future than his parents. just because his parents' marriage didn't work out doesn't mean that his marriage won't work out.

and just because you're not married, it won't stop all of the same things from happening. a divorce is just like a breakup, the only difference is that there are legal things involved in annulling your divorce. you two would still have to go to court to determine the custody of your child, and who pays child support. and you could still stop him from seeing your child.

marriage is more than a title. it's a committment and a promise. it's a promise taken in front of people you care about, to show how much you love each other. not that it needs to be proved. it's just a sweet thing to do.