Wednesday, 25 March 2009
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Where Does A Relationship End And A Friendship Begin?
My best friend for the past two years has been a girl I was in love with. We dated for ten months before I broke up with her because I couldn't see a future with her. Despite that, we remained the best of friends. Though I told her friend I was over her, deep down I still felt a connection and hoped that someday we could get back together when our goals aligned more. The closeness we shared, the jokes, I cherished them all. Then, one day she told me she was dating another guy, "Toby". I was devastated and determined to distance myself from her, not only to protect myself, but also to respect this other guy. They dated for two months and then broke up.
Recently, this girl and I started getting involved again. I felt a flutter of excitement when I woke up and couldn't wait to see her. I felt so rejuvenated and hopeful that things would work out this time. We started discussing a future and contemplated getting back together again. However, after one make-out session, we were talking and I discovered that she seemed to have much less conservative viewpoints regarding the bedroom. Trepidation crept over me, my stomach twisted, as I asked her if she'd had sex with Toby. After all, she and I had waited, and she even gave me the impression she might wait until marriage. She confessed they had slept together, but explained that she cared about him and that she was unable to pleasure him in bed just by doing the things she would do to me. She added that she wouldn't have done it with him had she known we had a shot at getting back together, but at the time it seemed like we had no future.
My head was reeling when she told me this. We dated so much longer, yet she gave it to him?! She begged me to realize that the things she and I shared - our little inside jokes, our tickle matches in bed - meant far more to her and felt more intimate than sex with Toby did. She added that what mattered was that she loved me now and that she loved me more than she's ever loved anyone.
I was filled with anger. I told her not only was our future together wrecked, but I also could no longer be friends with her. She was devastated and said that while she might understand if it I broke up with her (though to her, that also seemed far too rash), she didn't understand how this merited ending our friendship as well; adding that it was foolish to let one incident ruin two years of solid friendship. She stated she had been nothing short of a good friend the past two years, going out of her way at times, and that sex is something to end a relationship over, not a friendship.
I really need guidance right now. Was I wrong to end our relationship? Our friendship? When is it acceptable to let one incident end a friendship? Where do you draw the line between a friendship and a relationship?
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- From: anonymish
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Comments (269)
You should at least give yourself time to get past the anger you have from this situation. However, you shouldn't throw away your friendship. Just because she did one thing wrong (in your eyes), you shouldn't throw away a good friendship. True, this may have ruined any chances of a serious relationship, but it shouldn't stop a friendship...
I don't think it's fair at all to base your relationship on her other relationships. She shouldn't have had to explain herself, in my opinion, and she dang sure shouldn't lose a friend over a decision that was hers, and one that she was allowed to make.
You're right to be hurt. Sex is something that really rocks and is really special despite what how cheap/common the media or society makes it out to be. How the hell can a tickle-fight or something like that really compare to sex? It does sound shallow, but the thought that she trusted somebody else to see her naked in a shorter amount of time and have authentic sex with her is really infuriating.
However, you were wrong in the fact that you ended the relationship AND the friendship with her. I have long learned that I'm not going to be anybody's first and I have dealt with that. You feel cheated and betrayed by somebody you weren't really dating, so you were kinda off limits when you think about it. I've had female friends who I've been friends with for over 6-10 years that I've never seen naked, but it's okay with me because I was not the S.O.
An incident that ends a friendship is one of pure betrayal. If she did cheat on you while you two were still dating, then yes, it would've been perfectly acceptable. In the realms of friendship, it would be something that one or the other did as a complete violation of trust.
Again. Sex. When somebody trusts you on those levels, then you get to truly meet a person. Friends will hide things that they don't want the other to know (no problem really, just sensitive stuff), but a lover will tell you things a friend will not.
You're pretty selfish, man. You need to be open to the way that other people live their lives, because it's very likely that few people will be like you.
It seems like you guys aren't really compatible as a couple anymore, but your friendship should not be affected. That's just rude. You shouldn't judge anything based on a past relationship, and she was very brave telling you the truth about her and Toby. Also, you were the one that ended the relationship in the first place, so her telling you that she thought you wouldn't get back together is justified. If you really wanted to be with her, then you would have said something BEFORE she had the chance to be with someone else. I think you should talk to her, and apologize, and see if you guys can still be friends.Just because she had sex with him doesn't mean that she really wanted to. Maybe he pressured her more than you did (in which case, go you, for respecting her enough to not push her into it).
But, really, her past is just that. It's HERS, unless she used to be a serial murderer or rapist, you shouldn't even care about it.
When she was dating him, I doubt she had you in mind and that you guys were going to get back together. It's not fair for you to judge what she did in the past with someone else, god forbid should she be happy with anyone but you. What if you were in her place and had dated another girl and had sex? And then realize that it's with this girl that you want to be with? Wouldn't you want HER to give you a chance, not necessarily as a couple but to still stay friends? I don't see how her living her life and having sex with someone ELSE, ruins YOUR friendship with her. That's so childish
Pretty childish, buddy. Even if she did sleep with this guy, to put it harshly, it has nothing to do with you. At all. Judging her based on her past is ridiculous, and (sorry) ... if this is the way you behave in a relationship, it sounds like she could do better.
her decision to have sex with the other guy had absolutely nothing to do with you. why does this have to ruin your relationship? first of all, if you two hadn't dated in the past then would it be such a big deal that she had sex with her ex? second of all, 2 years makes a huge difference on how people feel about sex, so while you two were together for 10 months 2 years ago and she wasn't ready, 2 years later she felt she was ready in 2 months--its not about you.
why does this end your friendship? your friend slept with her ex. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU! there is no reason to end your 2+ year friendship.
proof that girls are stupid.
also, i don't know how old you are --- things like this are trivial when you're older.
you can't be in charge of someone when they aren't yours.
But if you feel REALLY strongly about this sleeping together thing to the point it changes your feelings about her then I guess you were right in breaking up with her.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - I feel that I should also include this as well: Don't be mad at the answer; you asked the question.
I think the main reason you broke up with her is because it hurts your ego. She was not with you when she slept with him. That means whatever she does with him is entirely her business. So what if he got there before you, you're with her now and from what I understand your relationship with her is much more meaningful than a 2-month fling. You can't treat her as if she has cheated on you when she at the time had no obligations to you. Get over it. You're not a child anymore. This isn't high school. If you're gonna let something so ridiculous get in the way of something beautiful, then you don't deserve her to begin with.
Message me if you want to discuss this further. I was in the exact situation as you not so long ago.
You're acting childish. Dont forget, you dumped her the first time. Why would ever expect her to wait for you after you broke it off with her? The past is the past and the older you get, the more 'past" people are going have.
so let me get this straight. you dumped her, were friends for 2 years, she got a new bf, and you are Mad at her for sleeping with her BF??? you're an ass. a jealous one.
you have no right to end a relationship based on her prior relationship, let alone end your friendship over it. she did nothing wrong here. you don't even have a right to be angry about it. it's not like she cheated on you. he was her BF at the time!
if you were in love with her all this time, why did you break up with her?? your loss, buddy.
dude get over it. You are putting too much emphasis on sex. You have her and she loves you and that is what matters.
First thought that came to my mind:
"You're a selfish jerk!"
YOU broke up with her because you couldn't see a future with her. She dated a guy and slept with him. So what? First of all, I don't even think you have any right to be angry with her. What she does with her boyfriend at the time was her business. If you were dating her and she cheated on you, yeah, I can understand if you were angry and broke off the friendship with her. But this? It's kind of ridiculous if you ask me. You can't expect her or anyone to stay "sexually faithful" to you when you're no longer with her and she herself saw that there may be no future between the two of you.
Get your head out of your ass, dude. You are wrong and it was your loss. It seem like you don't even deserve her friendship at all, anyways. You're pretty pathetic.
So what that she "gave it" to him instead of you. You were "friends" when she did that. She doesn't have to answer to you (a frieeeend) about what she does. Seems obvious to me that you don't want her to be just a friend anymore, and you're wayyyy jealous. Maybe you shouldn't have broken it off with her in the first place.
Life is all about timing my friend and sometimes you just have to take advice from your dog, such as living in the moment, that is what she did. Wait a while to let yourself get over the anger and see if you dont have a different way of looking at things! M
I think you were wrong in ending the friendship and relationship. What you should have done was focus on the present, not what she did in the past. After all, she does have a right to date whoever she wants. She's not your property - she's her own person and she has the right to do what she wants to do.
I have to agree with what others previously said as well - that was pretty selfish of you.
i think you're being way too harsh. how far she went with the other guy was NO concern of yours at the time it happened since you guys were not in a relationship. you guys not having sex was something you guys decided when you were in the relationship together. i don't think you should drop being friends just for that unless you just can't handle it. then, there's nothing else you can do about it.
I'm not going to say whether it was right or wrong for you to end the relationship- that is only for you to decide. Perhaps you need time away to see what truly matters but you don't want to be in a relationship where you are going to constantly feel angry and upset because of her past.
As far as the friendship however, its not that simple. Because you guys have been involved (again) and now with all this drama, you cannot simple go back to being friends. You have to be over her, seriously, before you guys can actually be friends. If not, you will never move on, you will always feel jealous and angry with no right to be since you will not be dating.
Don't tell her you will *never* be friends, that's a bit extreme, but for not, tell her you need to get your head straight and give yourself time apart to get over her in order for a friendship to work this time...that means not becoming "friends" only in hopes to really start dating again.
@jeezshoua@xanga - have to agree.
what happened between her and that other guy is her past, her business, not yours. she was honest because she didn't want to hide anything from you. don't make honesty a mistake.
also, you two couldn't be honest about your feelings about each other when you broke up, so maybe you shouldn't be together again in the first place.You originally dumped her because you couldn't see a future. what was she supposed to do? wait around until you decided you wanted as more than a friend again? get real.
you may not want to date her because of it, and that's whatever (if you are a virgin too. if you aren't, you are being seriously hypocritical). but to end a friendship because she slept with her bf at the time? ridiculous.
after this though, i don't know if she needs or wants a 'friend' like you.
It was your mistake to decide to end the friendship. Ending the relationship is understandable, but why end a friendship over something so trivial? You should have controlled your anger. Instead of getting upset, you should have discussed the conflict you are having with her like an adult. She was right not to sleep with you because it doesn't seem like you are ready for an adult relationship since you can converse like one. If she is willing to give you some time to hear you out, you should really consider apologizing to her for your childish behavior and that you should have been more mature and civilized about it. If she accepts your apology then you are good. If not, then I suggest to just move on and find new friends and find a new girlfriend. You can take this as a learning experience for the next time.
This sounds exactly like the guys side to the girls post from a few days ago.
But yeah, it's not like she cheated on you. You had broken up with her.
If you don't want to be intimate with someone who has been intimate with someone else, that is a personal desicion, and noone would have any right to judge it.
But I don't think you should be angry with her. And I think if you end your friendship, it shouldn't be in anger, but just as a way for the two of you to move on.