Tuesday, 24 March 2009
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The Sexual Chemistry Debate
A post last week asked if you'd stay in a relationship where you knew you and your SO would not have sex. Results were mixed but brought up an interesting debate on sexual chemistry and compatibility.
BrewsterGK wrote...
There is such a thing as sexual incompatibility, whether through sex drive or just physical differences. Example. Some women don't like big penises, and when they had a relationship with someone that did, they didn't enjoy sex. It was painful. Are you willing to resign the rest of your life to painful sex if that ended up being your situation? Would your partner be able to live his life knowing that he couldn't sexually please the love of his life? Seems pretty risky to me.
EnneS wrote...
My husband and I both waited until we were married to have sex (of any kind, no technicalities for us). At first, my husband was doing it mainly for me (he hadn't been raised in a family or belief system that thought it was important to wait). However, it soon became both our desires and his beliefs changed. Our relationship is amazing, and we are both so happy!
Oh and trust me; we could tell whether or not we had chemistry just by hugging, kissing, making out, etc. We didn't need to take our clothes off to figure that out.
Have you ever experienced complete sexual incompability with someone you liked? How important is sexual chemistry?
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Comments (31)
I think sexual chemistry is extremely important. At least to me. It's an amazing way to connect to the person you love and you can definitely tell if there is chemistry between you two or if there isn't once you experience the act. I believe that before you marry someone, you should know everything about them,about yourself and also about how you both fit in together,emotionally and sexually.
i wouldn't.
shallow? eh. i won't. real talk. i don't even have many ex relationships..so if i choose you to be the few..you better give me it.
I agree with the second one - you can find out if you are sexually compatible by making out or hugging or anything, however, it is nice to have sex in a relationship.
I'll put it this way. If I was in love with somebody, I wouldn't let something like sexual incompatibility tear us apart.
i'm with the second poster here, probably because my husband and i also waited til marriage to start our sex life and we've got no complaints. ;)
i commented this on the aforementioned post already, but i'll say it again: i think most of the time sexual compatability is really tied into the other areas of your relationship. if something's off with your sexual chemsitry, the odds are there are other things wrong in your relationship too. it's not like it's something wholly seperate- it's really an extension and expression of your relationship as a whole. i just don't believe that healthy couples will have insurmountable sex issues. will there be things to work through? probably. but if your relationship is strongly grounded in things other than sex, you'll likely be able to work together in that area as well.
:)
I see where both commenters are coming from. If you are not pleased sexually in a relationship, but everything else is perfect, you'd have to weigh the benefits - is it worth it? I'd say so, it's not all about the sex. However, I do believe in sexual chemistry, not necessarily sex chemistry. Two people can find that chemistry in just kissing, hugging, even just hanging out long enough to get to know each other. The chemistry and compatibility is very important...
In the grand scheme of things, it's not that important. You can get great sex anywhere, but true love is such a rarity these days. Breaking up with someone strictly because of "bad sex," regardless of how amazing they are otherwise, is so disgustingly selfish. Sex is definitely an important PART of a (married) relationship but the entire relationship should not be focused on that, or else there's no real foundation for it.
its weird, to tell you the truth. i've been in two long term relationships, including the one i'm in. the first one was somewhat unhealthy (constant fighting, personality clashes etc.) but there was a lot of sex going on. regardless, we still broke up. in the relationship i'm currently in, there is no sex and no possibility of it (to an extent) because she is waiting for marriage. marriage is a ways off for me, but our relationship still thrives, although (being a guy, ha) it is a little tough sometimes. i guess it just depends on how well you can hold it.
and by hold it, i meant hold out haha. if you value someone's love over the sex with them, that kind of thing.
Sexual chemistry is important if you plan to be together forever because, let's face it, no one can go their whole life without sex. But, you don't have to have sex to know you have chemistry. Just to know if your partner's not good. But that can be worked on as a couple.
This is complicated for me. I know my boyfriend and I will not be having sex outside of marriage, however, I need there to be some sexual attratcion/chemistry going on. I mean, you're allowed to want somebody but still restrain yourself.
my ex husband. no chemistry and he was selfish. it was all bad. from the sloppy kissing to everything else.
but it's all good...he was also abusive and cheated on me. so good thing i didn't have much to miss! =)
well Im a very sexual person Im not waiting to get married. Tho I really want to get married, Ive been with my SO for 3.5 years, if there wasnt sex involved i dont think we'd be as close.
Okay, first of all, sexual chemistry is very important. However, sexual chemistry can also be cultivated over time when given the nurturing it needs. That nurturing, however, seems even more elusive than true love which, in and of itself, is not enough to make a great sex life.
Secondly, Sexual Incompatability does exist but I do not believe it is confined simply to the area of sex, it is simply the prominent symptom. My son's father and I were obviously lovers, and we were together seven years, four and a half to five of w'hich we were having sex. Because he was my first I led my life thinking I just didn't like sex and was bult without a sex drive. We had seemed to have tons of chemistry when hugging, making out, and all that other stuff, but sex was downright unenjoyable. Turns out it was merely a symptom of something darker which I will refrain from going into here.
Thirdly, not being able to please one's partner is a huge blow emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, all down the line. Love is great, true love worth never letting go of, but with love SHOULD come open communication-open to giving it but more importantly receiving it. Sex is not just about hormones and pheromones, it's not just about finding that ever elusive soul mate, it's a combination of them and the people they involve. If you love someone, surely you would want to learn what pleases them, how to do so, etc. so on and so forth.
GOOD SEX - LOVE = A FIX
BAD SEX + LOVE = DAMAGE CONTROL
BAD SEX - LOVE = BIG MISTAKE
GOOD SEX + LOVE = NEVER GONNA GET MUCH BETTER. YOU'RE ALREADY THERE.
I agree with the 2nd person...
As for the first person with the example that some woman being with a man with a larger penis is constantly hurting her every time they have sex, and they're stuck together forever.. If they're constantly hurt a lot every time they have sex with someone, then they're doing it wrong and either aren't aroused enough, aren't using enough lube, are too tense, slamming into the cervix too hard & too often (and bruising?) or something. That shouldn't be happening, and changing up how they're doing it should fix it. It's not the end of the world.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - FTW.
I think sexual chemistry is important to a certain degree... if both myself and my partner decided to wait til marriage before we became sexually active, i think it's not difficult to see our physical chemistry like the second poster has suggested. Plus if sex was painful and not in a good way, then I don't think I would stay in that relaitonship because sex should be fun or at least enjoyable.
But how do we distinguish physical chemistry itself without being physical? Do we all just wait for that 'electricity' that imagine or can it be generated through rationality?? I ask because I think I may be unintentionally blocking possible chemistry with someone (my own madness does not escape me)... or it just means we don't have any physical chemistry... *shrug* I can't figure it out. HAHAAH
OH MY GOD. I picked up my last ex on the rebound and it was the worst mistake of my life. We ended up having no sexual chemistry beyond the first "honeymoon" / exploration of each other period, but he was so clingy and pathetic I couldn't find it in my heart to break up with him. He was a waste of time. And the lack of sexual chemistry was uber frustrating. I'd say it was a major factor in why our relationship went sour.
Sexual chemistry is very important; however, it should not define a relationship. Love is more than sex.
@dR34M_w_Im4g1nAti0n@xanga - Interpersonal attractions consist of more than emotional bonds. It's pretty neato stuff: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction#Causes
Sexual chemistry is a myth.
The more in-tune the couple is emotionally, the better the chemistry will be.
It's
not a separate entity, it ties in with how well the relationship is
going. When there are problems with the relationship, it shows in the
bedroom.
Yes. My boyfriend actually isn't all that great in bed (but he's excellent at everything else, luckily), but I still stay with him. I'm willing to risk it... He's too important to me to lose over something as insignificant as sex.
Everyone is different. Everyone can agree it is a factor, just as personality, physical attraction, etc . . . How you weigh that is up to the individual. Socially, I think we label people who put more emphasis on one factor over another. Who is to say who is right? I dunno.
Sex is a big factor for me. But if I met the love of my life would I compromise or weigh that factor less? I dunno, I haven't met the love of my life yet so I will wait until then to figure it out. Until then, it is a contributing factor as this entry mentions, a compatibility issue.
This is a good debate brought up by two interesting arguments. Both are correct; but the second blogger's argument is weaker because it applied to just them. Should the love and the sex have not been as good for them as they expected, would they have said the same? Besides, waiting until marriage for any sex seems like a backlog of sexual energy waiting to come out.
Sexual chemistry does have a factor, but it's not the judge's gabble on making a great relationship; just how often or not sex goes down.
Sexual chemistry usually goes along with getting along with and being comfortable and deeply trusting of that person. I could see where you might not be into the same things but if you love each other you'll want to please them.