Tuesday, 24 March 2009
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Long Distance Relationships: Notes And Observations
You never notice how many people are in long distance relationships until you are in one yourself. Since my SO (who most of my subs know as Steve) moved to Arizona this past August, I've noticed so many devoted couples who are separated by states and miles. Where were they hiding?It occurred to me that the very nature of LDRs keeps them kind of unspoken. Not only is your SO not around for you to be seen with, but you also don't talk about him or her as much as you would if he/she were nearby. After a while, telling stories about a guy that no one has met can get old - if no one's mentioned to you that it can get old, they're probably being polite.
This can make your relationship seem kind of secret in a manner. You may be text messaging him or her constantly, but your conversations are separate from those around you. It's not always something that comes up in conversation and many people assume that because they've never seen me cozy with a guy, I just don't have one. So, when I mention "my boyfriend," people act confused, ask who I'm dating, and when I explain that he's a thousand miles away, some wonder if he's my invisible made up boyfriend. It can be tough!
You usually hear about LDRs at the beginning of the school year when students are separated by college (as I was) from their SOs. Howevser, I've noticed that the economy has been driving some couples to search for jobs that are out of state and out of reach from each other. I thought it might be useful for those considering this move to think about the requirements and implications of LDRs...
1) There should be no doubt in your mind that you want to stay together when you're apart. If there is doubt in one party, then it's likely to get worse once you're apart. There shouldn't really be any question of ending the relationship just because of distance, and if one party is unconvinced that staying together is the right thing, persuading him/her otherwise could just cause a painful "I told you so" breakup later.
2) Don't send out spies...yes, so maybe your SO is really cute and gets hit on EVEN when you're around, but you're going to have to let your hair down if you're going to be apart for long periods of time. If you're always worried, you're going to get sick and make the whole agreement shaky. If you don't think you can leave him/her unsupervised, maybe an LDR isn't the best thing for you.
3) Abuse technology for all it's worth, but never, EVER stalk your SO. Text him, write on his Facebook wall, comment on his blogs, call him and tell him goodnight every night - BUT DON'T LOG ONTO HIS E-MAIL ACCOUNT TO KEEP TRACK OF HIM! You're part of his life, yes, but you will probably not understand the context of his private lives and will end up doing more harm than good. If you can't just leave him be a little bit, then reconsider if an LDR is a good option.
4) Does she swear to come home every month? Fine. Does she promise to transfer schools next year to be closer to you? Good. Are there plans for a bigger apartment so you can move closer within the year? Awesome. But make sure that they follow through! Don't let a month turn into two months, turn into a year. This goes for both parties: there has to be a committment to reunite or else you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye.
5) Appreciate the small things: a letter, an "I love you" text message, sending "gifts" or "graffiti" on Facebook, attempts at poetry (it's the thought that counts!), etc. Don't take for granted the small things that he CAN do while he's away just because he's not here. In fact, I would argue that this is all the more reason to appreciate these things!
6) It's okay to feel bitter about the distance, but don't be afraid to share this feeling with your SO. There's probably a chance that she's feeling the same way. A sense of abandonment (if your SO moved away) or injustice (if you had to leave) seems pretty common, so don't be alarmed.
7) COMMUNICATE. You've probably seen me harp about this before, but when your SO isn't there to see your minute facial expressions it can become difficult to explain exactly what you're feeling/what happened today at work/how much you miss him, etc. Yes, you can still censor the same things you would if your boyfriend/girlfriend were next to you (i.e. "I have the most intense cramps and/or heaviest period today" or "I just realized that I would totally sex up my professor even though she reminds me of your mom"), but you will probably have to be more explicit about other things simply because you're talking through hundreds of miles of internet or phone line and not face to face.
8) You're not alone! Really! We're here for you!
What would you add to this list?
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- From: irishgrrl690@xanga
- About Me: I'm an only child, a social liberal, a fiscal conservative and a state's righter; I'm Lutheran by choice, skeptic by nature. I love music, I play bass, I'm going to be an orchestra teacher. I'm also awesome. Before you start talking to me, I should warn you: I'm a little strange. :D
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Comments (36)
Dude, this gets put up so many times. I'm tired of seeing "How to: long distance relationships"
Now, I don't rag on people who do the whole LDR thing. To me, its a matter of choice and its not a big deal.
However I personally don't believe in long distance relationships. I don't see them as real and from what I do see 99% of them don't work out.
But like I said, I don't care if someone else does.
My honey left for the military a month and a half after we started dating. Luckily, we'd known each other and been close friends for a much longer time, lol. We've been together almost two years now and next fall I'll be transferring to a university in the same town as his base.
It sucks sometimes, but I think I appreciate my SO so much more on the occasions I do get to see him (about every three months or so). A lot of my friends are so clingy and downright desperate-acting around their bfs, and I'm really glad he and I have as healthy of a relationship as we do.
One thing to add to the communication part - it really really is so much more important than everyone thinks. In a LDR, the silent treatment doesn't work and makeup sex isn't an option, so you're forced to confront all of your issues as you encounter them.
Well, I definitely needed this post. I was going to post one asking how people cope with their LDR, because I'm about to have one myself. I'm moving about 450 miles away from my SO this summer, and I wasn't sure how to approach the situation.
The last time I was in this situation, my SO was the one that moved away, and he forgot about me pretty quickly, leading to an abrupt break up.
Now, I'm not going to do that to my SO, but I can't seem to keep myself from being scared about the future. I think I just need to remember the things that you mentioned in this, so that I don't drive myself crazy. I guess what else I want to know is how to prepare for the transition from seeing each often, to seeing each other only a few times a year. Any tips?
Anyway, thanks for this. It helped a lot :D
Im dealing with that exact situation.
i moved about an hour and 30 minutes from my bf and it has its pros and cons. you have to really love/care for the person if you want to make it work.
i only see him once a week but when i do its soo amazing because the distance seemed to make our relationship soo amazing. he had second doubts at first because i wasnt able to see him but when i started seeing him again everything changed for the better.
i just think you and the other person really want to make it work and communicate and let each other know whats going on and TRUST...is the most important thing. its hard sometimes but if you really care for someone im sure it can work,
Thank you for the advice. I do agree that communication is definitely key. That goes for any relationship, but in an LDR communication is probably the largest factor that holds the relationship together. I'm currently in my first long distance relationship (my first real relationship actually), and I'm learning a lot. I used to think they would never be for me, but now I see a different side. I wish everyone the best :)
@SurveysThatTakeupUrBOREDUM@xanga - I agree with everything you said. You have to want to make it work, and it can. Trust is essential. I live 3 hours from my boyfriend and he takes the train to see me when he's at school.
You are awesome for posting this. I do do those, but seeing it in writing is good knowing that I'm doing those things, and things that I shouldn't be doing. Lol.
I met my boyfriend at the beginning of college this year (we're both freshmen) and have spent nearly EVERY DAY with him since. Winter break was very difficult on me, going an entire month without him. As summer break (FOUR MONTHS LONG!) is rapidly approaching, I'm terrified of the breakdown I may have when I wave goodbye as his car drives away. Ultimately, I know this summer will be great for our relationship, to see if we're as compatible apart as we are together. It'll be a difficult test for us, but if we can make it through, there will be no doubt in my mind we could make it for the long run.
Amazing post. Thanks for the encouragement!
I'm only in this sticky situation for a few more months, my SO and I used to go to the same High School and he always had to go home to Japan each summer,
so naturally, I started hating on summer - big time! The first year we had to wait two months, it was hard. but we landed back on our feet,
and the second was better, he cuts the time going home to see his family for me, so I feel a little greedy!
Right now he is in University, it's only an hour away, but we see each other at least once a month. Next year will be better because I will be attending the same Uni,
I'm still relatively young, but my first relationship was partially long distance, and it sucked not being able to enjoy summer with him.
This summer he only plans to leave for a few weeks, just so he can see his family, friends and do some much better quality shopping !
this is a good tip, I can read over it more when we're having our downers !
Thanks ;)
@SurveysThatTakeupUrBOREDUM@xanga - Hmmm, I've lived about that distance from an other before and I wouldn't really consider that a long distance relationship. I considered myself pretty lucky to be that close to them and see them once a week.
UGH, thank you for reminding me about how to get through this!! I really needed this post today. >.<;; I miss my boy so much, and it sucks ass what with him in the Air Force and all... you know how that goes, don't ask, don't tell, blah blah blah... And to make it worse, we can't even communicate that much due to the nature of his job. I worry about him... :/
(egg)
My fiance and I were dating six months before he joined the military. He was gone for four months at basic/AIT, and it was the hardest part of my life. In four months, I got seven phone calls (some shorter than five minutes) and twelve letters. I wrote him every night, and I can honestly say we learned more about each other in those four months than we did when we were together.
He came home for a month for Christmas and there was absolutely no doubt we were going to work out. January, he moved to his base in Alaska (I'm in Mississippi - talk about long distance!), and I'm not going to see him until we get married in August. Communication, trust, and honesty will get you through anything, and you learn to appreciate each other for who they are, not necessarily on how they make you feel. If both parties are willing to make it work, there's nothing that can stop it.
One of the MAIN ingredients for a successful long-distance relationships is TRUST. Complete and wholehearted trust. That's it.
I ALWAYS said I wouldn't do long distance because I couldn't do it. However, when I found a great man... I figured I wanted to see if it would work. I don't want to be left wondering what could have been or what should have been. He is wonderful at coming to visit me and my school schedule is extremely flexible so we actually see each othe pretty often for being 4 hours apart.
We have been dating over 8 months now... this summer will be a year... and I'm transferring schools... he lives in LA and I live in central valley. I'm not going soley because of him but I got accepted to UCLA... so in the end... it all is working out well. you both just need to want the same thing... if one has doubt... it will not work. We had a couple of rough patches because of the distance but you just communicate the issue and resolve it asap! TRUST. MUST HAVE TRUST!! =)
GOOD LUCK!
LDRs work for some
and for others, it doesnt.
Its a matter of choice I think.
If you think you can make it work, then good for you.
Awwww. My boyfriend is leaving to go study abroad for three months tomorrow.
love 5 6 7 and 8 and many of the comments
i guess for me too add is that you have to be emotional strong to go against all those people that would say that long distance is not good, about u guys are not getting to know each other, you guys are wasting your time, he or she might be cheating, and bla bla bla
it took me a while to stand by and hit those words back and now i am a very happy LDR's person lol he was there but there were some stuff i needed to figure out.
my boyfriend is going to law school across the nation in the fall, and i am anxious as he is entering a new stage in his life [thousands of miles away] while i am still going through undergrad.
i feel like we should talk about our future sometime before he leaves, but how do i bring it up& talk about it? and when?
@f0rg0tt3nxm3m0ri3s@xanga - No time like the present. What's the point in waiting if it's on your mind? I know it might seem like one of those things you put off because the outcome might definitely suck, but if it's important to you, talk about it as soon as you can. Be sure you're ready for whatever outcome this conversation brings, though. Or... wait until he says something(but don't really). Or just dive in headfirst. No better way than to just charge ahead, especially related to things like this.
For me, there was never a doubt in my mind that Harmony and I would stop dating when I left, but she didn't have a clue about what I was thinking. I thought it was a given that we would stay together, but she didn't know that. She asked, and I'm glad she did! Communication before I left has definitely helped now that I'm gone.
my soon-to-be-husband is in the navy, Luckily he still has about another year till he is shipped out but right before him I was in a long distance relationship with a different naval man (lol don't ask) and it didn't work because first we didn't have enough time to bond before he left, second because he never really showed that he loved me, and third because I was the only one working to MAKE it work. A LDR is really something that requires alot of work from both sides. Trust me if I, or any person in a LDR, had a choice then he'd always be close by. But we don't alwys have that choice, The good thing I've noticed bout a LDR, if it works out, is that day when you guys are first together again it's absolutly amazing because you have realized with all the space and time how much this person truly means to you. BUT u have to know before you part where each other stands in the relationship... VERY important. If not the whole time you're seperated you're upset and wondering what he or she is feeling. and of course Num. 1 thing TRUST... don't have it then you better not presue in a LDR.
i really do relate to this blog..i do feel sometimes when i talk to some of my friends that they just want me to stop talking bout my BF..even though they all know him..my BF is in the military and he honestly didnt think in the beginning that we couldnt do it considering when he first went up..alot of his friends lost their GFs and wives..i told him i can do it...and now 8 months down the road..we are still together and hes coming home in 3 months for his leave!
communication and trust are always key to a good relationship but one needs alot of it in order to make a LDR work..
love is also a key factor as well..i believe the reason why ive stayed and been faithful to him for so long is because i love him and i know he feels the same way..
Thanks so much for all of the advice <3
My SO lives 3 hours away from me and the only problems we seem to have right now is we miss each other a LOT, since I am busy with school and he works all week. But it just goes to show that distance can make you stronger sometimes.
haha ur right that ppl with their bfs around.. talk about their bfs SO MUCH MORE.. its so strange.. u wud think it would be the opposite way.. right?? hmm.
my bf is in the army and he's deployed so i barely get to talk to him.. but its ok. cuz i love him and he loves me.. and i wasnt the needy type to begin with. it just works =] i mean.. i think ii'd be a bitch to say to him "sry i cant be with u cuz we're not going to see each other for a year cuz ur off fighting for this country. sry." thats just dumb.
if you love someone that much just work hard at it. i sometimes think LDR is actually easier.. cuz it gives me more time to focus on my education and career.
this was great. I wouldnt add anything. Its good to know I'm not the only one out there. I dont know of any other long distance relationships but its good to know that there are plenty of them out there.