Tuesday, 24 March 2009
-
Do I Judge My Friends' Relationships by Unreasonable Standards?
I often find that when my friends talk to me about fights with their boyfriend or how their relationship is going, I always think (but rarely say directly) "I would never stay in a relationship like that!" I don't always side with my girlfriends, but I never side with the relationship. Whether it's R., who has been way too patient with a boyfriend with chronic cheating habits, A., who is taking back a boyfriend who broke up with her without explanation, E., who seems to fall in love in a day, or D., who will settle for a far-from perfect relationship just to have someone, I never think the relationship is worth staying in. I'm clearly not the best person to come to for relationship advice, because my verdict is always the same "keep on looking!" What can I say? I've been spoiled. I've been in a relationship for over three years with a man who loves my quirks, puts up with my bad moods, and wouldn't cheat on me if he were stranded on an island of Playboy bunnies. And I am equally smitten with him. Is everything perfect? No! Far from it! But we have consistently been willing to compromise and put in the work and patience that relationships require.
I'm starting to wonder whether I have unreasonable standards, or if I just know that relationships have more potential then my friends give them credit for. Am I too honest about my opinions? Maybe. But only because I want the best for them.
Do you ever compare your friends' relationships to your own?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: HappyMedium@healthkicker
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1259 Comments: 0 58 View all posts by HappyMedium@healthkicker
Comments (23)
Oh I totally do! My one friend has been with her boyfriend for a little over two years, but they've broken up im guessing once at least every 3 months. Like seriously, I could never do that. Why would you waste your time? I believe they're both just scared of being alone and not being able to find another...and it bothers me because that's not a good reason to stay in a relationship.
But hey, I'm judging from the outside. So what do we know?
"Whether it's R., who has been way too patient with a boyfriend with
chronic cheating habits, A., who is taking back a boyfriend who broke
up with her without explanation, E., who seems to fall in love in a
day, or D., who will settle for a far-from perfect relationship just to
have someone, I never think the relationship is worth staying in."
Do you ever compare your friends' relationships to your own?
Nope. I have my right to my opinions, but I also know when to keep my mouth shut among my friends; especially in cases of extreme doubt or something that I have no jurisdiction in voicing my opinion.
Your standards aren't all that high really. If anything; they sound quite normal. R,E, and D sound desperate for attention/relationship high. R, sounds like she's either stupid/really tolerant (possibly clingy). E sounds easy/indecisive/prone to bad choices.
D sounds like a real clingy type. However, if the relationship works within fair standards, then you may be wrong on that one. If she's hooking up with bums/losers/violent guys, then it's on her.
A is giving a second chance to a guy who broke up with her. I don't see anything wrong with A really (maybe too forgiving).
I have alot of friends who come to me for relationship advice, and generally I give them some advice that I try to follow myself, but never seem to do (when I was single). However, all of my advice is out of good intention and in search of what that person really wants. I also try to make sense out of the situaton and have them think realistically as well.
I try not to compare my friends' relationships with my own, because mine is too good to be true =P And also, everyone is different! But I think in your case you're allowed to pass judgment on some of your friends' relationships. I mean, come on, staying with a chronic cheater is just asking for heartbreak.
I don't think your standards are too high. I think your friends' standards are too low.
one of my closest friends is in a 6+yr relationship with a guy that she has broken up and gotten back together with (countless times) over nothing and everything. they reminded me of my precarious relationnship with my thenbf (now my ex) and i didn't want to be her although lately i've been wishing that i held on rather than pack up and clear myself for a new start. and then there's another friend of mine who's in a long distance 'relationship' with a guy she has never met in person; just on the phone and email, who has sent her an expensive phone via post, and she's willing to visit him overseas (also to visit her family) in the summer. her, I think it's nuts because he could be 50 with two kids and a wife unaware but that's not my place to say anything. my point is, it's EASIER to see the cracks of a relationship when you're not in it. It's not YOURS so you can see it objectively.
In most cases, I sided with my girl friends' ex/bfs when I listen to the situation than the girls. I'm usually the 'guy' in the relationship so I guess it's simply logical. And one way or another; usually with plenty of sugarcoating, I let my opinions known. Not to be malicious but i think friends DO tell the truth when it needs to be heard, not because that's what they want to hear.
It amazes me how so many ppl can stay in a relationship that has so many ups and downs for longer than a year. I thought being in a happy relationship of 10 months was a stretch for me or the fact that being in a super passionate but problematic relationship for 1.5 yrs (broke up like 6 times in 2 yrs...so approx. 1.5 yrs?) was insanity of youth. HAHAHAHA..
I don't compare my friends' relationships to my own but I do have my own opinions of their relationships. I mean, don't everyone?
@methodElevated@xanga - Ditto!
I try to listen and be sympathetic to my friends who have boyfriend trouble but I guess I am both too new to the whole boyfriend thing and also too unsure about my own relationship to make too many comments on theirs.
I think the people who are involved are the ones who know exactly what is going on in the relationship and exactly how much potential it has. That's why I don't take the advice of my girlfriends to heart. They will obviously tell me to find someone else..because well there are other guys out there, but how many guys do you run across that you can give your heart to? Not many.
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - yes, exactly! friends may tell you to go find someone better, but it really is easier said than done... especially if you love the person, or even just like them a lot.
I think you're just trying to look out for them so they don't get hurt. Which is a good thing.
The big problem with judging your friends relationships is 99.999% of the time they only tell you about the bad stuff. They only come to you when they have something to gripe about, when they've had a fight, when they've mis-communicated, broken up, whatever.
You don't hear about all the cute, tender moments that keep people in these relationships as long as they stay in them.
In my opinion, unless the situation is obviously abusive, most people outside the relationship tend to give bad advice simply because they can't see the entire picture.
my best friend and i are complete opposites when it comes to dating. i've been in a long-distance relationship for over two & a half years now, and i can honestly say it's the best one i've been in, sure it's not perfect, but we make it work. my best friend, however, somehow always finds the guys who end up screwing her over. they seem nice and good at first, but over time she'll find out that the guy has a major flaw that she can't deal with. it's hard for me to see her go through with it all these times, but it's made her a really strong person. she's definitely the most independent person i know. i always side with her about how her "exes" have treated her. heck even my boyfriend has helped by telling one of her guys to stay away. i think you have a right to be judgemental if you care enough about your friends, your standards really aren't that high.
Seems like it would be the other way around. As long as you don't criticize them and say "This would never happen with my man" I don't think you should stress about wanting more for your friends.
sounds familiar...
i just tell my friends that i can't tell them what to do because it's their lives. i can tell someone to break up sooo many times but at the end of the day they have to make that decision themselves. i just try to stay out of it and support my friends. plus i know my relationship is not perfect either
I'll admit it... I do it.
And I have no problem telling them
to "keep on looking!" but I'm not expecting them to follow it. When I
say it, its an opinion, not advice. They know that I just want the best
for them and they know no matter what they decide, I'll still be there
to catch them if they fall. But I will never say, "I told you so."
Fighting every week, still in love with an ex, and emotionally detached, I think its time to call it quits.
Ack, that reminds me of this one guy I talked to a few weeks ago. He was with a different girl every few days, or at least one new girl a week; all of them ended up dumping him after a few days. (Usually his fault.) He thought that I was judging him harshly, while I was only judging him realistically. At first I was nice about it, but after a while... ? I started giving my blunt and honest opinion, because after like 5+ girls in a month I was tired of hearing it.
I never compare my friends relationships to mine. I know the way I think, and of course I'd deem mine as better. But really, everyone can have equally good relationships; depending on what floats their boat.
OMG so glad that u brought this up. I am only close to one person as a girlfriend, and we have been best friends for 10 years and I HATE her "husband". I can't stand him, if we were all on a ship and he was standing by the ledge I would walk by and "accidently" push him off. because he's just STUPID!!! they were dating for about a year and a couple of months when he knocked her up, then he told her he was going to propose to her that saturday (with a ring that looked like he got it from a dang gumball machine) and married her the following friday.If my boyfriend told me what day he was going to propose I would be like "um okay then saturday I will tell you no" i mean when you propose isn't it suppose to be unexpected and romantic, I don't thnk you're suppose to know when it isgoing to happen....ND He has no car JUST got his permitt a week ago, no high school diploma or GED, and has a sucky job. She on the other hand is beautiful, in college, car, job... pretty much got alot going for her and she settles for this loser. I cried at the "wedding" because i didn't want her to be with someone that was rediculous, not only that but he has a larage amount of anger issues. One time she playfully hit him and he got all pissed and looked at MY boyfriend and was like "don't you ever feel like hitting her".. my boyfriend was confused and was like "um no I don't ever feel like hitting my girlfriend..." I want the best for her but I can't do anything either. She doesn't listen to me, she has to find out for herself, and yeah it's painful for me to watch her go through this, but I know that's the only way she'll learn, and UGH I guess if she's happy with such a dumbass, then fine. but I TOTALLY understand I wish she would have a guy like mine who gives me the world and only ask for my happyness in return or the fact that my guy has a good head on his shoulders. I mean my bestfriend's "husband" is unfortunatly going to be a father soon he NEEDS a good head on his shoulder. There is nothing wrng with wanting the best for the people you care alot about
It's hard to judge your friend who stays in any sort of relationship, simply put, because it's not you. You don't know how she feels, and you didn't experience the relationship.
When friends confide in you about their relationship issues, it's obvious that you only hear a tiny sliver of what the entire relationship is. Perhaps you don't hear the good parts.
When someone needs to let out some steam about their relationship, they will always paint their partner in a bad light, because of what they did/or their feelings are hurt. While we can offer advice from our third person point of view, that's what it is, a third person point of view. Don't judge your friend for whether they take it or not. They will appreciate you listening altogether. And when it is for something we haven't experienced ourselves, even less is it our duty to make sure our friend does the right thing.
I have been in a long term, pretty serious relationship for a few years. I used to confide in other people whenever we had our fights, but when my good friends thought it was a good idea to get in between us and him, I dropped it. It's my choice and I do what I do, and I'm happy. A few years down the track it's the right choice I made. As a friend, even though you think someone is making a mistake, you have to let them make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons. After all no one can tell the future. It can be the right thing to do, after all.
Oh, I react the same way you do when it comes to my friends' relationship just because in situations you stated, i know they deserve much better than that. I'm straightforward and I say what I mean primarily because they are my friends and they do know that I care for them and it's just advices that I give, they still make the decisions.
oh i do too, it annoys me so that i make it clear to my friends i do not wish to know about there relationship business i would rather be the last person they talk to because i really suck at sympathizing with other peoples relationships and giving advice on that matter lol
I don't really compare my relationships to my friends' relationships. But yeah I agree with some people when they've said that it's hard to listen to people who only knows the bad side to the relationship. They don't realize how much a part of your life the SO has become. My bf is also my bff, we'll fight and we have our differences but it's not something we can't work out.
Yeah, I always think of my friends' relationships as not as good as my own :>