I am constantly marveling at the evolution of dating throughout life. As pre-pubescents, we all have little embarassingly awkward crushes on the people sitting next to us in 7th grade biology class. Dating someone at that age turns into eating lunch with them and dancing at socials, arms extended as straight as possible so you never actually touch each other. Then high school hits; sex is in the forefront of everyone's head, and people start coupling off to experiment. Girls wear clothes they are uncomfortable in so they will be noticed, and boys seem to look no further than which girls get boobs first. College is more of the experimental stage, where some people choose to attempt adult relationships, sleeping in each other's extra-long twin beds regularly. Some people just get drunk and screw.
But what happens after college is where it gets a little greyer. Everyone struggles to find his/her path in life, meeting people along the way that seem to advance our interests and spark our souls to be the best we can be.
I started dating someone seriously when I was 23 and ended up moving in with him. Why not, right? We're done with school, we're in love, let's get an apartment and keep evolving! No sooner had the lease been signed, but I felt completely trapped. I spent the next seven months realizing that this was a great guy, but he was NOT who I wanted to be with forever. As soon as I mustered enough courage, I moved out.
Now I'm 26. I know I'm not ready for the whole "you, me and a doggy makes three" thing, but there's gotta be something more than getting drunk and screwing.
I posted in February about a guy I have currently been dating who cares about me but refuses to be exclusive. He still gets booty calls and wants to be able to answer them sometimes without feeling like he's breaking anyone's heart. I bitch a nd moan and sometimes go a little female on him, but I can't help thinking what else am I looking for? I don't want serious serious. This guy makes me feel like the sky's the limit, and he propels me to be the best me that I can be...but we're not official, so there's some weird damper on it or something.
Things evolve as they may, but it seems to me that the older you get, the closer marriage is on the horizon and the more difficult "just dating" becomes. You date for six months, but then where does it go? I'm not ready to bring this guy home or have him be my significant other - I'm still trying to be a significant me!
It dawned on me last night that we ignore the idea of human nature. I'm 26 - in prime child bearing age - certainly not ready for a kid, but my body tells me I'm ready. Maybe I'm just running around hunting for someone worthy of fathering my children. Maybe that's all that really matters - maybe the connection between men and women is as simple as procreation, in which case, until we're ready to procreate, keep it light. Do your own thing. Don't get tied up in someone else's dreams; cultivate your own.
The catch-22 comes in when you realize that doing your own thing all the time gets lonely. You're human; you need the human touch. So where is the happy medium? Are we destined to date people in our mid-twenties only until the point of seriousness, only to reject the idea because the timing is right? If that were the case, we'd end up with a million three-month relationships and nothing to show for it.
I'm done being picked up at the bars. I'm done with walks of shame that are legitimately shameful. I'm done hunting for random play, but I'm not ready to be a wifey. Where is the happy medium?
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Comments (24)
When you're both content with the way your lives are heading, when you're both emotionally ready, and when it's economically convenient (sometimes), it's probably time for marriage as long as you want to get married. During these times, we're all expecting independence. It's socially acceptable to not get married in your mid-20's, or at all, for that matter. Your happy medium is how you feel about life in general, I think. It's being in the same place, at the same time, as your significant other. It's not needing anymore, just yet. And then when you do need more and move on, there's a whole other pool of happy medium. You make your own. Whee. =]
I always assumed the happy medium was commitment. Not neccesarily the "I love you, you love me, let's get hitched!" mentality- just two people seeing each other exclusively.
I think if its serious enough, you'll start to see important areas of your life overlapping- you'll share friends, your family will expect to see him at parties and gatherings, and you'll start spending the night at his house (or vice versa). Maybe you'll find that, after some time, moving in will feel right, or that you are ready for marriage. Until then, there's nothing wrong with just DATING.
As for your boy's booty calls- they must end if you want any satisfaction out of this arrangement. And then again, maybe you just need to take some time to figure out who you are before you try to figure out your role inside of a relationship. Just some thoughts.
For me the desire for a happy medium came earlier in my life and for different reasons but I just stopped all one on one dating and started hanging out with my buddies doing what I love best. Taking one day at a time. Then one day "V" popped into my life and neither one of us was really looking for a partner, but we found that we loved to talk and to watch movies together and we became pretty close friends and then something more. We still have a long way to go till happily ever after but I am not going to stress over it. I just want to enjoy his friendship, companionship and love him and see what happens later.
A good friend of mine described marriage as not being an institution you get locked into but a continuation of what you already have. If you have a good healthy relationship with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then you should. Getting married to that person shouldn't change the way you feel about them at all. And where you're at is perfectly natural. It is alright to feel the way you do. You're done with the screwing around and the walks of shame and that's fine. Just take the time for you, love and marriage and children will come to you when you're ready. You don't have to look at every relationship as a potential path to marriage and children, just enjoy the relationship. Btw, this booty call guy doesn't sound like he's worth an ounce of your time, no matter how great he makes you feel if he's not willing to be "exclusive" (which is a word I abhor) then his loss. You are a great person, don't let other people miss out on that.
@bonkiep@xanga - Ditto!
I feel exactly the same way...As I was reading, I was thinking, this is the story of my life, even the part with the guy who refuses to be exclusive...*sigh*
haven't seen such a good entry for a long time. good question to throw out there for those too old and too young to understand
Good post that is thought provoking. I think for your specific situation, the happy medium would be somewhere along the lines of joining a club sport or some other activity that involves other people and just having fun meeting other people who share your interests. I'm not particularly interested in the bar scene or stuff like that either so I hear where you're coming from. I think if you have really great friends, then you'll feel less inclined to seek out a SO to fill that void. Just my 0.02. Good luck!
Excellent entry. I am also at this post-college figuring out part. We shall see.
@itiscomplicated - I really like the idea that marriage is a continuation of what you have, not an institution you get locked into. Tell your friend thanks for me.
finding a good guy who you can date. no need to think about wifeys and all. it'll happen when it's time to.
I don't think a happy medium exists.
Either its:
Not dating
Screwing around
Light dating
Serious Dating
Marriage.
I guess light dating would be the middle ground.
nvm.
I think happy medium is a state of mind, and when you find your happy medium, you'll know it, because you'll be happy. =) Until then, have fun and don't overanalyze things, just see where life takes you.
"The catch-22 comes in when you realize that doing your own thing all
the time gets lonely. You're human; you need the human touch."
Wrong. I've never had any intimate relationships and it has YET to bother me. If anything; my friends are more worried about it than I am. And the only human touch I need is my own.
For your happy medium; stop fucking trying so damn much and just embrace life for what it is. It's like the real secret to being popular in high school; stop trying and just do your own thing and let the chips fall in place where they may.
One thing; I know it's hard for you, but try to ignore that biological clock of yours until you're really ready financially and mentally to raise a kid. Simple "I believe I can do this as long as I find my SO who will stay by my side no matter what" bullshit isn't going to cut it.
I wish I knew, I am only a freshmen in college. :(
I think you should do whatever makes you happy right now. When the time comes to get serious, you'll know.
ive def been in relationships for more than 3 months, that def did not put me in the wifey seat yet. i wasnt in the "Wifey" seat with this one guy until a year or something later. but it didnt even last.
i think it just takes someone who wants the same thing. someone who wants to keep a constant when it comes to an SO but doesnt wanna always have it progress to being marriage & stuff. whats wrong with being happily stable for a while & not having to get married right away?
Just have fun, do what you want to do. You don't have to start settling down and thinking about marriage if you're not ready to. Go with the flow.
Some of the folks here have told you to "continue doing what you're doing and if it happens, it happens."
Others have said, "Follow your heart. Do what makes you happy and it'll come to you when it is time."
Both of these statements are variations of each other. These statements are basically pointing out how you feel right now and telling you to go with how you feel, which is just terrible advice. Because, how do you know when you're happy? How do you know when you're in love? Are there key markers to take notice of? Hard questions. No single right answer. Because it could be that you're infatuated or it could be that you're simply in a state of being "high" like when taking drugs. When you're "high" it feels a lot like falling in love. Endorphins and dopamine are shot up into your brain telling you that you feel good and that you should feel like settling. But is it love? Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Again, they are hard questions and there are no single right answer or even sets of right answers.
But I will tell you this, you have two choices. Either continue doing what you're doing, or get out of it and stay out of it. If staying out of it is not an option, then marriage is your only option. And if people say, "Well, you can stay in limbo and be exclusive with each other without getting married because marriage is institutionalized and overrated" then I'll say that's bullshit. If you remain in limbo, you're never going to feel secure because there's always the potential that your partner is going to get bored of you down the line and since he's not tied down, he is free to overstep boundaries that were never set upon him to begin with. That's where marriage comes in. That's where the line is drawn and it is crystal-clear to him that this is not a line he ought to cross lest he risk cheating on you.
I think its not time yet I will fall off the radar first and date other people in the meantime..easy to say but hard to do.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - how about you get a little more experience under your belt before you judge others so harshly.
I honestly don't know either. I always thought being in a committed relationship is the middle b/w high school/college and rest of your life.
But now I'm at that middle place (but not in a relationship) and I wonder why. Not why-I-can't-get-a-man but more like why-am-I-not-happy-with-or-without-a-man. After reading this I'm a little more clear now.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - I too have yet to be intimate with someone and am very happy with myself. However I think you were way out of line to say that. If you disagree, do so politely and act like a lady - cursing was not necessary. And telling her "to grow up?" She's not some 16-yr old lamenting over the football guy at school.
I disagree with you b/c sometimes I wish for someone to be there for me too, just like the author. Wanting the human touch does not have to translate to sex - but simply the need for touch, whether it be a hug or a friendly kiss. I have gone through several personal tragedies all within a 6-mth span and realized for the first time then that sometimes I want someone who is close to me, who shares that emotional connection with, to hold me when I'm crying myself to sleep.
Don't be so harsh in judgment when you have no idea who the other person is. Doing so gives others the same right to judge you unfairly.
A thought-provoking post. I have wondered this myself quite a few times, and I haven`t even started college yet.
I can see the whole "why-date-if-it`s-going-nowhere" scenario, but how else will you know when The One comes walking through the door? You need to set some standards, and those are only formed when you`ve dated people that don`t meet them. Or you do, but they`re unavailable or unaware of your existence and so you search for the next best thing.
I think your "happy medium" is the point in which you no longer find yourself in shortage of this, or seriously lacking in that.
There is a shortage of good, potential, intelligent men really.