Monday, 23 March 2009
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When Is Lying to Your BF Better Than Telling The Truth?
How do you respond when someone you care about asks you about sex with your ex?To understand the situation better, I have to give you a little background. My first boyfriend pushed me to do more sexually than I was comfortable with - "pushed" is the nicer way of saying it. He ended up taking my virginity. Long story short, I was not ready to do anything physical for a while after I started dating my next boyfriend, "Rob". Eventually, we got pretty far, but we never had sex. I was physically satisfied by him without needing sex and I felt intimate enough doing the things we did. Rob was a virgin, and I could see him being "the one," so I wanted to save his virginity for something more special than a moment of weakness in a college dorm room.
After we broke up, "Alex" surfaced. I had started out our relationship not really thinking it was going to get serious. I took it as a fun, exciting peek at how a casual relationship worked, considering that the only relationships I had had in the past were very serious, "could get married" types. Though he was a virgin, I had fewer qualms about taking his virginity for some reason (though I did try to protect it for him when I thought he might just be tempted by the hormones but not ready emotionally, he ultimately said he was ready).
Now, I'm back with Rob. ish. We were working things out and cuddling when the question I had been dreading came up. "How far did you go with Alex? Did you have sex?"
I was completely honest, though I was tempted to lie. After all, he would never find out the truth. I didn't contract any STDs or anything that would make my past sex life relevant to Rob...and I knew it would hurt him. Still, I told the truth.
I tried telling him that physical intimacy shouldn't be equated with emotional intimacy, that I loved him more than I had Alex, that I had saved Rob's virginity because he meant more to me, and that sex also just never came up because we had started our relationship when I was still in a very delicate phase (after my not-so-consensual loss of virginity with the last guy) and then I was so satisfied with what we shared that I never felt the need to go further. Why get the risks and stresses of pregnancy, etc. when I am perfectly satisfied with what I have, right?
Clearly (and understandably) Rob was hurt. He sputtered, "We dated so much longer and then you had sex with Alex after a month?!" I didn't know how to respond. He had every right to be upset, but then again, I couldn't do anything about it either.
Now, I don't know if our future together has been wrecked. I have no idea what to do, since obviously I can't fix things. I just have to wait it out and see where time takes us.
Should I have lied?
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Comments (52)
no, it would be worse if he found out later
@indigo_nights@xanga - agreed
eventually, someday the truth would've had to come out. and that would've been worse.
No....what you should've done is not slept with Alex =|
Okay, criticism aside...
Short of that, there's really nothing you can do. It IS a good thing you told the truth...there's a good chance you two can get over this if you're really meant to be together. On the other hand, if you had lied and he had found out...well, that one would've been a deal-breaker.
As a rule, if you're in a serious relationship, never lie. If they do end up being the one...they'll figure out eventually, and it'll be a million times worse.
alex needz to get WAY over himself ok cuz lying iznt an opshin inna relayshunship gawd str8 men wennar they gunna pullit together & get haffa klue
Pulling a lie into a relationship is never a good idea. You done the right thing by telling the truth.
No, if you lied, he would be even more pissed off and probably walk away instead.
I think you did the right thing, you told the truth. Truth hurts, but at least he knows it's the truth.
I guess the reason why he said that is 'cause he's jealous, or mad, I guess he though you guys really had a thing, and thought you won't do anything else with someone else.
But I know why you did that too. I get it.
I was there. I told my bf the truth, he reacted the same way your's did. But we talked it out, and we tried to put the past behind us. It takes time. It hurts, but if you guys are really meant for each other, it'll work out.
Good job. It's difficult to tell the truth sometimes, but the fact that you did shows some courage and intelligence, believe it or not. This is probably my first positive comment on a public xanga post. Congratulations.
You did good. I think even small lies should be left out of relationships because you never know what the repercussions could be.
The truth is always the best option for me. I am terrible at keeping secrets and to lie to someone I love would be much too hard for me to do.
i think you did the right thing.
It's good that you didn't lie.
It's understandable that he'd be hurt. And if he doesn't want to be with you anymore then it's perfectly okay for him to act like this. But because he's acting like this, getting all angry from an answer to a question that HE asked HIMSELF, (don't ask a question you don't want the answer to anyone?) he's going to make you more tempted to lie next time. So if he wants to be with you he's going to have to stop acting like a little girl (no offense!). Otherwise he's ruining things for himself.
Think about it. If you ask your kid (say it's a boy) if he broke the lamp in the living room and without hesitation he told you the truth and you ended up acting all huffy and puffy, punishing him left right and center, what are the chances that he'll ever own up to anything ever again?
you shouldnt tell the truth==
No, you should NOT have lied. But he still has reason to be upset at you. Hell, I would be, too!
Just explain to him that emotionally, you are 100% his. Tell him how much you care for him, and really talk through the sex thing. Stop trying to "protect" his virginity - that's a decision HE needs to make for HIMSELF. If he wants to have sex with you, then you should do it.
Sex is natural, lying is the quickest way to a failed relationship, the better question is "when should I tell the truth" and "when should I not say anything at all"...
He was probably offended because he thought he was going to have that special moment with you... He's not pissed, hes jealous, men are VERY jealous creatures... We are naturally competetitve. If I were him, I'd probably be hurt because I was jealous, and I'm willing to bet it is the same with him.
I'm sorry to hear he reacted so badly.. make sure he understands that you told the truth because he's too important to lie to. I wasn't so lucky with my BF and now I don't know what to do.. I don't know what else he could be lying to me about, and i keep on catching him out with stupid lies over and over. No cheating, no STD risks, but it has shaken my confidence in our relationship really badly. It's like I'm not worth the honesty. Please everyone be honest with your partner no matter how embarrassing or awkward or risky it might be.
meh, i probably would have lied. Â Get drunk with rob and have sex. Â Alcohol solves everything.
I think he should be more understanding, since you did not readily give it up to "Alex."
If he can't understand that it was not consensual, then he probably won't understand other tragedies that could occur to you in this road called "life."
Sex is a big deal to a lot of people, for many reasons...there's the obvious risk of pregnancy and disease and all that, so it's important to be upfront from a safety standpoint. From an emotional standpoint though, especially since Rob is a virgin, the issue of sex is important because it is such an intimate thing.
Honesty is always the best policy, and the truth does always come out eventually. I would say that if he hadn't asked, it wouldn't have been necessary to just come out and tell him (some people don't want to know where their partner has been--as long as they're the only ones at that moment, they don't need to know the rest). But since he did ask, you did the right thing by telling him the truth.
The guy I lost my virginity to lied and told me I was his first. Shortly after, the truth did come out, but the damage was done. I was very angry and hurt by that for a very long time. Had he been honest from the start, I may not have been thrilled about it, but I would have understood and gotten over it fairly quickly. I would never recommend lying about something like that, especially to someone who does not take sex lightly (ie: a virgin).
past sexual encounters should be an isssue for him what you do when youre not togerther is your buissness he should be focusing on the now and not the past. you should tell him that you could have easily lied to him but instead you decided to tell him the truth because you love him
Simply put: Lying never works. You did the right thing, and if he is the one, he'll understand and come around.
well i wouldnt tell him...at all..i will just keep it to myself...some things need non disclosure.
I think you did the right thing, but you have to realize it will take him some time to get over his hurt from what you told him. From what I understand about guys, many of them equate physical intimacy with love and if this is how he feels then it doesn't matter if you tell him you love him more than Alex, actions speak louder than words. Give him a chance to let it sink in and I think he'll be okay with it.
I think when you ask a question like that, you have to be prepared for all possible answers. So he kind of brought it on himself. I don't think you did anything wrong, you were just being honest. He'll get over it... I hope.
no, you did the right thing, really.
sometimes....physical and emotional take separate paths. give him time to understand.
he's still just a little boy. don't worry too much about it. honesty is better.