Sunday, 22 March 2009
-
It's Not Easy Being The "Dumper" in A Relationship
When a serious couple breaks up, the most common response is sympathy for the person who was unceremoniously dumped on the curb, while it is assumed that because the other person chose to end the relationship, he/she must be doing fine - it's what he/she wanted, right?Now, I don't mean to belittle the pain people go through when dumped; I've experienced both sides of a breakup, and I know it hurts physically and emotionally, especially if it comes as a surprise. But the pain of the one who made the decision is often overlooked in the flurry of sympathy for the dumped. The lack of sympathy can make being the dumper even more difficult than being the dumped.
With that in mind, here are my reasons to sympathize with the dumper.
1. Missing the ex. It's not an easy decision to leave a relationship that's made it to the serious stage; just because one person made the decision to end the relationship does not mean he/she will not miss his/her ex and go through similar pain.
2. Guilt. This was someone he/she used to - and maybe still does - care very much about, and he/she just did something that hurt him/her very much. Sometimes things were said that both people will regret, and this hurts both sides.
3. Regret. It is very easy to question a decision like breaking up, and self-doubt can destroy any confidence the dumper has; there may also be the possibility of getting back together with someone who never wanted to break up in the first place. If the dumper couldn't be talked out of leaving the relationship it is very unlikely that he/she will be talked into entering it again; this is one fewer decision to be made by the dumped.
4. Anger. The one who is broken up with may feel angry or upset with the person who dumped him/her, but the dumper often has no real reason to be furious with his/her ex unless he/she was cheated on (which is a completely different issue). This makes it much more difficult to get over the feelings that person may still have for his/her ex.
All of these were things that happened to me when I went through my breakup. It's not easy being the one who ended it, and it's very difficult to blame someone for the pain felt after breaking up because it was caused by a personal decision.
Are there any reasons I've missed? Who do you typically sympathize with - the dumped or the dumper?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: TheLoveMuse@xanga
- Name: Kim
- About Me: I'm always busy with my work, school and hobbies which include triathlons and web design. I'm a bit of a geek who loves programming jokes and math humour, and I'm very ambitious. My job is amazing - I work as an assistant project manager and I love going in to work every week, especially since I work with amazing people.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1638 Comments: 0 62 View all posts by TheLoveMuse@xanga
Comments (32)
I always sympathize with the dumpee, because, I'll admit, I automatically jump to thinking, "Oh, that poor girl/boy!" It's a habit that I need to kick, because you're right; the dumper is probably going through pain too. There are plenty of reasons for someone to have to break up with somebody else, but I think most people automatically assume that they dumped them for some crappy reason; therefore they'll be fine while the other person isn't fine.
I was on both sides as well...it's HORRIBLE either way. Especially if both parties still care but one person just couldn't take it anymore for personal reasons. It hurt as much as if he had broken up with me, that's how I felt. I went through all the emotions you did, it's anything but easy when a relationship ends.
You can't really sympathize for either because you have to know the whole story behind the break up. Only then can you really take a "side". People have different views though.
I was the dumper in both of my relationships, so I only know it from that angle. My second relationship wasn't serious, but my first one was, and our break up was still difficult for me.
pfft. something drove the "dumper" to dump the "dumpee," so it's not like all dumpers are just trying to be cruel.
i feel like we're all talking about people taking a crap.
well, how many ppl will sympathize what the dumper has gone tru? ppl will only look at the one being dump. I was both a dumper and a the dump. so is always better to look at 2 sides of the stories.
i have gone tru many years with my ex until i cannot stand him controlling me that i decided to dump him.
It depends on the situation. If the person being dumped was being a jerk, I'm not going to sympathize. But if he/she did nothing particularly wrong, and is completely unaware of the other person's dissatisfaction, it can hurt them really badly when they're hit with the news all of a sudden, or even when they sense something wrong but try to deny it in their heads.
I find it a little hard to "sympathize" with the dumper, because he/she is trying to make a move for the better, even if it's difficult. They're the ones making the decision, whereas the person being dumped has no control over the situation. The dumper might find it hard because he/she doesn't want to hurt the other's feelings, but more often than not the other person is the one feeling crushed from rejection.
It is never easy being the "dumper" I always feel bad about it. I always second guess myself. Thinking "did I make the right choose?" It sucks.
I probably sympathize with the dumper more, strangely enough. I've done enough of the dumping to understand all of the things on that list, especially regret. Second-guessing that decision is THE WORST.
i have been on both sides and i feel as though the dumper gets worse esp is you still care about the person you dump. it's really complicated you know?
Yeah, right.
Pity the dumper.I just got dumped yesterday.& was told that I'd be missed more that words could explain,That I'm still cared about,Etc.But he's already hitting on other girls.So.It's bullshit.
nothing is ever what it may seem.. the dumper isn't always the villian, nor always good.. sometimes there are reasons behind why the dumper decides to dump and the dumpee may not know entirely what's going through the dumper's head.. with that being said, what the dumpee tells friends and others, are just their side of the story and they usually tend to make the dumper look the villian when in fact the dumper may very well have valid reason(s).. so without knowing every single fact from both side, i personally don't think one should point the finger the dumper and say the dumper is the villian..
but yeah, being the dumper isn't easy, just like how being the ceo of a corporation isn't easy.. the ceo is faced with many tough decisions, and what the ceo chooses in the end, the ceo must take responsibility and face the burden.. as machiavelli stated, one "must [not only be able to see]... the present troubles but also [the] ones likely to arise in future" (machiavelli, 2003, p.12). so if you're going to be the dumper, you should already know what to expect and deal with it..
citations:
machiavelli, niccolo.
(2003). the prince. london, england: penguin book ltd.
I'm always the one getting dumped, it's coming to a point where I don't even pity the dumper...
pretty much what i went through. even though i dumped, i still felt a great loss. the fact that my ex wasnt talking to me and hated me made it even worse. the fact that a mutual friend discredited my feelings, was sarky about it and stuck religiously to his side made me feel like committing suicide. which i almost did.
I have seriously wanted to dump the girlfriend on so many occasions, but just couldn't because of the gulilt! Intense, man!
People don't always see the dumper's side of the story. Sure, I've been on both ends, but my most recent breakup had to come. I had to do it...my ex had cheated on me because he was "mad at me" and talked crap behind my back. Some boyfriend, right? But anyways, I got a lot of heat for it. And we don't talk anymore because of it. But I'm so confident in my decision that it doesn't really bother me. I have a better life now.
In all past relationships (and even the unofficial ones), I've always had to be the dumper. My problem was how bad I felt breaking these guys' hearts.
In the case of the 3 unofficial guys, I cut them off fast because they all threatened suicide when I missed a call from them (we'd be on the phone, they say they'll call me back in 30 minutes, I go to the bathroom, turns out they would all call my friends a second after we got off because I didn't pick up the phone right when they would call back and say I "hated" them and they were going to kill themselves, etc). And seeing their reaction to me missing a call was bad enough. So fear of what they would do happened as well with these guys. The saddness for them came from being used to being rejected all through school. Oh and my friends were telling me I was too picky for breaking up with them fast.
With my serious boyfriend (we broke up then got back together because the guilt was too much), something complicated happened with him and for the couple of days we were split, I was nauseus, going into random fits of tears, and nearly fainting several times in the middle of the mall I live near when my friends took me out to make me feel better. At first they reacted, "OMG! What happened?!" though but it really does matter what the situation is.
i've been on both sides. i had to end things this last time; but i think it best if you are breaking up is to be sure to still respect him, not badmouth, and own up to your own failures. it helps to have a couple of people to confide some stuff to, but try to keep it to a minimum.
@jenny_yourebarelyalive__xx@xanga - ugh..i'm sorry that happened. but clearly you're better off.
i just wish people would at least have the anatomy to be real.
Yeah.. that pretty much sums up how I felt when I was the dumper...
I hate it when people assumed that it was what I wanted when I dumped my girlfriend of two years. In fact, it wasn't really what I wanted, but I knew it would better the both of us if things were just "not there" so to speak.
And all of her friends were on my ass for the longest time... it was really dull experience.
it really isn't easy being
the HeartBreaker.
Up to my last relationship, I was the "dumper." The "heart breaker" and I hated it. It takes a person with a lot of decision and strength to end things. Anyone could drag on the facade of being "happy" by ignoring problems and pretending it's okay when it's clearly problematic. And then some others glorify the fact that you're the "heart breaker." It broke MY heart every time I had realized the relationship is on its way down; some even said that I was an opportunity for dumping and dating someone new, but they do not understand the pain that comes to settle when you're trying to convince yourself that you're being premature in such decision while being faced with the obviousness of the reality that it has to end.
Now, my last relationship my bf broke up with me. It's the first time I've ever been 'dumped' and it almost came in a surprise. I knew we had problems but I felt we were on the way of healing ourselves and that we were progressively getting better. I was there to maybe talk things through and make another step in progressive healing when he said the words that broke me into tiny pieces.
The important thing is that I KNOW how difficult it was for him to make this decision. He was the stronger person to recognize that the probs we were having weren't going to fix themselves because they were the kinds that just can't be "fixed" in any way unless we forfeit our values and change ourselves....maybe ending anyways with resentment for each other. BUT it still HURT like a mtherf*cker. I even said the words: "he's prob. fine since he broke my heart" although I knew it wasn't true. And when I ended up calling him while drunk (called him names too) he took it very graciously because he too understand how much I was hurting. Thus when he emails, I can't be malicious about it. Now we're something but I dare not say friends. lol
anyways, it hurts for both parties because the relationship meant something for the dumpee and the dumper just the same.
There's really two different types of dumbers. Theres the one that will dump someone when problems happens and they don't want to deal with it. (These are the most common).
And their is the rare occasion where the dumper is tired of being used, abused, or just not respected, etc by the person they are dumping.
In my life I've seen a lot when it comes to stuff like this. And in most cases the dumper will have that "did I make the wrong choice?" thing and what not. But whether or not the dumper is a jerk or not they normally find someone else pretty quick. So I really don't feel much for the dumper. And sometimes I really dont' feel anything for the dumpee either.
I tend to sympathize with the dumpee more :x .