Ever since I've arrived on the university scene, I've been having serious problems with men pursuing me (despite the fact that I am very, VERY much taken). A few of them have resulted in friendships before it could get too awkward; others have gotten awkward before I could put a stop to them, and this most recent occasion has caught me totally off guard.
My first incident (which occurred with a few other guys as well) was with Colin. He spent the whole night flirting with me only to finally realize that I wasn't joking when I said a boyfriend named Steve who was away at college and that the ring I wear is very important to me. We've since become pretty close friends, and he and my boyfriend are pretty good friends as well.
Then there was the case of my "secret admirer," who left me presents on my doorstep a few days in a row. When I figured out (by eavesdropping) that it was a music graduate student who I had said a total of four words to, I quickly put a stop to it. He insisted that 1) my boyfriend didn't have to know and 2) he's a pretty fantastic guy when/if I gave him a chance. I replied, "My boyfriend is a foot taller than you. If he heard you say that, he would eat you for dinner." We're okay friends now, but it's still awkward.
Then there was the NOT SO SECRET (AT ALL) admirer that I ran into last night before the concert.
While I was tuning my bass, Graham (a bassoonist...if that explains anything) came up behind me and waited for my attention. When I said "Hello, Graham" he paused, and said "I love you."
...
The conversation went as follows:
"Awhhhh... I love me, too!"
"Do you love me?"
"Uhm... no, not really. Maybe in a Viking* way."
"Why not?"
"I don't know you well enough."
"Could you learn to love me?"
"Well, I don't know. I imagine anyone could learn to love you. But I already have a love so you should hunt elsewhere!"
He laughed and then walked away shaking his head.
*Platonic: see "guy love."
It should be noted that I said this all very cheerily and in a completely friendly manner. Graham is... special. He probably has more than a few social problems and is known to be an amazing bassoonist but a very odd person to be around. He doesn't really understand boundaries and is a very (obviously) blunt person. He's funny and fun to be around, but things like this - I'll be honest - are a little creepy.
I wish that he had said that jokingly, but after talking to Eric (another guy friend) it turns out that Graham is a girlfriend hunter. He only does that a few times a year, so I got "lucky," so to speak.
I don't like dealing with guys who have affectionate intentions toward me because I'm a pretty physically guarded person. Both Steve and I can get jealous and he's protective of me (so I genuinely fear for some of these guys if they should ever cross paths with Steve in less than favorable circumstances). I wish I could ignore most guys, but it's clear that university guys can be persistent. I hate getting hugs from anyone other than Steve (and close family) and I don't really tolerate flirting from any straight guy because I don't always know if they are serious or not.
I've been wondering a few things as a result:
How can I make it more obvious that I am TAKEN?
Is there something that I can do that will make guys less interested in me? (it seems silly, but seriously? help?)
Is there a better way that I can respond to guys so that I don't come off as rude, but make it clear that I'm NOT interested?
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Comments (30)
give them my number?
seriously, sorry you have to deal with that.
I've been wondering a few things as a result:
How can I make it more obvious that I am TAKEN?
A: Got no advice for you. Secret Admirer sounds like a date rapist. Don't go to a bar with him nor accept any drinks from him; even if it's a coca-cola.
Is there something that I can do that will make guys less interested in me? (it seems silly, but seriously? help?)
A: Make yourself ugly or unavailable. If a college scene is like I imagine it to be; you're too god-damned sexy, making many men horny in the process.
Is there a better way that I can respond to guys so that I don't come off as rude, but make it clear that I'm NOT interested?
A: No. There are ways, but these guys sound like they want your goods and won't care if you got a boyfriend or not. It's a horny sounding place, but you'll have to tell them straight out that you're not interested and that you'll never be. Be a bitch. It worked on Graham didn't it?
Aww.. the curse of being beautiful. hehe.. I don't have any advice for you. You'll always have this problem. You can have a stamp over your forehead that says taken by Steve, but even then boys will pursue you. I know a few just like that. I think its quite disrespectful when you've clearly stated that you are involved with someone else. But what can you do really..
Gosh, revel in it! You're only young once! ;D
Unless you're a complete, gargantuan jerk, I don't think they'll really stop. And sometimes, people take that kind of attitude as playing "hard to get." No matter what, there will always be people who find it attractive when girls are taken. Really, I think you can only deal with it and move on like you have been doing (by the way, it's immensely entertaining reading about your responses).
Let's see...ways you can show that you're taken...
1. Boy walks up to you and begins his declaration of undying fidelity. You give a look of cluelessness and suddenly glance at the clock. Gasp! "Oh no! I forgot to call my boyfriend! We haven't told each other we love one another today! (fake dial on phone) STEVE? I LOVE YOU! NO, I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU UP FOR SOMEONE HERE, SILLY POO."
2. [If you're not afraid of a little public humiliation,] dance spontaneously and hold your ring up for everyone to see. Sigh in a ridiculously cheesy way.
3. Boy tells you he just wants a chance to let you see how wonderful he is. "No thanks. But I'll be on the lookout for my personality twin. She might be single."
Haha, and obviously, I was kidding. But I do suppose mentioning your boyfriend regularly and conspicuously would rain a just a tiny bit on your pursuer's parade. Good luck!
My answer is this. Tell them no. After that, they are allowed to press against a brick wall all they want. If they fail, not your fault, you warned them. If somehow the manage to get through, you still win, right?
I'm pretty much the same way, and I've pretty much been wondering the same things. The problem is that even if you show some guys you're taken, they'll go after you anyway. You know that, obviously, since that one guy said your boyfriend didn't have to know. Another problem is that even if you were to be rude to them, they'd think you were playing hard to get. You're doing all that you can possibly do so far. Make yourself unattractive; if you wear revealing clothing, don't. If you wear tight clothing, don't. I mean, keep yourself looking decent but just.. don't make yourself look interesting. (If you're desperate enough, I imagine you're up to doing this. :P)
You're being as nice as you can be (without being rude) to the guys who bluntly ask you things. If the same guy remains persistent, don't really worry about coming off as rude. Keep it civil, but say whatever you need to say to get your point across.
You just happen to be surrounded by strange guys. I'd find it creepy if a guy suddenly said "I love you" when I hardly know him. I might even get a little annoyed. And it sounds like Graham needs to acquire some new girlfriend hunting skills...because his are down the gutter.
Anyway, it seems like you're not doing anything wrong, so perhaps you just have to put up with it. It might have just been those three guys.
you really want it to stop? be a bitch. get a rep, and no one will bother you.
or you could just quit being so nice and like, idk, not be their friend after you've told them to shove off.
just a couple of thoughts.
(also, knowing he's a bassoonist does explain a few things to those in the know.)
Really, I doubt making any physical changes would help; from reading your blog for a while, if I were a guy, I'd have an intellectual crush on you. So, unless you plan on rolling around in mud and pretending your IQ is about 20 points lower than it is, I don't think that stuff will help.
I've been pretty fortunate not to have guy problems like that at school. I bring up Adam in conversation every once in a while and throw in a "my boyfriend..." if I think there's a guy with the wrong idea around.
Or, you could take a hint from "The Glass Menagerie" and say awkward stuff like, "I wish you were my brother..." Seriously, it does help me to think of my guy friends as brothers or cousins, and I let them know that. Then, we're all sort of on the same plane.
you can be nice, just be firm and repetitive. even if you weren't dating somebody, they should respect when you aren't interested.
some guys take something as innocent as smiling and being helpful or friendly to mean that you are interested in them. since you don't want to lead people on, try to keep plenty of physical space from them, mention your boyfriend a lot (or that you aren't looking)..they'll catch on
@Katja88@xanga - hahhaa. i'll have to try that "you know...you sort of remind me of my brother" lol.
So. About that Graham guy.....that conversation sounds suspiciously like he's quoting Old Greg. In which case he probably walked off laughing because he was telling a joke....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ig6JwrpVvnk
(around 4 min in)
Wow, you must really be something special, huh? To have all these guys chasing after you even though - GOD FORBID- you are taken! Just get over it. What makes you more special than the rest of where you shouldn't have to go through the trouble of turning guys down? I know I am being a bitch, but that is the vibe I am getting from you... Like you really are better than any other person in this world who is taken. Get over yourself, really. There is nothing you can do... just get used to turning guys down. You are lucky you are apparantly even that attractive, some girls out there would kill to get that much, even unwanted, attention.
The only ways I can think of making it anymore obvious that you are taken are as follows:
a) have your boyfriend live nearby your campus or enroll in the same school and be affectionate, particularly around said admirers
b) get married to your boyfriend and get pregnant really fast - even the most ambitious of said admirers will get the drift, especially after a few months and 'glorious' stretch marks later
Even then you will probably encounter suitors that won't care about these "minor" obstacles. The reason being is that relationships now days are seen to be temporary, most dating relationships lasting only a matter of months. To them, you may be "taken" now, but if they are patient they may yet have their chance when things go south. Likewise, sadly, marriages are also now viewed in a similarly temporary light and so there are still some guys who will attempt to pursue you even once you are married with kids.
I can definitely relate to the frustrations of unwanted suitors and even the concern of not wanting to hurt them by way of rejection. However, don't change who you are to try and alter their behavior. Your responsibility and role as a woman is to be aware and careful that you aren't leading them on, also that you are dressing so as not to communicate that you are offering something you aren't - if you catch my meaning. If you are honest and observe these things then it will define wether or not you are breaking their hearts or if they are breaking their own. So don't be afraid to be firm and stand your ground - sometimes sugar coating such things can be more cruel in the end then being completely honest with them, though granted this doesn't mean you be a complete jerk either. Balance and honesty is the key :)Â I think how you handled Graham is the perfect example of this. Don't get discouraged, if I'm not mistaken, you care about the feelings of others and that in itself puts you ahead of many others trying to figure out how to handle the same situation! It'll pay off in the long run when you are able to look back without regrets and without compromising yourself :)
well it happens to me alot and really you really can't do much about it. because some guys will still cross that line even if they know you're taken. so you just gotta try to keep telling them you're taken and just gotta ignore em sometime
@LoveYouToDeath16@xanga - Wow indeed. Do you always take such things so personally? I very much doubt that this is a blog meant to flaunt the male attention she receives. From the sounds of it she is very content with the guy she is in a relationship with. On that note, she also wasn't looking to fix the 'problem' of having to turn down guys because she doesn't like being inconvenienced. Instead it is more likely that she wanted to make sure she was doing everything she could to not only save the guys themselves the embarrassment, awkwardness, and pain that often lie in finding that someone else already has her heart, but also to be true to the guy she really loves.
Granted I do not know the author of this note and could be wrong, in which case I would retract this comment. However, rather than fostering a feeling of gratitude of having such attention that would be so readily accepted in other girls, it is instead more of a sorrowful thing in itself that there are girls who are in such a state that they would be so affected by such superficiality. I can only say, may they find something of far greater value and worth such as a meaningful friendship lest they open themselves to abuse or stifle the relationship with so many needs unmet.I do think that tshirts and jeans do help at least a little. (Baggy jeans for the win! Though.. they can't be baggy enough to fall off. :/)
I'd say to wear your hair ratty and smear your makeup, ha, but that'd only be a good idea if the guys were the only ones around. Sadly, at school, they wouldn't be the only ones to see you like that.
oh, god.. bassoon players.
[i am a horn player- i suppose we're just as weird ((however, i also play guitar and jazz trumpet/trombone...))]
this post made me laugh.
orchestra boys are so, so odd.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - Just say something back about Baileys from a shoe and see what he does. Either he'll think you get the joke, or he'll think you're crazy. Win-win.
The key is definitely making yourself less attractive. I know you don't want to be rude but you'll have to be if you want them to stop. I've had sweet girls play the rude routine on me when I was getting too friendly with them and it worked like a charm. i ended up dating one of them later on after she broke up with her bf so don't be worried about alienating them. According to one my former GF's telling a guy who's coming on to her that he reminds her of her brother works very well, even to the most forward of men.
you could start looking unattractive? NO WAY!!
You've used clear and decisive language toward these guys, treated them with respect and integrity about their less admirable intentions and yet they still lack the clarity of your answer so I think it's best if you just dropped the friendly angle and be blunt as possible. like how they engaged with you and blurted: "i love you" I think you should handle it as a mundane thing and not make an event out of it. Treat it as something that happens every day which takes their "special position" in your life out of the focus. Be blunt: "Look, I don't know how it is that you don't understand me when I say that I have already found the love of my life and I don't need to be worshipped or loved by you. I'm not the right one for you and if you truly appreciated me, you should realize that you're being incredibly selfish in making me feel uncomfortable." That may even sound super harsh but I think the problem is that you're saying this cheerfully/friendly ish way and that might come across as 'playful' and not serious at all. They can twist that into their own sources of logic and make it their own...that you're inevitably playing hard to get!
SO be SERIOUS about it. And don't sugarcoat it either, just be DIRECT. :) good luck! OH YEAH DON"T think you being less attractive is going to stop them if they are after you...that doesn't work...i've tried it and it failed miserably. ANd why should you?!! :P
Here's a tip. Act high-maintenance. A lot of guys are turned off by or simply do not have the desire to deal with high-maintenance women. Be ditzy. Talk using "like" and "you know" in every single sentence. This will almost certainly annoy the hell out of him. But considering that this fellow is a bassonist, he might be into that kind of thing too. Who knows. But here in the city of Angels, many guys flee from high-maintenance, ditzy women.
And if this fails, wear a wedding ring and tell the potential suitor that you're already married or engaged to be married in a month and that you're so looking forward to it. If that doesn't work, you my friend, are SOL. Cuz this guy is a tough cookie.
I LOVE YOU!
That's what I say too. I'm the QUEEN of deflecting awkward statements, haha. They happen so often nowadays my brain is just always on the lookout I guess :)