I'm not writing this as a bitter single; I'm writing this as a happily single for now woman sick of being a wheel with a selfish coupled friend.
My friend got married last year. Ever since she was old enough to date, when we hung out, she HAD to bring her boyfriend of the moment with her whenever she could...which meant the BF du jour was often, if not always, there! It wouldn't be bad once or twice, but 99% of the time we hung out, she was with him or talked about him. Then they would get super inappropriate and start hyper-snuggling (I'm being polite here; they were barely a step below second base) or making out. This often happened on the street or in a restaurant, and I could barely hide my looks of disgust. It's not that I'm jealous because I’m alone; it's embarrassing to have that kind of attention on us because of that.
Now that she's settled and committed to marriage, whenever we hang out, her husband is there.
I live out of state now, so when I come home, my time is limited. I don't mind seeing him once and hanging out, but for the whole four days I'm there? It's hard to have girl talk with a guy making comments between us. I totally get couples' time, but there's also friends' time and most importantly, alone time. I don't have this problem with any friends but her, so I don't know how to address this without sounding rude. I respect that he's her husband and I wouldn't purposely be disrespectful, but I personally don't like him much. My friend has a history of twisting things and getting defensive even when she's wrong, so I'm beginning to question the friendship anyway. When I go home, though, she'll know I'm there and will want to see me, but I don't feel like being the third wheel anymore. What I think is rude on her part is she'll just bring her husband with her when we make plans for the two of us. I'm used to having to grin and bear it for seven years whenever she had a guy, but this is seriously not right.
It’s not just her; I know a lot of people who have this problem. It's not fair people like me are called jealous or angry because we don't have someone to date. It's not a dating problem; it's etiquette. We don't want our friends to stop dating or being intimate, but there's a time and place for everything. I certainly don't mind a kiss or sitting close together, but when you forget you have another person with you or that you're in a public place, maybe it's best you go alone. Also, making comments about our needing to bring a date so we don't feel left out is insensitive. We don't need someone to grope during the night to feel complete, and making the suggestion tells me you KNOW what you're doing and think it's cute. I told her that and she fake apologizes, thinking it's cute.
If you need an excellent example of this, Google the comic strip "Zits" & look for Richandamy. They're a couple in a CONSTANT hug, seriously. NEVER separated. This is how my friend is with her significant other. I don't think it's healthy at all.
How do you handle a friend who can' t be away from their significant other? Is there a polite way I can say I want to hang out with my friend solo without being offensive?
Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga
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Comments (74)
i have an ex friend who is like that. it's really annoying actually. and her boyfriend is the brother of one of our friends. so if we all hang out at his place to reunite (we all barely hang out now), she doesnt even hang out with us, she hangs out with her boyfriend.
i mean, if your gonna tell us youre going to come hang out with us, dont be with your boyfriend the entire time. we never hang out, and she sees her boyfriend all the time.
and im def. not jealous. i have an amazing boyfriend of my own. just saying people need to respect their friends a little more and seperate friends and boyfriends sometimes
What are friends for, if not to tell each other the bitter truth? If you can't talk to her directly about it because you don't know to approach your own best friend, maybe you shouldn't BE her friend.
It sure sounds like you're bitter, no matter how many times you just claimed that's not it.
wow. weirdest thing ever. she just called my house haha
um, ick. i have a friend like that. we always just referred to them as billyaimee because they're the same way. except they don't usually make out in public.
i gotta say, this behavior from your friend makes me wonder if she puts unhealthy demands on her SOs and it'll be interesting to see how long this marriage lasts if she literally cannot ever be without him. it is extremely important to maintain your own identity as a person regardless of your marriage/dating status.
by the way, i'm married. and while my husband and i do spend as much time together as we can, we also respect each other's need for alone (and friend) time. we also have our mutual couple friends that we hang out with, but we each have a couple of single friends that we can spend one on one time with. i've never understood couples like this. i don't think you sound bitter at all because i feel the same way and i'm not single.
this was a long rambly comment but i'm mostly just trying to say i sympathize and that this is NOT healthy normal marriage behavior.
:)
Ick.. I don't know anyone like that. But I hope I don't meet anyone like it. I think it's probably healthier that they have seperate lives, and maintain their friendships. They don't have to spend every possible moment with each other. If I did that and had a boyfriend, I think I'd get sick of them fast.
oh, and to actually answer the question you posted (lol): um, you need to ball-up and just tell her, "look, i think it's great that you're married and happy, and i definately understand you wanting to spend time with your hubby, but do you think we could make a girls' date where you and i spend some one-on-one time? i'd like to hang out with just you for a little while."
really, the worst thing she can do is say no or get mad and call you bitter and tell you to f*ck off. which probably means she's not that great of a friend in the first place.
i want to reiterate: i don't think you're being unreasonable and the tone of this entry doesn't suggest bitterness to me at all. i'm as grossed out by the behavior as you are.
:)
i think you are too worried about sounding bitter, so chill lol everyone gets this problem (some more than others) sometimes.....but this is way crazy. i think you ought to be straight with her in this case, tell her flat-out that you want girl-time, not girl+husband time. if she doesn't get it well, hope you have other friends.
She is who I do not want to be 5 years down the road. I have this problem as well, except just in a relationship with my bf. It is hard, believe me. One cannot simply change their needy ways overnight. I've dealt with it for six years and I still cannot see the overall light of it. It sucks a lot.
She needs to know she needs to fix this, that's all I can say. I realize this now, and try every day to let my bf have his space. And it's getting better every day. More and more I realize the importance of keeping my identity and who I am (which I didn't figure out until recently) and keeping him the way he is, and also spending time with each other. Just have to keep it all in balance, which is tough.
Hope I helped.
just ask if you can have real girl time, just the two of you... or ask if there's a time he's busy so that you can entertain her (so that she isn't bored without her counterpart!). or do something you think he wouldn't want to ever do... idk... if he's a stereotypical man maybe he would avoid spas or nail salons or something.
But yeah one of my worst nightmares is getting married and hanging out with my husband ALL THE TIME or all my friends doing that. Sometimes you just need seperate time... would probably bring down the divorce rates if people acknowledged that haha...
My best friend is just like that. She always prefers her boyfriends to her friends. Her last boyfriend refused to hang out with her friends, which she thought was okay, so she only hung out with him and his friends. Now her current boyfriend likes us, but he's ALWAYS there. Like when she calls to make plans, it's implied that he's coming. Once when she called to say she was coming to my house, she brought her boyfriend without telling and I'm not supposed to have boys over when my parents aren't home. Then of course they make out right next to me on the couch.
Some people are so inconsiderate...
@SeeBeeWrite@xanga - You're right. I'm bitter but it's not over this. This is going back 12 years though & a long story but the gist of it is written here. She's selfish & cant be without a man/her husband. We fought about it alot & at one point didnt speak for half a year because she was being stupid with her boyfriend & her other WAY older friends (we were teenagers, they were like late 20s or almost 30) & she had kicked me out her house where I was staying at the time. I figured I'd be the bigger person & be her friend again & get over it but that was almost 4 years ago & I'm tired of forgiving & letter her monopolize my time.
I've been sick & had surgery & therapy the past 6 months & it opened my eyes to ALOT of things. Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can see things & that made me see alot. I dont even talk to her than much anymore but I try to be friendly. I should just give it up & just be civil right? It's not like I can completely stop being her friend because we share a circle at some point & I dont want it to be rude or awkward to my other friends.
I genuinely DO worry about her though. It's not healthy to have a man like that around you constantly. She's been in abusive/controling relationships before & basically lets people control her but like I said, you cant tell her anything & sometimes I was afraid if I stopped talking to her, I'd never see her again. Her mom told me once I was the only true friend her daughter had & please dont leave her but what can I do if she doesnt want me or my advice? What do you think?
Sorry for babling, I tend to talk alot too. LOL
I've always been really good friends with my SOs, so I never saw the point in leaving him out whenever chilling with friends. We're all buddies, why should one of us be left out because we happen to be going out with another friend in our group?
well honestly if you havent asked her, why are you complaining? Im one of those "Attached at the hip" kind of couples but when my friends ask for alone time, I do it. First of all, if she is married to him, she is used to having him around, if she is anything like me, she doesnt like leaving her SO behind or excluding him...but if you asked, im sure she could ask for alone time. The only thing I could say you'd be jealous over is him stealing your friend's time.
@follow_home@xanga - I just wrote a big long comment to someone about what you said too. It's not healthy. While she has been abused in the past, she's also a demanding spoiled brat. I'm not saying this because of what I said here. I've know her since we were 11. She would yell, scream & throw things. We stopped being friends off & on (the longest being 6 months) because she's verbally abusive & throws things. I'm a sensitive person & I tend to thing about everyone's feelings in situations but she's very one sided & I'm sick of it after 12 years...
Just tell her. A real friend would accept it and find a solution with you. I know if any of my friends told me something like that I'd find a way to fix it. Same goes for any of my friends. Just tell her and if she overreacts then maybe the friendship isn't worth continuing.
@wolvenchic@xanga - When I call her to make plans, I say "you & me", but she brings him anyway. I noted that when I say we make plans together & she brings him without saying anything, that's rude. I mean I dont mind hanging out with him either but not the whole time I'm there. She always hangs with his friends so I really dont think she does anything by herself anymore.
@black_lie@xanga - We're not really in a group but like I said, I dont mind hanging out with him, just not constantly. I'm not friendly with him but I dont leave him out when he is there. My friend just bring him along even when I do say "lets hang out just the 2 of us".
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - I may have to. She barely knows this guy. She's always going through guys like crazy. By the time they got married (the SECOND time) they knew each other a year. Now I'm NOT saying people who get married in short periods are fast or wont work but I've known her half our lives & I know her personality...& temper. Whenever it didnt work out with a guy, she'd on me like white or rice but when the guy is there, I see him & her all the time. Hardly any girltime unless I explicitly tell her & then she gets mad but decides to hang out & by then it's awkward.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - then maybee you need to ask her not to bring him, and explain what you wrote here, to her. If she cant get that, you might want to reconsider if you want to spend time with her in general if she cant spare a few hours. I get somwhat where she is comming from, only if I miss chilling out with my bf and his friends, they do miss me. It is hard for me to tell my boyfriend that he cant hang out with me and my friends...when he has NEVER gone out without me. It considering your SO's feelings. But when my best friend asks to chill with me, I do alone. She doesnt like my bf, but I make time for her because she is my friend. But you really need to ask her specifically "without him, I need girl time ONLY, if you want to bring him, forget it" or adress the issue with her, otherwise youll need to start biting your tounge, or throw the friendship.
@wolvenchic@xanga - You & the others are right. I may just bite the bullet & say so. I'm not one of those girls who says "it's me or him!!" & when we hang out, it's only for a few hours, so if she cant spare that little time, then it's not worth it. Thanks =)
why is it that when you are single..you find all couples completely and grossly disgusting.
Just don't hang out with her. It's really that simple.
You can say it as politely as you can, but if she's the type to stick like duct tape, she'll be offended anyway. If you're willing to go through the fight for it, then talk to her. If she really is too unbearable and too inconsiderate to be worth it, then give her the hint that it's either the two of you, or nothing at all. She might throw a hissy fit, but we're all kind of expecting it, I think. Haha, I hope it works out. Good luck!
ohhhh I completely agree with you on this one
hanging out with the boyfriend is fun every once in a while because it's good to get to know him
but there's something sacred about having girl time without a guy
and honestly, I'd be pissed if I were in your situation!
just tell her that talking and gossiping isn't the same when a guy is present, that you want to get out and go do something with just her
she should understand that...and if she doesn't, it means she's being pretty hard headed and not really thinking about how you feel!
good luck with that :) xox
oh. my. god. i hate when people do that. I get that you want to spend time with your SO, but that doesn't mean that time has to cut in on friend time. I mean seriously, don't people get tired of being around the same person ALL the time.
I am in a relationship and we live together. I love spending time with Boyfriend and I love that he's the last thing i see before falling asleep and the first thing i see when i wake up, BUT I also love going out with just my girlfriends and having days all to myself. Relationships take balance. end of story.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - honestly that is your best bet. Sometimes when chilling out with my friends, I hang out with them for a little bit, then invite my boyfriend later so at least we have some alone time. that way its a compromise rather than "Its either him or me"! If you feel she might be offended, you might want to talk to him and ask if he could set some time with his guys while you two chill out. I know your not best friends with him or anything like that, its like you said, you dont hate him, but arent fond either. Either way, you have to compromise somewhere.
i'm not single and i have the same problem with one of my friends, so i really don't think anyone should be calling you a bitter single T_T no one likes my friends husband very much, and plus he's insanely jealous so she rarely goes out without him (because otherwise he goes nuts basically)
ugh...couples who can't act properly are so frustrating when you're friends with one of them >_<