Sunday, 22 March 2009
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Making Our Relationship Work After A Rocky Three Years
We were juniors in high school when we met. We began dating and everything was going so great. It was during our senior year that things got kinda messed up...or should I say that I kinda began to mess everything up. For the next nine months, it was this on and off relationship that was terrible on both of us. We both loved each other no matter what happened between us. Everyone at school knew that we loved each other and that we would be back together soon.
Shortly after our senior year ended, she moved down to Georgia with her parents. I was still living with my parents until I could get my own place, and my parents really hated her. Around the middle of the summer I moved into this apartment with my best friend. Two months later I had my GF move back up there to live with me. Things were going great for the next three months - we found out she was pregnant, and we were planning on getting married and all that stuff. Then we got kicked out of the apartment... because the idiots didn't like the fact of living with a pregnant woman.
We moved back in with my parents until I could find us another place to live. That was when it all started. My mother really hated her and, well, the feelings were mutual towards my mother. Things just went downhill from there. She would say something and then my mother would say something and I was just getting really annoyed with it all.
Five months later, she moved back down with her parents because the living situation with me was only getting worse. Two months after that, I joined the military and left for basic training. The baby was born while I was in basic - I saw my daughter for the first time almost two months after she was born. Then things went a bit south again and I did not get to see my daughter again for another five months.
It has been a year and five months since the last time I saw my daughter, and her mother and I are just now talking again after a fight ten months ago. We still love each other as much as we did years ago.
Am I doing the right thing with trying to make this work for us - trying to make a family out of us? Now, keep in mind that we have broken up and gotten back together around thirtysome times and I've cheated on her three times. I regret the things that I have done and the things that have transpired throughout this relationship that has made her hate me to some terms.
We are together again and trying to make this work between us. Is it the right thing to do? Is this going to work?
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About the Author
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- From: Neclon@xanga
- Name: James
- About Me: Life is an open book...so just ask...
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Comments (22)
It seems like you really don't want to let each other go, but sometimes, that's not enough. Even though you are now both responsible for another life besides your own, it doesn't mean you have to be together. Perhaps the love you have for each other isn't the kind of love that is necessary for two people to make it work as a couple for the rest of your life. It could just be that you're both afraid of losing each other and never finding someone else. I would suggest that you two focus on how to raise your daughter as just a mother and a father until you can figure out exactly what's in store for you in the future.
Sounds too tumultuous to last permanently
First ask yourselves if you really want it to work and if the answer is yes you probably ought to do some intense couples counseling.
@nbdyzangel@xanga - this is good advice.
sometimes, loveisn't enough. you have to be able to live with the person, too. take a step back and take stock of the relationship. you both might be better off just being friends.
Unlike those who say that love isn't enough, I can't help but agree. But I think that love is enough for a beginning start. If you two truly have feelings for each other, the only way it will work is if you believe in the relationship. It doesn't matter what happened before or whatever anyone says, it's about your personal faith that the relationship will last. All I can say is, best of luck!
@echois23@xanga - I agree. Maybe youy two should try couples counseling to see how you could slvage your relationship if you really want to work things out.
But re4gardless, just keep in mind that you both now have a daughter to raise and no matter what happens between the two of you, do the best you can to raise your daughter. Good luck.
i feel bad for your daughter. she doesn't get to see you, and she's going to grow up and have to hear all this history that might hurt... if you really want to patch it up, try your hardestand do it for your daughter.
It's the "right" thing for your daughter to have a healthy, functional family. When she starts to understand and mimic your actions is when you're going to have to watch how you act, what you say, how you feel and how you show it. However, if she has to put up with a family of broken pieces, it's best if the two of you are permanently off the relationship.
I wish love would be enough in this case, but your actions really have to follow through. It's a good start...let's hope the progress stays positive. But if it's really going to work, I don't think there can be any more bouts of silence, like that 10-month period. Both of you have to act responsibly and just plow through the conflicts, because you now have control over a child's life. Good luck!
if you put your heart to it then it will work. It seems like you guys are both willing to work things out, so why not? Try to talk to your parents as to why they dislike her and try to get them and your girl to like each other. and yes i do think you should try to make it work. At least for the sake of the baby. especially since you guys do love each other
Oh my gosh, this is horrible, and I'm so sorry. =(
I have no advice to give whatsoever, sadly, because this seems like a really difficult situation. The only thing I can say is that I hope you can become an active part of your daughter's life, and at the least, remain on good terms with the mother. If you succeed with this, than there is no reason that your child shouldn't have a normal family relationship with the both of you. Look to God for your troubles, and He'll show you the way.
I'll be praying for your situation, and I know that things will get better for you.
hey, i applaud you for persevering, especially after how hard it's been for you both. if you really love her and you know she loves you, determine in your heart to make it work no matter what. tell her this. but you have to want it. you have to know that you will not cheat on her again. that you will do everything to reassure her that this is for real and you can be trusted again. but if you decide this, stick to your guns and be the leader you were meant to be. for her and for your family.
can i make one suggestion though? seek out other successful married couples who can maybe help encourage, support and keep you accountable. or seek out a male mentor for yourself and encourage your gf to find someone she respects. it would be optimal if you joined a church or at least if you sought God for wisdom, guidance, assistance, etc. but, that's your decision to make.
heck yeah it will work -- be committed to make it work no matter what and at least it will from your end of it.
the closer you both are to God, the better your marriage will be. it will be so much harder on your own strength.
take care and God bless you both and your child. praying for you all right now. <3 p.s. tell your gf to message me anytime if she has any questions, needs encouragement, etc. i've been a single mother..so i understand a lot of the struggles.
1 last thing. lay down your plan for her; what you expect, what you want, your goals and mission for your family. discuss these with her; get her input. show remorse for the past and show her that no matter what, you will be there for her and the baby. start even today. show her that you are a team/a family. that nobody else comes between you anymore. you leave your families and cleave to one another now. don't let anything else stand in your way =)
Well, the thing is, it's no fair to your daughter if the two of you are going to be fighting with each other all of the time. It's no fair to that little girl to grow up in a household where the parents are always at each others throats. It's no good for her to see daddy leave all of the time, nor is it any good for her to wonder why her mom always leaves him. If you two are going to get back in a relationship together, you both need to give it all you've got - because your daughter deserves that much. She needs to see her parents behave as mature, civilized adults. That can happen with either you two being together, in love, or it can happen with the both of you finding other partners.
I fully believe that the two of you can make your relationship work out. You're going to have to work for it though. You obviously have major differences, otherwise you wouldn't have broken up 30+ times. You two need to work on these. You argue a lot? Well, why do you argue? How do you argue? You need to work through that; both of you. Arguing isn't healthy, but discussing things maturely - without getting angry and screaming - is very healthy.
One thing people have mentioned is couples counseling. That would be a good idea to try it out when you get the money to do so. One thing you two should do is realize that you can't start arguing over everything. You may not agree with each other, but there's definitely a way that you can sort your differences without letting the discussion escalate into something nasty.
Basically, look at the issues that have broken the two of you up in the past, and discover (together) ways that you can prevent them from happening again.
You should both try harder than you ever have before, because now you've got a little girl in the middle of it all.
Why'd you cheat, dumbass.
What's right and what's going to work depend on you and the mother of your child.
It's hard to tell if you really want to be in a relationship where you have this "on and off" again relationship with each other. Are you two getting back because you two truly love each other or is it just the familiarities and sparks that brought you two back?
If you two are getting back together, I would suggest you both work out all the issues you two had prior to your break ups in the past. Learn from them and try to prevent them from happening again. Or perhaps, go seek counseling as a couple. There are always ways to fix a relationship but it just the matter of how driven both of you are to learn from your mistakes and fix again.
Last but not least, you two have a child now. It's not about you two anymore - it's also about your child. For her to be raised in a healthy foundation, she really needs to see that from you two as well.
when you love someone and there is a child invovled it is alot harder to walk away from the siatuation especialy when your not done...it can work....It going to take some work tho...nothing is fireproof but hopefully what you have can withstand the tough times...i have been there and delt with the livingw ith parents my parents disliked him and i lived with his parents and it wasnt that they disliked me they just live a lifestyle i wasnt comfortable with the best thing for our relationship was being in our own place...Being our own family...we both had to tell our families we love them but they have to but out and stop disrespecting our relationship...that they did not have to accept it but they needed to respect our choices we are adults and we have a child and we both want to do everything to keep our family together.
It'll work if you two put effort into it. It ain't working if you cheat on her again (ie: not putting effort into your relationship).
Why did you go join the military when you knew that your girlfriend was going to have the baby? Seems like it's partially your fault, as well as the environment around you.
If you want it to work, you're going to have to work really hard. But a child should grow up with both parents.
If you cheated on her THREE times, you are damn lucky she took you back after the first time. She sounds like a pretty amazing woman, but regardless she is the mother of your child. You should try to make it work if not for you, than for your daughter. She's innocent & she deserves to have her family together. Good luck.
i dont think it sounds like it's going to work. :S sorry man some things are just not meant to be
It can work, but you have to really want it to.
I'm in the process of getting back with my daughter's father after over a year of silence.
You have to work on the relationship like it is a marriage. Like you have no choice but to make it work.
There is a really good site... google "marriage builders", and do the worksheets and stuff on there, if you think she would be on board for that. Or just read the information, it will help. It has already helped me and I have barely begun.
Couples counseling is expensive and rarely works (only 10 - 20% of couples say it helped, depending on the study), but there are free systems available on line that will bring you closer, give you an idea of how to treat each other, how to talk, how to compromise, and how to really love each other.
I would take it WAY SLOW though, and don't allow yourself to get caught up in emotions and the "new" aspect of the relationship.
Love isn't enough sometimes.