Growing up, I never had a best friend (some people feel the need to express sympathy over this? I don't know why). Girls in this society are pretty much expected to have
one other female that they do
everything with, or a group of females they do everything with, etc. I never had that. Sometimes I thought I wanted it, but in the few times that it actually came to formation, I resented my friend for being "clingy." I was friendly with anyone and everyone, and I had a hard time distinguishing between acquaintance, friend, and best friend.
It was hard for me to see lines between my friendships; it was hard for me to see the people I told all my secrets to as any more valuable than the people who made me laugh (for example). Without the people who made me laugh, I'd be miserable, and if I was miserable I wouldn't want to share my secrets with the people I was sharing my secrets with. It was very clear to me from a young age that
everyone was important and that a particular individual's role in my life couldn't honestly be dismissed as "less than". I still feel this way about friendships, strongly.
In middle school, when I was dating boys as a heterosexual female (no comment), I often liked four or five guys at once and dated whichever one of them reciprocated interest.
I dated about six guys between 7th and 9th grade*. When I first fell in love with a girl, I was dating a boy at the time
and had feelings for the best friend of this girl I loved. Out of the three people I was interested in at the time, I commonly only speak about having been in love with this one girl, but in reality, I definitely did love my boyfriend and was thankful for both him and the relationship,
and I was also majorly in love with the friendship I had with this other girl (if not the girl herself). This is just an example from one
short period of one year of my life; of course, I have other examples.
Slowly I've come to recognize that I don't do well with having "favorites." I really struggle prioritizing relationships because I see everyone around me as unique and amazing. I've never done the "best friend" thing and I think it would probably be difficult for me to have only one lover, using the same logic. If I
did have a (single) lover, I would probably be happy with them, though. Because if they are my lover, it means that they are just as amazing as my friends, meet my (admittedly, really high) standards (which I have blogged about and would happily blog about again), and make my life
substantially better by being in it. I expect emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, and sexual compatibility, and I expect their being in my life to reflect back on me favorably.
If I settled for anything less it would be hypocritical to much advice I've given recently and contradictory to my entire philosophy of life.
Presently I divide myself among my friends and those I venture to call lovers. Talking, flirting, cuddling, sharing, deep and emotive conversations, affirmation, affection, quality time, and even sex (on extremely rare occasions) all happens. I have so many people in my life who mean so much to me on so many different levels (some who live nearby and some across the continent) that none of my relationships are even remotely similar. And I
like that.
It is
fun to love and nurture more than one relationship and enjoy them in all their differences. Different people have different energies and bring out different aspects of my personality; we share different interests and activities, develop different connections, and wind up with entirely different levels of intimacy. I'll admit I don't know if I'll live this way
forever, but the
philosophy behind it is something that resonates with me. And right now it works.
*Serial dating: Dating one person after another after another because you are lonely or miserable or bored. Not any more ethical than polyamory. (In fact, I would debate it's
less ethical, if there's someone who is up for the challenge and wants to argue on the Pro Serial Dating team?)
How One Friend of Mine Lives (She's 38)
"I am *very* poly, I have been for years now. I have both a biologically male boyfriend and a trans-male boyfriend. We all live together and it works very well. Without them I would not be able to be both a full-time student and mother. They both decided to support me and my kids and send me to school. I am a huge believer in the poly lifestyle. I just don't feel it's "fair" to expect one person to meet our needs. That said, I have other loves besides the two I currently live with; they all are on different levels of intimacy, mostly female (but some male), and not all sexual -- but they are my loves all the same. I don't see them all the time and that could be one of the reasons this all works for me.
"It's weird to be sharing this with you because it is not something I announce to the world for reasons I most likely don't have to explain to you. (Basically, because the situation is not "traditional" most "friends" just wouldn't get it... or worse, they wouldn't approve.) The hardest part about living this way is finding someone to talk to that actually understands on an emotional level. Most people just can't grasp the concept."For more information, or to see where I stole a lot of information from, check out:
Polyamory? What, like two girlfriends? For information about
jealousy click here.
True 
Comments (26)
Even though it doesn't matter, I'm still not convinced about polyamory. But I'm glad it works for you, and makes you happy.
I couldn't do it.
I'm a one man sorta man I guess. haha.That's fine, because it works for you.
I'm happy to be a one-man woman, though; I'd rather give my love to one person than share it with a host of others, and I'd expect the same from anyone I was in a committed relationship with. Call it jealousy, but that's how I roll! lol
I couldn't do it either, and I couldn't be with someone that was with someone else too... does that make sense ? >.
Anyway, each to their own, without differences, everyone would be the same and life would be boring!
I don't have a best friend either! :P
I could not be in love with more than one man. But then, I do not expect the person I marry to meet all my needs. I only expect that we will walk through life side by side loving, comforting and simply being together. I have many others in my life whom I love. But the one I marry will be the only one I am "in love" with.
idk, it's not for me. But if it works for you...
What a wicked life style(unique), i know i couldnt do it but if it works for you then screw the world right? People live life according to their own pace.
Personally, I think it'd just be too much to keep track of all of the time....
Yeah I couldn't do this either. There is something much much more special being with one person than several, I don't see the pleasure in that.
i feel like being with many people you are trying to cover all the bases to make sure you are happy. each guy/girl serves a certain purpose in your happiness. with just one you are happy but you are missing a piece and in having this other guy/girl there in the relationship he fills that space....
I dont really agree with this lifestyle but its your life and you do what makes you happy. I just feel thats what relationships are all about- even though u may not find the perfect person who makes you ENTIRELY happy in every aspect of your life, you still love them anyway. imperfections and all. you dont feel the need to go find fulfillment somewhere else...
I mean I understand you love people and you enjoy their compant but there is a difference between loving someone and being head over heels cant live without them INLOVE. I dont know I dont see how this works...
plus its against my religion...
To each his own.
ive never really thought of a poly-lifestyle and everyone seems to shun it when it is mentioned. if the boat came around my way and i had the opportunity too, id test the waters. dont knock it until you try it.
i understand waht u mean about the whole "one person cant fit your expectations". thats why alot of my friends are from different "crews" so to speak.
Ohh, I'm a lot like you. Well, in the friendship area. I'm the exact same way as you described, actually. I think your reasons for being polyamorous are very interesting, and definitely logical. It's kind of like you get to experience many different people, and enjoy many different peoples company, etc.
I am the "friend" polyamorous, as I treat all my friends/acquaintances as all my friends. I've had tons of best friends all over the country, as I've moved a lot since I was a little girl. But, I was always friends with all types of people in my school. I was never cliquey I should say. I could talk to anybody about anything and treat them like true friends because that's just how I am.
As far as boyfriends/loved ones go... that kind of love I can only see myself sharing with one person. Especially, the intimacy... it kind of loses value when you share the same type of intimacy with a bunch of people than when you save it for one special person. And no one is perfect, you haven't been in love until you can take someone as they are.
Great pair of articles. Thanks!
Polyamory is getting a lot more mainstream attention these days (see link below), and this is all to the good. Poly folks will realize they're not all alone, and mono-oriented people will maybe realize the value in discussion and conscious choice about relationship-style... rather than (naively) assuming that everyone else wants monogamy too. Talk-- ask-- don't just assume.
Alan
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Keep up with Polyamory in the News!
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/
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Totally with you on the polyamorous approach to relationships! A lot of things monogamous-minded people assume have never made sense to me. (ie, having sex with one person means you're suddenly not attracted to other people. Uh, what?). I really enjoyed the article.
I understand you entirely and I think that I am on the path to leading a similar lifestyle. In the past I have had many relationships but I have also always loved more than one person at a time, each person just fulfilling my various needs in either the friendship or the relationship, complimenting my different personality traits.
I've tried not to analyze it though and I've just accepted that my life will be complicated but will work itself out of kinks in the end.
Just as long as I am happy and the people I am involved with are happy, I deal with it appropriately.
Dunno how I feel about this subject. Its cool on one side of the coin. But if all of your lovers also had other lovers I could imagine things getting really scary for you.
@erahslover@xanga - 'I could imagen things getting really scarey for you'
How so?
@Riot - think about loving multiple people.. but having jealousy issues. think about loving multiple people, but those people don't think how YOU think and they're looking for something more monogamous. think about loving multiple people ... like ACTUALLY loving them, and during your lifestyle of being with multiple people, you ruin the lives of people who are waiting around for you.. to come around and be something concrete. think about if all those people move on and actually find what they want in other people after you've already invested your life into them.
Separation anxiety PLUS coming to realize that in your quest for pleasure through different people at the same time has caused pain for others that outweighs what good things came of it. That is some REAL heavy shit to carry around on the heart.
If shes the type who can write people off and move on without less than a word from her conscience telling her she could possibly be leaving people's lives in a giant shitstorm than more power to her. But its impossible for me, someone from the outside looking in to completely ignore that variable.
@Riot - not to mention stds and pregnancy...
@erahslover@xanga - First up, Pregnancy? Condoms and birth control work wonders. That's if you're actually having heterosexual sense.
STI's require common sense. If you're having sex with someone, at the very least, you use protection and have regular screenings for STI's. Use condoms, dental dams, gloves... All depending on exactly what you and your lover(s) enjoy doing to each other. You should be doing that if you're monogamous, polyamorous or just having sex for the sheer pleasure of it without being in a relationship.
If you're in a relationship with someone? You use protection. You negotiate safer sex. You get tested for STI's and if you both decide to commit sexually and romantically to each other and you trust each other, then you can start discussing other option.
The same applies for one relationship or three. Many people choose to use protection during sex with all partners, to protect themselve's and everyone else.
It's called taking responsibility for your own health.
@Riot -...you take the ONE part of my reply you can actually build a scientific(yet pretty embarrassingly ignorant) case around and you just explode upon it. VERY typical. As if condoms and birth control are completely infallible. As if dental dams/condoms are used every single time by every single person on the planet. Oral sex or otherwise.
If she says she gets different things from different people and these said people are in and out of her lives regularly I seriously doubt shes getting tested over and over and getting those people tested over and over every single time she meets someone new. Read your own reply back to yourself before you hit submit.
Even MORE typical that you just signed up TODAY, seemingly, to give ME shit about my initial post, which was no less vague than any other reply here.
as far as not "grasping the concept" from her choice of lifestyle. I get it. its crystal clear(.. except seeing how this post is ABOUT a girl even tho the writer is a male, but lived life as a hetero girl middle school but now has had surgery and now is a boy, and stating such would probably help peole take a slighty different approach at understanding it all...)and im perfectly fine with it... all Im saying is, as with such a lifestyle choice the pros might not outweigh the cons when you take OTHERS into consideration besides one's self.
As long as ol boy is upfront with the people he sees and isnt luring unexpecting people into an "trap" when they initially wanted a monogamous relationship and find out that can never be after theyve already invested so much emotionally... then i sayto each is own. But you had no problem skipping over that part to try and "DEBATE" with me over 6 words versus the 4 blocks of text preceeding it.
@erahslover@xanga - I replied to the simplest part first. Then I had to deal with offline life.
What I described for you in my last response is typical behaviour for people whom have sexual relationships with more than one partner. The onus is on the individual to care for their own health. This extends up to clear communication with the other person, drawing boundaries and reinforcing them. As an extension of that, a personal sense of ethics, empathy and the love you have for your partner would hopefully inform any decisions made about endangering them by unsafe sex practices. The premise is that you are responsible for yourself, and you are aware of the impact your actions have on those around you.
I would like to note that your initial, more detailed response, seems based on the assumption that no-one involved is talking to each other, and that honesty is not entering into the equation at all. This is the antithesis of polyamorous relationships. The people involved are made aware of the other partners. They may well have other partners themselves. Consent can only be fairly given if everyone involved is informed. Not to do so would be cheating on one partner with other people. Again, not polyamory and not what was discussed above.
It is true that you'd encounter people who are looking for monogamy, these people may even decide to try a different form of relationship. Such a circumstance would have be handled with a lot of honesty from both parties and an awareness that this, like every other romantic relationship, might not work out. Someone entering a relationship with a patronising agenda such as choosing to 'wait around' for the partner to change their mind, or be convinced that the form of relationship they are in wrong for them, doesn't sound like the sort of person I would want to be in a relationship with frankly.