Sunday, 22 March 2009
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My BF's Past Makes Me Feel Insecure
I'm currently in a relationship with someone who is a lot older than me, and knowing this obviously means he has more experience in relationships and life compared to me. Before I got together with him, we got to know each other more and he opened up a lot about his past, including his jobs and previous girlfriends. Some of his life experiences were quite surprising/shocking for me, and after knowing, I felt somewhat insecure.I'm quite conservative - my parents were strict and I never allowed myself to do a lot of things. I would feel guilty and sorry if I did anything bad, and now this guy I'm in a relationship with has done way more bad things than I have ever imagined. I can definitely say we are complete opposites in terms of our life experiences!
However, I can tell he is trying to tell me he is over with his previous lifestyle. Even though I am strict on myself, I try not to be strict on other people - I don't want to be judgmental because I know everyone has had a different past. I try not to change him either; for example, he smokes and I will not force him to stop. If you love someone, you will accept who he is, no matter what he has done. Everything happens for a reason...e.g. he has family problems since he was young and that made him into a rebellious kid.
I wouldn't be able to tell my parents about his past or they will totally not support us. My boyfriend and I are not very serious yet and we have not really touched upon our future. He lives in the present and I like to plan, so I can only feel insecure because I feel there is not much guarantee in this relationship.
My friends have told me to be happy of what I have right now, but yet his past makes me feel insecure. I wouldn't be able to open up with him about my feelings because I feel it'll scare him away. After all, we are not completely serious at this moment, and I feel there is no need for me to be overly serious. I'm known for always thinking too much and being way too serious.
So what do you think? Am I thinking too much or are there others who think similarly in this type of situation? Should I relax and forget about this, or confess to him about how I feel?
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- From: PumpkinPie
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Comments (128)
Well, here's my view on it. As you said, talking to him about it would possibly scare him off. Things aren't serious yet. So, enjoy what you've got. Roll with the punches and see what happens. You have fun with him, right? You enjoy being around him, yeah? It's best to enjoy things while you've got the opportunity to have them than it is to let insecurity mess them up. Think about it like this: If it works out and you two end up in a successful, serious relationship, that's awesome and you can talk it over with him if it still bothers you. If things don't work out, you had a good time when you had it, and there are definitely other fish in the sea. So, just relax.
He obviously doesn't see anything wrong with you or your views, he's with you isn't he? Sure, he was a wild thing in his past; he says he's changing his ways. He can change. I don't know how wild he was, but I'll bet that if things got way wild, he honestly is wanting to change and just tone things down.
Maybe you're the exact type of girl he needs, someone to tame him down?
So long as you don't begin tightening a leash on him things should be fine. Let him breathe, and he'll let you breathe. I think you're fine.
It sounds like the two of you don't have that much in common. Why exactly are you together?
i went through the same thing with my current bf. i just loosened up, it makes things a lot better. just worrying about his past all the time is too stressful. after all, he chose to be with you now, so why worry about things that are over?
When the time comes you'll have to open up and be honest. And at that moment you guys can decide if you guys can still be together despite difference. Good luck :)Â
It depends on what your outlook is on the relationship. If you see it going somewhere, then take your time, but communicate the fact that you're not ready to open up yet. Let him know that in time, if things get more serious, you'll be more able to allow yourself to tell him about your past. He'll probably understand that people are different, and that you're just going to have to take a little more time to be comfortable telling him intimate details about your life. However, if you see a dead end, then I don't think the relationship should drag on as it is now.
One thing I'm not really getting is why you're insecure. Is it because of his past, your inability (for lack of a better word) to open up, or his lack of planning? Anyway, I think it would be a good idea to think about where the two of you are headed, to minimize the pain (if there is any involved. Hopefully not). Good luck!
The first thing to realize is that it's not his past that makes you feel insecure, it's you yourself.
I am in a similar situation. I've recognized the most important thing to do is just appreciate the time you have with him, and really, live and let live.
Best of luck.
so...just wait. you said you aren't serious yet, so quit worrying about it. if you try to plan out someone early on who isn't big on planning, you might end up pushing him away.
I would say to not get too serious with him too fast. You're unsure of how he will treat you because of his past..you're not sure of his intentions with you. I've been judged for being the person I was in the past even though I've changed considerably since my teenage years. I had to do a lot to prove myself to my boyfriend that I'm worth the time. But that's the price I paid because I shared too much with him. However, I don't regret it. It made me who I am and it made me love him even more for being able to look past it and still love me in the end.
Just be vigilant/aware of how he treats other people and how he treats you. He is not who he was in the past, or maybe he is..I wouldn't know. I believe that people can change. I've seen it happen. If he treats you well now then there really isn't much to worry about. The past is the past after all. You can't keep grudges against him for doing something that does not define him today.Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Tell him how you feel, without the criticisms about him then, him now, or him later.
I actually know how you feel, and I was a little insecure at first, but I have gotten over it. It's his PAST. Let it go.
That's the best advice I can give.
It's his past, you're in his present and (potentially) future. Be happy with what you have now and enjoy what you have with him. Everything else will fall into place in time.
Hmm, well I do know one thing: Don't let him compromise your views. Guys cann be a bit manipulative at times (and so can girls), but stay true to your values and morals. >.>
I think you should not worry about it for now and see if your relationship will go somewhere. And if it does, then you can bring it up to him ... casually.
just take things as it come, nothing in life really comes easy so just go with the flow and if this does get serious then its going gradually and not bang smack into the wall if hes not quite caught up on the same page as you!
my best friend, a guy, has been with over fifty women, his girlfriend was also insecure about it, she got over it, now they're engaged
it's not about the past, it's about the here and now
omq i completely understand where your're cominq from.. im in the EXACT same situation kindof.. i was never the conservative picky type + my boyfriends not much older den me.. but my boyfriends past scares the crappp outta me. he's 19 wit 3 kids + hes been in and out of jail..also, hes NEVA loved a qirl which scares me more cuz im not sure if hes the committed type.. cuz you know his past. + im tryinq not to judqe him based on his past but i have the crazyyy trust issues so trust me yo i know exactlyyy what your qoinq thru !! + its hard to talk to anyone about it cuz.. everyone is judqemental , so its hard.. i can't even talk to my mom cuz i know she will startinq qoinq on about his past.. + i can't talk to him cuz i dont wanna push him away.. it sucks but i know what your qoinq thru.. i say you do like me.. jus find a person to talk to it about + dont let it qet in the way of you and him.. jus qo with the flow + dont qet your heart involved until you know its riqht.
i completely agree with the first comment.
well...i will feel the same too if i were you...and my family is very strict too....
My girlfriend and I are similar in age, but I've had quite a bit more life experience than she has. I went to college and have lived abroad and have a child and have past relationships, and I sometimes feel guilty, like I'm holding her back from doing all these other things. So I find myself overcompensating by pushing her into them! She'll be all "I dont want to go out tonight!" and I'll be like, "Noooo!! Go! Have fun with your friends! Let your hair down!" or "Don't worry about spending a few weeks away from me, go to Italy! Go to the states! Read this book! Do this! Do that! You'll love it!"
It's quite a good thing she finds it endearing!! ;D
So I wouldn't feel insecure about your boyfriend's past. He's probably feeling pretty insecure about it too. If he loves you he'll want to make your life the best it can be anyway! :)
Probably relaxing would be the best. No one can predict the future or see the future. take it easy, have fun dating, if he is meant to be yours, he will be no matter how little you try on the other hand, if he isn't yours, no matter how hard u hold on to it, you must let it go.
just take one day at a time with him and relax and enjoy the relationship!
@pillowpixies@xanga - couldn't have said it any better!
just don't let it bother you, ...he's rebellious you say? ..tsk, not a very good sign.
Only time can tell for sure. If you are uncomfortable with him because of the experiences, tred carefully. If he is a convicted killer it is much harder to keep that from creeping up on you. If he isn't, then it cannot be all that hard.
It doesnt matter how close you are to your parents. This is your life not theirs. Don't let yourseft get caught up right away. See if he is really sincere about the situation. If he is then embrace it. Try new things you never would have done before. If your complete opposites learn new things bout eachother. Chances are if your have different experiences you know different things. Learn from eachother and grow from that.