Saturday, 21 March 2009

• Kissing - Connection's More Important Than Technique

  I recently read an advice blog in which an 18-year-old girl asked advice about kissing. Apparently she was insecure about her experience level, never having been kissed before. She seemed to think that most people had already kissed someone by middle school.

  Actually, she is in better company than she thinks. Many people don't kiss until high school. I didn't have my first kiss until 18 and most of my friends didn't either. When I did a pulse poll about this issue a few months ago, I found many people had had their first kiss earlier but some did not. That's OK. Whenever it happens, it happens. There's no age it needs to happen by. Some people start early and some start later. Some never do it and it's OK by them. You know what is best for you.

  Underlying this girl's question was a concern that she would be seen as a "bad" kisser.  I've only kissed two people, but I do have a sense of what a bad kiss is. A bad kiss is what occurs when you have one or both people who do the act selfishly. I don't think there's actually a bad way to kiss - some people like wet kisses, other people like tender kisses, others like lots of tongue, others like closed mouth kisses. I believe kissing is very personal and different people like different things. A kiss lacks sparkle when people don't adjust their style to the other person, and that reflects a lack of concern or thought about the other person that detracts from the experience.

  I was in a loving relationship with lots of nice kisses and a few not so good kisses. Because of the mutual respect and affection, we worked with each other to give each other the nicest experience we could. Words weren't always necessary. It was often just a matter of modifying our approach to take into consideration not only our own pleasure and comfort but that of the other person. Sometimes though, we did talk about what things we preferred. The trust was what made the experience a pleasant one that left me with nice memories.

  By contrast, I was briefly involved with another person who was far less considerate. This person pursued me relentlessly and selfishly. I think his ultimate goal was to get into my pants. The only reason I even considered this person was because I was going through a terribly lonely time. We had two kisses, one sweet, tentative one, and a second one. That second kiss was terrible. It was as if he was trying to digest my face and probe my esophagus. He just clamped down on my face and went for it without so much as a thought to whether I might enjoy the experience. Which I did not.

  Now the interesting thing is that the first person didn't have much more experience with kissing than I did. The second person had lots and lots of experience.

  So if this girl were my little sister I would tell her not to worry about whether or not she will be a "good kisser" or about how much experience she lacks. I would tell her instead to think about how she feels about the person she wants to kiss. Does she trust him? How does he treat her? Will he cope well with the small awkwardnesses that come with intimacy? Is she comfortable enough with him to do so too? The technical stuff can always be Googled or guesstimated. It's the intangible stuff like that which should be foremost on her mind.

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