(first part is
here)
"Love yourself before you love another." God I hate that phrase. To me I interpret it as, "Ignore your boyfriend, be 100% selfish." I care about my boyfriend a lot. And to ignore him even for one millisecond I feel just awful for.
Many times I thought about seeing a shrink for it. And at times I still do. I love myself, I REALLY do. I love the way I look. But for the way I act, I seem to get pretty insecure. If I say something stupid, or make a mistake, or piss someone off. I have gone once already, didn't really seem to help in all honesty.
I suppose it doesn't help that I just graduated college and don't see my friends as much to have a life outside of him, and I'm currently doing an internship that's 100 miles away from my boyfriend. In this internship, I am the youngest female there, surrounded by the engineering department full of 40-50 year olds with families, so hanging out with them's kinda out of the question, not to mention creepy. Luckily, it's temporary. My current boyfriend is my best friend, and he has been for the past four years. I am SO determined not to scare him away like I did my past boyfriends. I can't afford to lose him at any cost. And to think I'd lose him due to my clinginess - I would never forgive myself.
All things aside, in my 6 years experience with the clingy syndrome, I have learned some things along the way.
I have come a long way with this, and have seen some small but good improvements. I used to be VERY clingy; I've realized for me it may have stemmed from being the oldest in my family and watching my younger brother get spoiled rotten from my mom, as my mom and I did not get along very well.
Now I am learning to do things for myself...taking care of myself physically (sleeping, healthy eating, working out) and hygienically, doing some girly things like painting nails, cooking more extravagant meals, going for walks by myself to ease my mind, etc. All these things pass time fairly well. And before I know it it's time to go spend time with the boyfriend, and by then we're both really excited to see each other. It's then I realize the clinginess needs to stop. I get it, people. Clinginess = bad.
So to all the clingy humans out there; do not fret. We are special ones that need more comfort than the average human. We've been through rough times, be it in our childhood or past relationships. We just desire someone who can be patient and understanding with our condition. And to the ones that have a clingy person in their life; do not give up hope. The last thing we would ever want is for you to drop us off the face of the Earth, leaving us cold, heartbroken and hungry. Be patient, love us (a lot), give us many hugs. The clinger needs to step up and spend some time finding themselves, while the clingee should support them and tell them how wonderful they are no matter what. It's rough, it's tough, but you come out a better person for it.
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Comments (27)
So what you're saying is, Star Wars is better than Twilight?
My guy is a bit clingy at times, but it's sort of endearing. He was hurt pretty bad by his previous girlfriend and I think that might be part of it. He also comes from a culture that does some pretty serious protecting of it's women and so he worries about me a lot.
"Love yourself before you love another."
What's wrong with that phrase? Loving yourself doesn't mean ignoring your boyfriend. It just means scheduling time for you and doing things that you enjoy. If you don't enjoy being alone, it'll be hard on the relationship because you're always depending on your SO to be there with you, nurture you, etc. It's good that you're doing things for yourself but seriously, your life doesn't revolve around your boyfriend. Go out and join clubs or something.. that's a good way to make friends.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - DUH.
I think you're misinterpreting the phrase. Love doesn't equal total and absolute devotion no matter which way it goes. I see that phrase as saying respect yourself, know what you deserve (which implies, know that you are not entitled to everything), and don't beat yourself up over everything. Love may be unconditional but it's not worship.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - yes exactly. (seriously. also, that's no contest, c'mon)
good to hear you've got your clingy-ness under some sort of control :)
I actually believe that unless you love yourself or put yourself first, rather, you cannot be the kind of person you need to be for anyone else in your life...not fully. This doesn't mean being selfish and caring only for yourself. Instead, it means thinking of YOU and what you need to work on so that you will not only be able to love and admire yourself, but so those you love will be able to reap the benefits of you taking care of you first and foremost, and in turn, being a better person for them as well. Wow! What a mess that was! I swear, it makes perfect sense if only I could arrange my thoughts correctly. For instance....
If you put yourself and your own needs first, then you can fully begin to work on whatever issues have caused you to be clingy. Once those issues are resolved, you will be happier with yourself and your boyfriend will see the changes and reap the benefits as well. Make sense? Then you would be able to spend more time focusing on other things rather than this potential problem.
hanging out with them's kinda out of the question, not to mention creepy
WHY would that be creepy???
The 50 & 60-year-olds were the bluesmen when i grew up, and HAD to hang out with them if you wanted to grow...the 40-50 year-olds were the gamblers...hung out with them too
I don't think anything is wrong for you to love yourself before someone else. I mean, c'mon. If you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? It's like a drunk woman who loves her children, but she's drunk all the time. How can she portray that love she has for her children in the right way when she can't even love herself enough to clean up her own mess?
What's wrong with hanging out with 40-50 years old from time to time? On the good note, you learn a lot of life experiences from them. Not to mention, work can go by a lot faster when you know a friendly face.
It's great that you're working on your clinginess. I mean, yeah, we love you, but sometimes, we need our own space too. It's nice to know that you have a life outside of the relationship. Ditto!
so everybody should give those who are clingy some slack?
there are those who can or can not put up with clingy people.
those who are clingy should also put some effort into making things better too, as in...dude..suck it up. =.=
"'Love yourself before you love another.' God I hate that phrase. To me I interpret it as, "Ignore your boyfriend, be 100% selfish." I care about my boyfriend a lot. And to ignore him even for one millisecond I feel just awful for."
You probably hate that phrase because you're interpreting it wrong. Loving yourself doesn't mean ignoring your boyfriend. It doesn't even have anything to do with putting yourself first, or being selfish. Loving yourself before loving someone else simply means that if you're not capable of loving yourself (which is hard to do because we're so hyper aware of our imperfections) then you're likely not capable of fully loving another. The phrase is supposed to imply that you cannot be what another person in this life needs until you yourself are 100%. A 100% relationship isn't two people giving 50%, it's two people giving 100%, and if you don't know yourself and love yourself, it's kind of hard for you to give 100%.
That 100% is comprised of self-awareness and self-respect and transparency and honesty and trust and commitment and faithfulness and kindness and compassion and self-control and self-sacrifice and so much more... It's wanting the best for the other person as much as you want the best for yourself and the relationship. But to want the best you need to know what the best is. You need to know yourself and love yourself. Only in loving yourself can you fully appreciate how the other person adds to your life and makes it better. Only in loving yourself will you be able to assess what your needs are and make sure they're being met. And when your needs are met and you're feeling good about yourself you will directly (and exponentially) positively effect the lives of those around you, including the person you are dating.
I never actually interpreted "love yourself before you love another" to mean "it's all about YOU." I think it just means that a person should know his/her limitations, and take care of himself/herself, because we can't care for others if we're not doing so hot ourselves. It's also about self-respect, I'd think.
Hanging out with 50 year-old people isn't so creepy. They're basically your co-workers. They might act a little differently, but you all still have your work in common, and you can build from that and create new friendships.
It is rough being independent sometimes, but it's gratifying. Everything in moderation. =]
@xthread@xanga - I agree 100%! I couldn't have said this better!
The only part of your entry that bothered me a little bit is when you said, "I can't afford to lose him at any cost." I hope this doesn't mean that you're staying with your SO just because it's a little hard to meet people your age.
On the other hand, I can agree with you, because I go to a community college, and meeting people my age is also hard. But, my boyfriend is here, and that's more comforting. I would be lost for the last year that I had here, if I were without him, so I understand. But, I also wouldn't stay in a relationship that I was unhappy with, just because I was afraid of being alone. From what I have gathered so far, you guys seem to be doing fine, and I hope it stays that way. =)
Wow, so being a clingy girlfriend is equivalent to a parasite, apparently? I don't see why it's so goddamn bad. If you're with someone who's uncomfortable with it, then you're a bad match. And if you feel so insecure that you are impulsed to cling on, then that in itself is a sign of a problem in the relationship (and not necessarily just YOUR fault, believe it or not). Once you stop being so scared about how your clinginess affects how your significant other feels about you, it's surprising how less clingy and more confident you'll come off, and how much more at ease you'll feel overall. Just stop worrying about it and live how you want to live. If he doesn't like how you act, then it's better you found out sooner than later, right?
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - totalllyy in agreement!
@xxthatsmexx@xanga - I agree!!
some clingy is ok.. don't hate it completely~~
i was clingy once, and i grew up really quickly because of it. I learnt o be happy iwth or withOUT a guy in my life and just keep smiling on :)
This is so me.
very clingy. it sucks that my boyfriend is going to be thousands of miles away. for three years. :(
Clingy is bad, yep. I can't stand people who can't stand to be by themselves, do stuff for themselves. When your life revolves around other people, you're bound to get hurt a lot. If you decide that you should be the one who ultimately controls your happiness, life is a hell of a lot easier.
And I can't imagine going to the shrink only one time has ever helped anybody.
"Hold on loosely, but don't let go; if you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control." It's a song lyric, and it's true. I think the only way for a clingy person to learn how to live for themselves is to make them do it. I'm not for babying people.
I agree with @Nitzchiya@xanga ... if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? A relationship is kind of like... a building, and both individuals are half of the foundation. The more stable the foundation, the more stable the building.
Loving yourself isn't selfish... actually, neglecting yourself is selfish. You should want to improve yourself and feel the best that you can feel about yourself, then your SO doesn't have to do all that work for you. But if he has to do all that loving of both himself and of you (for himself AND for you), that's not really fair.
I could go on and on, but I think I repeat myself after so much.
My girlfriend's clingy, but she's not clingy enough that I have to spend all my free time with her. She just doesn't want me to leave when we actually DO spend time together.
The biggest reason for that is that she's a theatre major, and I really, really hate being around people I don't know, so she milks every bit of our time together for every possible second.
i went through a tough relationship, and i KNOW i'm a clingy girlfriend too. my boyfriend even told me i'm very dependent on him to be happy. i flipped out telling that wasn't true, but lately, ive realized how true it actually is! i just really don't know how to stop.
ahhh:/
i hear ya sweetie. i was getting to be the same way for a while. i needed to remember my self worth, take my eyes off the person and focus on God instead. clingyness is fear-based. and that will just drive the other person further away. i'm glad you are coping with this better.
one thing that helped me was just to start focusing more on God, pray, dance, also what helped is serving other people who were worse off than me. volunteer, call a friend, make a new friend, be a better friend, etc.