Friday, 20 March 2009
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My BF Doesn't Trust Me And Tells Me So
I don't know if anyone has ever had the misfortune of knowing their boyfriend doesn't trust her and thinks she's lying all the time. Recently, I have - it seems like every time I turn around, he's asking me questions about something meaningless.The other day, I was on the computer and he was sitting right behind me. I noticed there was something in the recyling bin, so I emptied it. He freaked out and asked me what I was trying to hide.
Then yesterday, he found a number I wrote down of someone at my work. The guy had offered to give me a ride in the morning, so I took his number. All it said on the paper was "house" because honestly, I don't even know the guy's name. So after he asked me whose number it was and why I had it, I told him "because he's giving me a ride; I took his number so I can make sure he's coming to pick me up," which is the honest-to-god truth.
After that, he asked me again, "Why do you have his number? Are you going to go hang out with him or something?" HELLO, I JUST TOLD YOU WHY I HAVE HIS NUMBER. Why on earth would I hang out with a 30+ year old guy whose name I don't even know?
There have been times in the past, for example, when my best friend (who's a guy, as most of my friends are) and I were hanging out watching TV and smoking. I missed one of my BF's calls because I was upstairs getting a drink, and when I called him back two seconds later he yelled "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" at me. Yeah. I'm gunna call you back while I'm having sex with my best friend. Right.
I've been a cheater once before, and let me tell you, (while I'm not proud of it at all) I NEVER GOT CAUGHT. I'm not stupid enough to leave such incriminating evidence just laying around for everyone to see. And he knows that, because he was the one I cheated with!
We talked about it afterwards and he settled down a bit. He told me he was insecure and that he just doesn't want to get hurt. I assured him that while I will never have the urge to touch another man, even if I did, I would tell him, because I know how much lying can hurt someone, and I don't want to do that ever again. I love him too much to see that look in his face. That look haunts me, and I don' t wish for there to be another face in the mix.
What can I do to make him realize how real this is? Will he ever stop jumping to conclusions?
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- From: mustardcat@xanga
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Comments (78)
Maybe he thinks, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." And who can blame him for wondering.
If I hung out with all guys, I would expect my husband to question me and act a bit jealous. I know that when my husband's best friend was a girl, it made me feel like shit. And I agree with yourkbear... Once a cheater always a cheater. I swore this statement wasn't true, until I cheated on every boyfriend I've had up until my hubby.
I get the feeling he's thinking "If she did it to that other guy with me, then she could do it to me too" and letting it get to his head. I'm not sure there's anything you can do other than making it as clear as possible that you won't do that to him. If he can't let that go even after time has passed, I don't know what to tell you.
ok first off, its all good that your getting a ride from someone but why would u even get in the mans car if you dont even know his name...pretty strange if you ask me, secondly, I see why he doesnt trust u..he see's it sense u cheated on someone with him your going to cheat on him with someone else. I dont blame him for that. but on his end he is stupid for even dating you in the first place because why go through all this worry and not trusting someone. he is better off not being with you because he is NEVER going to trust u, and he is always going to have that thought that your going to cheat on him....I DONT BLAME HIM AT ALL.
He sounds paranoid. Trust builds over time. Just exemplify your love for him through your actions.
No. He will probably be like that forever. There could be a multitude of reasons why he acts like that:
-he hasn't recovered from you cheating on him
-he worries that most of your friends are male
-he's insecure about the relationship
-he's insecure about himself
-he's paranoid because he reads too many blogs about relationships.
Uh....he has good reason to wonder about you. How can you say you dont care about the guy since you dont even know his name but you are willing to catch a ride from him and even show him where you live. Who the hell catches a ride from a stranger let alone someone you dont even know their name?!
You can start by not being stupid and getting rides from unknown guys. You can also start by getting rides from a friend......or taking the damn bus. Its only a freakin dollar.
He will stop jumping to conclusions if you stop being mysterious around him and ESPECIALLY if you stop getting rides from strangers
Did I reiterate enough about rides from strangers?
Just making sure....
Honestly, why would someone even write a blog detailing how incredibly stupid they are?
talk to him!...love is about trust!....ask him stop everything....if he really loves you, he must trust you!
I'm sorry, but this guy is starting to sound a bit out there in terms of his trust issues. If someone spoke to me the way he speaks to you or accused me that way, he'd be in traction, and his nuts would be in his throat. If he can't shape up and act right, lose him, seriously.
The problem isn't just with your boyfriend; you're causing it to snowball it into what it is today.
1. You cheated on your ex with your boyfriend. You have to prove to your boyfriend, things are different with him. Write him a special note or something, and tell him to read it every time he gets angry or jealous.
2. Tell him things BEFORE you do them. Like if you're going to go catch a ride from a guy, be like "Sweetie, I'm going to catch a ride with this guy. Okay?" Stop being so mysterious.
3. Stop hanging out with guys alone... I understand its your best friend, but clearly your boyfriend isn't okay with it. It's upsetting him. It's making him jealous and insecure. Even without all the trust issues... if my boyfriend's best friend were a girl and they hung out alone, I would be upset and jealous as well. I'm not asking you to pick btwn them... just maybe have your bf come along next time you guys all hang out ... ?
(BTW, like almost every one else here, I'm wondering why in the world you would catch a ride from someone whose name you don't even know....)
this sounds like a very familiar story with me... ive learned you cant do shit about it. its all up to him to believe you because no matter how much you try, he will always have his doubts.
In time, I think he'll begin to loosen up and realize that you love him too much to hurt him in the way he expects. I don't know what you could do beyond having him by your side 24/7 so that he knows you're not doing anything fishy...and of course that's not really a suggestion. You could consistently reassure him that you wouldn't dream of betraying him, and maybe he'll start to believe it after a few tries. Good luck!
I suppose he's just worried that you may be cheating on him like you did with him. The only way to gain his trust is to talk to him or follow what he wishes of you.
To me, he sounds very controlling and verbally abusive. I honestly don't think that it has anything to do with what you're doing (although I can understand him having trust issues when you've cheated on your previous SO). If he is really insecure, he's taking it to the extreme. And I don't think it is something that will change.
That's one of the reasons cheating is no good. If you do end up with the person you cheated with, they'll think, "If they cheated to get with me, they'll definitely cheat to get away from me." - and most of the time that's true.
Ask him what you can do to prove that you can be trusted. Ask him what you can do to calm him down and show him that you're not going to hurt him. Tell him to give you 100% complete honesty, because if you don't know what he needs, you won't be able to give it to him.
He could get over it, you two could get past this; but the problem is mainly him. In fact, it's all him. He's the one who has issues, therefore he's the main one who needs to work on said issues. All you can try and do is help him out; because you can't make him see something that he doesn't want to see. Y'know?
Beware of a man with low self-esteem. The problem is his and will never go away, no matter what you do. You will fool yourself into thinking that you can be better, that you can try harder...ultimately, the problem is his and unless HE changes it himself, this situation is only going to drag you down with him. (At the risk of generalizing, I will say that men rarely change. It is possible, but I can pretty much promise you he won't just wake up and be able to trust you the way you deserve)
I, too, am a serial cheater and many of my friends happen to be male. That's not an excuse for him to distrust you. I have never cheated on my fiance, and I never would. After completely devouring guys in college (my nickname from my friends was "Maneater", ha!), I didn't think I could find a guy I didn't want to cheat on, but I did...and he has never for one minute held it against me that I treated guys like pure crap before. He has no reason to. It doesn't concern him in any way; if I ever do cheat on him then it gives him a reason to worry. But you can't hold past mistakes against someone...each relationship and situation is different.
I don't think it's your fault at all. Trust shouldn't need to be earned; it should be there until someone blows it. And even if you blow it, he should be able to forgive and forget. If you're doing it repeatedly, then okay, something is wrong. But no one needs their one or two mistakes held above them for the rest of their lives. Life's too short for that. You don't need to be apologetic when you've done nothing. He either accepts and loves you as you are, or he doesn't. Bottom line. You owe him nothing. That's something I learned after years of being in a shitty relationship where I was always made to feel like the bad guy.
Personally, your bf sounds like a psycho-in-training, and I can say this because he talks to you the way my crazy ex talked to me. Trust me when I say that you'd be happier getting out now. This is the most honest take on it that you will find, sorry if it sounds brash. I have a short fuse for shitty, uncalled-for behavior. :)
He may be paranoid, but he has some basis for it. If he is the one that you cheated with and he knows how good you are at covering it up, then that gives him even more reason to be very suspicious and paranoid of your actions. I don't feel the love here...
This situation sucks so bad I'm not even sure why (or how) you're putting up with it. You need to talk with him, again, even if it's the 47,000th time. Tell him that he can't yell at you like that and make ridiculous demands of you and then write it off as "oh I'm just insecure." Insecure or not, that's unacceptable. If he doesn't change, I suggest you dump him. No matter how much you may like him physically, sexually, whathaveyou, relationships are built on trust and if he can't trust you, there is no point even trying to make it work. His low self-esteem problems are his problems, and if he can't fix them, things are going to just continue to suck. There is nothing you can do to help him with this. So I say, if you don't start seeing improvement soon, chances are you never will, and you need to say goodbye.
@xoxokissme@xanga - Wow, I just want to tell you, you wrote one hell of a comment and it really impressed me. I hope what you wrote helps her, because I can tell it was written with consideration and compassion and sincerity. I, for one, am glad you shared it, and can say I personally learned from it. :)
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - She's getting a ride from a coworker, calm the fuck down. I knew all my coworker's faces and even personality types (like whether or not I could trust them, for example) before I properly learned their names. I'm just bad with names. This particular situation IN NO WAY gives him "reason to wonder" about her. Also, friends and even buses aren't always available for transportation, and if a coworker is willing to give you a ride, and you trust them, why not. I gave my (now friend) Melissa a ride home from work the day she was hired. It's really not a big deal. Try to be rational.
@inn0centanqelx89@xanga - You gave really good, solid advise. Just wanted to throw that out there.
@Beautiful_Disaster_74@xanga - I couldn't agree with you more. No significant others should be speaking to their SO that way. Period. I find it completely unacceptable.
@xthread@xanga - Im sorry that you dont have friends that you could possibly rely on for a ride but have to resort to strangers...in this situation..brand spankin' new co-workers. (I know you have a vehicle, Im saying you dont think friends are friends Enough to lend a ride)
We live in a world of instanteity and I am sure she has normal work hours (bus cuts off at midnight in most cities). Hitching a ride from someone you dont even know their name is stupid and unsafe. Ask any parent or older sibling about this.....I am certain they wont approve of her catching a ride from a person she doesnt even know.As for you....youre able to learn their faces AND their personality type before learning a name? A name is like....average of 5 letters, 2 syllables and you can pass all that and even figure out their personality type? Youre awesome.
@xthread@xanga - Thank you. :) That means a lot to hear; I'm big on the whole brutal honesty thing, and my words came from what I learned after way too many years of crap. I wish I'd known those things sooner. No person should have to go through that.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga -
Okay, one, I agree that if you don't know a person at all and they are, in fact, a stranger, that hitching a ride with them is a bad idea. I'd like to point out that nowhere in this post did she identify this coworker as a "stranger" nor did she clarify how long she has known him. She just said that she didn't know his name. Personally, I am terrible at learning names. I could work with the same people for half a year and if I wasn't forced into a situation where their name became important for me to know (like if I had to introduce them to someone, or if I wanted to friend them on FB), I probably would never learn it. It just doesn't always register to me that I am interacting with them without knowing their name.
I personally don't feel like I can't speak with someone or get to know someone without knowing their name. In fact, I started talking to a friend of mine here on Xanga on instant messenger and we had shared our entire life stories before I thought to ask her name. At that point all I'd known is her Xanga name, and what she shares on her site. Is this wrong of me?
Second, I am the "older sibling" and, as someone in their twenties, I know a few things about safety. Plenty of people my age have young children; I have young cousins. I'm not some young punk kid who doesn't know anything about the cruelties or injustices of this world. I'm not naive, and I'm not a moron. Personally, I would take a ride from a brand new coworker over having to deal with the (incredibly sketchy) people I know ride our public transit any day.
Third, I didn't say that I don't have friends I couldn't possibly rely on for a ride; I do have those friends and I have relied on them in that way. I understand you don't support me in my feeling like a good eight hour shift with someone provides me with the ability to make a decent assessment about whether or not I can trust them enough to be in a car with them for 10 minutes. Please understand me when I say that I don't understand how you can't understand my feeling that way.
Everyone is different.
And thank you, it's always nice to be reminded that I am, in fact, awesome.