Thursday, 19 March 2009
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I Went On A Date With A Guy With PTSD
Miss Elephant
So, as far as going on dates with random guys is concerned, I'm fairly inexperienced. As I have discussed before, I've had three "serious" boyfriends - aside from that, I've been on, like, two or three dates that went nowhere, had a text-lationship with a guy and had a random makeout session that (also) went nowhere (read: terrible, terrible kisser).One of these dates was with a random guy I met at a club in Atlanta. As a Southern girl at heart, I love Atlanta. I lived there one summer a couple years ago for an internship during college, and I had such a great time. My roommate and I were both into hip-hop music and dance clubs, so we basically just went out a lot. I’m normally not the type of girl who meets guys in clubs and goes out on dates with them, but one night I met a guy who was cute, a good dancer, and charming. So I was like WTF, why not. We met on a Saturday night, and went out for lunch the next day.
At first everything was going well. I mean it was a first date, so it was awkward by nature. It was also my first date after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5+ years, so it was totally new territory for me. Then I noticed something off about him. He was twitchy and shifty-eyed, and not just in a nervous-first-date kind of way. He stumbled over his words to excess and kind of stuttered. He was really sweet and unassuming, so I just figured he was highly socially awkward.
Then he told me he was home for a two-week break from his tour in Iraq. Ah, I get it. This guy has post-traumatic stress disorder.
Of course I felt bad for him, but I also knew this would be our only date. I mean, honestly, where can a relationship go with someone so obviously affected by their terrible experiences in a war zone? Especially when he was about to go back in a couple weeks. No thanks.Have you ever been on a date with anyone who had experienced severe trauma?
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About the Author
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- From: misselephant
- About Me: I'm pretty bad at relationships, but I try really hard. I love writing, blogging, reading, eating, exercising, and sexing. That list is not all inclusive. My Ideal SO is someone who challenges me. That's just about the only requirement, aside from the basics: being sweet, caring, loving, supportive, funny, all that stuff. Being adventurous in bed doesn't hurt either.
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Comments (53)
I wouldnt not go out with him because of the disorder, but I wouldn't go out with him because it is a bit unstable, the lack of communication and the instability of his health and wellbeing.. but if I thought it could be something special I'd still give it a go nonetheles.
Wow...I'm sorry but that seems kinda shallow. The man is serving your damn country. I'm sure he was a wonderful person...relationships can go really far if you just give them a chance.
OMG. I don't think I like you. He was home for TWO WEEKS! It takes a little time to get over that. They have to ALWAYS be on alert over there. Any pile of trash on the side of the road could contain an explosive. They get shot at. Glad to know you're really insensitive.
Hmmmm, wow. I feel bad for the guy. I have friends who were at war whether they were in the Army, Marines, Navy. . . . and honestly, one of them turned out to be a little . . . weird afterwards (he was part of the Marines and he made jokes about not being to wait to go back over and start shooting up people). Hence, why I don't really keep in contact much anymore.
As for dates or relationships, it's mostly something way in their past and they have already overcame it (though they didn't really forget about it).
I'm actually marrying someone who was wounded in Iraq, and who, in addition to some other issues, has PTSD. The wedding is in November.
It's actually not as hopeless as you might think, but it's also not always a walk in the park, and there are a LOT of variables. Has he seen really grisly stuff (like a buddy getting blown to literal smithereens by stepping on an IED, and then having to clean the man's guts off his weapon),or has he been mainly just forced to be in a state of hyper-alertness? What's his background? Is a person with good coping skills in general or do those skills tend to be poor? Does he have any other problems, such as adjustment disorder? Has he sustained exposure to concussive blast forces or had any other kind of exposure that could cause a traumatic brain injury (TBI)? I could ask a thousand more questions, but I think you get the point.
To me, the real issue is that he's leaving again so soon because, honestly, a person doesn't have to have gone to war to have PTSD. I have it as the result of an abusive relationship, some people have it as a result of being raped or mugged or robbed or some other traumatic experience.
Do you really like this guy? If so, then keep in touch with him after he redeploys. Send him some care packages. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers (and understand if he doesn't get back to you because, let's face it, he's gonna be busy with other things while he's over there). If nothing else, you'll have a friend, and you'll be doing something really valuable for a member of our military--showing him love and support. Finally, keep in mind that it often takes months to start to readjust to civilian life. What you're seeing during a two-week break at home isn't necessarily a good indicator of how he'll always be.
Good luck to you, and if you see him again before he redeploys, tell him I said "Thank you for your service!"
I've been on dates with girls who were severly depressed. It sucks and hard to deal with. Especially when you want to gtfo
I'm not entirely sure that PTSD -- maybe he's just the kind of guy who's insanely nervous on a first date.
Being married to a solider, one who just returned from a deployment not even two weeks ago, they have every right to be jumpy and cautious. I've noticed my husband is suspicious of everyone and extremely protective of me and cautious of the things around us. Moreso than he was before.
Living here in America, we are blessed to have never experienced an on-going war zone. Even if the place where he is stationed might be relatively calm, they are told to never, ever let their guard down. PTSD will manifest itself in other ways as well.
Tell him thanks for his service and you'll keep him in your thoughts and prayers. No soldier wants to be forgotten or pushed aside.
itz the story of my dayting lyfe
I do agree with XxWiltedRosexX@xanga. It does seem a tad shallow to push someone off due to a disorder which they've gained for a great service. In an objective view, it is no different then to push someone away because of a missing limb. It takes a lot of courage to serve in any war, because often enough you don't return the same person. He might of been before then an asshole, but he seemed charming enough then and there for you with the disorder.
So, you should of given him a shot regardless of his disorder, and time allotted to him for break.
Cheers,
Navud
Well, since it was a first date he cannot expect you to be willing to commit to him knowing he has PTSD but if it is the only reason you chose to no see him again than I think you may have made a huge mistake. There is nothing wrong with him. It is not like this is a disease. The relationship can still go somewhere, you two would need to work through the difficulties just like any other relationship--they would just be a different difficulties.
Quite frankly, I don't think you are horrible for choosing not to go out with him. I mean, it was your first date. It just comes off as narrow minded when you say he was nice BUT he has PTSD so you won't see him again.
@yourkbear@xanga - Agreed!
Just because someone is shifty eyed and nervous and they have been at war over seas does not mean that they have PTSD. You are probably not a doctor so I would not go around diagnosing someone with what you think is PTSD.
@TheSpaceBass@xanga - Exactly! And it's really mean and cold to hold that against someone. It's not like he dropped to the floor screaming, "Bomb!"
how is when you first met him so contrasted with that first date? was it even the same guy lol
So you don't like him because he twitches..how is that enough to post on datingish?
As for me, i have enough baggage and no one wants baggage.
I kind of find this whole post a bit insensitive. PTSD is something that he really can't help. I doubt he was looking for a serious relationship - but if he was, you seem willing to just write if off as "he was weird, i dont want that" would you ever give it a try? I dont know...this post just bothered me.
Some people with psychological disorders are still really great people worth getting to know and even date.
You're kind of mean and insensitive to think that about someone. He's doing a great service for his country, and his PTSD is not something that you should consider a deal breaker. =/
Wow, I want to say thank you for not dating him because you are not the kind of person who even deserves to date someone in the military. As a Marine wife who spent over half of our first year of dating and of marriage with my husband deployed I can assure you it takes a strong woman to be with someone in the military. You seem very judgmental, you are only assuming he has PTSD, more then likely he was just reacting the way that most recently home military acts, aware of their surroundings. You're lucky that guy asked you out in the first place and I hope for your sake you were at least nice to him, cause Karma is a witch.
Many recently returning Soldiers, Marines, Airmen and Sailors are jumpy because their minds are still in combat mode despite their conscious mind knowing they're back home. This period of time is too soon to determine if someone has PTSD or not. If it lasts more than around three months outside of a combat zone, then that may be a reason to diagnose PTSD.
I say give him a chance. If there's someway to keep up with him, and you're interested in him still, I say go for it. I think for many deployed troops, knowing there's someone interested in them back home is always comforting.
I have PTSD and what I can say about that is, not everyone has the same symptoms. Me, I'm slightly socially awkward -- i stumble over my words and stutter sometimes but it's nothing a good deep breath can't take care of =P I'm only 21 and I've been in three serious relationships. One lasted about a year and a half, the next about 5 months and the one i'm presently in has been going on for 2 years. Just giving you some history =P From my side of things i see it as... though we have PTSD we all have different symptoms and all we usually want is just a chance because whatever happened to us wasn't our fought.. the second girl broke up with me for similar reasons that you just mentioned above and my opinion of the whole thing is that she's missing out.
I may have some things around with me but I consider myself to be an excellent boyfriend and I would do anything to put a smile on the girl, i'm with now's, face. Your entry as kind of incensitive but i'm not insulted... if you don't have PTSD then how do you know how to deal with it? My girlfriend worries about me and feels bad but I just try showing her that despite the trauma... it doesn't effect the relationship what-so-ever. It just effects me and me alone... she can't take away nightmares or flashbacks and she can't deliver me from the pain. She may want to... and that's what sepperates her from most others. Most others run away because they fear what they know nothing about... she knows nothing about it but runs too me because relationships shouldn't be based on what happened to you in the past but it should be based on the present and who you are in the "now". You said he seemed like a nice guy... insted of running.. maybe you should have given him a chance.
Believe me, the stuttering and skipping over your words - that all goes away when you're comfortable with someone. I'm never like that in front of my friends or family and i seem better than normal in front of my girlfriend... If he was sweet and seemed like a nice guy, i'm sure that if you had given him a chance he probably would have been a good boyfriend or at least a good few dates after he warmed up to you.
@yourkbear@xanga - I wasn't trying to be insensitive. But even if the guy didn't have PTSD, where can a relationship go with a guy who is only in town for two weeks?
My best friend is a Marine who has PTSD. You make it sound like this horrible thing that no one can deal with. When you get to know someone who has it and care about them, you start to notice the signs of an episode coming...you learn to get them through it. You know what works and what doesnt. It has made us closer. You should have given him a chance. Even if you didn't date him, I'm sure he would have been the best of friends.
I'm not going to say I haven't dated one because I am married to a man who has been serving our country for eight years (and making it a career) and you never know what's going to happen now or later.
I think that was a bit shallow and insensitive of you but not everyone can accept it. I mean, yeah, @misselephant - he'll only be in town for two weeks but you never know what's going to happen if you gave him a chance and look past that. It could of worked out. It could of not. But you didn't even give him a chance at all!
@misselephant - Yeah. But that's not what you said. You said, "I mean, honestly, where can a relationship go with someone so obviously affected by their terrible experiences in a war zone?" I bet that if someone else had written that, you'd think "God, what a f*ing bitch."
@misselephant - My brother was in Iraq for 15 months, and his wife cheated on him with AT LEAST three guys while he was there. People like that and people who are rude about soldiers having problems when they come home pisses me off! How would you feel? PTSD can be caused by child abuse, rape, car accidents. How would you feel if one of those things gave you PTSD, and then some guy wouldn't even give you the time of day because you had lived through ONE bad experience?