A reader sent us a post with the following excerpt:
Since the last relationship, I completely cut myself off from that whole romantic business of love and take: no flirting, no crushes, nothing. It was that way for about a year and a half, maybe two. I came out a different person, more independent and more bold. The only problem is, I forgot what it felt like to like or love someone. I forgot what the signs were and how you were supposed to know when you were falling. My expectations are different now too. I expect a guy to fall for me, quickly (they always did) and I expect to receive more affection than I give. I am cold and disconnected when it comes to guys.
It makes sense - you shut yourself out from everything after a bad breakup, but I thought the phrase "I forgot what it felt like to love" was so interesting. I know I've experienced that after things fell apart, and I remember essentially rolling up into a ball and waiting until everything felt normal again, however long that took.
Have you shut yourself out completely after a relationship like our reader? How did you turn things around?
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Comments (28)
Yeah, I was like that once before... it took me almost a year to get out of that phase and then the next thing I knew, love came to me unexpectedly. I'm sure it'll happen again, I just have to be open enough to accept it. =)
I haven't necessarily shut my self out of relationships all together - I just built a wall around myself and wouldn't let anyone break it down. I didn't trust anyone because of how hurt I was from the relationship that ended. I was afraid of ending up in the same type of relationship I was in (and still am afraid).
i avoid guys now. I'm using this time to cultivate my friendships with women. most guys aren't worth time or effort anyway.
Hmm, can't say I ever have. I tend to get even more emotional after a break up. But I did feel more jaded and skeptical after my most recent breakup. It was hard to be open and vulnerable again. My sense of trust wasn't the same no matter how much I told myself I was fine.
I am exactly like that. It's just how I cope with things. I lock myself away from the world and go as far as removing the battery out of my cellphone so nobody can reach me. It works because it allowes me to re-evaluate my life and my goals.
When I was single and after a bad break up, I would let myself heal and not hop into another relationship when I wasn't ready to - but I didn't completely shut myself off. I was still open to meeting people but just not be romantically involve with them.
i shut myself down for a month...then i dive right into the dating world, trust me, things only get better. dont miss out..
good luck to you.
I completely shut myself off for about 6 months. and then it just felt right again after that to go out and talk to other guys and let them take me out on dates and stuff.
i blogged about that same feeling for a while last year and the year before.. i kept saying to myself and all the guys that professed their feelings to me that I have no idea how to like them back because i simply could not remember the feeling of liking someone or the feeling of butterflies in my stomach.. i missed it all so much.. but then , my boyfriend now he never told me he liked me , never pushed it on me , he just hung out with me from time to time within the span of a year, movies, walks, but he never tried anything on me. he was a perfect gentleman , open doors, paid for everything but not a single word about liking me just that he cared about me as a friend. I never thought much about him , I considered it but I just simply couldnt and didnt know how to like him. He finally told me he cared about me a year and a half later , I went to study abroad for my summer and when I came back I still didnt know how i felt towards him but he didnt back down, he just continued to hang out with me knowing I couldnt reciprocate my feelings and then after a month of coming back from Paris and just hanging out with him everyday I developed feelings for him and it just all came back to me, the wonderful feeling of liking someone and having them like you back :D
Hm... I kind of feel like i'm doing that now...
Ah.....that's me. Refuse the idea altogether.
It's been this way for about a year or so, and so I still don't really know how to change that.
Um....but maybe it's a little different, because there's that "forgotten how to" part, but also "what's the point? it'll all go to hell anyway" feeling too.
Its more of a chance to stop sit back hurt and recollect ourselves for a moment before we decide to let someone into our inner worlds again. I was in a six year relationship before It broke off and I pretty much became cold hearted towards women and those that were interested in me.
The thing is you're allowed to hurt even get angry and be isolated for a while but at some point as cliche as it sounds one must move on in life from what I read you were really consciously and sub consciously bitter.
The thing is in the end we must move on ..how do we do that ? first and foremost you must learn the lessons on why your last relationship ended and evolve yourself and little by little open up to the world by going out hanging out with friends before you can love someone again you must be able to say you love yourself thats one of the main things I can remeber.
I was in a 1 + 1/2 year relationship... and it took its toll on me. I loved him with all my heart... and the break up (though I initiated it) broke me because I'm a idealist - wanting it to work out even if I knew in my heart it we weren't right for each other.
After the break up, I went from guy to guy... not knowing I was hurting them because all I wanted was a friendship to fill the void of a boyfriend. After a year of that, I felt guilty and knew I needed time for myself. I spent a year with no romance - I focused on myself and learned so much more about what I enjoyed doing on my free time and what made me happy. I built stronger friendships - and got my guy friends back!
After a year of being anti-romance, I let myself back into the dating scene for the summer when I went back home from college. I didn't expect much, just a little single-life fun. I went to parties, I went on a few dates, but it was never anything serious. I just saw it as an opportunity to get to know more people and open up my sphere of friends. Before I knew it, I found someone who intrigued me and wanted me to give up my fun and freedom.
Love takes time. I always believed that there's nothing cute about baggage, and people need time to get over things after break ups. But I also believe that everything happens for a reason and you learn from it. Things will happen in time!
im still there. i noticed a lot now that some guys i talk to try to move in closer or get to know me & i tend to pull back. i pull back physically & verbally. the whole flirting thing use to be fun but i dont do it anymore. i stopped completely. & when i notice a guy flirting with me i pull back & put up walls. i dont know if i want to go through it again.
I refused to trust any guy completely (it was a self-defense mechanism that I did that I wasn't aware of) until this awkward and very sweet boy came along and convinced me that he would love me and be there for me forever. I slowly let my guard down and let myself fall head over heels for him... then he got another girlfriend. (Shrugs). Shit happens. Haha...
sometimes i wish i could close my heart off.
@e_e@xanga - glad to know there arent only girls posting on this.
I thought this post would more or less be tips on how to do this.
But of course, everyone has their own ways of learning to love again. I set up walls myself when it comes to girls. This is just not to get burned or make a fool of myself for someone who doesn't like me at all.
still haven't turn around yet
becoming bitter after being hurt can have really long-term effects, and it's hard to even know when you're really bitter. you can deceive yourself!
and this kind of bitterness (following intense hurt caused by someone else) doesn't have to be the result of a dating relationship...it can be any relationship--a parent, sibling, classmate, etc...
very sad. forgiving ppl is wicked hard...
i've had a lot of bad things happen in the past, relationship wise, that no one really know of. those things made me bitter and now after relatioinship bullshit and friends bullshit and some other bullshit, i began closing myself off almost completely. I wonder what it would be like if i closed myself off completely! I don't think my bf would like that very much. He doesn't like it right now either. =T what happen when I close up?
I definitely know how that can be. I was in a relationship for five years and when we ended it I was in a loveless coma for about a year. I did forget what it was like to love someone and have them love me. I was on defense mode for so long I thought I would never be able to let someone in again. But that all vanished the day I met him! My defenses dropped and he eventually became my husband. Love will always find a way
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We all do that, don't we? I posted a lot of things on that (in another account).
Welcome back to the world of love. (:
[...that didn't really make sense, or did it?]
Nope, I guess I am that type of person that's in love with being in love. I am also kind of naive when it comes to relationship.
wow! thats totally me, but i dont know how to solve it...
ya...i dont mixed around with friends...even my best/close friends....i always stick with my mum or family....totally fed up and sick of everything...