Monday, 16 March 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My BF Messed Up And I Forgave Him Right Away
My boyfriend and I have been dating for six and half months now. It's a pretty serious relationship, and we've talked about the future, marriage, kids, etc. We have our shares of fights and arguments, but what couple doesn't? We always talk them through and get over it. We're happy...at least I'm very happy being with him.
However, I got a call from him around 3 a.m. I knew something wasn't right - he never calls that late - so I picked up and my heart began to sink. Did he get into an accident?Was he too drunk to drive? Did something happen to him? All these thoughts racing to my mind and then I heard him crying.Now, this would be the first time I've EVER heard him cry; and it worried me. Then I thought, "Uh oh, is this one of those breakup phone calls..."I waited for a bit, and he finally mustered enough energy to talk to me. He said:"I messed up... you don't deserve to be with me... I messed up... I messed up..." He kept saying those words over and over again. I kept my composure and asked what happened. After a few minutes he replied with, "I think I drank too much... and I messed up."So at this point, more thoughts are racing through my head. I figured it had to do with another girl, and I was right.He went to study and apparently met up with a friend later at night. He went over and drank at her place - mind you, they don't have romantic feelings for each other. Well, he drank too much and made a move on her. The other girl, however, rejected him and told him to leave her apartment, so nothing happened.He said he's a bad person and can't appreciate the things he already has, like me. He went on and on about this and finally I cut him off mid-sentence and said, "It's okay, I forgive you." He said I don't deserve to forgive him and that I should be mad at him.I normally would be angry about something like this - I don't know if it's because I still trust him or how much I love him that I'm able to be at peace with it, but I never felt a surge of anger when he told me. I was hurt, yes, but not angry. He showed me his weakest and most vulnerable side that night. I think the reason I'm not angry is because he called me to tell me what happened. He came clean not long after the incident and I respected him for it.I told him how much I respected the girl for kicking him out because she knew we were together.I want to focus on rebuilding our relationship after this tough storm.Do you think my feelings of forgiveness in this situation are normal? What would you have done? Have you ever had something similar happen to you?
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Comments (48)
i would forgive my SO too if he ever did that, so I'm glad that you did! He came clean about it and that shows that he's serious. you did the right thing :)
you could stay with him if that is what you really want...but 6 months is not that long and still early enough for you to back out without the potential of really being hurt later. But if he is telling you that he cant appreciate people like you in his life and he knows it, maybee that should tell you something. I do respect that you want to fix things though, but if you forgive him DO NOT bring this up over and over again..
I told my husband that if he ever cheated on me that would be it and I wouldn't give him a second chance. But the longer we're together, the less I know if i would just leave. Love is forgiveness.
Do you think my feelings of forgiveness in this situation are normal?
A: I'm very cold and very hard-hearted; but you're not me. I don't know whether or not you've done the right thing as I'm a firm believer of "No matter how far a jack-ass travels, it doesn't come back a horse." However, I've been proven wrong and at least you two were willing to talk over the situation and come out to a peaceful resolution. I think you did the right and the mature thing. Even if it meant the end of the relationship, you at least were bold enough to deal with the situation.
What would you have done?
A: Depends on the situation. If it were this; I would've been pissed, but maybe I would've forgiven her if nothing happened. However, I highly doubt that women who get drunk are not taken advantage of.
Have you ever had something similar happen
to you?
A: The worst that I've come across was somebody lying to me in general, and not the little white ones. I was hurt that I didn't know; but then I learn to accept it and then it's no problem to me.
I'd have done the same. It took a lot for him to ring you. He sounds like a good guy for the most part
I've never heard of a serious relationship in which the couple still counts 1/2 months in their total time of dating.
Anyone can make a mistake but it takes courage to confront that mistake and admit to those you hurt that yes, you messed up. He deserves forgiveness; he obviously has earned your trust prior to this incident, and has earned forgiveness by repenting to you immediately, actually having strong emotions of regret, and didn't MEAN to do what he did. His true mistake was drinking too much. That is what you should work on more, I think.
Good luck with this; he seems like a good guy. You did the right thing by forgiving him.
...the real question is, would he have called to confess to you if the girl had been a cold-hearted bitch and had sex with him instead of rejecting him? :X
and also, how strongly does alcohol affect him? no matter how drunk i am and no matter how much i'm attracted to my friends (i have some hot friends too) i've never tried to initiate cheating on my boyfriend with anyone. i know some people lose it when they drink BUT THEN DON'T DRINK WITHOUT YOUR SO! T_T
just my thoughts...i'm not very forgiving though :D
For me, I don't think "alcohol" should ever be an excuse if one cheated or in this case, tried to make a move and got rejected. But that's just me.
A part of me applaud him to realizing he made a mistake and admitted it you. Another part of me wonder if that girl didn't reject him and they went all the way, would he tell you?
But anyways, different people have different ways of dealing with these kind of situation. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't forgive him right away. I would be upset.. and disappointed in him. And wonder if he'll ever pull this again. I guess I'll need some time to think about it and see what happens.
As for you, if you had forgiven him, I wouldn't bring it up in the future to rub it in his face when heated arguments arise or some sort. Once you forgive him for it, zip, zap! It's done. And I'm sure he wouldn't like the constant reminder either.
Good luck.
@SeitekiChibiNeko@xanga - Crap. My thoughts exactly. Seem like we posted at the same time. "Great minds think a like."
i can tolerate almost anything but cheating.
hell with you cheater !
what would you do if you knew a person would bend? Would you break yourself or bend the other person? Infidelity is a character flaw. If it's something you want to put up with more power to you I guess.
@abh816@xanga - haha so true.
too much booze + attractive woman who is not your girlfriend + penis = a very bad idea.
Hopefully, he will recognize this... and not do it again. You are a good person for giving him a second chance.... hopefully he will appreciate what he has...
but remember... fool me once, shame on you.... fool me twice... shame on me. If he does something stupid like this again... boot em.
It sounds to me like he's trying to get out of the relationship with you so be careful, it might happen again with someone else who won't kick him out.
A guy with balls, that's what you have. And with a reaction like his, I wish I can find a guy like that. And I would have forgiven him too with the way he was bawling like that. I'd probably even cry with him as well. But you did the right thing.
My question for you is would you have forgiven him if he had sex with girl and then calls afterward asking for your forgiveness? Getting rejected put him in his place really quick, and no doubt he realized how dumb he must have looked at that point.
I get that girls and guys can be friends, but I think actions speak louder than words. If he goes over to this girl's house by himself to relax with a few brews after a long night of studying...by himself...doesn't it make you wonder what his intentions were before the alcohol made him do it?
I'm proud of the girl for not being a slut by sleeping with your boyfriend fully knowing he's taken and intoxicated. I think I would give him a second chance.
Wow, girls like you are so easy to play. You should marry him. That will solve all of your problems.
He should of known better not to drink that much. What if he does it again? Are you going to forgive him again?
If you forgave him right away, it'll make him think that, if he makes the same mistake you'll just forgive him again. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have forgiven him - you should've taken some time to reflect on the matter before coming to a decision.
However, I do give props to him for admitting he messed up right after the incident occurred. It shows that he cares and he doesn't want to hide anything from you. He loves you. Just make sure you're around him the next time he drinks! And if he's not around you, make sure he's not drinking!!
I lack faith in humanity. What if he's lying? -__-'
But good on you, girl. Wish I had faith like that.
This is a warning sign...
If she hadn't of stopped him, he would have had sex with her; and I doubt he would have came to you so fast if that had of happened. I'm all for being forgiving, but really..
I agree with a couple of others; you forgave him so fast that now he's going to think it's cool to do it again. Him being drunk isn't an excuse for that kind of behavior. I've seen many men get drunk and NOT hit on every other girl around them.
In all honesty, I think it's ridiculous for you to forgive him without thinking it over rationally first.
Do
you think my feelings of forgiveness in this situation are normal?
Yeah, he came clean and was honest. I think his own guilt hurt him more than any of your anger would have.
What would you have done?
Forgiven him. I can forgive a cheat, but not a lie.
Have you ever had something similar happen
to you?
Close, didn't end well because he lied about it first and came clean after I told him I already knew.