I met a stunningly beautiful and charismatic girl about two and a half years ago. We had a really intense relationship that lasted for 3 months until I broke it off because I knew it wouldn't last. Although we shared great chemistry and physical attraction, there were problems early on that led me to believe that if things did not improve, I could not keep on going with the relationship.
I didn't want either of us to get too attached, so I ended things after I was certain it woudn't work.
I still am certain that the baggage and our differences in views would have ended the relationship later if we had continued. Despite that fact, I had strong feelings for her at the time of the breakup and realize that I still am in love with her after two and a half years. She was my first and only love.
Does it make more sense to break up with someone you have strong feelings for because the relationship wasn't working, or do you wait until the problems become unbearable and your feelings change to make a break?
When both parties are still in love, how do you cope with leaving someone and find closure?
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Comments (78)
Breakups always suck. Coping is never easy.
It makes perfect sense.
If you know the relationship is NOT going to work and you still have strong feelings for him/her, it's better to end it now (AFTER you try to fix it) than later when you're more emotionally attached to him/her. It'll just hurt both of you more in the long run. And sometimes, people stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
Better now than later.
how do you know you couldn't work through the issues??
This is hitting a bit too close to home. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Breaking up is just about the worst thing in the world.
My friend, I got with the perfect girl 5 years ago. I was really, really in love with her. We never had a single argument. We had just one, and we broke up. 5 years later, I felt that there were so many things that we could've just tweaked around to make the relationship work. After I matured a lot more than I was before, I realized that that one argument was so small, compared to the length that we have been together. Till this day, I regret breaking up with her. Till this day, I feel like I will never meet such a intelligent, beautiful, and kind girlfriend again.
My boyfriend and I broke up last week after being together 2 and a half years. I still love him and he still loves me. But it got to a point where it hurt me too much to be with him because of the way he acts towards me. I know that it would have gotten worse in time so I didn't want to stick around for when hell decided to visit us. It's the most horrible thing ever, to break up with someone you love but if you know it won't work out in the future then it's best not to drag it out wishing and hoping that MAYBE things will work out. You know deep down they won't, even if you love the person with your whole heart..As for closure, I'm still working on that. I guess you have to tell yourself that what's in the past stays in the past and the more you linger, the harder it will be to move on.
I believe that you should give it 100%, to try your best to work it out during the time you are together and if it gets to a point where you just can't take it anymore ( like it happened to me ) then the only good thing to do is let go.I believe people can change throughout a relationship and you should always give yourself a chance with someone no matter how badly matched you think you are at the time (if you love them).
My boyfriend and I of 2 years and some change broke up recently- my decision. Things started out amazing, but I can't say I really hadn't seen it coming. He moved and came back a different person and I almost wish I had the nerve to stand up and break up then and there, because I feel like I could have salvaged what was left of our friendship. Right now things are sore, miserable and awkward... and there are feelings there that I doubt will ever go away. We talked about marriage and were "promised" to each other- rings and all. The love... it's still burning- but when I comes down to it... It's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. I was searching for that someone to fill the void and for two years he did just that. Life was pretty amazing with him, and I wouldn't take it back for anything.
You start to wonder if you wasted all those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years- but it's what makes you ...who you really are. Everything happens for a reason- so give yourself the chance to be happy... don't think about "what if" and live for "what is" right now.
You can't tell the future, mannn.
You can't know for certain that things wouldn't have worked. Until. You've. Tried.
EDIT: Did you talk to her about these "problems" ? If you did, good job. If you didn't, it sounds like she was just left in the dark until it was too late.
@AShiftInDecision@xanga - I have to agree with you since I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment. My boyfriend filled the void as well,we also talked about marriage, we had an amazing relationship and I would do it all over again knowing how it ends up in pain. I don't regret a minute of it. You're right when you say "give yourself a chance to be happy" even if in the end if might not work out. Maybe it will. And then you'll hate yourself for not giving it a chance, to have something beautiful.
yes I still have feeling for my ex ...
I dumped my ex for dumb ass reason ...
because he was being asshole and he wasn't want to took me out on a date ...
he just want to see his friends ...
It's happened to me before. The break up before it really started.
I think the reason why you break up is all for the best. Of course you'll get hurt both ways (whether you wait it out and the problems are still there so then you break up, or you break up right when you know it wont work) but it's all for the better I guess.
It's happened to me before, but sometimes I wonder is it really better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all? It's either have the pain and pleasure or none of it.
If you felt it wasn't going to work because of differences between the two of you, it probably was a good thing you ended it before you got even more emotionally attached. Don't wonder about the "What if's" at this point. It isn't going to solve anything or change the past. You need to focus on the present, because the present is where you have the most power to make a difference. If you focus too much on the past, it consumes your present. If you focus too much on the future, you're practically not here anymore. So it is better to focus on the present and take things one day at a time.
i dont know if i would tell you to take a break because, sometimes they dont work either. but, I mean you if you really care about this person see what happens.. idk
honestly, you never 100% know for certain if a relationship will work or not unless you give it a try.
a personal philosophy of mine. and because of it, i continued to date the guy I'm still with (going on 3 years). the beginning seemed to show that we were incompatible, and we both felt that way, however, we both agreed to 'give it a try' and it's been working better than we anticipated.
so basically, you never know unless you try it out! I believe in 'natural break ups'!
I have no idea going through a similar situation right now except ours lasted for over 3 years and we were talking about getting married (he was the first one to bring it up)... Is there anything I can do to help myself move on. I realize I will always love him, but I just need something that will ease the intense I feel everyday.
If I have strong feelings, or omg love someone, I would never be able to break it off even though I knew "it wouldn't work". I'm oh so girly that way.
Thanks for this awesome article, looking thru ppls comments really havent swayed me to one decision but I guess i have my own story to tell but its too long. Ive recently broke up with my bf of 4 yrs. Ive been around xanga filling this emptiness and searching for answers. Sometimes when ur together evrything seems so unperfect then when u actually break up and then hangout theres this vibe/aura that pulls you two back together. You want to resist it but you wonder why is this happening now? I just wish sometimes we were able to make choices and know for a fact it was the right choice, but yea theres really no way of telling.
This is a quote fr a song:
"Love breaks your heart to teach you to be strong. I die just a little so I can live a little more"
and heres another one i love:
"Sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting, at times people need to fight for you. If they don’t you have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight until you can’t anymore then be fought for.”
it makes perfect sense. although you still have feelings for the person, you know it won't work out, so it's best to let it go.... =T
@ginger1087@xanga - You poor thing, I feel for you. I've been there too (actually I'm kinda there right now...) The only thing that will probably help is the passing of time (psshhh I know, right?) and finding someone else. I haven't found someone else yet, but the passing time thing is helping a little (as much as I hate to admit it). It' ll get better, hang in there!
Does it make more sense to break up with someone you have strong
feelings for because the relationship wasn't working, or do you wait
until the problems become unbearable and your feelings change to make a
break?
A: Honestly, these are both reasons to take a break from each other. But, upon reading your story, your reasons are not logical. You saw the problems coming and instead of trying to deal with the problems at hand or thinking of ways you can try to plan a compromise with her, you chose to not to try anything and rather end it.
Basically: YOU WUSSED OUT!
Take it from me, don't fuck up what you got. It's going to KILL you if your love of your life is giving her love to somebody else.
When both parties are still in love, how do you cope with leaving someone and find closure?
B: Again, you really shouldn't. One side in love with somebody else that has moved on will end up crushing the hell out of the one in love. No closure really.
feelings are totally irrational, and we all know of plenty of relationships in which love totally is not enough! i'm a firm believer in breaking up if you rationally think about a relationship and see nothing but problems even though you have strong feelings about a person. you're better off just being friends after your feelings cool down a bit!
this one sucks!
it's hard to cope with emotions, especially when you tried so hard but nothing works but you went through the thick and thin which adds to memory . sighs
This kind of situations aren't fun. But I think that sometimes time apart such as break ups can be good for both parties and the two can work well the next time around.
You just deal with it. Move on with your life, try to get things back to "normal." If you want to stay friends with her, that's your choice. The both of you would have to make an effort to make this post-break-up relationship to work.
I know I had a hard time coping with it. (My ex broke it off when I knew that he still loved me.) And to tell you the truth, he didn't tell me what the problems were, he ASSUMED that they weren't going to work out.
You know what happens when you assume? You make ASS out of U and ME.
If it doesn't work, you have to break it off, no matter how many feelings are involved.