Monday, 16 March 2009
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Selfishness and Selflessness in A Relationship
A problem I've found myself and my SO caught up in is that we are both willing to give up everything for our relationship. We both want the best for each other. We both want each other to think for their own good more - in other words, be more selfish. It might sound naive because this is my first time being in a real relationship.
The thing is, there's a question I always ask myself: why are you so selfless? I will do anything for her and she knows that I will. My studies had been my whole life; I was a very studious nerd. But now I spend most of my time with her, and for the short term this has been a huge sacrifice - I feel that my results have been slipping (don't worry, this is only for the time being - I know how to handle it. I'll be okay in the long run). I have almost completely cut down on my daily activities just so I can be with her more often. Okay, now back to the dilemma: having thought of this for a while, I think the answer to this is deep down, I am actually very selfish. Now, how does being selfless and selfish correlate?
My point is that only by being absolutely selfless can I have all her love, and that is the only thing I want. Wanting all her love for my own is the most selfish wish ever...at least that's what I think.
We've had an argument on this, actually - not a very big one, but a pretty heated conversation. The thing is, she wants to prove me her love by putting herself into a very tough dance competition with a leg injury. I kind of understand her position, as one of the competitors once had a crush on me and you know, these female traits...
But I want her to spend less time on it because her injury's getting more serious. I know this competition is her life, whether I'm included in the picture or not, so I'm not gonna ask her to quit.
So how can we be more selfish and selfless at the same time? Or does this problem not exist at all?
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- From: everyday
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Comments (19)
sometimes
It DOES exist, and the way to avoid it is to always maintain your own sense of individuality. If both of you give everything and expect this of the other person then soon neither of you will have anything left to give. Emotional burnout.
You should probably do a few things:
-Spend less time with her--distance can really make the heart grow fonder and it will allow you to appreciate each other without having to give everything.
-Remind her that her body is a temple of your love for each other (in a totally nonsexual way, even) and there's nothing you would love more than to have her take care of herself. Forget the other girl. Who cares!
-Clarify to each other than your love doesn't need to be validated. It should be able to stand on its own! In fact, I bet it can. But you have to stop "proving" yourself than it can!
This can often happen in people who are "new" to the relationship scene. It's good that you guys have at least tried talking about it, but you should also come to a sort of balance in the relationship. Not necessarily half and half, but an understanding that you love each other regardless of whether or not you each give 110% every moment of the day!
I'm selfless because I do things for my husband that he would appreciate without asking but at the same time, I'm selfish because when I do it, I know he loves and appreciate me more.
Most time, I think they can balance out. But it really depends what you are doing.
Being selfless is okay, but make sure that you have activities outside of the relationship which are meaningful, too. As in, if you break up, you don't want to end up sitting in your bedroom all day for a few months because you have no friends or hobbies.
As with a lot of things in life, everything in moderation. Have to give it your all for a relationship to work (and for them to do the same, of course) but also keep who you are in tact.
Wow, my boyfriend and I were in the same situation a little while ago. We got to the point in our relationship where we were always compromising our own decisions because we weren't sure how the other would react.
The thing about relationships that start to last a while is that all the "honeymoon" stuff starts to wear off. People can't keep acting like everything is perfect all the time, and that's what we figured out. After a while, you have to learn to be selfish. You have to just tell your SO what you want, and then they will either like the idea or they won't. It's all about give and take. There are certain points when, obviously, you shouldn't be so selfish, but if your SO is honest with you, you'll know when those times are.
Good luck!
I definitely agree with @LupusInvictus@xanga - having things outside the relationship is really important, and not just in the event you break up. It's important to maintain balance in your life which means you shouldn't give all your energy to your girlfriend, school, sports or whatever. One will always be more important, but don't neglect the rest.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - I really can't comment, you said it all!
well you're deff on point with everything. we like to be selfless because then it'll make them happy, and by making them happy, we'll be happy also. and we want to be happy. and i totally get where you're coming from! Because that's how i am and my bf is.
Up until the dance injury and competition, it sounds exactly like my SO and I. Yes the problem does exist. At least it does in mine. I don't know what to tell you. My SO and I went over this so many times, he asked me, hell even my best friend, asked me to think for myself first. Put myself as number 1 first, but I just couldn't do it.
I don't think this problem is all that common. Being opportunistic creatures, people are bound to take advantage of a selfless person. In my relationships, I'm normally the selfless one. It was normally not reciprocated. That's my sad reality.
You become selfless for your partner because you want to make them happy, and making them happy makes you happy, and vice versa. Of course, you need to think of yourself sometimes, and the other has to understand that. It's called priorities for a reason. There is always going to be something that is going to be more important than your SO (religious deity, education, etc.). But the important part is that you don't get so focused on one priority in your life that you forget the rest or the rest go down the pot.
My fiance and I have actually talked about this subject a great deal. This sounds like more like a case of having your own interests aside from theirs. It's a bit of give and take. You should have your own interests that you indulge in once in a while that may or may not necessarily involve her but do not put her out of the picture. As time goes on, granted you're honest with each other, you'll both learn how to balance your interests.
Another paradox of human nature: Independence vs. Attachment. Both exist and are hard-wired into us that the best approach is to strike a balance somewhere in between.
Yes, you can. There's also something call compromise.
Very interesting post!
I think there is a middleground for selfishness and selflessness. You just need to find the right balance, and I know it's not easy xD.
Lay down the law and tell her no. If you really want what is best for her, don't let her dance. Infact, drop yourself out of the dancing thing [if you really want her to feel better about it].
eee! i wanted to seem selfless because i was selfish. i knew that for a fact.
when he was injured i was selfless but i made it look like i was being selfish so he wouldn't hurt himself but really this makes me really selfish because i want whats best for him thus making me selfless.
BAHH. im selling shellfish by the seashore.
All of us are selfish by nature. We like pp, and want them to like us back. sometimes we want things our way, sometimes we bend over backwards to with things their way. Seriously? I think u have something going for u and i really see something good with her..so stop thinking selfish or selfless and somehow but both of u are centred in the fulfilment of ur own needs with each other and that is key.
Tell her to lay off the leg. Dancing is not everything. Her health is.