Saturday, 14 March 2009
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I'm FWB with My Best Friend
First of all, I know this post will make many judge me quickly and harshly, but save those comments, because I don’t want to read them. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t need you to add to it.I’ve been fooling around with my best guy friend for the last two months and bit. To be blunt, we are friends with benefits. We both know that it’s just for fun and strictly physical. At the same time we’re also best friends so I know everything about his love life and he does mine. Currently there’s a girl who he likes very much and the only reason they’re not together is because of distance. However, I found out from him that he’s going to be visiting and staying at her place for a week or so. Being the possessive person I am, I decided that it was only fair that we should stop doing anything sexual.
Now this is the part which confuses me. So when I said no to him multiple of times after I had told him I no longer wanted to fool around anymore, he felt used - used as in dumped without having any say as to when we would stop fooling around. He said that he doesn’t even know if anything is going to happen sexually between them, and therefore, there should be no reason for us to stop.
I forgot to mention that I don’t like to share. This means that if he decides to do anything sexual with any other girl I would stop doing anything with him. The only thing I don’t care about is making out/kissing.
So at this part of the conversation he asked me if I would continue to sex around with him till end of summer (then he moves away for school). Personally I don’t mind but I sort of feel like a backup slash rebound if he happens to get in no physical thing with that girl he likes/might end up dating once he moves there. Am I over thinking his intentions or should I be bothered by this request? I know that no matter what I’m not being naive when I say we’re going to remain friends but should I just leave it as it is and not agree to wait and see how next week goes?
Not to mention I’m a very hormone driven girl. I love sex very much and that’s why we have decided to fool around in the first place.
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Comments (41)
as long as he appreciates you.
but don't be just an accessory.
My best friend asked the same thing, friends with benefits, EXCEPT I don't go as far as sex.
It can be an emotional throw down. Just be careful not to let him toy with you, or your emotions.
Don't think of him as using you or using you as a backup; afterall, you two WERE physically connected before him and this other girl, am I right?
Do what you think is right.
um well I really don't believe in friends with benefits.
granted it is enjoyable I'm not going to lie... but it just messes with you emotionally and he is going to find someone else if you are not in a committed relationship. If I were you I would just try to find someone to maybe get into a relationship with... if you don't like your best friend and only want to fool around with him than who says it is not okay to find someone else like he's doing to you? I don't know I just think that you shouldn't be possessive over a guy who is not yours... even if he is your best friend.
Well, I'm not sure if I'm good for advice on this one, as I married my last FWB... BUT, the one thing I can say to you is make sure you ALWAYS have the upper hand in the relationship... it just seems less likely to get your heart involved if you are making the decisions when to and when not to... in my experience at least. Good luck btw, and remember... you were first, not her, so you will NOT be his "backup"
Back in the day... I had several FWB relationships. Some where more aquaintances that friends, in that we never hung out, we never drank together, we just got together for sex. While others, we were friends. Sadly, I am not friends with any of those FWB people. It just doesn't work.
Sex and our emotions are tied together. It is meant to be an emotional, bonding experience. It is how we were a programed at the genetic level, especially women. When a woman orgasms, hormones are released in the brain to bond you to the man who got you there. It is biology, baby... and to fight it leads to sadness.
@asdfghjkieu@xanga - I agree that feeling appreciated it important. Once that stops happening, then you should know that you're not in the right "relationship" anymore.
If you're really best friends with him then I think you should be able to transition to wherever the next spot in your life is. There is also a good chance that once he leaves he will realize how important you are to him.
Like an above poster, I'm now in a permanent relationship with my last FWB. The truth is that the emotional connection that can hurt best friends gone FWB, can also bring friends much closer together. Even if you don't end up with him, you will have a deeper connection.
I think you were validated in asking to stop physical interaction if he pursues another girl. It's not fair to her or you.
I should also point out that I strongly believe in enjoying what you have WHILE you have it. When he's gone to school, you'll miss him!!! Enjoy him while he's here (sexually or otherwise).
I agree with pretty well everything irishgrrl690@xanga has to say, mostly because I'm the best friend. :)
i think by him asking you to do it til summer should make U feel used. i say don't do it.
You guys are friends with benefits so I don't see why you guys have to stop being sexual when and if he is sexual with someone. I mean, you guys are not in a committed relationship or exclusive at all.
But I think I kind of, sort of, understand why you would stop being sexual with him if he's being sexual with someone else. Or not.
I mean, I just don't get it. Why be possessive over someone who you are not even in a committed relationship with? And why do you feel like a rebound? I mean, isn't the whole "friends with benefit" thing the sole purpose of enjoying one another without commitment?
At some point emotions are going to get involved, especially with a best friend. Even if you feel you can be strictly FWB, the longer that continues the harder its going to be.
It could be a part of the possessiveness that he feels, and that he thinks you guys should continue, or it could be that you feel entitled (not in a bad way at all) that you should still be exclusive if someone else comes in the picture, and that once they are there, you are not.
Just sit down and evaluate it, and if you have to, talk it out. That's all you really can do.
STOP NOW. OH MY GOD.
I went through the EXACT same thing. I don't want to be mean, but you WILL NOT get together. I was in the same situation as you for THREE YEARS, because I had the mentality that you did. You need to stop, otherwise it will never end. I promise. Sorry, just needed to say that.make sure its only physical. but it seems like you've gotten a ltitle emotional
I've been in your situation...for the most part.
If you want to keep going, then do it. Because if you know you want it, and you say no, you are going to regret it, big time. But if you feel uncomfortable with it, then stop, becuase you can't do something you aren't comfortable with. do what will make you happy, and screw the rest of the world.
Haha that sucks =|
Right now i'm eh, for lack of better words, playing around with a guy. We don't want to be with each other, we just kind of hang out alot, make out a lot, etc. Everyone's always asking "so are you two together" And we're just like nahhh. It makes me feel whorish, but i'm not having sex with him, and we're not messing with other people at the same time. It's kind of like being together without the title. It sounds dumb, but it just works for both of us. Heres how i'm relating this, i've often asked him if he's just using me and stuff. It kind of plays with my emotions more than i intended, especially the longer i'm not with him, because obviously i'm a girl, and girls tend to get attached. So don't let your best friend turn you into anything where you feel used. Make sure it's benefitting the both of you.
Personally I don't like a FWB relationship. Once a guy friend asked me to fool around with him and I refused.
I agree with pasaway4eva@xanga.
I have never been good at FWB. I have one right now. But we are both getting attached to eachother. I think you should enjoy it while you have it, but if you feel like you are getting attached i would stop.
You told him you dont want to do that kind of thing with him anymore. End of story. He should respect that, and understand. What if you had a guy you really liked? He isn't acting like a 'best friend' in this situation, but just some selfish horny guy.
Now if you continue to have sex with him, its not going to be for 'you' anymore, but for him, because apparently he feels 'used', and the reason your writing this post is cos you feel bad for saying no to him, and are asking us if you should just go against your own instincts and do what 'he' wants cos he feels 'used'. He's just emotionally manipulating you so he can continue to fuck someone before he goes away.
Don't waste time fucking him, use it to find someone who'll ACTUALLY care about you, then you can let your hormones go wild;P
No best friend would treat you this way.
Sorry to be so blunt but this is what happens when you have sex without any strings attached. Or... to be quite honest... when you have sex outside of wedlock. People change, things happen and feelings get hurt.
Sex is a sacred act between a man and a woman that should be saved for MARRIAGE. It disgusts me how casual people are with sex, giving it away at the drop of a hat to people who have no romantic interest in them. Yes you love sex... but do you love yourself enough to wait to give it up to someone you'r actually going to marry? When you ARE married??
isnt it obvious that you have already fall for him?but just that both of you dont wanna be together..
note: in this kinda scenarios its a disadvantage for you if you really cant afford to 'play' the game(eg being the spare SP)..since you love sex so much there's no reason why you should be afraid of being his sex partner..and his best friend at the same time
i dont know about you.but you're definitely falling for him
@MelodicPuppy@xanga - Took the words right out of my mouth!
Don't worry about him saying you are using him. You aren't. It's clear you just don't want to share ie. open relationship. HE wants to use you and hurt you until this other girl gets in the picture? That would feel like second rate to me and not good enough. Think of you.
stick to what you originally wanted, no fooling while he's trying to snag another girl (or you will be the rebound fuck buddy)--driving yourself into a jealous rage over a non-romantic relationship is just going to bring you down (not to mention just not fun at all)....
do you really like your friend romantically? because jealousy usually implies some previous tender feeling (and since you are not dating, you don't get a good reason to be jealous anyway).
just sayin'
also, if you really like sex that much, you can find someone to replace your friend in that area (never seems to be a shortage of guys who want some fun)....
however, this whole situation begs the question, "why do you care?"
I will most certainly Not judge, having been there myself. I dunno, such a thing could work with some people, in my instance it fucked me right over. We decided to stop doing anything, because he had a thing for a mutual friend. We stopped for awhile, then started again..... then recently stopped again because they started seeing each other.
Anyway, it was an emotional, twisty, ridiculous mess for All involved parties, and even a few uninvolved. I am going to say that if either one of you are emotionally involved in Any way {as it kind of sounds like} then you should stop. Either that or start an actual relationship, but by being there during his attempts at getting this girl you are setting yourself up for heartache.