Saturday, 14 March 2009
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When Your SO Doesn't Support Your Endeavors
I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years last week. After constant fights because he has issues with trust and jealousy, I finally gave up hope that he will ever change and treat me with respect. Every time I'm upset and we argue, he says cruel words that end up scarring me, as if on purpose to hurt me. Here's my deal: I want to be a professional tennis player and I need to surround myself with people who give me confidence and boost my self esteem and who believe in me. He never has believed I can achieve my dreams. Just because I've failed in the past, doesn't mean I won't make it in the future. A few months ago he called me a loser. We were hitting the ball back and forth, and out of nowhere, he got mad and told me I'm a loser who will still be here in five years practicing on these courts. That hurt really bad.
He said he was sorry and didn't mean it, that he wanted to help me. (I never got the feeling that he wants me to succeed or that he is behind me no matter what since the beginning). I forgave him. Then a month later, he accused me of having crushes on all the guys I meet, that that's who I am and that he can't trust me.
The thing is, this summer I did like a guy because he was very positive and made me believe in myself, something my boyfriend never did. And I realized that that's the kind of person I need in my life. But I chose to give my boyfriend another shot and work things out. BF found out that I liked that guy, and since then, he says he can't trust me. Even though I told him that nothing happened and that the guy was giving me the emotional support that my BF never did and never will, BF didn't seem too interested.
Later that week, I told him about a dream I had about us living together, and he told me to put it aside. I got so mad because just a week ago, he told me he had the same dream. What a hypocrite! So I didn't talk to him the whole day; later, we started arguing and he said that until he can trust me, he can't think about moving in together, even in dreams. So things got really bad after that. He blew up at me and said that I'm a daddy's girl, who will never leave the nest even when I'm 30, that I need to grow up; that he wants a normal GF who has accomplished things and takes responsibility for herself; and that he was done dealing with a nobody.
I'm a nobody? That really hurt.
I mean, yeah, I don't have a job; I'm pursuing my dream, taking college classes and giving tennis lessons here and there. But as a person, I'm very accomplished, and for him to say that really hurt, especially when he thinks he's so much better than me because he makes a lot of money. He only makes that money because he had a good connection, not because he deserves it or because he's good enough. Everything is handed on a plate to him. He sleeps in until 10 a.m.and works for two hours a day, while I'm busting my butt at 8 a.m. on the tennis court for two hours, then back to studying, then giving lessons, then back to practicing two more hours and studying at night. And I'm a nobody?
When he said that, I just exploded and realized that I reached my limit and that I can't take all this emotional abuse. He has said too many hurtful things to me that I can't forget. And knowing that he doesn't believe I can be anything just hurts me even more.
Has your SO ever told you he/she doesn't believe you can achieve your goals? How did you react?
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About the Author
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- From: missedout_onlife@xanga
- Name: missedout_onlife
- About Me: We accept the love we think we deserve
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Comments (30)
Your boyfriend doesn't support your endeavors because he feels like HE'S NOT PART OF IT. He feels like you're putting tennis before him - and to him, it seems like he'll never be the most important thing in your life.
I feel you though. If Tennis is your passion and your number one priority, there is nothing wrong with that. If he can't take it and is giving you little to no support, you should've dumped him a long time ago. Nobody deserves verbal abuse like that. And I think you know that... him putting you down is a manifestation of jealousy.
Also I agree that you need somebody who will be a positive figure while you're pursuing your dream. However, even if you find a new boyfriend who's supportive, there's a chance he may become your ex and feel the same way. He might feel that your life revolves around tennis and he's not important enough. So I say... enjoy the single life as long as you can because there will be less complications :).
Sounds to me that he simply didn't want you to achieve your goals. A lot of the time people act like he did in an attempt to keep the person from trying, so that they don't. Sounds like he was a control freak. Then again, I'm only making assumptions. No matter how you cut it, he was a jerk and you're better off.
My SO has never acted like that before. He's always behind me, he encourages me, and he believes in me just as much as I believe in him. I'm lucky for that, because many people don't get SO's who're like that.
Good for you for leaving him.
you deserve better than that.. anyone does!
if any guy treated me like that i would have dumped his ass that day! and i think i have..
my ex was air the whole time we were together.. which was 4 days.. i couldn't find him and that was it.. i dont see the point!
Good for you. Dump the chump!
You really don't need somebody like that in your life.
Kudos to you for leaving him. I'm kinda in a similar position. I really like the guy, but the way he treats me doesn't always make me too happy.
I hope things work out better for you in the future, and good luck pursuing your dream!
didn't...but i'm sure it will be hurt...especially from he person who we need their support and care...
I don't believe when people say I can't do anything. That's bs. So you shouldn't believe when others say you can't do anything because you can.
I have plenty of expletives lined up, but they're probably not going to help, so I'll save them for some other poor, unsuspecting chap. Good for you for pursuing your dreams and doing something with your life!
I don't have a significant other, but family comes in after that, I suppose. They want what's best for me financially and futuristically, so no D-list movie star life for me ;D. Hahaha.
Why were you guys together in the first place?
I'm happy for what you did. You don't need a guy like him in your life. You should definitely be with someone who is willing to support you in any way that they can.
I had an ex-boyfriend that didn't like how I haven't figured myself out at the age of 17 -- meaning what are my exact likes, dislikes, favorite food, what I'm passionate about, etc. He'd get frustrated because he felt like he couldn't figure me out when he was "easy to read." It was ridiculous. A friend recently told me that "you were young, how were you suppose to know who you are?" At least, I'm out of that relationship now.
you are so much better than him! forget about him, i'm glad you are able to move on and good luck becoming a pro!
who needs that kind of negativity in their lives? =)
What he was doing wad completely out of line. He is an ass. If you work hard enough you can achieve your goals and dreams. My dream is to become an Ultrasound Tech. (yeah geeky I know haha) and everything I don't go good or fail a test or something my boyfriend is always right there by my side trying to help me and tell me I can do it and gives me the confidence to get right back up.
Good idea on dumping him cause he will never change. maybe date the other guy? He seemed nice.
I agree with the general sentiment here - he doesn't sound like he appreciates you for who you are, and if he doesn't trust you then you shouldn't be dating him.
"...he was done dealing with a nobody." Give him his wish. Get him out of your life.
what a jerk...good thing u left!
i broke up with him. i don't take that kind of shit from guys.
i broke with him like you should have done a long time ago, the first time he told you that you were a loser.
it's never too late to start moving in the right direction.
What a jerk. My ex was similar. He flipped out at me once b/c an old friend from grade school (who I knew a lot longer than my ex) gave me a ride home from a bar one night. NOTHING happened at all, he just gave me a ride. My ex wasn't one to talk though b/c he was away at school doing whatever he wanted. He told me I made bad decisions. After that I realized the only bad decision i had made was keeping him around. So I got rid of him.
Now that he's out of your life, you can surround yourself with people who encourage you and believe that you will achieve your goal. Your self esteem will go through the roof now that you don't have any haters in your life. Good luck with everything :)
I broke up with one boyfriend because I could see that he didn't really believe in my dreams, even though he knew that I'm incredibly driven and the two bachelor's degrees I'm about to get fully match it.
I broke up with another because he was excited about my dream but not excited about the work that went in to get there, and not logistically available to help with it when I do.
Sounds like you need to be single for a while and make sure that you can go this alone.
"I need to surround myself with people who give me confidence and boost my self esteem and who believe in me.."
I think you need to surround yourself with people like that all the time regardless what profession you choose to do.
I'm glad you said enough was enough. Some people who has been emotionally abused almost always never get out of the relationship because they are emotionally dependent on the other. And then they start to believe the words their significant other says and doubt themselves.
You can do anything you set your mind to. There may be some obstacles on the way but if you're determine, you'll reach it.
Don't put up with that rubbish! True, he may feel left out, but if he had any maturity, he'd just say so rather than all the passive-aggressive bullshit.
Good for you! Doesn't it feel good to stand up now that nobody is pushing you down?
wow, hes a super loser. im glad you dumped him because you need someone who will support you and be there for you. and he obviously couldn't do that. good for you for dumping him.
OMG, i went through this EXACT situation!!
i had a BF my freshman year (he was a sophomore) who hated my dream of becoming a music teacher. i was in every band/chorus thing imaginable, auditioned & made all south/all state bands, and got alot of attention for it. he was just a loser who wanted me to give up everything for him. for awhile, i let him push me around and i let go of a lot of my friends.
luckily, my BGF never let go. eventually my BF made it clear that he wanted me to let go of my BGF and my dreams. i refused to stop performing, dumped him, and eventually fell in love with my BGF. he was good for me-loved THE REAL ME and supported my dream of becoming a HS band director, something women just dont really do. i wouldnt be where i am today without him, and i wouldnt have had him if i hadnt left my first boyfriend.
GOOD FOR YOU. =)
Yeah, I think he was worried that you're going to start forgetting about him when you succeed in you dreams. He was too self-conscious and began to put you down.
:/ Hope things work out for you and good luck in tennis!