Friday, 13 March 2009
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How Do You Know When You're In Love?
When I was 15 years old, I fell in love with a boy. It was an immediate attraction, and when we started dating, I became infatuated. When I was with him, it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. We spent long stretches of time just looking into each other's eyes and touching each other; we spent as much time together as possible, and we wrote each other notes to pass in the halls of our high school (yeah, that was before the days of constant texting!) . I thought that's what love was. I thought I was in love. And even today I still would not deny that I had incredibly powerful feelings for him - but those feelings were not based on anything about him I found particularly amazing. They had nothing to do with his personality or how funny he was or anything like that; they were immediate and physical and chemical. That's not to say they were just a result of lust; in fact, we didn't sleep together until a few years into our relationship. We dated for more than five years before I broke up with him my junior year of college.
The reason I'm questioning all this now is because I'm in a long distance relationship with a man now. We went to college together, but we both had SOs and were never more than acquaintances; we reconnected last year over the Internet (ugh of course), and we've been dating since. We live in different cities now, but it's not that bad - we see each other every few weeks. But I need some advice--while I feel confident that I love my SO and care deeply about him, it's hard for me to tell if I'm in love with him.
It's just that all those infatuated feelings I had for my SO in high school - when I thought for sure that I was in love - I don't have the same ones with my current SO. My feelings for him aren't all-encompassing like they were with my high school squeeze. Sure, I am attracted to him. He makes me laugh. We connect in really amazing and sometimes creepy ways after only a few months together (reading the other person's thoughts, knowing what the other person wants, etc.). He loves me and does wonderful things to show me that he does. But that chemical, physical feeling of infatuation is not there. What do you think?
Is this a new type of grown-up love that I just haven't experienced before, or is there really something missing?
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About the Author
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- From: misselephant
- About Me: I'm pretty bad at relationships, but I try really hard. I love writing, blogging, reading, eating, exercising, and sexing. That list is not all inclusive. My Ideal SO is someone who challenges me. That's just about the only requirement, aside from the basics: being sweet, caring, loving, supportive, funny, all that stuff. Being adventurous in bed doesn't hurt either.
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Comments (126)
I don't know for sure, but it sounds like you're being more realistic about this current relationship, and that's good. Love isn't only about mushy, romantic feelings. I believe that in a true-love relationship, both people must be grounded on earth at least half the time. Why? Because being in the clouds all the time is just absurd.
I have to agree with bella esperanza. I think real love is a balance of love and hate (or dislike since hate seems too strong of a word). When your around the person they put an automatic smile on your face because being around them makes you happy.. You love their jokes and their laugh. You love their stubble, their hair, their hands. You hate it when they try to up one you sometimes, but you accept it because they are only human and nobody can be perfect.
Hope I helped = D
The first thing you need to know is that ALL love is different. Different people means it'll feel different in loving them. Sometimes romances with two different people can be amazingly similiar but there's always something to make it different.
I know this, because I've been examining how I've felt about the people I've been in relationships with over the years, and I've basically come to this conclusion.
With my most significant relationship, there was this..Connection. We didn't meet in a physical location, a friend gave him my email knowing we'd probably like eachother (forever the matchmaker, my friend is)...for a long time, we just goofed off and flirted. We didn't read eachother's minds, but we had an uncanny knack for telling how the other was feeling, and when we were together...it was almost as if everything else melted away.
Magnets. Drawn to one another..so eventually, we worked up the courage to talk to eachother about it and decided that yeah we did love eachother, so from then on...we were together. The connection isn't something I can explain. It's not the physical attractiont that existed (and while we didn't end up getting a chance to sleep together, it was the most powerful I've ever felt)...it was something seperate, that ties us together -- even now, we're ex's and it's still there. We still understand eachother without needing our past history to account for how much.
Then there was my spring fling. It wasn't love exactly, it was how he made me feel safe.
Then there was that girl..who I really shouldn't have allowed myself to feel for, with the signs that she was flighty and not much for committment or deep relationships (even though this was a slow-evolving love, based on how much I liked her for her personality...she was just, different. Maybe not outstanding. But different.)
Then there's the loves we hide from ourselves. Like the one that had developed for my best friend that I kept shying away from, afraid I'd ruin a perfectly good friendship that I wasn't sure I was strong enough to go on without.
That was a soft love, a deep affection and admiration, I loved everything about her and I loved how we just...worked, together.
It's all different. It's not all fireworks and magnetism. And it's all wonderful. You just gotta get a feel for how far your love goes and how far it CAN go. Could it be the forever kind? All questions to ponder over a day of treating yourself to your favorite things, *nods*
I think it's good that you feel this way. You're really into him for him. Maybe when the distance closes, you'll have more time to physically connect, and you'll find that there's chemistry between the two of you in all aspects. Of course, there's the age-old question of whether you're in love with your significant other. That's really for you to decide, since barely any of us know you personally. Do you accept him the way he is, flaws and qualities? Do you see yourself spending your life with him? Do you trust him? That last question was kind of out there, but it's relevant in a relationship. Judging from the description, I'd say you could be in love with or falling for him, but I could be way off base. Haha, as Toni Morrison says, "Be true, Be true, Be true." Although, I don't think she meant that as a romantic line. Good luck!
Long-distance relationship where you see each other every few weeks...
First idea that comes to my mind is that maybe the relationship isn't as physical as you'd like.
As for how you know if you're in love or not... well, if you have to ask that question, you're not in love. When you're in love, you just know it. No questions asked.
@MyFreedomWings@xanga -
The first thing you need to know is that ALL
love is different. Different people means it'll feel different in
loving them. Sometimes romances with two different people can be
amazingly similar but there's always something to make it different.
I concur.
All love is different with different people. It can't be the same with everyone. Similar but not exactly the same.
Most of the time, you love them for different reasons.
But I wouldn't spend my time wondering if I'm in love with him. I'll just enjoy my time with him and see where it takes us.
OH MY GOD, i feel you. I have the same dilemma. I'm divorcing my S/O, which i met back in high school, and i've met someone else who just gets me like no one else ever has......only problem? The intensity of the love is different. I tell myself its because i was infatuated with my S/O from high school just like you were with yours. I guess that's what happens when you're young and get carried away by that unbeatable, i'm-on-top-of-the-world love. I dont feel like true love is like that though.......it's steady, it's more of a connection that lasts because you actually have things in common, it's tempered, it's a happy feeling. I think you're on the right track and i think i am too. :)
@bella_esperanza@xanga - agreed.
but....
i do hope that you are actually physically attracted to the guy. a certain physical chemistry is key, too.
love does not equal romance, so maybe the difference between your two relationships is confusing you, but what you have with your current SO sounds much deeper and real than the "love" you shared with your highschool sweetheart.
don't get discouraged, cuz love is pretty deep and is not just hugs and kisses, and it seems like you are learning that, so just keep it and see where it goes :) you never know for sure
i know exactly where you're coming from. I was in the same situation only the boyfriend and I live together. After the first few months i started thinking what you are thinking now. But bella_esperanza is right. Now that you are grown up, you know more about yourself and what you want. In reality, a mate is more than just someone you have the warm and fuzzies for, its someone you can talk to, laugh with, trust, take care of you, ect.
This is my advice. Picture your life five years from now? what do you see? If you can't picture him in your future, maybe your feelings aren't as deep as you think they are.
Everyone feels different when they're in love, they all have different experiences. While one girl may be in love and get butterflies, another might not. While one guy can't stop thinking about his girl when he's in love, another might have more "control" on his thought patterns. Basically, nobody can tell you how you know when you're in love. There's a chance that their feelings during being in love are totally different from yours.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Agreed!
different person.....my first can makes my heart beat fast...but now, i think i like someone**, but my heart cant beat fast....
You know you are in love when you can't stop smiling everytime you think of him/her.
I was in the same boat as you. For one of my ex boyfriends when I saw him I wouldn't be able to talk or eat in front of him or anything cause of the butterflies. When I started dating my current boyfriend it wasn't like that at first. But with him, I can be myself and he doesn't carem and loves me for me. This relationship is more realistic than the other one too. Now I do get those butterflies with my boyfriend now and he makes me smile and I constantly want to be with him, etc.
Love is a choice. Yes, there should be chemistry between you two and
you should be somewhat infatuated with him, but in the end, you have to
choose whether you want to love him or not. because when those
infatuated feelings fade (and they will), your choice will carry on.
this important, so listen up. this is the key to any relationship. love is a choice, not a feeling. basically you choose a person and choose to love them day in and day out no matter what despite the feelings. your feelings will change all the time and cannot be counted on. not that feelings of being in love are bad, i constantly feel in love with my husband bc we do our best (by choosing) to make the other feel good by small little acts and the things we say. You dont marry someone because you feel like youre in love with him. You marry each other bc you both make a commitment to choose every single day to love that person. love is a verb. Love and respect one another and you can be very happy together
Love to me, means I'm thinking about them all the time. It means that with everything I say, do, every choice I make, I make it because I want to, not to please them - but at the same time, I can see them there either nodding, or smiling, or imagining what they say. I think about how everything I do affects them when they're not around. I have their face in my mind constantly.
And I know it's love when they're doing the same thing in return. ^_^
@cubancutiepie@xanga, @grl, @madna@xanga, @AngelsSingForYou@xanga -
This post has been incredibly encouraging to me, especially everyone's responses. I've really been struggling lately in a similar way -- my SO is absolutely in love with me, I know this... but I end up questioning whether I'm in love with him.
I want to be infatuated with him...but I'm just not, not the way I want. I came this week to visit during my spring break (we're in an LDR), and hoped and hoped for some kind of romance. Instead, he worked and I *should've* done homework. To me, I felt like it was a wasted week because there were no fireworks. But... he tried to make me happy, and I tried to make him happy, and I don't really know how much more I can ask from the situation. Isn't that the recipe you really need for happiness and longevity?
I loved my ex - my first grown-up relationship - dearly. But I wasn't in love with him.
I only know that now because I am IN LOVE (yes, warranting all caps) with my current boyfriend. I think being in love means you've moved from caring about the well-being of another person and enjoying their company to having all of that AND this constant desire to know more of them, feeling like no matter how much time you've spent together, there is always something else to learn from or about them.
With the ex, I didn't have that feeling of curiosity about him. With the current, I do; I also want to share everything about my life with him (even the not-so-glowy parts) because I feel that he's genuinely interested in me as a person, and vice versa. There is a bit of infatuation to it, too. Not the crazy, flash-in-the-pan type, but as I said before: that ongoing sense of intrigue about someone.
Love can be so many different things to each person. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, and see where you two go together.
wow, I'm actually in the same situation as you. I'm in a long-d relationship but I don't feel like I'm "in love" although I do know I love my SO.
It's a toughie. But I think love is different with different people. It's a lot more real than a high school relationship and you're faced with more challenges.
I think the long-distance thing could be part of the reason. You can't stare into each other's eyes. You can only stare at their words on the computer screen.
The one you loved in High school was your puppy love ^^ and you never get over your puppy love, they will always been special in your heart. The feelings you felt for him will never fade, those feelings were for him and him alone.
But now your in a relationship with someone that you have things in common with, you know him so well that sometimes you can read his mind, you know the touch of his hand makes you feel happy, and probably that no matter how horrible you feel, he will always find a way to put a smile on your face.I think This is a grown up, mature version of the love you had in high school. Maybe its not the rush of shivers you get at his hand, maybe its not the physical electric reactions. but its the trust, the gentle touch, the concerned looked if you look sad, the sweet letters just because he missed you, the random hugs because he hasnt seen you in awhile. Small jokes just between the two of you
But here's the question, could you see yourself with him forever. Would you happy to have him for the rest of your life, could you depend on him the rest of your life? could you have fights with him and then know its going to be okay, because you both love each other too much to ever leave? its things like these that help determine if your in love.
I kinda know where your at. I just found out that one of my best friends was going out with my puppy love, and I seriously questioned if I was still in love with him because I didnt feel the same for my current man that I did for him.
But you know, I realized with my current boyfriend that... I get lonely without him. And its not the sort of lonelyness that my girlfriends can fix, its him. Its his smile I need to see when I'm down, its his random comments to get my mind off whatevers stressing me out, his fingers going through my hair, its him just smiling and saying ' I missed you alot' even though we talked on the phone like three hours before. Its his kiss, and its his voice that I need and want before I fall asleep.
I dont know if that helps, I hope it does. But I'm just saying, dont expect the same things for your current love that you had with your first love, cause those feelings were for one person only. They were new to you, so they're never going to feel the same afterwards
it's hard to explain what love is because there really is no right or wrong answer. it's what you make of it because everyone has their own definition of what love is to them. my advice, don't over think it, just let it work its course, and if you fall, you pick up yourself and dust yourself off and start again.