Friday, 13 March 2009
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Conservative Backgrounds, Sex and Family
Coming from a strictly conservative background and being flung into a complete lack thereof now that I'm out on my own, I have come into an interesting situation. If you asked me right now, I would tell you I am one hundred percent sure that I am going to marry the man I am currently dating. But here's the hiccup: We've only been dating for three months as of Monday.
Now, I've heard plenty of stories about people who live happily ever after when they get married a month after being introduced, but I've also heard about people who divorce each other after thirty plus years of marriage. In that respect, I have been raised to think that you date people for at least a year before you get married (four is a better number). I have been raised to believe you shouldn't say "I love you" until you are engaged to someone. I am raised to believe you should marry a virgin.
I was raised to believe the woman I have become is going to burn in hell. And this pains me a lot.
To start with, my boyfriend and I have had sex. He is the only man I have ever been with, and we had sex five weeks after we started dating. What's weird is that after living my life with the belief I will explode in a messy ball of grief and become a blundering basket case if I ever did that, I'm shocked and slightly concerned that not only do I not care, I don't regret it, and we continue to have ... erm... a "healthy" sex life (let's just use that word for now).
He told me two weeks into the relationship that he loved me. And I reciprocated. It was late at night and we were in bed together only partially dressed, but he said it. The moment completely caught me off guard because 1. I've never had a man tell me he loves me, although I'm sure one or two have thought it; 2. the physical closeness was overwhelming; 3. I was, at the time, still trying to recover from the last man I loved using me as the other woman and the general theme of men treating me like crap and or a piece of meat.
I cried. I cried because I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I cried because I was relieved that I wasn't worthless or crazy the way the last guy made me feel.
I don't plan on ever telling my family. Not because I'm afraid of what they'll do, but because after the horrible last few years we've had, we don't need one more thing that could threaten to distance us or tear us apart. Life has done that well enough on its own. I plan to wear a white wedding dress, and I will continue to wear my promise ring because my family needs me to be the good girl they think I am.
So I have three questions:
1. Are we moving too fast to talk about being married in a little over a year when we've only been dating three months?
2. Should I feel bad or slutty about having sex with him?
3. Am I doing the right by lying to my family to protect them?
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Comments (60)
All I have to say is follow your heart. :)
If you're happy, then that's what you should do. If not, well then.. It's not meant to be.
1. That answer really lies with you two. If you guys truly love each other and feel that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and vice versa, then no, you're probably not moving too fast at all. It's really depends on how you feel about him and how he feels about you.
2. No, you shouldn't. Sex is a wonderful thing shared between two people. Whether or not it was out of love or maybe just because you wanna feel that rush, you shouldn't deem yourself slutty at all. I understand that you were raised to not have premarital sex, but I guess as long as you don't regret it, you will be fine. Besides, if you want to be excellent at it by your honeymoon, you should practice, right?
3. There are some things that you just shouldn't reveal to protect yourself and others. It's up to you to decide what they should or shouldn't know. I feel that your sex life is one of the things they don't need to know about.
hi there!
1. time is relative and only you know your heart, never let anyone tell you what youre doing is wrong they don't suffer the consequences
2. No, you've made an informed decision. sex is an expression of love, and if you love him and trust him and are ready, by no means are you a slut dear.
3. some things are better off unsaid ;] hahah. well, that's a hard one. im sorry i cant answer it. i understand really well what youre saying, since my family is conservative and very religious.
I don't think you should finalize anything marriage-wise. But there's no harm in discussing it with him.
I don't think you should feel guilty about having sex, but I do think it's too deceptive to continue wearing the promise ring.
i'm in a very similar situation as you. i've been with my bf for 3 months and we've had sex though i was raised not to until marriage and he said that he loved me first. wow. i think that if you put God (or whoever first) and focus on that, things will fall into place. i personally would not tell my family either-look out for the best interest of you two. i haven't talked about marriage to my bf, yet, but i do think about it a lot. good luck!!
1. A bit, but you can discuss your potential futures and stuff. Just speculation, and the hypothetical... nothing definite yet.
2. Definitely not. Sex is beautiful. Even if you don't end up marrying him, you still love him and you had sex with him because of that love. You shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting to express love.
3. For now, it's better not to tell them. That's for sure. Later on, it might be a good idea to talk to them... I doubt they'd disown then.
I don't think you're a slut. If you don't regret it and you were ready to have sex with him, then I don't see anything wrong. Sex is more personal thing, a less morally definitive thing than something like murder or stealing, both which are universally considered wrong.
Not telling your family might protect them, but I don't know how much it would hurt you. Keeping a secret like this isn't easy, I would imagine, and it could take a really heavy toll on you. Whether or not they approve, they're still your family. I can imagine how difficult it would be to tell them the truth, and I know that family can be unforgiving at times, but you have to remind them that, in the end, family members should always support one another.
Maybe you think the guy you're with is the one you're going to marry. For your happiness, I hope it's true. That doesn't mean it's right or wrong of you to have had sex; that's for you to decide. Since you were willing to take that step, no one else should tell you how to live your life. After all, there's no use in crying over spilled milk - except, in this case, the milk didn't really spill in your mind. Haha.
Sweetie, you are not going to "burn in hell."
God forgives you for your sins.
As for whether you're rushing it or not, I don't believe that anyone can answer that question except for yourself. Wait until at least you've been together for six months to a year, and you'll be better able to judge. When you first begin dating someone, the first few months there is so much chemistry and hormones going on, that it's sometimes hard to adequately judge. Personally, I would take my time, and enjoy the wonderful relationship that you have, and watch it evolve as you go. It really is an amazing experience. Over the past year, my SO and I have grown so much, and it's unbelievable.
And to the question if you're doing the right thing by not telling your parents...I would say that in one respect, they would get mad at you if they ever found out later on that you had never told them; but then again they would get mad if you flat out told them. I don't see a reason for you to have to openly state, "Mom, Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore." If it somehow comes out, then you'll have to tell them the truth. But it shouldn't be something that you're required to tell them, unless you become pregnant.
In my opinion, you can talk about marriage, but it doesn't mean you have to act upon it. Talking about it is good because then at least you know you are both on the same page. You don't have to rush into marriage though. As long as you have that option, you both know you want the same thing, then take as much time as you want. Personally, i never think it's too early to talk about something like that. I DO think, though that it is too soon. You may feel 100% positive that this is the right guy for you, but what's the rush? If he's still with you 10 years from now, then he's still with you, married or not.
As for your parents, i think you should tell them. Sex is important, let them know that. It's not like you're going around sleeping with anybody. He's important to you. As for the "being the good girl". Having had sex doesn't make you a bad girl. You just have to come about the subject the right way. Good luck
1. It depends on your relationship and your past experience. I'd need more details to say.
2. No. Don't listen to what OTHER people say - that judgment should come from within. If you don't inherently feel guilty, then don't allow others to impose their guilt on you.
3. No. If you love your family, you should not lie to them. You may lie by omission, but to flat-out lie to their faces? That's absolutely wrong. IF they love you, too, they will forgive you.
There is no harm discussing marriage, i think any healthy relationship that looks to the future discusses that.
Dont feel slutty! Sex is natural in a committed relationship, and for some, even out of it. It's human nature to have needs and an innate want to be close to someone so INDULGE in it with your love, you two love each other!!
If you feel you have to lie to make your family happy then do so, but maybe you should come out with it. If they "banish" you for being happy and having other beliefs, that's too bad. Your family raised you in such a way that doesnt let you be independent and frame your own thought process and moralities because of their faith. In my opinion, that is wrong. We are all entitled to make our own opinions abou what we believe is right. If lying to them will make it easier, then do it. I have lied to my family about certain things that i felt they would not understand, i think that when some things are out of the scope of someone's understanding, there is no point in trying to drill the concept into their heads, especially when they are not open-minded to new concepts.
I do think you should take your time and date longer, however. I got married a year and a half into my relationship and now, after being together for 4.5 years, we are getting divorced. A lot of other factors influenced us, but being young was definitely a detractor in our case. I am talking to someone else now and we do talk about marriage but we dont talk about it like WE are going to get married because i'm not ready to see myself committed to him or anyone yet. Marriage is a big deal and a lot of people, like i did, take it lightly. Dont get caught up in the greatness of the first few months of the relationship, it always starts out wonderful......that doesnt mean that it wont continue to be wonderful, it just means that for the most part, at the beginning it is great and it starts to decline after that. Obviously, that's how any relationship progresses, but as long as you two can keep the love and commitment there after the initial WOW feeling is gone, then you're good to go. :)
My boyfriend announced he wanted to marry me two months in, and we're still together a year and two months later. We're not "officially" engaged, but we're talking a wedding in a year or two (depending on his deployment). There's no such thing as rushing in - you and he both know your relationship better than we do.
The others issues you brought up I understand. I'm a preacher's daughter and was raised with all the same values you were. I have not had sex (although, I have wanted to SO many times, as has he) and decided, for moral AND other purposes, I wanted to wait until my wedding night.
A lot of this has to do with the fact that my BF is in the Army. Over bootcamp, I missed him emotionally and physically SO much that it hurt. If we had had sex the month he was home for Christmas, that pain I felt from missing him physically would have been intensified to a whole new level, and I don't think I could handle it. Dealing with that level of hurting over a deployment? No. I want to wait to have sex when I know I don't have to miss him anymore, if that makes any sense at all.
yes
no
yes
1. I think only you knwo the answer. Your story sounds very stable and serene really, i think u are ready for whatever u are:) and since u took the step, just go for it.
2. You are who u are, who are anyone or anybody to judge u for who u are.;)
3. There are some things and secrets we keep from our family that pp don't need to know;) keep it that way.
Wow, your situation sounds so much like mine.. we've been together four months though, but we had sex five weeks in.. I love you's at about 3 weeks.. crazy..
1. No, I think setting your goals, and knowing what each other wants out of your relationship, is a good idea!
2. No! You're in love, and you seem to be very happy, congratulations!
3. Well, yes, they probably would be able to accept it but at the same time, why cause unnecessary problems..
you are moving way too fast..lol
The actual condition or state of love generally isn't possible two weeks into dating. The feelings you have are for a person with whom you have that knocks your socks off chemistry with is not love. Its lust, or whatever you want to call the thing that gets you all excited about another human being.
Your brain responds to the person much like it would respond to an addictive drug. It's euphoric, but its also fleeting.
Technically speaking, you really don't know someone's true personality and behaviors until about six months into a relationship- whether friendship or romantic.
Real love is what happens after the lust wears off and the reality of the other person sets in. Learning all the person's horrible flaws and loving them still.
In my experience, men who say "I love you" early in the relationship are capitalizing on the euphoria to lock you in just in case their non-best-behavior self is less than appealing to you. I question the motives of a man who says "I love you" in the very young stages of a relationship.
To answer your questions:
1) I think if you have to ask the question, some part of you feels like you are moving to fast. That nagging feeling is trying to save your ass.
2) I don't think you are being slutty and you don't feel slutty, but there will be people who say you are. Whether you internalize that message and take it as truth is up to you, but I don't think you should.
3) Now that you are an adult, what you share with your family, when and how is your business. If you are going to make a life altering choice, its nice if you can share it with them, but if you can't oh well. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is that in any relationship, you have an idea of what behaviors will hurt relationships and what will not. Only you can guage the consequences here.
I will say that its a shame that you cannot share your excitement with your family. It's also a shame that you have to pretend to be something you are not to them. That's not entirely your fault. We all want to be accepted.
In terms of the boyfriend, if he's a smart guy, chances are he is capitalizing on this. He gets you, your promise, your virginity and then gets to isolate you from that moral proving ground that is your family. Now its the two of you against the world. That may leaving him feeling like he has carte blanche in the future to treat you like crap because you lack a support system. Or maybe he's a good guy...
My fear is because your family will only accept you as the good girl who follows their life plan, you may be making choices to silently prove them wrong; By trying to find acceptance everywhere else you can. Its a way to say "look, I can do this and still be good and loved." Doing it silently keeps your family from discarding you like a piece of meat. (which I hope they wouldn't do, but appears you think their love is conditional)
It's probably why you've been attracted to men who have used in the past. And I'd be willing to bet this new man is a wolf in sheeps clothing because he hooked you with love, marriage, sex and acceptance.
Generally, when a man truly loves you and truly has your best interest at heart, he won't want to do anything that could threaten a relationship with your loved ones, even if it means delaying marriage. He will wait until the time is appropriate so you both have a nice, solid, foundation to build on.
i would wait for marriage because you can always get married but getting unmarried is a lot more difficult
i dont think you are slutty at all for having sex with him, sex is a natural healthy part of a relationship, its a form of bonding, and releases hormones that cause you to want each other more, these wear off after around 5 years so u might wanna wait till then for marriage to see if its love or hormones. im not trying to put down any religion but the bible was written in a time where there was no birth control so to have sex had a great chance of causing pregnancy so if u werent in a stable relationship it would be bad for the childi think not telling your family is your choice, what you do is your business but maybe you should look to find another resource for supportDon't let religion hold you down, I for one think a lot of their rules are stupid. And if you're a real believer, confess your sins and you will be ready for heaven again.
I don't believe that there should be a time frame for love and marriage. There is only so much you can compare yourself to other coupes you know of before you finally realize you are not them and your situation is all your own, you need to be the one to decide how you feel on it. After all, it is your relationship ^_^
As for having sex, although I ultimately do not believe in sex before marriage I do not believe that because you had it once with a guy you care for labels you as a slut or whore or whatever.
As for lying to your family. I am still not sure what to say to you on that subject. Sorry. But I wish you all the luck in the world and my prayers ^_^
1. you're not being impulsive and getting married right away
2. absolutely not. there is nothing wrong with having sex. you are in a committed relationship and the decision to have sex or not is completely yours and no one elses
3. what they dont know won't kill them. my parents dont know that i have sex or that my boyfriend and i even spend the night together...i've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months and we had sex after about 2.5 months (i was a virgin before)..these are things my parents do not need to know. except i sometimes wish i at least didnt have to pretend that i sleep in my own room every night, thats just silly, we live on opposite sides of campus i dont get why my parents actaully believe that...
I think it's wonderful that you two are so in love, but I wouldn't rush getting married. Marriage is just a ceremony and some pieces of metal, and it doesn't affect how much you two love each other.
My mom met someone about a year after my parents divorced, and we all thought he was great. They started dating in November, got engaged in December and were married in March; my mom explained to me that when you get older you are more sure of what you want and it's okay to rush the process more than when you are young. However, there are some things that take time to learn and we discovered many things about him that we could have learned before they got married if they waited longer than 6 months after meeting. It turned out he was a cocaine-addict, had anger management problems, hit my mom, verbally abused me, my sister and my mom and made sexual requests of my 14 year old sister. My mom had to get a restraining order preventing him from contacting me or my sister because he wouldn't leave us alone and constantly called to yell at us or apologize and beg us to take him back.
I know this is an extreme case, but sometimes you need to take the time to get to know someone before you jump into something that is either impossible or very difficult to get out of.
My advice is to enjoy being together and talk about marriage if you wish, but don't rush into it. Enjoy a nice long engagement and take your time getting to know each other.
Good luck to both of you.
1. Well personally I think its fast, but that should be something you need to look at yourself and how it will be in the future. I mean, 3 months of knowing a guy is kind of hard to know everything about him. There might be other things that you don't like later on when you find out more about him. Are you ready to be n a commited relationship to go that far? There's nothing bad about talking about marrige though.
2. If that is against what you personally believe, why would you do it? I really wouldn't know how you really feel. Why would you feel guilty about it if you don't believe that's true? Its your own decision. If you don't think that you are doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't feel guilty.
3. Personally, lying isn't right in my book. They'll get mad either way- if you tell them now, or later- but if it doesn't hurt your concience then why worry about lying. But if they find out without you telling them, that could cause a LOT of problems and they'll wonder what else you have been lying to them about. What would you do if someone was lying to you about something big like this?
Pretty much this is only my opinion of it :P You should look at what you believe is right or wrong and follow that. If you were raised to believe something and don't agree with it, you shouldn't pretend about it. You need to be yourself.
too fast.