Wednesday, 11 March 2009
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Dating My Best Friend's Ex Or Being A Good Friend And Saying No?
I have a conundrum for you.It's my second semester at college. The first day of one of my classes, I met this guy, "Zach". It was pretty obvious from the start that he had an enormous crush on me. But at the time, I had a boyfriend, "Andrew." So obviously nothing magical was going to happen between us. A month or so later, Zach came with us to a country bar where we line dance. There he met my best friend, "Susan." The two hit it off immediately and were making out halfway into the night. That was exactly a month ago. Since then they've been inseparable. He lives in my dorm hall and she lives across campus, though, so we do get to hang out and just talk a lot. Since they started dating, I have also broken up with my boyfriend so I am uncomfortably single around Zach.
Then we come to last night. Because Zach and I are in the same class, we decided to study together. We hung out in my floor's lounge and giggled the night away; it was great. We always laugh when we're together. Then we started watching TV and he started talking about how he liked me when he met me. We started talking about it more in depth. I guess the easiest way to put it is that he tried to kiss me a couple times, and each time, I stopped him because for one, Susan is my best friend and I don't want to hurt her, and for two, I know that if he really means everything he said about liking me, he would want to do it the right way by not hurting Susan instead of living in the heat of moment. I know how stuff like this goes, having experienced it on both sides of a relationship.
I think he's going to break up with her just to date me. And I can't say I don't want it because I do like him. But at the same time, I have no idea how Susan will take things. And that girl has been there for me for every bad thing that's happened this year at college. I love her to death; there is no way I would wish this on anyone, especially her.
Have you ever been in this situation before? What did you finally decide to do? And what are some thoughts on what I should do about this whole thing?
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About the Author
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- From: crystalbal90@xanga
- Name: Emma
- About Me: Some people like me and some don't. I haven't been the best person before. But I try to be the best friend I can be. If you ever need anything, call. If you ever need someone to listen, call. I'm always floating around somewhere. I drift. I like to swim. I game. I've got a PS2, PS3, DS, SP, and Gamecube. I am a WoW nerd. I DDR. That's different from gaming, ha. :) I love Digimon, and Pokemon. And Star Wars, LOTR, and the Twilight series are pretty awesome too. I read. If you visit, you will find quite the collection of books. I like to hug people.
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Comments (88)
Well, think about it. You say they're really good together. So, if he does leave her, chances are that at some point he's going to find some other girl who also makes him really happy, and he'll end up leaving you for her.
If I were you, I'd tell him that you two aren't getting together no matter what, ever. If you two are honestly best friends, you'd be willing to do that for her, especially when you take into consideration that he'll probably do the same thing he's doing to her now, to you later.
Yes, actually, except the guy was never satisfied with who he was with and got sick enjoyment out of ruining relationships amongst his friends. When he was with me, he was pining over my best friend and hitting on her while being with me and vice versa. Needless to say, he didn't have friends in our group terribly long before he was unceremoniously dumped in every level possible by most of us.
You cannot possibly go out with a guy who dumps another girl for you! If he wants to leave her, he needs to. If he was leaving her for another reason, it would be ok. But you're seriously thinking about STEALING your BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND?! Unacceptable.
Hm. Well, I would tell your friend about what happened, so that she can dump him. And then I would refuse to date him, ever.
If he liked you from the get-go then why did he start making out with your friend? Was it because you had a boyfriend at the time and now that you don't he sees this as an opportunity to go after you? If that's the case, it seems like he was using your friend Susan to fill up his time until you turned single. That seems a little shady to me.
i've had guys that have liked both me and my close friends before. but i can't say i directly relate.
i think though, knowing the nature of girls, she might resent you forever for this, and the story might change in her head to manipulating whore...
in the end i guess it depends on what matters more to you...being with him or her friendship.
It's gonna be hard, but I think the right thing to do is to not get together with him. You seem to really care about your friend and vice versa, so getting together with him would be pretty rough. Do you think your great friendship with your friend is worth it? If so, you should probably just forget about taking your relationship with that guy to another level. He was a possibility before, but he's not really in that category anymore.
It's a sticky situation to be in.
Usually when I date a guy, all his friends/cousins are off limits to me while and after we're dating. Just because.. I don't like to be in an awkward position and I wouldn't want any tension going on between so and so.
As for your situation, even if Zach break up with Susan, I wouldn't date him right away.
I don't think anyone should be or hop into a relationship right after a break up regardless of their reasons for the beak up or anyone should jump into a relationship with them. I think they need that "single" time to evaluate themselves and let everything from that past relationship be the past first before they actually get into another relationship.
With that said, after a certain amount of time of Zach being single and Susan having time to heal from a failed relationship, talk to Susan about being together with Zach. If she's okay with it then go for it. If she's not comfortable with it, I would advise you not to.
I mean, you said so yourself that you love Susan to death and she has been there for you for every bad things that had happened to you - the least you could do is respect her and her feelings.
Don't ever throw your away or choose a guy (that you barely know) over your friendship. Guys come and go. And you never really know if the relationship is going to go steady like you plan it to. When they leave you, well, you won't have a shoulder to cry on anymore because you chose him over your best friend.
I also think that if Zach had really liked you back then, he would of waited for you - but since him and Susan hit if off immediately, there must had been some chemistry with Susan as well.
I think what he's doing and saying to you now may just be "in the moment" of feeling. I mean, he was going to kiss you behind your best friend's back. Do you really want to be with a guy like that who already has a girlfriend but still hit on her best friend?
This is why I don't become close with my friends boyfriends. It complicate things more.
Better yet, just forget about him and find someone else.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Good advice.
I don't think you should...
But I guess it depends on how much you like this guy. From what I've heard, it doesn't seem like its all that much - yet.
Try waiting a while and see what he does.
If you're still interested, wait a bit and see what happens.
I was in the exact same position and let me tell you, it was not easy. I fell for my best friend's ex, and then to make it worse, everyone but her knew about us. Her and I didn't talk for almost 3 weeks. When we finally did, boy was it ever a mess. I think that was the first time that we actually ever had a fight. To make matters worse, him and her also got into it. Now, we're all ok, but I believe that if I had been straight up and honest with her to begin with, we could have avoided the entire situation.
In your situation, I don't necessarily think that it would be a good thing if he breaks up with her just to date you. But, if that happens, make sure you give it some time. Don't just dive into a relationship. Talk to her about it as well. The best advice I can give you is dont leave her in the dark whatsoever. Yes, she might be mad at first, but believe me, it'll be a ton better than what will happen if you don't tell her.
Been there done that.
It ended up poorly, but not because of my friend.
I would let nature run its course, and if he does end up breaking up with her, there is no harm in it.
Now telling her/asking her for her permission...
Easier said than done.
Best of luck!
Wrong girl to ask...unfortunately, I've hooked up with guys both of my best friends have liked. (They weren't dating them at the time though, not that it makes it any better)
But, I can say this. It's awkward when they bring the subject of the boy up, you will feel unbearably guilty, it's just not worth it in most cases.
I will also say this, though. There was this boy who liked me, we were kinda hooking up, but then one of his good friends started talking to me and now me and said boy have been happily in a relationship for nearly half a year.
So I guess it all depends on how important this boy is to you compared to the friendship.
Good luck.
U get with him and you loose a good friend =/
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - got a point.
However. If she's still your bff in a year, you made the right choice. If not, well heck, maybe zach'll still be single; it's college.
ive never been here but i have been Zach...i really like this guy who ive known for about 2 years and he introduced me to his best friend whom i am extremely attracted to. its not an easy place to be in. hopefully zach does the right thing...and if he does break up with susan do you think you could actually date him? i feel like theres some unspoken rule about dating a friends ex yknow?
It's not worth losing a friend over.
Well, you can stop studying together and stop spending so much time together. Also, tell him that you are her best friend and you dont want to disrespect her or their relationship.
You don't have to tell Susan anything. I wouldn't. In time she will know.
Don't do it. You will lose your best friend like I did.
I rather lose the guy than lose a girlfriend
cause my girlfriend would never leave me - even if the guy does
First of all - your title is misleading. From what you wrote, he hasn't dumped her yet so he's not her ex; that would make him her current boyfriend. It's all kinds of despicable that he was trying to kiss you without considering the implications of his actions for his current partner and the position he would be putting you in as her friend. Or perhaps he did consider it and was callously or sadistically indifferent. Either way it doesn't reflect well on his values. "They have been inseparable" - And yet he will so readily discard her through his actions without even the dignity of informing her that it's over in advance?
If he is tired of his current relationship he is obliged to let Susan know. It might not be fair, but at least it's honest.
Susan has been there for you through thick and thin, yet you're seriously going to risk it for someone so recklessly indifferent to other people's feelings? She deserves better - and the three of you need to work this out in a way that is fair to everyone involved.
If you insist on doing the wrong thing, at least have the decency to do it the right way.
I'm going to guess that Datingish made the somewhat misleading title? He hasn't dumped her...yet.
Who's more important, Zach or Susan? Would you really risk hurting your best friend's feelings for this?
And if Zach is willing to break up with her just to get to you, just think about it: This isn't the kind of guy you want, because what he would do to her, he's perfectly capable of doing the same to you, i.e. dumping you just to have someone else.
If Susan really is important to you, tell Zach that you're not willing to hurt her feelings to satisfy your own. If he doesn't let up, tell Susan.
You shouldn't do it. I understand liking someone else's man. But you are about to ruin a friendship. If anything, he shouldn't break up with her for you. And if and when he does, you should wait a LONG time before you date him.
Like someone else said, he's just going to do the same to you if you do this now.
@justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga - You've given the most honest advice so far. I'd have to agree with yours.
Just as bros come before hoes... sistas come before mistas.
I've been in this situation forwards and backwards. And I'm telling you not to get with him at all, and if you do wait a few months. Back in high school my best friend was seeing this boy for about a year, then they broke up. No one really knew why but she said she was fine with it. A month later said boy asked me out. I went to her first and asked her how she felt and she smile all sweet and polite and said she thought it would be a good idea.
Fill the blanks how you wish but I am no longer speaking to her and I went from being almost brother with him to having a very awkward strained relationship. Basically out of the three of us, I got screwed the worst.
But time goes on and I get me a new best friend (who is still my best friend to this day... the one I call my non lesbian soul mate) And she is dating a boy who asked me out a few months before asking her. She talked to me and I said fine (and I MEANT fine) and they are currently contemplating marriage.
Um.. so basically... talk it out. And even when she says it's fine, give it a while to make sure she means it. Because I've also been the other woman and been dumped suddenly (by the same guy) and it stings like hell.