Wednesday, 11 March 2009

• The Monster That Is Codependency

  Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I'm a codependent. (Hiiii Jocelyn!)

  I've spent years putting my own needs aside while putting my significant other's first. For a while, I didn't even believe that I had a problem. I just thought it was "nice" of me to put off my original plans to cater to the needs of my ex. I believed that it was merely unselfish of me to put him first and myself second. I was addicted to my relationship and all of the pain that came along with it, not because I was so in love with him, but because I didn't want to believe that his feelings were out of my control.

  I just kept thinking,
  "If I were more agreeable, maybe he would care about me more."
  "If I were more adventerous in bed, maybe he would want to have sex with me more."
  "If I were more of a chill girlfriend, maybe he would appreciate me more."

  If, if, if. More, more, more, more, more. I never stopped to think that changing myself wasn't going to control the situation. Forgetting about my own identity wasn't going to make him love me more. And honestly, I've been a codependent for so long, I don't even know who I am without him. His feelings were MY feelings. If he was nice to me one day, I had the best day in the world. But if he was moody with me for no particular reason, I had the day from hell trying to figure out why. I didn't even know what I was feeling unless I knew what he was feeling first. To put it metaphorically, I had to take his temperature to figure out if I was sick.

  However, I'm happy to say that I've come to terms with my codependency, and I'm more than willing to take the road to recovery. I will be the first to tell you that only we can control our own feelings. We're responsible for our own well being, and nobody else can ever substitute or overshadow the love that we need to have for ourselves. Because really, when it all comes down to it, our self-worth is in our hands. That's why we call it self-worth. And the faster we can come to face our codepency issues, the faster we can come to finally love ourselves the way we deserve to be loved.

  But the question is... Are YOU codependent?

  Codependents (And this is just scratching the surface):
  

  • Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
  • Constantly seek approval from those around them, especially in light of rejection.
  • Center their lives around other people.
  • Tolerate abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) to keep people loving them.
  • Feel trapped in relationships.
  • Leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
  • Wonder if they will ever find love.
  • Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
  • Lose interest in their own lives when they're in love.
  • Don't take the time to figure out if the one they're with is even good for them. 
  • Try to change themselves to have another love them more.
  • Revolve their daily routines around someone else's schedule.
  • Are afraid of making mistakes, in fear of bad reactions from others.
  • Say other people make them feel the way that they do.
  • Often seek love from people who are incapable of loving.
  • Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people, but gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things that they said they never would.
  • Let others continuously hurt them, and then wonder why they hurt so badly.
  • Compromise their values and integrity in order to avoid rejection and other people's anger.
  • Accept sex as a substitute for love.
  • Judge their thoughts, words, and actions too harshly, as never being good enough.

  Obviously, codependency is a loose term. There are endless characteristics and numerous forms of codependency out there. But I truly believe that when we can identify with the issues that lie within us, we can all become whole people on our own. Other people can't provide us with happiness. Our happiness is up to us, and us alone.

  NO MORE are the days when we need to check in with our significant others to see how our days are going to go. Everyone is capable of true independence. And I will work hard for the day when I can say, "I don't need anyone else to be content. I just am."

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