One of my best guy friends has the worst luck with women ever. Every girl he falls for ends up wanting to get away from him as fast as possible. I've talked him through four crushes, two ex-boyfriend situations, one sex-rumor scandal, and the want to be in several relationships.
I realized today that it's not his luck that is standing in the way from being happy - it's his complete lack of being able to pick a normal girl.
The first girl was involved with her long-time ex-boyfriend. However, she liked the attention she got from my friend. They would go on mini-dates all the time. He'd pay for her dinner, drive her home whenever she needed something, take her to the movies, drive her to do errands... he was the best non-boyfriend she could have asked for. She led him on with actions, but not with words.
So he moved on to her friend. He did all the same things for her, only this time he got some sexual relief out of it. Unfortunately, it was a one-time deal for him; she ended up calling it off that very week.
He moved on again, to another friend. She wasn't nearly as bad as the other two when it came to using him for his time and money, but she wasn't as good as I had hoped she'd be. She definitely gave him more attitude than the other two in attempts to ward him off... but he's relentless when he sees something that he wants.
Now, he's currently trying to be involved with a girl who recently got out of a relationship and who also just got done having a hook-up spree. She's terrible to him in public: she yells at him, makes fun of him and ignores him. However, behind closed doors, she texts him asking him to come over. She always wants to take drives with him. She tells him that she gets jealous when he talks to other girls.
I've told him - over and over - that he is blind to the real sides of these girls. Love is making him blind to them, but I've got the eyes - I see right through these girls to their true motives. They're attention-cravers, and they love how they feel when around him. He even makes me feel like a princess sometimes, and he's my boyfriend's roommate and my best friend. He couldn't be a better pick - but he could definitely pick better.
So how do you tell your friend that his taste in women sucks? If he constantly comes to me for advice, am I supposed to be a supportive friend and tell him to follow his heart, or a best friend and tell him to get out before he's chewed alive?
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Comments (47)
If he is really your friend, JUST TELL HIM that he needs to stop being such a doormat. Him being so giving to girls all the time will get him no where further with girls except him being taken advantage of again and again then in the end he will feel so useless and lose his confidence. There is a big difference between a gentleman and a doormat. He also needs some tips from his guys friends, 'successful' ones of course, in this game of love.
Whenever I feel a friend of mine (guy or girl) keeps getting crappy SO's I tell them straight up, "you pick the wrong guys/girls" if they want to change it they can but if they keep picking the wrong ones despite advice then you just gotta let them take the fall.
He just like being boss around so let him do as he pleases until he gets hurt. That is the only way he will learn.
just tell him...
hi there well i do the same thing with men so i can't really do anything about that either which is why i am probably single now.
I wouldn't talk about his current crush because then he'll just get angry with you, but you can definitely talk to him about past trends. Nobody likes a doormat so maybe the reason he can't stay with these girls is they get tired of him doing everything they tell him to. You have to be gnetle though because even though you're just trying to look out for him, if you start criticizing he will not take it well!
I would ask him if he wants an honest answer.. if he says yes then let loose. I do this with my friends. I always ask if they really want my advice and if they want an honest answer and then I feel completely free to give it to them.
The trick is to realize that some people just want to be told they are doing the right thing, they want you to confirm their idea.. the reality is that they do not want your opinion but only validation of their own.
I have learned this sometimes goes with asking people to hang out. Anyone can say "yeah, lets get together" but until a plan is made, you cannot be sure if they are being "nice" or actually want to hang out with you - actions always speak louder and more truth than words.
"yo, your taste in women sucks."
He's most likely blinded and therefore vulnerable right now. You should speak up. But don't be too pushy, otherwise he just won't listen to you.
When he comes to ASK you for advice, just tell him how it is from your perspective in a constructive criticism way. If he don't listen, let him learn on his own so he'll only have himself to blame later.
couldn't hurt as much as he is suffering to tell him
Try telling ones brother that. Especially as this one has him wrapped so far around her little finger we won't hear anything remotely against her.
Constructive cristicism can help
let hime do his thing, he wont listen to you anyway. he can't help what he likes, and if being a doormat works for him, then let him do it. trust me, my best friend has the worst taste in guys ever. she tells me how sweet they are and blah blah blah and they always turn out to be assholes. i just stopped telling her what douches they are because she doesn't listen anyway, she does what she wants and keeps getting hurt. it kills me to see it, but all i can do is be there to pick up the pieces.
I think that very quote would be a good idea.
@C_UNIT42@xanga - The first sentence is kind of a sad reality, isn't it?
yeah, tell him sooner or he'll definitely have his heart broken many more times later.. ^~"
~i guess he just need that "wake-up call" in order to break away from whatever stops him from having the girl he deserves.. you're a good friend because you took the time to notice (and perhaps analyze?) his past and current situation. now the next step is to do something about it. goodluck! (:
@abcxunt@xanga - hah, exactly^^
no, you just need to tell him how it is... say that his taste SUCKS. "sucks" gets a person's attention better than less forceful trying-to-sound-nice words.
otherwise, he'll continue in this. people don't take subtle hints very well... men, especially. i'd change my ways (if i needed to) if a good friend told me my taste sucks. i'd get over it, eventually, if it hurt my feelings at first.
@TheBigShowAtUD@xanga - agreed. you have to be mean to these sorts of fellows, and often. guys are thick and it takes a while to grasp certain ideas about women. [shrug]
I would call your "attention cravers" another word, "vulnerable." He also goes after these girls after their self-esteem has been shot to hell (or is already like that) and they are emotionally all over the place. What does that tell you about him? Suggest a well-adjusted, confident girl to your friend and see what happens. I'd also tell him to quit going after his friends...He's been friend-zoned and he's desperate; of course they don't want anything to do with him romantically. Duh.
Tell him to take a break from women. It sounds like he's trying so hard to just be with someone! He needs to take time to find out what is right for him so he can meet the right woman. It's not love that's making him blind, it sounds like desperation. He needs to be happy with himself, then he won't put up with someone that treats him this way. He probably won't even be attracted to these types then. Trust me, I've been there. I went through the same thing when I was younger.
Why don't you sit him down and you two can go over the kinds of women he's been crushing over/involved with. He needs to see his pattern of choosing all the wrong women.
OMG I have a friend like that. He's such a loser that he bought a BMW just because she wanted one. I mean yes, she put down the down payment but he's paying for the monthly dues and he has to pick her up from everywhere. He always bytches that she doesn't trust him that well. They fight but they will make up. *rolls eyes.
Hmm...
I would ask him why he likes this girl that he's seeing currently, and then segueway into asking why he liked girl X in the past, and then girl Y, etc. Give your input into these girls as well - what you thought of girl X (I didn't like her), why you thought it (because of these actions that were hurting you).
I mean there is SOMETHING about these girls that he likes, right? Otherwise he wouldn't keep going back to them. Telling him that his taste sucks isn't constructive until you find out WHY he likes them.
He's your best friend, so try try try if you want to - but don't tell him to follow his heart and do what he wants. Tell him to follow his head. And at least you tried - and the more you tell him (gently and tactfully, coming from a place of "I care about you and your happiness, and I think the way she's treating you is not making you happy" not "Your taste in women sucks!!!"), the more he will be receptive to your message and input.
And yeah, sometimes he will do what he wants - but it doesn't mean that he can't or won't change, or that he won't make mistakes. We all do. Friends are there to help. Good luck.
Be the best friend. Then make out.