Miss Fox
Last week, my boyfriend and I broke up. Yes, the same boyfriend who I was preparing to celebrate an
anniversary with... the same boyfriend who
joked about teenagers getting married... yup. Same guy.
Sure, it was only "officially" for 24-ish hours (thankfully), but it was 24 of the worst hours I've had in a while.
After a huge blow-up Wednesday night, we ended up calling things off. It ended horribly and dramatically. But, in a way, it was almost necessary.
Thursday night, after not speaking all day, we finally met to talk.
I don't think either of us wanted to end our two-year investment, but at the time, we didn't know what to do.
So we wrote a list. We took our turns writing down the things that we disliked about each other, but that we hadn't talked about in fear of fighting about it. I told him that I thought he was a little too judgmental at times, a little too mean for my liking, and that he let things build up for too long until he was just stressed out. I asked him to fix his priorities, and realize that I, like all the things he wants in life, need to be attended to too. Just because I'm a living thing and can work things out on my own doesn't mean that I want to do everything alone. If that were the case, I'd be single.
He mentioned a few things that have been bothering him about me, as well, which was interesting to hear. Together, we decided to work on these problems in the time that I'm titling the "Relationship Renovation Stage". We're by no means on a "break": not only do I not believe in them, but neither of us wants the other to be with anyone else (and neither of us wants to be with anyone else). But, we're certainly past the honeymoon stage that we once believed we were in.
Do you think that relationships are able to work after a blow-up? Have you ever had a similar situation happen where you and your SO had to consciously work at your relationship? Is it possible for a relationship to be successful after having a fall-out?
(By the way - let this be a lesson to those who feel that they have the worst relationship luck. Even those who think they have their relationships in order falter at times. Keep your head up.)
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Comments (35)
Hey that's great. I hope you guys stay together because you sound like you really care about each other.
communication is the key!
If you truly love someone, and especially if you're bonded to someone through marriage, absolutely. It's far easier, in my opinion, to walk away after a major disagreement/fight then it is to stay and work things through.
I think a large part of relationship problems stems from the fact that we get so comfortable with the other person that the little things that the other person does that niggles us just eats away at us to the point at which when something MAJOR happens, it all comes out in one big rush that makes the relationship seem untenable.
Again, it comes down to communication. If the other person is doing something that annoys you, or upsets you and you can't deal with it, then just tell them.
I've always lived by the saying that it's better to know something then to spend hours and days going through every possible scenario that could or might be happening just because you don't know.
So, most definitely relationships can still work after major disagreements. Just look at the Notebook for proof of that! (yes, I know it's fictional...)
Oh, and everybody should go watch "Fireproof". The acting may be cheesy, but there's an excellent message in it for everyone, whether or not their in a relationship.
uh, yeah, right now. My boyfriend and I love each other, but long distance relationships are stressful for both of us. We finally sat down and decided to take four days to ourselves without talking or calling, so that on Saturday when I fly up to see him, we'll have had some time to focus on other things besides the stress of distance.
It'll also be really great seeing him after not seeing him on skype for four days...
You guys have a plan. Just stick with it, improve yourselves and think about how you can make the relationship better second time around. I think yall will prevail.
After a huge blowout only couples who are willing to put extra effort and make sacrifices work. Those who think its going to be ok going back to how things were after a lil cool down period will only go back to a broken relationship. The same problems will arise.
You're on the right track. Good for you. A lot of people do not care enough to work things out with someone they love..people always think relationships are easy that it is meant to be easy. That's a huge myth.
Nobody says that being in a relationship is easy. All those movies and story books about how relationships ended happily ever after with no complications whatsoever is a bunch of lies. If something is bothering you about your partner you should be open to
him and let him know how you are feeling..communication is definitely
the most important key in a relationship also hard work and strong determination from both sides in order to make it work.
if both are committed into making it work, for sure.
like abcxunt said. girl, I was going through one of those couple nights ago. I was ready to throw my marriage out the window.
It worked both ways for me. One resulted in working it out, the other resulting in the truth coming out. Break up status. Legit. Almost 3 years of my life I'll never get back. I really cared about the scumbag, who I found out cheated. A lot. But whatever happens happens for a reason. Now I've found someone worth my while. He makes me feel better than I ever imagined when I was in that 3 year relationship. Kudos to working it out!
Fate is pretty mysterious, eh?
My boyfriend and I had a huge blowout one time. Even though we were fighting and arguing on and off for about a month, I never doubted us. He's my first real relationship and even though there are times I want to strangle him, the juice is worth the squeeze.
If your relationship can survive a blow-out....then you guys know you can overcome anything together. Now if this happens consistently where it's an on/off relationship...you might want to reconsider continuing the relationship.
You're taking an excellent step in communicating and actively working at building your relationship. The couples that stay in the honeymoon stage and avoid any and all disagreements or bickering are only fooling themselves. It never lasts and it is more painful when it breaks.
If the two of you commit to your relationship and keep the lines of communication open, you'll do fine. Whether or not it lasts forever, you'll still do fine.
you can always work things out. the fact that you guys talk things out is a good sign. You stay together with someone not because you forget about their mistakes, but because you forgive. it can be worked out if you both want it to work out.
Why dont you guys work on what you like about eachother geewhiz :\
there's no need to compare the renovation phase to a "break". it's not a break. you're still very much into each other.
renovation, as you describe, should be a natural part of any relationship.
the only difference in your case, it seems, is that this phase has been forced upon you like a slap in the face because there wasn't enough communication all the way along.
all the best to you.
communication is key... fearing to talk about things because you want to avoid arguments is a problem that needs to be faced, not pushed aside. good idea writing things down :)
There was a point in my current 3yr 5mo relationship.. in fact it was near our 2 yr, that i really thought it was nearly over. i was so sad & so sorry. but suddenly things just turned around we talked, we decided what the relationship was worth, and continued on. Yeah, there are moments when you just want to give in.. but you are two separate people & it's hard to mesh everything about yourself with another person sometimes.
To me it sounds like your relationship will last... times are tough.. but relationships really are worth it.My boyfriend and I just recently had a huge blowout, it actually happens at least once every two months. In the end, we realize that we don't want anyone else but each other, so we talk things out and figure out what's up and figure it out. When two people love each other so much, there'll be hardships like no other, but it's the obstacles that make your relationship strong. In the end, we just gotta' believe in each other and make it worth everyday it'd last. :3
Yes, I definitely believe that anyone can work out their relationship even after a huge blow out. My boyfriend and I are sort of in the same situation as you. We broke up last week after a fight but it only lasted a day. We ended up talking things out and decided to get back together but only if we both agreed to change some things in our relationship in order for things to work out. Well, now that it's been a week since our breakdown, we have been able to work things out and I believe that we're doing pretty good right now. I know it's been only one week but as long as both of you are positive, you'll always be able to work things out. I wish for the best for the both of you! If my boyfriend and I are able to do this... I believe you will be able to too!
"Do you think that relationships are able to work after a blow-up? Have
you ever had a similar situation happen where you and your SO had to
consciously work at your relationship? Is it possible for a
relationship to be successful after having a fall-out?"
Oh yes, absolutely!! This just happened to my bf and me and now we're back together and happier than ever. Living proof. The first week was awful because I couldnt' get my mind off of all the things we talked about and how we blew up at each other and just how tense things were. But then the next 2 weeks, we would see each other, go out to eat, but not really hang out, basically give each other space to just breathe, reflect on things while at the same time still keeping each other close. Those 3 weeks somehow magically fixed everything that was making us argue! Looking back on how tense November to January was, I just am clueless as to why we were having such relationship issues because right now is amazing and wonderful. It's like that break up and those 3 weeks wiped our slate clean and we're at a fresh start!
Yes to all of your questions. It works, trust me. We've been working on this on and off for three years. We broke up, got back, broke up, HUGE fight (you know those unrealistic fights you see in movies? yeah those) tried to work on the relationship to make it work. and here we are, still trying.
It's hard, it really takes up a lot of time and effort. But I believe that if you really want something to work, well maybe more like a desire now, it will work. Why? because in this way you will put in more effort than before, especially knowing what will happen, and I am pretty sure breaking up is not a good ending after working so hard on something.
Or maybe it's just me being stubborn.
Yes, it's possible. Also, successful relationships are successful because both members (must) consciously work at it.
I think these things make you stronger because you both get closer by communicating honestly and you show that you care enough about the other to work things out instead of walking away. I always loved my boyfriend even more after we argued because we worked through it and he showed me how mature he was by not throwing names or insults but by talking about the problem.
yeah communication is so fucking important. my SO and I have had a view blow ups, and we are still trying to find a way unique for us to sort out disagreements and problems. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a language/culture barrier between us, and he is not very good at expressing himself in general, so that puts a bit more work on me +stress on him. i'm usually the more rational one and he is the short tempered stressed type who acts without thinking, & depends on me to be the strong, thoughtful decision maker.
i can say, slowly, but positively, things are definitely working out by tiny little bits. in the end it's worth it, i think.