Two months ago, I wanted an open relationship because I needed space and couldn't deal with commitment. That lasted for a week because my BF was willing to try the open relationship thing just to be with me - the least I could do was try and be in a relationship with him. And at first, it was amazing. It was extremely hard 'cause I'd feel like I was suffocating at times, but I wanted to be with him, so I took a deep breath and dived further back into things...but then things took a turn for the worse.
In less than a month of being in a relationship, I've been through jealous ex-girlfriend drama and I could care less about her and what she does, 'cause no matter what, I'd fight to stay with him. But slowly I started to question whether or not he wanted me to. It drove me crazy because he'd hang out with her and it turned me into the person I never want to be. And I feel like I truly messed up because I let him know how crazy that made me. But being the understanding and sometimes clueless BF he is, he forgave me for my craziness.
The question I've asked him from day one is whether or not he was truly over his ex - they dated for a long time and we got together soon after they broke up. He would always give me a strong "no" until this one random day in February when he gave me a very unsettling "I don't know". I cried. Here I was willing to suffocate my feelings to be with him and part of him still thought about her. I tried to get over it because he stayed with me through my constant relationship doubts; why couldn't I stick with him for his previous relationship doubts? I know the two are different, considering my doubts are my fear of commitments and his doubts are her but when he holds me, there are no doubts. It's just the two of us.
Yesterday we finally got to the point where we realized that we're not truly giving this relationship a fair chance. We're just not ready to give each other our whole heart. It's difficult because we want to be with each other, but our relationship right now is just going in circles where one minute everything is all good and fine and the next we're having a conversation about our doubts. This time he decided that we should stay together and that we just need some space. His solution being spending MORE time with me (although I'm not sure he actually wants to). But this time I truly feel like I can't breathe although it would break my heart to end it. Yet I need a change...there HAS to be a change. I'm tired of being emotionally unavailable to each other but at the same time I like the good times that we do have.
So I guess my question is, is there a way to be together without actually being together?
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I don't know if there's something like that.
Maybe it's a fancy term for giving each other some "time to think". Either way, I wouldn't want to be together if we were not "official".
why not just be friends?
You two just need to talk it out figure what you both want...
I think the best thing would be to take a break to evaluate your feelings. This doesn't mean you can't talk to him and hang out together, but no kissing, touching or sex. It can be really hard to be in a relationship when all you want is out, and it can be equally hard to stay apart when you feel so strongly for each other. Set a time - like 2 weeks - when you will get back together and talk about it, but don't just mope around waiting for that day to come. If you decide you would rather be in a relationship with him then go for it, otherwise just stay friends.
as hard as it is take time away from each other. try going a week without seeing or talking to him, no phone, texts, i/ms, emails. evaluate yourself outside of your relationship is. figure out who you are and what you want without the pressure.
He is such an ass.... "I don't know." I'd dump him right away. Tell him to call you again when he knows...
take a break. take some time off from each other like a week or so and figure out if being together is exactly what you two want. Give each other some space and see if you're ready to give your whole heart in this relationship. you'll find the answer in yourself. Just take a break for a week or so.... And clear your mind and heart...
i kinda know how you feel. except in my situation, i really do want to be with him (though i too, at times have my doubts). its weird because my circumstances are quite similiar to you. when i ask him about whether or not he still has feelings for his ex he claims he doesn't. but at i feel otherwise. and it actually caused us to end our relationship. as an answer to your question, its possible to be together without actually being together. because that's kind of how i see me and him right now. we're together but just without the title. but at the same time its not like we're exploring other options either. but tbh, i'd rather have the title because it feels so much more secure that way. anyways, good luck with your situation. like the other people have said, take some time and think things through. see how you will without him, and then make your choice.
Sound like you want some sort of friends with benefits...
But you can't have him without him having you.
Um, you mean just like flirting, or keep it as a fling, or just go on dates, or just FWB? Sure if that's what you mean. But that's not really being together, and it also means that he or you can do the same thing w/ other people w/o being jealous/mad.
Maybe you should go back to your dating days when you first started going out with him. You have a date maybe once a week and talk on the phone occasionally but not too much or else it'd scare him off. That kind of thing. That way you guys are still together but you're not being suffocated by your own thoughts.
Why don't both of you just take a break from each other until both of you are ready to give each other your whole heart without any fear of commitment or doubt?
Why hang on to each other when both are you are not ready to do that?
Maybe right now is not the best time for you two to be together.
So I guess my question is, is there a way to be together without actually being together?
Hm, do you mean as in what people do all the time when they form friendships? Because if that is what you are asking; then yes. People do it all the time.
If you are looking for intimacy; then the answer is a strong no. Either you are together as lovers and are willing to share good and bad, or you are just friends or maybe friends with benefits if you are willing to go that far (don't know, don't care).
"is there a way to be together without actually being together?"
When I read this I thought you referring to a long distance relationship.
Do you mean you and your SO can call each other bf/gf without doing the actions that bf/gf do?
I mean, him date another girl but say he's your bf? Get it?
Sounds silly. Maybe being in a commied relationship frightens you and him.
I think if you love someone you love them. And if you don't love him, maybe you never will. The only thing that matters is whether or not you truly want to be with him and if he really wants to be with you.
I understand not wanting to have the title, and being unsure and confused. I know when I love someone. And when I love someone, the only thing that matters to me is being happy with them. That's why I'm putting up with alot of crap right now. But if you're not willing to give him everything or vice versa, maybe you need to find someone you want to give everything to, and who will give you his all.
~Juliet~
FRIENDS.
the answer is no
no not really. open relationships usually have a definite end. unless you're both swingers. which i doubt.
good luck with that, i don't have to say on this one.
I don't think people ever really "get over" people. If they are with you and committed to you and not hanging out with her. That's what matters if they say they aren't or aren't sure if they are over her.
It sounds like you are backing away and not being emotionally available. He is going to keep thinking about her if this is the case. Open relationships only make things worse. You need to either break up. Or put some effort in.
You and him both need to pick a side: in a relationship, or out.
As you have probably noticed, "halfway" doesn't make anyone happy and just eats up more of your energy and time. It gives you heartache. So no, you can't be together without actually being together, unless you want continued heartache and lack of true happiness.
I think you need a break from this guy to get some perspective on your situation, and to figure out what you truly want. You say you want to break through you emotional unavailability - have you thought of talking to a good friend, counsellor, or even a therapist about it?
Also, it doesn't matter what he wants. Truly. You need to figure out what YOU want, and then you can see if what he wants will fit into your definition of happiness. Managing your life around him is unrealistic and tiring to him, and letting him call all the shots.
Just be friends!
I know it's not always so easy but try it out.
You should marry him.
oh yes, definitely! but those people that are making it look doable, are actually in the mindset and have the true willingness to do it. it worked for me for a while (3 or 4 months) because I had just come to college, a new place where I didn't know anybody's drama and nobody knew my past, it was a fresh start. the guy i was seeing had been single for a while too so didn't have any ex-gf issues or recent date drama so it was pefect. basically, no previous drama will allow for a "together but not together" relationship because the no drama factor won't allow for your insecurities to develop.
i'm not saying you're not willing, but the emotional mess you're describing CLEARLY says that an open relationship is not for you, right now.
well, my ex-boyfriend and i ...
we just broke up about a week or two ago, and he says he still loves me. at the moment, we aren't officially "together", but we talk a lot, and he always says "i love you".
sometimes i say it back, sometimes i dont.
anyways, we talk all the time, and i havent had the chance yet, but i do plant to go see a movie with him sometime soon, and i'm assuming we might 'hook up'.
so yeah, i guess thats an example of being together, but not "together"?
I don't think that the choice you want to make is the solution, at all.Â
The way I see it, that'll just make things worse. And much, much more confusing.Â
Say he starts getting busy with that ex? He has no reason to feel guilt, because you're not together. It's not fair of you to say "Oh we're not together, but you can't be with other girls." And it's equally unfair for him to do the same thing.Â
You guys obviously have some issues. One, why does he still talk to and hang out with his ex?Â
I've been through this scenario too many times with my current boyfriend. For YEARS we were on/off, together, but not together. And when he finally chose to be with just me, I felt that it was unfair of me to tell him he couldn't talk to, or hang out with, his ex. To make a long story short - he cheated on me.Â
Now I know, when I am in a relationship, and someone has even somewhat iffy feelings about their ex - if they want to be with me, they will give our relationship a fair chance and kick that ex to the curb. They're not dating for a reason.Â
Basically - at the moment the relationship looks pretty doomed. It's just not your guys' 'time' so to speak. If it's really meant to be, giving some space, a break, and NO sex, you may figure it out.