Tuesday, 10 March 2009
-
He's Calling Another Girl "Babe"
I've been with this guy for 22 months now and I am madly in love with him. Our relationship is stronger than ever. This is a long distance relationship, but honestly, I wouldn't trade him for anyone else I visit him whenever I can and vice versa. I just got back from visiting him last week and I had an amazing time. He even gave me a key to his apartment, and to me, that is a huge commitment. I know he would NEVER cheat on me, I'm not sure how I know, but I am absolutely, 100 percent positive that he would never cheat on me.
While I was there though, the last couple of days, call me a bitch, but I looked at his phone and he has been texting this one chick, I'll call her M, and it really makes me uncomfortable. He calls her babe and dear and nothing else. He doesn't text her all the time but once every few weeks, unless they talk online...then I don't know.
I seem to be okay with it for now because I don't think this whole thing has sunk in quite yet. Maybe it's the feeling that he wouldn't do anything with her that makes me feel okay? I mean, I've met his whole family and all of his friends, he told me he's in love with me after a year of dating (which tells me he truly meant it), and he gave me a key to his apartment (which he has never done with any other girl) and he just treats me so damn well.
Maybe I'm just making myself be okay with this? I need help. Any advice besides "talk to him".
What would you think if you were in my position? Would you be okay with it?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 1
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 5 242 Views: 7562 769739 Comments: 169 16092 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (119)
Some guys - myself included - might use those words as terms of endearment. I wouldn't worry about this too much, especially because it happens so infrequently.
I would be uncomfortable about that. I wouldn't go balls-out screaming at him, but I would talk to him. If you have a problem with him, it is your responsibility to talk to him about it. If you keep this bottled up inside, it might get worse than it needs too. Plus, if you don't voice your problems, it's not his problem.
Hmmm. I normally do not post comments on this type of thing. But, I had a similar thing happen to me. I had been dating this guy for almost five years at the time. When I started to think he was having an emotional affair on me. I thought this, because he was spending all his time with one girl. Talking to me less. All that stuff. He told me there was nothing but friendship between them. And I knew that there was no way he would cheat on me. I trusted him completely. But my gut told me something was up. My instincts were warning me and I went with the trust of five years. And all seemed well. He talked about how we would raise our future children, us getting married, the works. Six months later he broke up with me. Two to three months after that he started dating her.
Now, I know my trust was well placed. I highly doubt he cheated on me. But the point of my story is that there is something to be said for instincts. They are there to tell you what your head or your heart does not want to hear. And though it may hurt to accept, if you feel like something is fishy... You should really maybe talk to him about it.
I know that isn't the advice you want, and you probably won't. But you need to know what is going on. And it certainly sounds like something is going on. (Honestly, ask yourself if you would feel guilty doing that to him. Would you feel bad if you were calling some guy exclusively the pet names "honey," "sweetie," "babe," etc? Probably. Because its shady.) And no, I would not be ok with it. You need to stick up for yourself somehow. Now just to figure out how...
i would talk to him...
Ask him if he does the same thing with his other female friends. And it might help to remember what the nature of the text messages was.
I call some of my guy friends "dear" sometimes, but there is absolutely no romantic attachment to it.
Does he use those terms loosely? Maybe he's using it as a term of endearment in a non-romantic way.
Doesn't matter. CONFRONT HIM. ASK HIM who is that, tell him how this is making you feel uncomfortable.
IF YOU DONT TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS, HE WILL NEVER KNOW
I am dead serious, telling you from my own experience.
I don't normally comment, but I understand how you're feeling.
I was in the same situation with my current significant other. But, I don't go through his phone, so who knows whats going on? Although, innocently looking at his friends myspace comments, he calls her babe, and says I miss you and all this crap.
It hurts.
So I completely understand, especially since its long distance, regardless of how much you are certain they won't do anything, just knowing that transpired really gets to you.
I talked to him about it and try to let it go, but I still feel uncertain sometimes. If anything talking about it will definitely help you gauge your feelings and his. Sometimes guys just don't understand what they say or do hurts.
I WOULD NOT BE OKAY. ASK him and clear your doubts. Personally, I won't be happy if he called someone babe and NOT me! This is RED flag for me.
"Some guys - myself included - might use
those words as terms of endearment. I wouldn't worry about this too much, especially because it happens so infrequently."
I second this comment. I do it too. The names I call my female friends (and even some gay guy friends in jest) are often extremely endearing (dear, babe, love, lovely, etc). I've been doing this for years -- and I'm not about to stop, to change the dynamic of my completely platonic friendships because some girl I may be dating (long or short term) finds something wrong with them. Then again, my tolerance for jealousy pretty much doesn't exist. I do not do jealousy in any form. And I only say this because it's unwarranted. If I pledge to be devoted to a girl (odd use of pledge, but I digress) than I'm devoted to her, period. And if she can't place her trust in me that my word is true, than she should not be dating me. That's just how I look at it.
@bleedingcandy@xanga - Goodness, this is not always the case. Just because there are parallels (which you seem to have created yourself because I don't see them between what you wrote and what was posted here at all) does not mean that you and the author are in the same boat. By any means.
he's probably just being very flirty/nice/its harmless, but if it makes you uncomfortable (it would make me RIPSHIT mad) then I would talk to him about it!
I don't think it's a big deal.
A lot of my guy friends call their friends that are girls stuff like "Hon, dear, babe" all the time.
Your guy might just be trying to show his friend that he cares about her.. But if you're really uncomfortable about it, seriously talk to him. I would suggest not going attack-mode on him, though.
Guys are like dogs. You gotta train them and set some ground rules.
He may think that flirting and calling other chicks babes are harmless. You gotta tell him that it bothers you. Even if he really does use it as a term of endearment, it may be misinterpreted by the other girl and that'll just cause unnecessary drama.
Though in your case, confrontation may be a bit tough since he may get offended that you looked through his phone.
Talk to him. But I use the term "love" on all females my age and hon to a few of my younger female friends.
And it's fine because my SO has always known I do it. (:
Maybe he's close with the girl. Still, I don't know if there's any good way to bring up her name without letting him know that you looked through his phone. And if you're 100% sure of his fidelity, then just let it go. You can't lose him if he's completely committed.
@xthread@xanga - I suppose you are right. They are different in certain aspects. My point wasn't that she was in my boat, though. It wasn't that she was going to get dumped in x amount of time for this girl. It was that people should trust in their instincts a bit.
That being said, it seems like if her guy used these terms of endearment for all/most female friends it would not be an issue. It would just be part of him. But still, I can see that more "close" friendships would be more likely to warrant the use of pet names. And perhaps cause jealousy on her part. Which may be unwarranted, but...
Not all guys are you. Not all guys go about pledging love and commitment and really truly meaning it. We are told nothing about him except that she KNOWS he wouldn't cheat on her. Which, even if she is correct (and I'm not saying she isn't), doesn't mean that everything will be wonderful and roses. It simply means he will not cheat on her. Relationships end for many things other than cheating.
So! I have no idea whats going on. Maybe this girl is his best friend and that's why he calls her pet names. Maybe the girlfriend is being super jealous and ridiculous. However, (if she decides it upsets her) until she talks to him about it, it will probably will not stop bothering her. It doesn't matter that you call your friends babe all the time. You are not who she is dating. So, it will end up being necessary to get some information straight from her guy. That's all I'm saying. Open communication is usually a good thing.
Overview: Trust your guts. Be honest and clear with your significant other about your feelings on things, difficult or otherwise.
let the fool do what he wants. quit bein so noisy and checkin up on his fone text. life is good
You have been with him for awhile. You should be comfortable enough to tell him what bothers you.
I wouldn't be ok with it. When my boyfriend got interested in another girl a year and a half after we started dating it started with some texting and lots of talking online...then lots of texting.. more talking online.. and lots of webcamming.
I would assume the worst, but I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to men.
you should go talk to him.
so guy uses it like ALL the time.
maybe your bf is one of those people =]
Perhaps it's just me, but I see the fact that you went through his phone (without his permission, I'm assuming from how the post is written) as more of an issue than him calling another girl babe. If you trust him so much, why did you feel going through his phone was necessary?
As to whether or not it's okay for him to be calling another girl "babe," I would have to agree with @foundone@xanga. It sounds like a casual term of endearment for a close friend. Though if you really are uncomfortable with him talking to this girl, I would suggest talking to him. However, you will have to come clean about going through his phone and realize he's most likely not going to be pleased with you. Also realize that he has every right to be angry, especially if nothing is going on between him and this other girl.
Good luck deciding what to do.
Its really hard to say how you should look at it. Every guy is different. Some guy's(Players) use babe as a way so they don't have to remember a name and wont get confused and some guy's is just some thing they use cause they think it the cool thing to do. But like mostly every one else said if your worried about it being more then sit down and talk it out with him. If you cant communicate your problems then your relationship wont last very long.
I know I would be okay with it and from you writing this post I can tell that you aren't "okay" with this situation either. I know you specifically didn't want this solution, but in all honesty talk to the guy. Tell him that it does bother you.
I know giving you a key to his home represents a big commitment but you guys are in a long distant relationship so when will you actually begin using the key?
Whatever you choose to do, I hope that you are never scared to tell your significant other how you feel because open communication is key to making a relationship work.
Normally I would give good advice, but I'm totally baked right now. All I can think about is that the picture of that SNL skit where they constantly say "babe." That's how my ex started calling me babe. This makes me a bit sad right now considering my current state of mind. Damn him.
You know what, him giving you the keys to his apartment/treating you like a princess does not guarantee a persons loyalty and may well be a cover-up/guilt trip.
You need to ask him if he has been loyal. I would because you never know. Babe can be just a label. If he has special names for you OTHER THAN this and they make u feel more special such as cutie/princess or whatever then dw about this. My bf sometimes calls this other girl who is his friend "sweetie" and at first i got a shock but he made it clear to me he's not attracted to her. And it's rare but some guys call every girl babe. Haha