Monday, 09 March 2009
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Will Guys Ever Grow Up?
Breakups are almost always difficult, but some are worse than others and a few don't even get solved with tubs of Ben & Jerry's. My problem is, all those books that tell you He's Just Not That Into You or He Was a Jerk Anyways just don't apply to my situation. I broke up with the man I love.Sometimes I don't know why I did it and at other times my decision could not have been clearer, but the fact is most people don't break up with someone they love and that makes it a very difficult situation. He is just that into me, and he's definitely not a jerk, leaving me with no good rationalization to help me get over him and move on.
The Situation:
A little over a year ago, we started dating. Initially, we didn't tell any of our friends and I wouldn't even let him call me his girlfriend, but that soon ended and we became comfortable switching off weekends at each others' places and spending hours talking on the phone. He gave me a bouquet of origami roses for Valentines' Day and I made him cookies and tried to impress his mom. The stress of midterms and finals came and went and we went through some rough patches. Around Christmas I started becoming really unhappy and stressed and broke it off in January; two weeks later we were back together, but that only lasted a month.The Good Stuff:
He always paid attention to me, knew when I was feeling down or stressed and always did something about it. The few arguments we had over the course of our relationship were short and always resolved before a couple hours had passed. He's the kind of person I feel safe with and I trust him completely.The Bad Stuff:
He is very spoiled, and although he is in his mid-twenties he is unemployed and lives with his mom. He also shows no inclination to get a job and spends most of his time playing computer games and visiting with friends. When I asked him about it he told me he had his own reasons for not working and that I should leave him alone about it.Are guys like this worth waiting for and will they ever grow up?
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About the Author
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- From: TheLoveMuse@xanga
- Name: Kim
- About Me: I'm always busy with my work, school and hobbies which include triathlons and web design. I'm a bit of a geek who loves programming jokes and math humour, and I'm very ambitious. My job is amazing - I work as an assistant project manager and I love going in to work every week, especially since I work with amazing people.
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Comments (56)
Maybe or maybe not it depends on their parents to tell you the truth.
Geesh I think you should cut him a little slack. He still seems like a good person. You can leave him for a more responsible person. Don't expect he'll change right away.
I think he will stay the same, no matter how much you ask or talk to him about it, he's not going to change. This is the same thing with my friend, her bf is always playing pc games and does not work yet she still loves him. She wants to get out so she broke it off but she constantly think about him and ponders if she should still be with him. It all depends on you, if you think its worth it then it is. It shouldn't matter what other people have to say.
Good luck and best wishes~
-xTeeN
you cant change someone...they just grow out of it. I think you should give each other time or else his "so-called flaws" will drive you crazy and you cant turn back. Leave it to fate. Dont wait for him, but when he "changes" and there's still a chemistry..then go for it again? until then...leave it alone will be my opinion. you need to love that person (including the flaws) or else he is just not that perfect....
Grown-ups are boring. Just a fact.
my answer to the title: no.
Some do and some don't. It just really depends if the person want to make a change in his life. Sometimes, it takes a good reality slap in the face and other times, well, he just have to grow out of it and take responsible for his own actions.
If I was dating a guy who:
"..is very spoiled, ..in his mid-twenties .. is
unemployed and lives with his mom. ..shows no inclination to get
a job and spends most of his time playing computer games and visiting
with friends. When .. asked .. about it he told me he had his own
reasons for not working and.. leave him alone about it."
I wouldn't see a future with him until he grows up and prove me otherwise.
I think he's not worth waiting for at this moment. Be free of him. Let him become more mature. If he doesn't grow up in a few years and he is still living in this current state, you'll be happy you broke it off. However, if he chooses to become something better and you two meet up again, the relationship could possibly start up again!
guys that don't want to grow up never will. And I wouldn't wait for him nor would I settle. When you settle for less than you deserve...that is exactly what you get.
oh yea, and girls are stupid
see what I did there?
Maybe he did have legitimate reasons for not working, maybe it's something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about. Maybe you should have respected his request leave him alone about it and trust that he had a good reason. The fact that someone doesn't have a job isn't a good reason for breaking up with them. That just makes you look like a gold digger. Not saying you are, just saying it can make you seem that way in others eyes. Not that what other people think is important. Just don't think you should judge someone because they don't have a job. Times are tough right now, lots of people don't have a job. Doesn't mean he hasn't grown up.
From the author:
Thanks for all the great advice.
@aDoRkaBle_AzN@xanga - that's exactly the problem I have. Together, I wonder if I'm going to miss out on something good because I'm already committed and apart I wonder if I'm missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me.
@jeezshoua@xanga - That's what I've done for now. I really would like to get back together with him, but not until he grows up a bit.
@strappleberry_xD@xanga - That's my hope.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Thanks for the heads up :)
@LittleWhiteBlog@xanga - It's not the money, it's more about him being a mooch. I want him to demonstrate that he can be independent before getting too involved with him, so I wouldn't be replacing his mom if he moved in with me. I really wish he would tell me his reason for not having a job, but the longer it takes the harder it is to just trust that he has a good reason.
Well, you're the one that fell in Love with him too, so doesn't that make you immature as well? Maybe you both need to "grow up."
@mayanao@xanga - Oh well, too late isn't it? It was her choice to let go. If anything, she or he may regret it later -- realizing that she or he were worth something. If she's not happy, then she's not and it would be a wise choice to let go.
I once dated a 24-year old. From what my friends told me, he graduated and got his bachelors, drives a nice car and has a job. I thought, "This is cool."
I walk into his room and it's filled with toys (more like collectibles, but he plays with them by going *pew pew*). I wouldn't mind but he acted like a 12 year old.
Guys will grow up, but them hitting the mental maturity will depend. I think that you made a good decision in breaking up with him. Both of you would need room to grow (in whatever ways you'll learn through life), particularly him in this case. Or, you may find someone whose more mature in the future.
I wouldn't mind if a guy plays games, but he needs to know what are his priorities. I know that my boyfriend LOVES playing games (and he recently pre-ordered a Nintendo DSi) but he knows that he has to worry about school first (that's his top priority.) So, games can go aside for now and play later. It's not going to go anywhere.
Probably not. Nobody else can change thing for him except for himself. He has to be the one to initiate the change. And although I think things could go well if you mention something to him about it, it won't be long before he's right back to the ways he was unless he really makes an effort.
So he just tells you he has his reasons, but never tells you the reasons? See, that makes it difficult because maybe he actually has an issue that's keeping him from getting a job and moving out of the house. That's something that would need to be talked about, because it seems like him getting a job is pretty important to you.
We all have different priorities, and different ideas about how others should behave. Like, some people would be perfectly fine with all of the "bad" things about your boyfriend.
Really, if him living with his parents and not getting a job is a major problem for you, you could try and talk to him about it. Tell him that you need to know his reasons for that. Either he'll have a legitimate reason or he won't. If he does, you'll be able to decide that maybe the relationship is too important to throw it away over something like that. If it's a stupid reason, you can decide whether you'd be willing to put up with that.
I wouldn't necessarily put my life on hold for him, though, I'd wait and see if he'd "grow up".
Does he have his own money? Is his family wealthy? If the answer is no to both questions, dump him for a man who has a job.
Seriously, he's a loser.
If you love him, and are willing to wait for him to get out of the stage, then maybe it's worth it. Some guys really don't grow up, but that doesn't mean they'll live off their mother until he's kicked out. Maybe he's going through emotional turmoil, stuff he's not yet able to tell you. Maybe it's embarrassing. I do think he should tell you what these "personal reasons" are. If he ever wants to spend his life with you, he should probably realize he'll have to pull his weight in the relationship.
Most people in that situation who don't want to work or change have to hit rock bottom before they make themselves change. You can't do anything to change them. My brother is going through this right now. But it's not just guys. Many girls I know also have this same problem only they try to borrow money or get rides from friends or whatever else they need.
So best thing to do if you really love them is tell them that when they grow up to your level you might be there waiting for them.
The question is if you see a future with him. You're both growing up to be adults and whether or not you want to get married, get a house, have kids all factor in his sense of responsibility and maturity. I don't think you want to be dependent on and live with his mother. Do his good qualities outweigh his bad?
He's not going to grow up. Mid-twenties and he doesn't have a job and more importantly, he doesn't want to get one? That's a huge red flag right there.
it's a tough call.. but it was rough patches for a reason.. you can't change a person.. so it's better that you left.. if anything, he could grow up someday and come back looking for you. Â or you'll find someone as great or even better, who's already mature enough to have a job and stuff