On a recent post asking what you thought marriage would be like, a bunch of you expressed sheer disdain for the idea of getting married.
LizzieLizzie05 wanted to know why:
What is with all of you cynics? What do you mean when you say you "don't believe in marriage"? What is there to believe in? You fall in love, you decide you want to be with them forever, you make it permanent. You don't have to have an engagement & full blown wedding ceremony if you don't want to.
Can you put into words why you're afraid to get married? Is it the idea that you'll be with one person for the rest of your life or something different?
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Comments (79)
I'm not afraid to get married. I feel the same as the girl posted in her comment. I'm sad less people feel that way these days.
The only thing that would make me nervous about marriage is the feeling of not being able to get out. A divorce is much more difficult, and that makes me feel just a little trapped, especially since I'm a little claustrophobic about commitment.
I would love to marry the right person, but there are too many factors and circumstances that can either make or break a relationship. Being completely and totally devoted to someone for the rest of your life is very hard to do especially if you fall out of love with your spouse which typically happens.
I know several couples who are unhappy, but choose to remain in a loveless marriage because they feel they need to for the sake of others.
I'm not a cynic, but that's how it usually plays out.
I think it is really sad how all these people go into it thinking their marriage is automatically going to fail. They probably fail because of these bad attitudes. Marriage doesn't have to be a fairy tale your entire life, it takes work, but that doesn't mean it can't last. People give up too easily these days. I don't see how you can just not love someone anymore. I can understand when abuse or cheating is involved, but I don't think people realize that just because the butterflies and sweaty palms dissapear, doesn't mean you are falling out of love. Marriage has only made our love deeper and more committed. It is not suffocating in any way.
Love doesn't sustain a marriage. Marriage sustains love. Like every feeling, that what we call love comes and goes. Someday you'll want to be with that person, some days you might even hate them. It's the commitment that will keep you together, no matter what. And you'll be glad it did.
The only thing that makes me nervous about it is, what if we marry the wrong person?
I'm not afraid of marriage in general, but I'm not anxious for it either. With the divorce rate so high, I'm not surprised to hear all the pessimistic attitudes towards marriage.
I think some people find it hard to believe that there's someone out there who's "perfect" for them. It sounds too good to be true. Some people are just afraid that the person they chose will turn out to be below their expectations. It's the idea that we all try really hard to impress people we like, and then once we get them in the bag, i.e. marriage, we drop the act and married life becomes blah and depressing.
im notta fraid to get married i just happin to beleev that marrij izza stoopid institushun which iz designd to benifit codependent pepul @tax payers xpence
marrij iz bullshit
I would never get married, I also will never have children.
Why get married when you can just be with that person forever? Yeah, right, like forever really exists. I cannot see myself loving only one man for the rest of my life, so instead of getting married, I will just be with that person until that spark burns out.
To everyone else, eighty percent of marriages end in divorce these days, so save your money. ;D
@pansybradshaw@xanga -
Where the hell did you go to school?
I'm all for marriage - if I find the right person. I think some people are afraid of committed to one person forever. That's a hard thing to do. Most people date or are engaged, maybe 3-5 years before getting married (I made that up based on what I've experienced, I don't know an actual statistic...) From that amount of time, to say that you'll spend the rest of your life, 50 years, 75 years...that's incredible. I don't it's so much not believing in marriage, but not believing that love can last a lifetime for everyone - which I think is unfortunate.
Currently, I don't believe in marriage. Allow me to explain.
I look forward to being married one day and having a family with the man I love - we are approaching a point in our lives where we will be ready to take that step, but we both refuse to get legally married until that right is extended to include ALL committed relationships between competent, consenting adults. My guy and I have decided that we will be "wedding-ed," but our union will not be legally recognized until our friends have that right as well.
@LilPumpkin@xanga -
Yea, I agree. I think a lot of people here have a distorted view of what "love" is. I think a lot of times people mistake infatuation for love. Yea, one day you can look at your partner and think "oh, the spark is gone. He's getting on my nerves. He doesn't make me giggle like a school girl anymore" but still be able to think of all the things you've been through together and stick it out because you love him and find him valuable. Love, to me, is the commitment part. It's wanting to do the hard work to keep it together. Infatuation comes and goes...but love is dependent on the commitment of both partners.
I've never said I don't believe in marriage, but I have said I don't think I'll ever get married.
However that view has since changed.
Though I do think, in today's society, marriage is pretty much pointless.
My Aunt and Uncle have been together for over 10 years. They have a large house, two cars, a family business, three kids - the American Dream, pretty much. Guess what? They're only married by commonlaw. They have promise rings to one another, but no wedding bands, no ceremony, no marriage license, etc.
My mom and "step-father" have been together for almost as long as I can remember (my mom and dad divorced when I was almost 4) They've never been married, but they'll probably stay together for life. (I misspoke - technically now they are "married" by commonlaw - they just got their certificate a few months back)
My mom just feels you only get to have one wedding in your life - if it goes sour that isn't a big deal but you can't go marrying every person you fall in love with, because a lot of times, it doesn't work out.
My dad has been married twice, and both times have not worked out.
I suppose then, for me, there is some fear that a marriage will turn sour. Indeed, statistics show that this is certainly the apparent pattern in Western Culture. (Did you know arranged marriages actually have a better chance of staying together than those who marry on the basis of love? Good ole culture shock.)
To me, marriage just isn't a huge deal. Because for me, I wouldn't want anything to chance in a relationship when I marry someone, except my last name. I think sometimes marriage makes people feel trapped - especially when kids are involved. Animosity builds up because of this feeling of entrapment, (as well as social criticism about divorce, mostly when kids are involved) and continues to build until it explodes, and a rift is torn between two people that cannot be repaired. Those people have forgotten what brought them to where they are in the first place, and all they can feel anymore is anger.
It is sad, really.
However still, I believe in the institution of marriage. I've seen plenty of people do it, and stay together. And I'm pretty sure, I could do it too, with the right person. =)
@natashasmells@xanga - nyu
@Naphtalis_Shoulder@xanga - That's noble. =)
I just don't want to start a family. Part of it is because my last relationship was with a really good friend. People were telling me that she was really anxious for me to ask her out, so I did. We broke up after two months due to mistakes on both our parts. We barely talked after that, and I regret the destruction of that relationship every day, especially when I want to talk to a woman, because you get desperate for that in a guy's dorm. Too much testosterone.
Also, my parents have made so many sacrifices for us, they have well-paying jobs, but you can't tell because they insist that we go to good schools and college. If it weren't for me and my sister, they'd be living comfortably. It's selfish, but I'm not willing to make that sacrifice. I don't want to start a family, because I only want to worry about my own life. If I want to travel the world or go to a restaurant with friends or anything like that, I don't want to have to worry about "the kids."
Lastly, I'm not good with little kids. They scare the crap out of me. Everyone tells me it's different when you have your own kids, but I can't handle the thought of late night changings, fits, reasonable punishments, "I hate you!" I have a very hard time dealing with a child's lack of logic. I hate that they can't understand that if they sit and eat now they can play sooner than if they make a fuss about it.
Overall, children and selfishness are probably my main reasons for staying single.
@LilPumpkin@xanga - Ah, no. That's a bad attempt at philosophy. Marriages don't work by themselves. Love comes before marriage (except in the case of arranged ones); which means that marriage itself can't simply "sustain" love. Love is needed for a good marriage to work and continue. Now, getting married (the ACT/VERB) can enhance the feeling of love, but being in a marriage (the NOUN) doesn't "sustain" love. Love sustains the marriage.
I've been happily married for one year & I don't have any regrets! Sure it's not always perfect but life's not perfect. My husband and I love each other very much, we are best friends and can't imagine not being together - we're FAMILY.
Any relationship (parents, siblings, friends, significant other, etc.) takes effort and has its ups & downs. They also take sacrifice because (especially in marriage) it's not all about you. If a relationship is just one-sided, of course it's not going to work. But when you're both willing to put aside your own wants & needs in order to fulfill your partner's wants & needs, that's love! If you're unwilling to make that commitment, you probably shouldn't get married.
All this talk of sacrifice may sound crazy to some people, but in my experience this is part of why I have a healthy marriage & relationship with my husband. I have no regrets & it makes me sad that so many people have such a negative view of marriage. Yes sometimes marriages go bad but other times they can be wonderful. Yes it's a risk to put your heart on the line by giving it away to another person, but that's part of loving someone!
@MrsCharlieBrown@xanga - I totally agree with you!
@gatorgirl54@xanga - being "noble" has nothing to do with it, though I'm flattered you think so. I'm just doing what I think is right.
I'm not afraid of marriage; I'm married, and I love my husband and do not regret it in the least. However, I can understand why some people might be scared.
My brother is in the Army. He got married in July of '06, right after he'd finished Basic. His wife got pregnant shortly there after (it was planned because he was being deployed, and they decided to have a baby, just in case). In February of '07, he was sent to Iraq for a year. In April his daughter was born, and he was allowed to come home for 2 weeks in May. When he went back, his wife started asking me if I thought he'd let her sleep with other people while he was deployed. I was appalled.
She claimed to only be joking, but I told my brother I was concerned. She was also telling me that she and "an old friend from high school" (who was also in the military) were joking about him coming back for leave and the two of them having "some fun." Again, I told my brother that I was worried. (Seriously, who tells their husband's sister that they're thinking of cheating on him?)
She ended up cheating on him with at least 3 guys while he was deployed. They went back and forth about whether or not to get a divorce. He was willing to give her another chance, and she said she loved him.
But, he hadn't been back for more than a month before she started cheating on him with their neighbor (another soldier, and if you didn't know, this is pretty much illegal in the Army). He left her, and less than a month after their divorce was finalized, she married some guy she'd known online for 2 weeks.
So, yeah, I can see why people would be weary of marriage. It sucks to be on the losing end of a bad relationship. But you can't let that scare you. Every relationship has its ups and downs, it's problems, but you have to have faith. You have to let yourself be happy with that person you love, and you have to be willing to forgive and work things out together.
I suppose I could also mention that my brother's ex-wife is still giving him grief. He has a new girlfriend, and she was pregnant (not my brother's, I don't really know the story behind this). His ex-wife told her my brother asked her to marry him again (she was already married and had been for several months). She and her friend harassed the poor girl to no end. She claimed she "just wanted to be friends and to know the people in her daughter's life." When a relationship goes wrong, you just have to let it go. Making the other person more miserable isn't going to make you feel better. Especially when you're the reason it went wrong.
i think all the talk about finding the right person is crap. people need to be more focused on BEING the right person and when two people trying to be the right person find each other it works- amazing concept, right? relationships dont work because one or both of the people are being SELFISH. it has everything to do with wholly giving yourself for the other person... doing what is best for them and doing things that will make THEM happy even if you dont like it. and when both people are focused on meeting the others needs... you dont have to worry about meeting your own. its quite nice. i am insanely in love with my husband and i am soooo happy i married him and no one else... but i firmly believe that if we had never met and commited to each other... we could both be happily married to any one else that has this same view.
It's the idea that marriage will be HELL, that's what is scaring me.