Miss OstrichMy boyfriend recently dropped out of a university to attend community college in our hometown. He hated the university because he claims it's too much of a party school, and he wants to go somewhere that won't distract him from studying (not a bad reason at all). He figured he could finish up some credits at the community college and transfer to a school that better suits what he wants to do with his education (and money).
The problem is, he hasn't tried applying anywhere else since he's been home, and the transfer deadlines are fast approaching. On top of that, he doesn't have a job because he says he doesn't have the time, even though his school schedule is very loose. His parents are supporting him (giving him money for gas, letting him stay rent-free, etc), but I'm not comfortable with how much he's depending on them while I'm struggling with balancing classes and work all on my own.
I've talked to him about this before, but nothing seems to stick.
Should I keep nagging him to get a job or just let him continue mooching off his parents until he gets his act together on his own and starts applying to schools?
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Comments (32)
Personally, I don't think it's really a girlfriend's place to say, honestly... I really think his parents need to wake him up and kick him out or ask him for rent, so that he realizes he can't spend the rest of his life with them. But maybe if you keep suggesting things he can do, he'll take the hint.
If his parents have no problem with letting him mooch, there's really nothing you can say that's going to drag him away from a rent free bed, hot showers, and home-cooked food.
I've been trying to push my boyfriend into applying to schools since he graduated from high school to no avail. He's recently been showing interest in it himself because he realized he doesn't want to live in his mom's house all his life with an over-night job at Target, even though I've been pointing that out to him for well over a year. Sometimes you just have to let people get their own act together.
Serena's right. It's not your job to coddle him. You're acting like you're his mother. You voiced your concerns, now let his parents do their job. If he continues to act like a child... I would recommend re-thinking your relationship to him.
You just described my ex-boyfriend - he is 24 years old and graduated from college three years ago. He quit his minimum-wage job because he hated it and said he was going back to school, but almost a year later he is still living at home and playing computer games for most of the day. His mom will never kick him (or is 28 year old unemployed brother) out of the house and right now she is supporting both of them - she bought them a car to share and they don't even pitch in for food or anything. If she won't be there to cook dinner for them she gives them $40 to order pizza. It was a really tough thing to do, but I can't be his mom for him and she won't make him grow up. I have no desire to date a 12 year old.
Yeah, I'm pretty much with the consensus here...it's not your place to make him do anything. Of course no one can make him do something he doesn't want to do, but his parents can give him an ultimatum...now, if he were mooching off of you, that would be a different story altogether, and it WOULD be allowable for you to say something.
I think you should encourage and remind him he needs to get up and get things going for himself. How often? Hhmm..maybe like every couple weeks.
Encouraging to go to school or working is Not a bad thing at all. His parents continue to allow him to be that way bc thats his parents. They will care for their child no matter what.
His parents may think youre no good for him since you cant enlighten him. Gfs not only are there for romantic reasons but for growth as well. Trust me, his parents are Not going to say anything bad to you or about you for getting him to go to school or getting a job.
There are signs, banners, ads everywhere promoting education. Why do you think you shouldnt? Youre his gf--even more important than signs, banners, strangers, counselors.
Have you seen that commercial of 2 young boys where one was about to ditch school... still in bed but his friend got a megaphone and talked into it, waking up his friend to go to school and they both ran to the schoolbus? Friends care for another and dont want their friends to fail. Gfs feel that way about their bfs even more. Or at least they should.
I don't think nagging is a good idea, but you can suggest things. Nagging will only agitate him, and that won't benefit either of you. It's nice that you care, but if his parents are letting this behavior occur, it's something they should be dealing with. I think it's difficult for the parents to force their children to work; they don't want their kids to suffer that way. Anyway, he'll get his jump start sometime, and you'll probably just have to let your boyfriend work it out himself.
I think that his parents should talk to him about it. Or you should at least bring it up with his parents, because my mom dated a guy much like yours, except for he could actually get a job(albiet he couldn't keep it for more that a few months). A girlfirend is more than just a friend. She is a partner, and as his partner you should at least motivate him. He's not doing anything with his life right now, let alone making a sucsess out of it, so just tell him, or tell his parents to tell him, that he needs to get off his butt, and do something with his life.
encourage but don't nag =)
maybe he just needs a break from responsibility for a while
Coming from a moochee, mooch as much as possible!! That's nontaxable income!!!
Just be happy he isn't mooching off of you! :)
I would encourage him and suggest that he gets the things he needs to do done before the deadline hits. Also, a friendly reminder that his future is in his hands and his parents aren't going to be with him forever supporting him. If he don't listen, well, you can't do anything more but a "I told you so" when his deadline do arrive and he hasn't done anything.
I can understand your annoyed but I think his parents are really the one who needs to put him in his place. By giving him money for gas and having him live in rent free, they're just encouraging him without knowing it. Or, he's also fooling them that he will get things done.
Nagging doesn't work.
He will not respond positively to your nagging. What will happen is that he will continue to be a bum and you two will just get increasingly annoyed with each other. So really, you have a decision to make: do you want to stay with this guy and just keep encouraging him to do great things with his life, know that he may never change? Or do you think it's time to move on?
The choice is yours. But know this: you cannot change anyone. They have to decide to make a change themselves.Not sure what you really should do, but don't nag about it.
I am sure he wants to date you, and not his mom, if you get what I mean. Try encouraging, maybe that helps.
You should talk to him in a sincere way. Using a certain tone of voice will either make him feel like you are concern or you are nagging. Let his mom do the nagging.
I couldn't date a lazy ass like this.
If he's not motivated now, he won't be later in life.(Unless something wakes him up.)But for now, he'll be the guy without a job.Then, he'll be the guy whose friend landed him a job.Then, he'll be the guy with no incentive at said job.Probably get fired from the job.If you stick with him long enough...He'll be the guy who doesn't want to commit to marriage.LOSER!I agree with the others who said it is not your place to ask him to change. You either like the guy the way he is or find someone you do like. Some people are just happier doing nothing if they can get away with it...... ~Echo
I had to work while going to school full time and it was a growing experience. It taught me how to prioritize and make the best use of my time. Someone who is not motivated to do things for him/herself at college age is unlikely to change later on. I ran into this problem with my ex and it finally ended up being the end of us when I realized that if I couldn't count on her to help herself, how could she help me if one of life's many situations were thrown at me and I was down for a little bit. I tried to suggest way she could get things done easier but she never took the necessary action. If you are in the same situation, it may be time to go.
When stuff like this comes up with guys, in my experience, pushing them will only make them ignore your suggestions more and more. You can't rush them or tell them what to do. Even suggesting can be too much for them. Just let him do whatever and help him whenever he decides to make a move on his own. Ya know, be supportive.
Seems like you're dating a spoiled guy! I would nag him if I were you. But you can only do so much. Your boyfriend needs to motivate himself too. If he doesn't change, I think you're better off without him. Date someone more driven and responsible!
At first I thought that couch potato was a piece of turd.
Anyways, let him be. He will grow up eventually.
Nagging gets you no where. When you start to nag...I guarantee he'll ignore every word coming out of your mouth. Instead...encourage him.
I think ultimately that part of his life is out of your hands. No offense intended, but you're just the girlfriend. It's his parents that have to stand up and force him to support himself. You, of course, don't have to support him just because he's too lazy to either, but it's his parents that are going to be best able to give him that boost.
keep nagging, it DOES work