Saturday, 07 March 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My Exes Have Suddenly Started Calling Again
Out of the blue, six of my exes (chill, not all of these relationships were serious) have started emailing/texting/calling me again. So I've got three questions:
1) WTF
2) How does a guy tell women "back off" without being blunt, hurting their feelings and ruining carefully cultivated friendships?
3) Is it better just to deal with the messaging/calling than to have to deal with question two?
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Comments (22)
depends on the exes, I guess. -Some might react differently
You don't have to answer the phone, you don't have to return the texts or emails. You can respond at different times, but don't make it seem like any of them are your top priority. So, that means don't respond automatically on a usual basis. Like, okay, she texts you -- Don't respond. Later on respond and if she asks, say you were busy. You've got your own life going.
Same with the calls, let them leave a message. You don't necessarily have to tell them to back off if you send them signs that you don't care to talk a lot. You really only have to tell them to back off if they become really persistent.
for your third question... no... cause sometimes people can be persistent. I've dealt with a lot of guys that just don't get the hint to stop calling/texting me. It's a bit annoying if you ask me.
but if I were you... I would just tell them to back off nicely... trust me... I would rather have a guy tell me to back off than to try and keep calling/texting him thinking that he liked me and could maybe one day give me a chance. It's really not fair to keep that person waiting for your response. Sometimes... you just got to be honest and move on with your life.
Just be friendly and do what you gotta do and move on if thats what you want good luck!
1) WTF
A: Their loves that they found after they broke up with you, broke up with them and they want you back. Desperation methinks.
2) How does a guy tell women "back off" without being blunt,
hurting their feelings and ruining carefully cultivated friendships?
A: I don't follow rules here. I play dumb consistently until they stop thinking of me as a lover and then we manage a sound friendship.
3) Is it better just to deal with the messaging/calling than to have to deal with question two?
A: I would stick to dealing with question 2. You can deal with the messaging/calling as long as you are smart enough not to say anything that gives them the impression that you two can start over. Odds are, you should do method three first, then methods one or two, just to be sure where you stand.
It's "easier" to deal with the calls, but it's safer to go through with number 2. You can make friendly conversation, ask them what's up, and then casually mention how busy you are, or how you're glad you're friends with each other. Good luck!
Be blunt. If you try to nicely let them down, they might take it the wrong way and think you're still interested.
If the relationships weren't that serious...what's wrong with just being friends with them? If you want to be friends with them....you have the be the one who sets the boundaries. Otherwise...you'll end up in an on/off relationship cycle.
In my own opinion, this isn't something you can't be blunt with. To get them to stop, you must say it as it. Feelings WILL be hurt all the time and it's bound to happen. They will heal.
BUT first of all, find out why. Maybe you were a great guy and it was nice to talk to you when they felt bad. Perhaps all they want is just someone to talk to; boredom maybe? Clear it out before being rash. :]
I think you should tell them upfront that you are not interested in getting back together with them - your feelings have changed.
they may get hurt, but you're doing the right thing.
or try ignoring them. they "may" get the hint.
Just remain polite and friendly with them. BUT if they start hinting that they want you back and you dont feel the same way, tell them that you're not interested. and you're only interested in being friends.
I would either 1) bluntly tell them that I'm not interested in them more than being friends or 2) ignore them and hopefully they get the hint.
It's better if you just tell them the truth in a "nice" and "civilized" way. I'm pretty sure they'll get the message. If not, ignore them.
Are you somehow required to answer? Me thinks maybe you enjoy the attention. Because if you don't want to deal with them, all you have to do is stop responding.... they'll get the picture pretty quick. Just rip off the band-aid, otherwise they'll quite possibly end up feeling played and led on.
I'm a fan of the delayed one-word response when I don't want to talk to someone. It goes something like this:
Guy: Hey honey, work was crazy today - how was your day?
Me: good
Guy: Oh, did you do anything special?
Me: no
Guy: What are you up to now?
Me: the usual
...
You get the gist. If you're in person, try not to make eye contact. The key is to minimize the amount of information you disclose.
Tell them straight out because you know you don't want to waste your time with them. If they don't get the hint, you should ignore them until they do.
I don't know how you're going to break it to them or how you should go about, but you definitely should NOT leave them in the dark about how you feel or lack thereof. That's ultimately worse because you don't tell them and then they find out somehow through the grapevine. Some, if not all, of these girls may appreciate you being straightforward with them instead of letting them find out the hard way for themselves, and yes, it may initially hurt but not near as much as them finding out themselves, but that's just my opinion.
they need a guy who they use to be close with to make them feel better again. by saying things such as " u were a nice girl, u still is" " o that guy was foolish to have left you" etc.
in my opinion, and experience, people dont turn back unless things in their life isn't going so ideal. ignore is the best thing, besides, if in the future you meet an ideal girl of ur own, u dont want ur exes tagging along or being part of a problem. so get it over now by ignoring them.
hmm prob you like the attention and also maybe they think you still will like them in that special way?
Be blunt about it and tell them that you're not interested in them anymore. If they don't take the hint, just ignore them or tell them that you're busy or something. :\
Some might want you a back....some might just be finally ready to be friend with you. Don't sweat it.
If you're not interested, just ignore them.
wellll fersure do not flip out on any of them, but be honest with them without being blunt. One of my exes insisted we were friends but then i found out that he was spreading rumors that i call him every night and am obsessed with him. he told my friend to tell me he didnt want me calling him anymore so i was like whatever and i didnt call, then he called me and tried to hang out. i was obvioulsly mad and it ruiend our friendship, he got the wrong idea and thought i wanted him back when i really didnt want him back. i wanted to stay friends with him, and he screwed it up by assuming i wanted him. if you ever cared about ehr when you were dating, you should care about her now, at least as friends. who cares if she calls you, suck it up and deal.